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The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors 


EXTRACTS   FROM   EARLY   WRITERS. 


COLLATED  FROM  "  LE  MAL  QU'ON  A  DIT  DES  MEDECINS,     OF 


DR.  S.  J.  WITKOSKl 


TRANSLATED,    WITH    ANNOTATIONS,    BY 


T.  C.  MINOR,  M.D. 


CINCINNATI: 

Reprint  from  the  Lancet-Clinic, 
1880. 


^/v.  r1 


CONTENTS. 


EARLY  GREEK  AUTHORS.        EARLY  LATIN  AUTHORS. 


FRENCH  WRITERS. 


POPULAR  FRENCH  ANECDOTES  REFLECTING  AGAINST  DOCTORS. 


EXTRACTS  FROM  ENGLISH  WRITERS. 


600129 

LISRAAf 


THE  EVIL  THAT  HAS  BEEN  SAID  OF  DOCTORS. 


KARIvY    QREKK    AUTHORS. 


ANCIENT  WRITERS. 


JESOP  (8th  Century  B.C.). 

THE  OLD  WOMAN  AND  THE  DOCTOR, 

An  old  woman  had  sore  eyes  and  called 
in  a  doctor.  When  the  price  of  service 
was  settled  the  physician  visited  the  patient 
at  her  home,  and  used  ointment  on  her 
eyes.  During  these  visits  the  old  woman 
could  not  see  the  doctor,  and  the  latter 
removed  all  her  household  goods,  one 
piece  after  another.  When  all  was  taken 
the  patient's  eyes  were  cured,  and  the  phy- 
sician demanded  his  fee,  which  the  old 
woman  refused  to  pay  and  was  therefore 
cited  to  appear  before  a  magistrate.  To 
the  agent  of  the  law  she  remarked:  "I 
promised  to  pay  this  man  if  he  restored  my 
sight ;  but,  my  vision  has  grown  worse  ; 
before,  I  could  see  my  furniture,  to-day, 
that  is  an  impossible  thing." 

Moral:  Thus  dishonest  men,  through 
their  avariciousness,  amass  proof  against 
themselves. 

THE  PATIENT  AND  THE  DOCTOR.  (^) 

^sop,  that  excellent  author,  in  whose 
works  all  the  graces  may  be  discovered, 
has  left  us  an  account  of  how  tyrannical 
authority  may  be  exerted  on  those  weak- 
ened and  frightened  by  disease.     He  tells 

I  Montaigne,  ''  Essays,"  livre  ii,  chapter 
xxxvii. 


the  story  of  a  patient  who  was  questioned 
by  his  physician  as  to  the  effects  of  the 
medicine  taken. 

"  I  am  sure,"  said  the  sick  man,  "  that 
the  medicine  was  good,  for  I  sweated 
freely."  "  'Tis  well !"  remarked  the  doc- 
tor. The  next  time  the  physician  interro- 
gated the  patient  the  latter  repHed  :  "I 
had  a  severe  chill  and  trembled."  "'Tis 
well !  "  answered  the  physician.  The  third 
time  the  medical  man  asked  how  his  pa- 
tient felt  the  sick  one  responded  :  ' '  I  feel 
swollen  up  and  puffed  out,  as  though  I 
had  the  dropsy."  And  the  doctor  said, 
"  Ah  !  everything  progresses  well."  Pres- 
ently a  servant  entered  and  inquired  of  the 
sick  man  regarding  his  condition.  "Ah, 
my  dear  friend,"  replied  the  patient,  "I 
am  doing  so  well  that  I  am  dying." 

THE   TWO    DOCTORS    AND    THE    PA- 
TIENT. (^) 

One  of   those  physicians,  who   are  ever   making 
visit, 
Saying  "Better,"  to  those  sick  in  bed  a-lying, 
Heard  the  sadly  wearied  patient  say,  "  This  med- 
ical '  what  is  it  ?  ' 
Knows  my  heirs  are  satisfied,  and  I  am  dying." 

A  patient  told  two  different  physiciaiis, 
whom  he  visited,  the  symptoms  of  his  dis- 

I  The  two  fables  that  follow  are  extracted 
from    a    volume    entitled    •'  Les    Fables    d'Esope 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


ease.  Each  time  he  went  one  doctor  said, 
**  You  are  better;"  and  the  other  remarked, 
*'  About  the  same."  The  patient,  hearing 
this  difference  of  opinion,  was  embarrassed 
as  to  which  doctor  to  believe,  as  the  choice 
appeared  difficult ;  both  physicians  gave  co- 
gent reasons  why  they  expressed  such  de- 
cided opinions,  and  the  poor  patient  could 
not  tell  how  to  set  his  mind  at  rest.  In  the 
end,  however,  he  believed  in  the  doctor 
who  always  said  ''about  the  same,"  and  fol- 
lowed all  his  prescriptions,  dying  finally. 
The  medical  men  drew  two  advar)tages 
from  this  patient's  death.  "About  the 
same  "  remarked  that  he  had  foreseen  the 
outcome,  while  "You  are  better"  stated 
that  had  the  patient  used  better  judgment 
and  his  remedies  he  would  have  recovered. 

THE    GRAVE-DIGGER    AND    THE    DOCTOR 

•*  It  is  an  injury  done  ;  hut  I  persuaded  am, 
He  could  not  cure,  although  he  strove  to  save. 

The  subject  was  unhealthy  ;  nought,  the  doctor's 
balm." 
Thus  said  the  sexton,  and  he  dug  the  grave. 

A  grave-digger  was  burying  his  neigh- 
bor ;  as  he  dug  the  grave  he  perceived  the 
physician  who  had  treated  the  deceased 
during  the  last  illness.  "  I  thought  you 
skillful,"  exclaimed  the  grave-digger,  "and 
imagined  you  would  cure  this  poor  fellow 
of  his  malady."  Replied  the  physician  : 
"  I  did  all  I  could  for  the  patient,  but  alas! 
the  man  was  unhealthy.'"  Said  the  grave- 
digger,  dropping  his  spade,  aghast:  "If 
he  had  not  been  unhealthy,  he  never  would 
have  called  you  in." 

"  De  tous  nos  charlatans  excuse  illegitime, 
Le  malade  meurt  il,  il  etait  cachochyme, 
La  nature  I'a-t  elle,  en  deftit  d'eux  gueri, 
II  serait,  nous  dit-on,  sans  nous  deja  pourri." 

*  :.  * 

raises  en   Francais  avec  les  quatrains  de   Benser- 
ade."     Rouen,  twelfth  century. 


MIMNERMUS   (Greek   poet,  7th  cen- 
tury B.C.). 

"This  is  the  chatter  of  the  doctors, 
who  put  themselves  in  favor  and  make 
excuses ;  doing  their  worst  for  sickness, 
and  committing  frightful  injuries"  (Sto- 
baeus,  FlorigeUum,  tit,  cii). 

*  :ic  * 

HERACLITUS     (Greek     philosopher, 
6th  century  B.C.).0 

"If  we  except  doctors,  there  are  none 
more  stupid  than  grammarians. "(^) 

LETTER  FROM  HERACLITUS,   SICK    WITH 
DROPSY,    TO    AMPHIDAMAS. 

Grand  consultation  of  physicians  in  my 
case,  my  dear  Amphidamas,  and  but  little 
delay  in  the  matter;  they  will  listen  neither 
to  medicine  nor  the  voice  of  nature.  One 
wishes  one  thing,  the  other  another ;  all 
are  profoundly  ignorant.  My  body  was 
swollen  as  a  leather  bottle  ;  they  did  noth- 
ing save  to  relax  it  slightly  by  touching. 
Some  wished  to  give  me  a  remedy,  which 
I  refused  to  take.  I  demanded  the  cause 
of  my  sickness,  and  they  responded  not. 
They  to  treat  me  !  Not  much  ;  it  is  I  who 
treated  them.  "  How,"  said  I,  "can  you 
be  artists  on  the  flute  when  you  leave  it  to 
those  who  do  not  understand  the  trade  ?  I 
shall  prescribe  for  myself,  for  I  cannot 
consent  to  confide  in  you  until  you  can  tell 
by  what  method  one  can  change  humidity 
into  dryness."  None  seemed  to  compre- 
hend my  remarks,  and  held  tongue,  doubt- 
ing their  own  science.  I  well  know  their 
other   patients   have    been    cured,  not   by 

1  See  in  future  reference  the  account  of  the 
death  of  this  philosopher  by  Diogenes  Laertius. 

2  Athenaeus  reproduces  this  sentence  in  his 
writings. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


themselves,  but  by  chance.  It  is  an  im- 
piety, Amphidamas,  to  lie  and  declare  we 
possess  a  science  we  have  not ;  to  kill  men 
under  pretext  of  practicing  an  art,  and 
thus  to  defame  not  only  the  true  art,  but 
Nature.  To  boast  of  one's  ignorance  is 
assuredly  a  shame,  but  to  vaunt  possessing 
a  science  that  one  has  not,  is  more 
shameful  still ;  and  why  choose  such  false- 
hoods to  dishonorably  acquire  money? 
They  would  do  better  to  beg  openly. 
Perhaps  we  might  pity  them.  Now,  they 
are  cursed  as  dangerous  beings,  and  as 
liars.  Among  them  there  is  not  a  physi- 
cian, nothing  but  imposters  and  charlatans, 
who  sell  their  sophisms  at  the  price  of  gold. 
The  divine  Heracleodorus,  my  friend,  was 
killed  by  them,  and  they  made  his  estate 
pay  for  the  deed ;  they  cannot  render  an 
account  of  my  malady,  nor  tell  me  how 
humidity  may  be  changed  to  dryness. 


lyric 


poet,   5th 


PINDARUS    (Grecian 
Century  B.  C.).0 

PYTHIAN    (ode    third). 

But  the  allurement  of  gain  is  a  rock  of 
danger  for  the  wise.  Ever  seduced  by  a 
rich  recompense(^)  by  the  attraction  of  gold 
placed  before  his  eyes  ^sculapius  resusci- 

1  This  poet  died  at  86,  while  assisting  at  a  gym- 
nastic exhibition.  He  gently  expired  reclining  on 
the  knees  of  his  disciple  Theoxenes.  Chapelle 
has  doubtless  forgotten  this  peaceful  death  of  the 
poet,  when  following  a  copious  repast  with 
Bachaumont,  he  responds  to  the  servant  who  is 
astonished  at  seeing  both  men  in  tears  "Alas  !  we 
weep  the  famous  poet  Pindar,  who  was  assassi- 
nated in  the  flower.of  his  age,  by  ignorant  doc- 
tors." 

As  86  years  may  be  considered  youthful  to 
some  minds,  and  P  ndar  had  no  medical  attend- 
ance, the  conclusion  is  obvious. 

2  Plato  reproaches  Pindar,  in  his  Republic,  of 


tated  a  mortal,  already  dead.  (')  Suddenly 
Jupiter  launched  on  them  his  fiery  shafts, 
and  both  were  pierced  through,  and  the 
burning   thunder-bolt  struck   them    dead. 

accusing  the  son  of  Apollo  of  receiving  a  salary 
for  giving  life  to  the  dead,  and  that  his  avarice 
was  punished  by  Jupiter.  It  is  in  fact,  more  logi- 
cal to  admit,  with  the  majority  of  authors,  that 
the  Ruler  of  Olympus  only  acted  on  the  solicita- 
tion of  Pluto,  who  was  uneasy  lest  his  empire 
might  be  prejudiced,  owing  to  the  skill  ot 
yEsculapius.  The  truth  is,  since  this  exemplary 
punishment,  no  physician  has  risked  the  raising 
of  the  dead.  The  following  lines  evidence  how 
Seneca  treats  this  fiction  in  his  "Works  ot 
Apollo : " 

To  please  Diana,  Apollo  revived  Hippolytus, 
Forcing  e'en  inflexible  Destiny  to  bend  ; 
Snatching  the  body  out  of  Death's  clutches. 
Then   from  Acheron,  Pluto — barbarous  monarch, 
With  blow  of  trident,  opened  Hell's  portals 
And  on  a  whirlwind  of  sulphur  and  pitch 
Raised  his  voice  Heavenwards  in  grim  complain- 
ing : 
"Is   this  done,   and  thou   consenting,  ungrateful 

Jupiter? 
Art  not  contented  with  thine  own  mission  ? 
Audacious  Apollo,  superb  in  his  art, 
Comes  he  to  declare  on  me  war  on  thy  part  ? 
Ah !  could  I  believe  this!  "  All  nature  trembled 
At  this  menacing  cry,  blood-curdling  and   fright- 
ful; 
But  Jupiter's  smile  soon  cleared  up  the  air. 
"  King  of  Hell,"  cried  he,  "cease  thy  alarm ; 
For  the  one,  ^sculapius  has  ta'en  from  thy  dark- 
ness, 
His    disciples    shall    send    thee    victims    unnum- 
bered." 
Yet,  to  calm  the  soul  of  his  angry  brother, 
Jupiter  cast  his  dread  bolt  at  Apollo. 
The    stroke  was  certain,  and   in    burning  thunder 
The  God  of  Health  was  crushed  into  powder. 

I    The    version    of  Virgil,    derived   from    the 
'  ^neid,"  is  less  malicious  : 

"Apollo's  powerful  art  restoring  life, 
Jupiter,  angry  that  such  a  practice 
Upset  his  law,  by  reviving  mortals, 
Plunged  the  inventor  into  the  state 
From  which  Apollo  freed  Hippolytus." 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


Mortal  learn  to  know  thyself;  let  thy  de- 
sires be  those  of  a  man,  that  they  may 
conform  to  thy  destmy. 

>lc  *  * 

ARISTOPHANES  (Greek  comic  poet, 
5th  century  B.  C.).(') 

PLUTUS     (a    comedy). 

Blepsideme :  Is  it  not  necessary  to  go 
seek  a  physician  ? 

Chremyle :  Physicians  in  Athens ! 
There  is  no  art  without  salary,  f ) 

Blepsideme  :   Seek  well  for  one  ! 

Chremyle:  There  is  not  a  single  one  in 
the  city. 

Blepsideme:  What  to  do,  then,  I  know 
not! 

Chremyle :  I  have  well  reflected  on  the 
matter,  and  'tis  best  we  make  Plutus  sleep 
in  the  Temple  of  y^sculapius.  f ) 

The  wife  of  Chremyle :  So  the  God  did 
not  come  ? 

Carion :  He  tarried  not ;  and,  when 
near  us — O,  laughable  farce!— my  belly, 
swollen  like  a  wind-filled  bladder,  emitted 
a  most  melodious  and  sonorous  sound. 

The  wife   of  Chremyle:     The    God   of 

1  Physicians  were  often  ridiculed  in  Grecian 
comedy.  Antiphanes,  and  afterwards  Philetaerus, 
seemed  to  have  represented  a  kind  of  Sganarelle 
in  their  /Esculapius.  The  same  Antiphanes, 
Aristophon  and  Philemon,  composed  pieces  en 
titled  "  latros,  or  "  the  Doctor;"  and,  after  a  por- 
tion nf  his  "  Physician,"  Theophilus  placed  on 
the  stage  some  medical  characters  similar  to  those 
that  Cervantes  attached  to  Sancho  Panza,  Govern- 
or of  Barataria. 

2  At  Athens,  physicians  only  received  a  very 
moderate  salary ;  so  that,  usually,  skilled  medical 
men  practiced  their  art  in  other  more  liberal 
cities. 

3  Patients  were  carried  to  the  temple  of  /Es- 
culapius to  pass  the  night,  where,  it  was  believed, 
they  were  visited  by  the  God  fwho  was   not  seen 


Health  himself,  no  doubt,  indulged  in 
smiling  ? 

Carion:  No;  but  Iaso,(')  who  accom- 
panied the  God,  blushed  at  the  immodest 
noise,  and  Panaceaf)  turned  and  held  her 
nose ;  for  the  sounds  had  not  the  smell  of 
roses. 

The  wife  of  Chremyle:  Yes;  but  the 
God? 

Carion:  He  indeed  paid  not  the  least 
attention  to  the  sound. 

The  wife  of  Chremyle :  He  is  then  a 
very  boorish  God? 

Carion  :  I  do  not  say  that ;  but  he  is  in 
the  habit  of  even  tasting  excrements.  (^) 

*  t,  * 

PHILEMON    (Greek   comic    poet,    3d 
century  B.C.). 

THE    SICILIAN   (cOMEDY). 

It  is  easy  for  men  to  give  advice,  but 
dififirult  for  one's  self  to  follow  it;  we  have 

on  account  of  the  darkness),  and  their  return  to 
health  thus  accomplished. 

1  laso  was  the  daughter  of  /Esculapius  and  a 
deity  of  healing  among  the  Greeks. 

2  Panacea  was  another  daughter  of  /Escu- 
lapius 

3  Aristophanes  calls  /Esculapius  "Eat  dung." 
The  Scholiasts  thus  explain  his  meaning  :  "It  is 
said  that  the  physicians  were  then  paid  for  ex- 
amining human  dejections  and  the  urine,  and 
that  that  prince  of  physicians,  Hippocrates,  tasted 
the  patient's  excrement  to  know  whether  the  cure 
was  made," 

Corne'ius  Agrippa,  in  his  "Uncertainty  and 
Vanity  of  the  Sciences  and  Arts,"  thus  narrates 
one  of  ; his  kind  of  amenities:  "  Ordinarily  phy- 
sicians are  infected  and  capable  of  carrying  con- 
tagion. Oh,  the  villainous  race !  Washed  in 
urine,  perfumed  with  ordure,  always  hovering  be 
tween  chamber  pot  and  closet,  they  are  beyond 
comparison  filthy ;  stinking  and  more  repulsive 
than  even  midwives,  and  that  is  saying  but 
little." 


A 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


5 


an  example  in  physicians:  for  their  patients 
they  order  a  severe  regimen,  for  them- 
selves, on  going  to  bed,  they  do  all  that 
which  they  have  forbidden  others.  Dis- 
ease and  the  treatment  of  disease  are  two 
different  things. 

Look  around  you  :  there  is  not  a  doc- 
tor who  desires  the  health  of  his  friends, 
not  a  soldier  who  desires  peace  for  his 
country. 

Only  the  doctor  and  the  judge  have  the 
right  to  inflict  the  death  penalty  without 
receiving  the  same.(^)  (Stobaeus,  Flori- 
gelium.) 

What  is  this  man  ? 
A  doctor. 

By  Jupiter !  a  doctor  must  be  very  sick 
when  all  the  world  is  well.(^) 

*  *  * 

PLATO  (Greek  philosopher,  4th  century 
B.C.). 

THE    LAWS    (dialogue  NINTH). 

Oh,  fool !  Thou  didst  not  care  for  the 
disease,  but  gavest  him  a  course  of  instruc- 
tion as  though  he  needed  not  a  cure  but 
rather  for  himself  to  become  a  physician. 

THE    REPUBLIC    (THIRD    BOOK). 

Herodicus(^)  was  master  of  the  gym- 


1  This  is  the  remark  of  Mazarinade,  "  Cate- 
chisme  des  courtisans  de  la  cour  de  Mazarin," 
1649: 

Who  is  this  doctor  ? 

He  is  an  honorable  executioner. 

2  In  a  comedy  played  at  Venice  towards  the 
close  of  the  sixteenth  century,  called  the  "Verita 
raminga,"  a  reminiscence  of  this  passage  is  found, 
where  the  doctor  and  apothecary  rejoice  at  the 
decadence  of  public  morals,  as  it  benefits  them. 

3  Herodicus  had  Hippocrates  for  a  disciple, 
but  the  latter  did  not  favor  his  master's  methods, 


nasium,  and  became  a  valetudinarian  ;  he 
made  of  medicine  and  gymnastics  an  ad- 
mixture that  served  not  only  to  torment 
himself,  but  many  after  him. 

In  what  way  ? 

By  managing  to  secure  a  slow  death ; 
for,  as  his  malady  was  mortal,  he  followed 
it  step  by  step  without  the  power  to  cure, 
neglecting  all  to  care  for  himself,  devoured 
by  inquietude  if  deviating  from  his  set 
diet,  so  that  by  the  force  of  his  art  he 
reached  a  ripe  old  age  by  a  life  of  horrible 
agony.  His  art  then  rendered  him  good  ser- 
vice. 

PLATO  (continued). 

The  best  indication  of  bad  laws  and  an 
intemperate  community  is  to  find  gathered 
together  many  lawyers  and  many  doctors. 

IMITATION, 

"  When  I  meet  at  each  step  a  patient,"  Arsecilas 

the  Scythian  did   say, 
I  at  once  know  'tis  very  unhealthy,  where  they're 

so  many  doctors  to  pay. 
Full  well  I  know  too,  or  imagine,  where  so  many 

are  given  to  vice, 
That  the  people  are  wholly  immoral  and  lawyers 

not  overly  nice." 

PLATO  (continued). 

Plato  says  that  only  physicians  are  per- 
mitted to  lie  at  liberty  when  our  health  de- 
pends on  vanity  and  the  falsity  of  their 
medical  promises.  (Montaigne,  Essays, 
Book  IV.,  Chapter  xxxvii.) 

Plato  regarded  medicine  as  prejudicial 
to  the  individual  as  to  society.  (Le  Mer- 
cure,  February,  1772.) 

Socrates,  according  to  Plato,  in  the 
Third  Book,  De  Regno, Q)  felicitated  an  ig- 

for  he  remarks :  "In  seeking  to  subdue  the  fa- 
tigue which  causes  a  disease,  by  another  malady, 
we  often  aggravate  the  condition  of  the  affection 
without  easing  it." 

I  The  chapter  "  De  Regno  "  does  not  exist  in 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


norant  painter  that  he  had  abandoned  an 
art  which  exposed  his  faults  to  the  eyes  of 
the  multitude,  to  embrace  medicine,  that 
put  his  blunders  out  of  sight  and  covered 
them  with  from  five  to  six  feet  of  earth. 
(Leroy,  Le  Charlatanisme  demasque.) 


^SCHINES  (Greek  orator,  4th  century 
B.C.). 

TO    iESCULAPIUS. 

I  know  the  impotence  of  human  art, 

And  place  in  Heaven  high  mine  only  hope. 

From  Athens  I  at  once  shall  make  a  start 

And  for  thine  woods, (^)  O  !  ^Esculapius,  grope. 

For  a  whole  year  mine  abscess  I've  endured  ; 

In  three  months'  time,  I  know,  I  shall  be  cured. 

*  *  * 

MENANDER   (Greek   comic   poet,  3d 
century  B.C.). 

To  employ  a  blabbing  physician  is  to 
gain  a  worse  malady  than  the  one  we  have. 

That  which  finished  me  was  a  consulta- 
tion of  physicians  whom  my  doctor  called 
to  assist  him.  I  succumbed  to  their  num- 
ber.("-) 

the  works  of  Plato.  This  idea  seems  to  have 
originated  with  Nicocles.  Petrarch,  in  his  "In- 
vectives," likewise  attributes  this  saying  to 
Socrates. 

1  "This  was  a  true  privileged  hospital,  for  in 
it  no  one  died,"  etc.     (Pausanias,  ii.,  26.) 

2  It  is  said  that  the  Emperor  Hadrian  died  of 
a  flux  at  the  age  of  sixty-two,  and  made  the  same 
remark,  i.e.,  "It  is  the  great  number  of  doctors 
that  killed  me,"  so  that  the  paternity  of  this  epi- 
j^ram  is  wrongly  attributed  to  this  source. 
Another  ancient,  seeing  several  physicians  around 
the  bed  of  a  dying  man,  exclaimed :  "  Behold  the 
vultures  around  the  carrion  !  " 

Casimir  Delavigne  parodied  a  celebrated  apos- 
trophe of  Horace  against  physicians  in  his 
'•  Comedians,"  Act  /,  Scene  II: 

Granville :    The   doctors   of    this   place   have 


IMITATION. 

Pourquoi  vous  etonner  Julie, 

Qu  un  peu  de  fievre  et  de  melancolie, 

Ait  pu  mettre  en  cinq  jours  Amarante  au  tombeau? 

Avec  ce  penetrant  genie 
Qui  connoit  le  plus  fin  de  la  philosophie, 
Pourquoi  demeurer  court  d'ans  un  chemin  si  beau, 
Et  douter  du  sujet  de  ce  malheur  funeste  ? 
Cessez  de  vous  en  prendre  aux  innocens  destins; 

La  cause  en  est  trop  manifeste, 

Elle  avoit  quatre  medecins. 

— BoRDELON,  Diversitez,  curieuse,  1699. 

M.P.,  being  extremely  ill,  saw  at  his 
bedside  several  physicians  who  had  been 
called,  pro  fonna,  in  consultation,  and  re- 
marked that  he  felt  like  a  soldier  con- 
demned by  a  court  martial ;  then,  address- 
ing the  doctor  who  seemed  to  him  most 
skilful  among  the  number,  he  said :  *'To 
you.  Monsieur,  I  confide  the  task  of  exe- 
cution, if  it  is  to  be  "(Bordelon). 


* 


NICOCLES 
B.C.). 


(Greek  poet,  4th   century 


TO    VALERIUS    MAXIMUS. 

Physicians  are  happy  because  the  sun 
lights  up  their  successes  and  the  earth 
hides  their  mistakes.  (^)  (Stobaeus,  jEdog. 
Serm.,  ccxlvi.) 

treated  him — God  knows  how  ;  there  were  three 
physicians,  and,  moreover — 

Pembrock :  Poor  man  !  how  could  he  contend 
against  three  ? 

Granville  :  Oh,  he  died  ! 

I  This  epigram  is  analogous  to  that  which 
several  authors  put  into  the  mouth  of  Socrates, 
and  has  often  been  reproduced  since  Beaumar- 
chais  repeated  it  in  "  Le  Barbier  de  Seville,"  act 
ii.,  scene  13  : 

Bartholow :  An  art  in  which  sunlight  honors 
each  success. 

The  Count:  In  which  earth  hides  each  mourn- 
ful blunder. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctor^. 


IMITATION. 

Between  professions,  sure, 
That  of  medicine  take  ; 

The  sun  shines  on  a  cure, 
Earth  hides  each  mistake. 


* 


■^ 


ATHENiEUS   (Greek  writer,  3rd  cen- 
tury B.  C). 

THE    BANQUET     OF    SAVANTS. 

By  Minerva !  Menecrates  of  Syracuse 
had  not  such  boastfulness  (')  as  he  who  has 
been  surnamed  Jupiter,  and  who  was  so 
proud  in  saying  that  by  his  medical  art  he 
was  arbiter  of  the  lives  of  men.  He  re- 
quired of  those  he  treated  for  diseases  re- 
garded as  incurable,  (')  to  engage  by 
written  contract,  to  serve  him  as  his  slaves 
when  they  were  cured,  and  really,  these 
subjects  never  left  him  afterwards.  Such, 
among  others,  was  Nicostratus,  of  Argos, 
who  followed  him  as  Hercules  after  being 
cured.  Ephippus  mentions  this  in  his 
"  Peltaste,"  but  "  Menecrates  said  that  he 
was  a  God,  and  Nicostratus,  of  Argos,  that 
he  was  another  Hercules." 

Another  of  the  subjects  cured,  took  the 
chlamys  and  rod  of  Mercury;  another 
assumed  winged  heels  and  pinions  like 
unto  the  God,  like  unto  Nicagoras,  of 
Zela,  who  was  the  tyrant  of  his  country, 

1  Athenaeus  speaks  here  of  the  pride  of  a  cer- 
tain cook  who  boasted  that  he  had  found  a  method 
of  rendering  himself  immortal  by  bringing  the 
dead  to  life  with  the  odor  of  his  dishes  alone. 

2  The  text  says  sacrees,  because  all  incurable 
diseases  were  regarded,  in  times  of  antiquity,  as 
evils  attributed  10  divine  wrath.  Epilepsy  was 
among  the  sacred  diseases,  and  was  often  simu- 
lated, as  at  the  present  day,  for  invoking  the 
charity  and  pity  of  the  passer.  Menecrates,  with- 
out doubt,  attracted  such  malingerers,  who  easily 
imposed  on  his  egoti-,tical  credulity  and  knew  how 
to  work  the  physician  to  their  profit. 


according  to  Baiton,  in  his  account  of  the 
tyrants  of  Ephesus. 

Hegesander  reports  that  Menecrates, 
before  curing  Astycreon  made  him  take 
the  name  of  Apollo.  Another  patient,  who 
was  likewise  treated  successfuly,  took  the 
costume  of  yEsculapius,  and  accompanied 
the  charlatan  Menecrates  in  his  wanderings. 
As  to  Menecrates  himself,  he  went  by  the 
name  of  Jupiter,  and  wore  a  purple  robe, 
with  a  crown  of  gold  upon  his  head,  and  a 
scepter  in  his  hand,  and  paraded  about 
with  his  conclave  of  spurious  divinities. 
One  day  he  wrote  to  Philip,  King  of 
Macedon,  as  follows  : 

^^ Menecrates  Jupiter,  to  King  Philip,  greet- 
ing! 

Thou  art  King  of  Macedon,  and  I  am 
King  of  Medicine.  Thou  canst  make 
men  in  health  perish  when  thou  desireth. 
I  can  save  the  sick,  guarantee  to  cure  all 
disease  up  to  the  extremity  of  old  age. 
Those  who  are  well,  if  they  follow  my 
orders  live  for  ever.  If  thou  hast  soldiers 
to  guard  thy  person  and  life,  I  have  for 
protectors,  those  I  have  snatched  from  the 
jaws  of  death.  For,  it  is  I,  Jupiter,  who 
giveth  life." 

King  Philip  responded  to  this  fool 
quack  doctor  in  these  words  : 

^^ Philip,  to  Menecrates,  greeting  and  better 
sense  r'  {') 

Menecrates  wrote  in  about  the  same 
terms  to  Archidamus,  King  of  Lacedemo- 
nia,  and  to  others  on  the  occasion,  ntver 
forgetting  to  omit  his  self  assumed  title  of 
Jupiter. 

Philip  one  day  invited  this  doctor  to 
dinner,    together  with  his   retinue   of  so- 

I  It  is  also  said  that  the  King  added  that 
Menecrates  "might"  go  to  Anticyra,  the  classical 
land  of  Hellebore,  that  plant  having  the  reputa- 
tion of  curing  insanity. 


8 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


called  Gods.  The  quack  was  placed  upon 
a  throne  ornamented  in  the  greatest  mag- 
nificence, and  with  all  the  mock  ceremony 
possible.  A  table  was  placed  before  him, 
on  which  were  all  the  first  fruits  of  the 
season  and  delicious  cooked  meats,  but, 
the?e  were  only  served  to  the  King's  con- 
vivial companions,  who  were  in  the  joke  ; 
the  servants  only  allowed  Menecrates  and 
his  troupe  of  Gods  to  smell  the  odor  from 
the  empty  cups  used  in  libations ;  finally, 
the  quack  Jupiter  Menecrates,  finding  him- 
self the  laughing  stock  of  the  King's  com- 
pany, flew  away  from  the  repast  with  his 
patients.  Alexis  recalls  the  memory  of 
Menecrates  in  his  Minos. 

if  "^  -^ 

HEDYLE  (3d  century  B.  C.).0 

EPIGRAM. 

Agis  had  not  given  a  clyster  to  Aris- 
tagoras,  and  had  not  even  felt  his  pulse, 
for  no-  sooner  had  he  entered  the  sick 
room  than  the  spirit  of  Aristagoras  de- 
parted. Is  aconite  more  powerful  than 
the  presence  of  Agis?  Ye  who  make 
funeral  biers,  cover  Agis  with  flowers  and 

crowns. 

*  *  * 

STRATON  (2d  century  B.  C.). 

EPIGRAM. 

The  physician  Capiton,  laved  the  eyes 
of  Chryses  with  an  elixir.  Before,  he  saw 
a  tower  at  eight  stadiums  distance,  at  one 
stadium  he  saw  a  man ;  at  twelve  cubits  he 
saw  a  quail ;  he  saw  a  louse  at  a  hand's  dis- 
tance. Now,  he  could  not  see  a  town  at  one 
stadium's  distance ;  at  a  few  yards  he  could 
not  perceive  a  light  house  ;  he  saw  a  horse 

I  These  citations  from  Hedyle,  Straton,  Nicar- 
que,  Macedonius,  Agathias,  Collicater  and  Lucille, 
are  derived  from  the  "  Greek  Anthology." 


at  two  hands'  distance ;  and  in  place  of 
seeing  a  quail  at  a  few  cubits,  he  could  not 
even  note  an  ostrich.  Had  he  continued 
his  physician's  remedy,  he  could  not  have 
perceived  even  an  elephant  standing  before 
him. 

*  *  * 

NICARQUE  {2d  century  B.  C). 

EPIGRAM. 

What  do  you  ask  passers  bye  ?  I  de- 
mand who  are  those  here  interred  under 
these  tombs  ?  These  are  all  patients  of 
Zopyrus,  those  whom  he  has  put  out  of  the 
way  of  sunlight ;  here  lie  Damis,  Aristotle, 
Demetrius,  Arcesilas,  Sostratus  and  many 
others.  Having  for  a  healing  rod  a  club, 
and  sandals  out  at  heels,  for  the  wings  of 
Mercury,  he  leads  all  those  he  treats  to 
Hell. 

ON    RECTAL    INJECTIONS. 

A  physician  suffocated  an  old  woman 
with  a  rectal  injection ;  none  knew  why 
she  died,  but  she  departed  promptly,  for 
the  noise  of  the  clyster  was  still  in  her 
family's  ears  when  they  placed  a  wreath  on 
her  grave,  and  prepared  the  burned  meats 
for  the  funeral  repast. 

Phedon  gave  me  neither  injections  nor 
inunctions ;  but,  having  a  fever,  I  recalled 
his  name  and  now  lie  here  dead. 

IMITATION. 

Phedon,  in  my  fever  w^hich  w^as  slight, 
Neither  a  drink  nor  clyster  w^arm  applied  ; 
But  Phedon's  name  set  my  heart  in  affright, 
And,  even  without  seeing  him,  I  died. 

— Saint  Simon. 

THE  ORTHOPEDIST. 

Socles  having  promised  to  straighten 
out  the  hump-backed  Diodorus,  placed 
three  heavy  stones  on  the  patient's  dorsal 
spine.     Crushed   beneath  the  weight  Die- 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


dorus   died;    but,  he   was   now   straighter 
than  a  rule. 

IMITATION. 

Socles  promised   Diodorus  to  relieve  him  of  his 

hump, 
And  placed  four  very  heavy  stones  upon  his  spinal 

bump; 
Diodorus  perished,  overloaded  with  this  weight ; 
Socles  kept  his  promise ;  the  hump  was  straight. 
— Adaptation  of  Chopin. 

AGAINST    THE    PHYSICIAN    SIMON. 

If  thou  hast  an  enemy  Dionysius,  call 
not  for  the  vengeance  of  Isis  (^)  nor  of 
Harpocrates,  nor  any  other  divinity  that 
deprives  one  of  sight,  but  call  in  the  physi- 
cian Simon,  for  Simon  can  avenge  thee  as 
the  Gods. 

IMITATION. 

Hast    thou    an  enemy  ?     Invoke  not  of  Isis  her 
wrath ; 
Nor   call    on    Harpocrates,    who,    too,    inflicts 
blindness. 
Call  in  Doctor  Simon,  the  guide  for  Death's  path. 
He'll  give  you  vengeance,  with  his  killing  kind- 
ness. 

THE    HAPPY    DEAD    MAN. 

In  a  surgical  operation  Agelaus  butch- 
ered Acestorides.  ''  If  he  had  Hved,"  said 
the  physician,  "he  would,  unfortunately, 
have  always  been  lame." 

IMITATION. 

Under  the  scalpel  of  a  master  surgeon, 

A  patient  trembling  but  all  hopeful  came. 

The    victim    died.       "  How    happy  !  "  cried    the 
doctor, 
"  For  had  he  lived,  he  surely  had  been  lame." 

EPIGRAMS. 

The  physician  Alexis  had  visited  five 
patients ;  he  prescribed  for  each  of  the  five 
a  wash,  a  bolus  and  a  friction ;  all  the  five 
lived  but  that  single  night,  for  there  was 

I  Isis  was  supposed  to  have  the  power  of  in- 
flicting blindness.     See  Ovid  "De  Ponto"  i,  51. 


only  one   remedy,  one   grave-digger,  one 
funeral,  one  tomb  and  one  lamentation. 

Before  rubbing  his  eyes  with  the  ocu- 
list's collyrium,  the  unfortunate  Damostra- 
tus  said  farewell  to  the  sacred  light  of 
day,  for  Dion  never  failed  in  his  art.  Not 
only  had  he  blinded  Jupiter,  but  he  had 
even  robbed  the  statue  erected  to  the 
latter  of  its  glass  eyes.  (') 

The  astrologer  Diophantes  announced^) 
to  the  physician  Hermogenes  that  he  had 
not  more  than  nine  months  to  live,  and  the 
doctor  only  laughed  and  exclaimed :  *'  Why 
delay  nine  months?  Knowest  not  that 
even  my  art  is  more  expeditious  ? "  As 
he  spoke  he  extended  his  hand  and  merely 
touched  the  astrologer's  pulse.  Diophantes 
immediately  expired  in  convulsions. 

Great  Caesar  !  The  fable  tells  us  how 
in  other  days  Eurystheus  sent  Hercules  to 
the  God  of  Death ;  now  it  is  I  who  send 
the  physician  Menophanes.  Therefore, 
we  no  longer  say  Menophanes,  but  Doctor 
Eurystheus. 

Yesterday  the  physician  Marcus  touched 
the  statue  of  Jupiter,  and  although  it  was 
carved  in  marble,  though  being  Jupiter,  it 
passed  away  to-day,  the  same  as  all  the 
other  of  this  doctor's  patients. 

Marcus  herimedicus  tetigitlapidemque  Jovemque; 
Ipse  hodie  effertur  Jupiter,  iste  lapis. 

IMITATION. 

Marcus,     physician,    yesterday    touched    Jupiter 

carved  in  stone  ; 
To-day,  both    stone   and   Jupiter  a  joint    burial 

own. 


1  These  eyes  were  not   formed  of  glass,  but 
rather  of  precious  and  sparkling  stones. 

2  One  of  the  physicians  of  the  Emperor  Ha- 
drian. 


10 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


PLUTARCH  (2d  century  B.C.). 

From  the  "  Lives  of  Illustrious  Men." 

CATO  THE  CENSOR  (his  Opinion  of   medi- 
cine). 

Cato  was  not  only  the  enemy  of  Greek 
philosophers,  but  likewise  held  as  suspects 
those  who  practiced  medicine;  and  he 
had,  no  doubt,  heard  of  the  response  of 
Hippocrates  to  the  King  of  Persia,  who 
had  offered  many  talents  to  the  great  phy- 
sician to  come  and  treat  him  at  his  Court, 
and  to  whom  the  physician  said  that  he 
never  treated  barbarians  who  were  the 
enemies  of  the  Greeks.  Cato  thought  this 
a  reflection  applicable  to  all  doctors,  and 
warned  his  son  to  avoid  them.  He  com- 
posed a  work  on  medicine  for  treating  the 
sick  in  his  own  household,  and  always  laid 
down  rules  of  diet  for  those  afflicted,  (') 
although  this  regimen  was  never  very 
severe.       He   nourished   them   on   herbs, 

I  Cato,  who  criticises  doctors  so  immoderate- 
ly, himself  fretended  to  cure  all  diseases  with 
curious  remedies,  which  he  recommended  in  all 
seriousness  in  his  "Rural  Economy."  Pliny,  also, 
desired  his  friends  to  avoid  doctors,  but  to  take 
the  medicines  he  prescribed.  In  later  ages  we  see 
Montaigne  and  Madam  Sevigne  fall  into  the  same 
pit  of  inconsistency. 

Among  Cato's  marvellous  remedies,  cabbage 
plays  a  leading  part,  i  e.^  retjiedies  prepared  with 
cabbage.  "If  at  meals  you  desire  to  eat  largely 
and  with  appetite,  eat  cabbage  with  vinegar — as 
much  as  you  may  desire — and  even  after  the  meal 
eat  five  cabbage  leaves,  and  you  will  still  feel  as 
though  you  had  not  eaten  nor  taken  drink  ;  and 
you  can  commence  to  drink  again  at  your  pleas- 
ure." He  recommends  the  juice  from  boiled  cab- 
bage, and  even  the  cabbage  itself,  in  gastric 
disorders ;  in  colic,  palpitation  of  heart,  gout, 
deafness,  urinary  retention,  and  in  diseases  of  the 
liver  and  lungs  "  Applied  in  cataplasms  to 
wounds  and  tumors,  it  will  cleanse  all  ulcerations 
and  cure  without  pain.  It  will  cause  abscesses  to 
open,  clean  and  cure  infected  wounds  and  cancers 
that  have  defied  all  other  remedies.      Contusions, 


duck's  flesh,  ring  doves  and  rabbits;  he 
claimed  this  nourishment  easy  to  digest  by 
weak  persons,  having  no  other  incon- 
venience than  to  make  them  talk  in  their 
sleep  in  their  dreams ;  with  this  treatment 
he  claimed  to  have  preserved  his  own 
health,  as  well  as  those  around  him.  But, 
in  reality,  he  was  not  so  successful  in  his 
treatment  as  he  claims,  inasmuch  as  he  lost 
his  wife  and  son.  For  himself,  he  was 
healthy  and  robust,  and  long  preserved 
physical  vigor ;  at  a  very  advanced  age  he 
often  cohabited  with  his  wife,  for  he  mar- 
ried late  in  life  a  young  girl  of  very  dispro- 
portionate age. 

DION — DEATH    OF   DTONYSIUS. 

Dion  fell  ill,  and  his  end  appeared 
near ;  Dion  desired  to  speak  a  word  in 
favor  of  the  children  he  had  had  by  Aristo- 
machus ;  but  the  physicians,  in  order  to 
pay  court  to  young  Dionysius,  who  was  to 
succeed  his  father,  left  no  time  for  Dion  to 
speak.  The  tyrant,  according  to  Timaeus, 
demanded  a  soporific ;  such  a  strong  one 
was  given  that  all  his  senses  were  be- 
numbed, and  he  promptly  entered  into  the 
sleep  that  knows  no  waking. 

ANTHONY    XXIX. 

Magnificent  presents  made  by  the  son  of  An- 
thony to  the  physician  Philotas. 

The  physician  Philotas,  of  Amphissa, 
was  admitted  to  the  friendship  of  the  eld- 
est son  of  Fulvia  by  M.  Anthony,  and  was 
on  such  terms  of  friendship  that  he  sat  at 
the  young  man's  table  among  his  other  ac- 

pustules  and  eruptions  are  cured  by  applications 
of  boiled  cabbage      It  is  a  veritable  panacea." 

Again,  in    another  section,  Cato   says  :  "  Pr^ 
serve  the  urine  of  a   person  who  has  eaten  cab- 
bage, warm  it  carefully  and  use  it  for  a  bath  for  a 
sick  person  ;  it  is  a  sure  cure  for  disease.   Children 
of  feeble  constitution  laved  in  cabbage  urine  will 


I 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


II 


quaintances,  when  the  latter  did  not  dine 
with  his  father.  One  evening,  at  a  con- 
vivial gathering,  a  young  physician  was 
also  admitted  to  the  table,  who  disturbed 
all  the  guests  with  his  loquacity.  Philotas 
closed  the  young  doctor's  mouth  by  the 
following  sophism:  "It  is  necessary," 
said  he,  "to  give  cold  water  to  a  man  who 
has  fever ;  now,  all  men  have  fever  to  a 
certain  degree;  it  is  necessary,  then,  to 
give  water  to  all  men  having  fever." 

The  young  physician  was  struck  dumb 
by  this  sophistry,  (^)  and  young  Anthony 
was  so  charmed  at  his  embarrassment  and 
laughed  with  all  his  heart,  and  exclaimed, 
"  Philotas,  take  all  that's  here ! "  and  opened 
a  closet  filled  with  superb  vessels  of  silver. 
Philotas,  not  thinking  a  boy  of  that  age 
could  make  gifts  of  so  great  value, 
merely  thanked  the  young  man  for  his 
good  will.  The  next  day  came  to  the 
house  of  Philotas  an  officer  of  Anthony's 
Court,  who  brought  in  this  great  present 
and  proceeded  to  weigh  the  silver  to  see 
that  none  was  missing.  Philotas,  who 
feared  to  be  blamed  if  he  received  such 
a  gift  from  the  young  man,  persistently 
refused  to  accept,  when  the  officer  said: 
"  What  an  innocent !  Do  you  hesitate  to 
accept  such  a  trifle  ?  Do  you  not-  know 
that  it  is  Anthony's  son  who  sends  the  gift, 
and  that  he  could  give  you  the  same 
amount  of  gold  vessels  without  being  over- 
generous?  True,  if  you  prefer  to  receive 
the  value  of  this  plate  in  money  it  may  be 
done,  for  it  is  possible  the  boy's  father  may 
desire  to  preserve  some  of  these  antique 
vases,  that  are  much  sought  after  on  ac- 

become  robust  for  ever  after,  and  those  having 
feeble  sight  and  weak  eyes  will  find  in  this  rem- 
edy an  excellent  collyrium.  Headaches  disappear 
when  the  forehead  is  bathed  in  cabbage  urine," 
etc.,  etc. 

2  This  has  very  little  logic. 


count  of  the  beauty  of  their  workman- 
ship." This  story  has  been  narrated  to  me 
by  my  grandsire,  who  had  often  heard 
Philotas  relate  the  same. 

♦ 
LUCIAN  (120-200  A.D.). 

EPIGRAM. 

A  physician  sent  his  son  to  me  to  learn 
belle  iettres,  whence  he  came  to  know  those 
verses  from  Homer  so  much  used  by  gram- 
marians : 

"The  Muses  sang  in  wrath,  making  a  thousand 

misfortunes. 
Sending   to  realms   Plutonic    many   a  soul   most 

valiant." 

The  father  heard  these  lines  and  no 
longer  sent  his  son  to  school;  and,  one 
day  meeting  me,  he  said:  "My  son  can 
learn  all  that  from  me ;  in  fact,  I  send 
more  souls  to  Pluto  than  the  Muses.  I  do 
not  need  a  grammarian  in  my  family. 

LATIN    IMITATION.  (^) 

Ad  me  grammaticam  natum  qui  disceret  artem, 

Instructus  medica  miserat  arte  pater. 

At  puer  didicit.  "  Refer  iram  "  et  "  Mille  dolores 

Fecit,"  et  bis  junctus  qui  quoque  versus  erat: 

"  Praestantes  multas  animas  sub  Tartara  misit?" 

Non  pater  ad  ludum  mittit.  ut  ante,  meum. 

Mox    que    ubi    me    vidit :     "  Tibi    gratia,    dixit, 

amice ; 
Me  doctore,  potest  dicere  natus  idem. 
Ipse  animas  egomet  multas  sub  Tartara  mitto  ; 
Grammatici  neque  an  id  posco  docentis  opem." 

DIALOGUE    OF    THE    GODS. 

Dialogue  T4TH. — Dispute  between  ^Es- 
culapius  and  Hercules  regarding  preaudience. 

Characters:  JupiTER,  Hercules,  ^scu- 

LAPIUS. 

Jupiter : 

Finish  as  soon  as  'tis  possible ;  ye  weary  my 
brain. 

I  The  translation  into  Latin  verse  is  by  Vavas- 


12 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


5 


What !  will  ye  not  go  to  the  banquet   ready 
in  waiting  ? 

See  that  brilliant  circle  of  Gods  and  likewise 
of  demigods ! 

Yet,  as  two  fools,  ye  keep  ever  disputing. 
Hercules : 

What  wouldst  thou,  father,  that  a  low  char- 
latan 

Take  place  before  me  ? 
yEsculapius  : 

How  ?     I  trust  mine  rights  in  this  place  are 
worth  more  than  thine  ! 
Hercules  ; 

Of  what  rights  speakest  thou?  I  cannot  agree  : 

For  Jupiter,   knowing   the  laws   thou  trans- 
gressed, (') 

Punished  thee   with   his   withering   thunder- 
bolt. 

And,  in  compassion  rather  than  equity, 

Raised  thee,  unworthy  one,  to  ranks  immor- 
tal. 

Can  this  be  thine  privilege  ? 
./^culapius  : 

To  the  eyes  of  great  Hercules  my  sad  taking- 
off  seems  amusing  ! 

Dost  not  remember  that  on  Mt.  ^tna  thou 
wert  once  thrown  ? 

That  was  thine  funeral  pyre. 
Hercules : 

Insolent !     Think  ye  that  I,  son  of  the  mas- 
ter of  thunder, 

I,  of  unfortunate   mortals  known  as  a  deity, 

I,  whose  strong  arm  has  subdued  a  hundred 
grim  monsters 

And  bowed  their  heads  low  for  their  hideous 
crimes  . 

That  1,  should   be  placed  on  a   par  with  a 
charlatan, 

An  empiric  practicing  in  public  places. 

Acting  as  mountebank  with  feet  and  hands 
nimble, 

Selling  at  low  price  his  balms,  called  all  sove- 
reign ; 

To  our  poor  sick  ones  rendering  some  useful 
service. 

The  same  as  are  given  by  all  generous  mor- 
tals? 
JElsculapius : 

I  find,  in  truth,  thine  discourse  to  be  marvel- 
ous. 

I  Allusion  is  here  made  to  raising  Hippolytus 
from  the  dead. 


When  thou  first  entered  Heaven's  bright  por- 
tals. 
With  Centaur  Nessus'  thrice-fatal  tunic, 
And  funeral  pyre  by  thineself  lighted, 
Twice  hadst  thou  by  death's  fires  been  con- 
sumed. 
Ingrate  !     And  was  it  not  mine  friendly  hand 
That  called  thee  from  death  to  life  eternal  ? 
Yes  ;  but  for  me,  who  but  a  poor  surgeon  am. 
Spreading  my  benefits  to  all  human  races. 
Fevers  and  pains,  of  all  kinds  and  manners. 
Withdraw  at  mine  instance  their  hideous  co- 
horts ; 
I  have  never  denied  mine  honored  employ- 
ment. 
Nor  have  I  been  like  a  slave  as  hast  thou. 
Under  the  purple  hiding  mine  talents ; 
In  rich  Lydias'  palace  lingering  in  dalliance, 
Turning  a  spindle  with  languorous  fingers. 
Never  was  I  so  ridiculous  a  lover, 
Nor  bowed  I  humbly  at  the  feet  of  Omphales 
With  forehead  bruised  with  the  gold  of  her 

sandals ! 
One  ne'er  saw  me  shiver  with  horrors ! 
One  ne'er  saw  me,  in  excess  of  anger, 
Slaughter  at  one  time  children  and  mother  ! 
Hercules : 

Hold   thine   peace,  beast,  with  tongue  of  a 

viper  ! 
Woe  be  to  thee  !  for  with  my  arm  vigorous. 
Raised,  though  all  trembling,  high  unto  hea- 
ven. 
To  fall  first  on  thine  head. 
Go  !     Immortality  prevents  but  slightly 
Breaking  thine  neck  and  the  bones  of   thine 

body. 
I'd  wager  besides  thine  protector  Apollo, 
Patron  of  doctors,  no  matter  what's  done. 
Would  restore   anew  thine  vile,  wicked  car- 
cass. ' 
Jupiter : 

Cease,   brawlers,    I    order,   or   far    from    this 

banquet 
I'll  force  ye  to  carry  such  wearisome  quarrels, 
^sculapius  first  takes  his  seat  at  mine  table, 
Since  he  first  died,  that  right  is  most  valid. 

TRAGODOPODAGRA  (drama). 

The  Gout:  What  mortal  on  earth  fails 
to  recognize  me,  the  Gout?  King  of  all 
pains,  an  invincible  sovereign.     No  vapors 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


13 


of  incense  can  calm  my  violence,  neither 
blood  sacrifices  spread  upon  warming 
braziers,  nor  temples  in  which  are  suspend- 
ed richest  of  offerings.  Pean  with  his 
remedies  cannot  triumph  over  me  though 
he  be  physician  to  the  Gods  of  Heaven, 
nor  can  ^sculapius  the  son  of  Phebus  sub- 
due me.  Since  humanity  had  birth,  men 
have  had  the  audacity  to  seek  to  destroy 
my  power  by  using  offensive  remedies 
against  me.  A  thousand  artifices  have 
been  used  to  injure  me.  One  used  hemp 
and  plantain,  another  prescribed  sraallage, 
another  lettuce  leaves,  and  still  another 
wild  purslane;  some  used  leeks,  pond 
weeds,  stinging  nettle,  or  even  the  weeds 
that  flourish  on  our  marshes;  some  advised 
cooked  parsnips,  peach  leaves,  hyoscia- 
mus,  poppies,  onions,  pomegranates,  flea- 
wort,  hellebore,  niter,  foenugreek  infused 
in  wine,  frog  spawn,  gum  cypress,  barley 
flower,  boiled  cabbage,  salted  pickles,  sheep 
dung,  human  excrement,  bean  flour ; 
others,  again,  gave  cooked  toads,  weasels, 
lizards,  cats,  frogs,  hyenas,  musk  deer  and 
foxes.  What  metals  has  not  man  essayed? 
What  juice  has  he  not  tried  ?  He  has 
utilized  the  bones  of  all  known  animals, 
their  nerves,  skin,  flesh,  fat,  blood,  urine 
and  milk.  Some  have  taken  remedies 
four  times,  others  eight  times.  Some  have 
been  purified  before  taking  these  sacred 
potions ;  some  have  abused  themselves  by 
the  charms  bought  from  impostors  ;  a  third 
and  ignorant  class  is  trapped  by  the  Jew 
quacks ;  and  there  is  a  last  kind  that  in- 
voke and  implore  the  power  of  true  medi- 
cine. As  for  myself,  I  make  the  world 
weep,  and  am  most  incited  against  those 
who  use  such  remedies  in  their  endeavors 
to  chase  me  away.  As  for  those  who  re- 
sist not,  I  have  a  more  kindly  feehng,  and 
treat  them  less  severely.  Those  initiated 
in   my  mysteries   learn   to  say,  above  all, 


good  words  for  me,  and  charm  others  with 
joyous  praises  of  the  pangs  I  inflict.  All 
the  healthy  world  laughs  and  applauds 
when  they  see  me  carried  to  the  baths. 

I  am  that  Atia  of  whom  Homer  speaks, 
he  who  walks  on  men's  heads  with  delicate 
toes ;  the  vulgar  call  me  Gout,  because  I 
catch  them  by  the  feet.  (0  I  have  tamed 
more  than  one  mortal  hero ;  sages  are  not 
ignorant  of  the  fact  that  the  light-footed 
Priam  has  become  Priam  the  gouty-toed. 
A  foot  disease  carried  off"  the  great  Achilles, 
son  of  Peleus.  Bellerophon  was  one  of 
my  victims.  The  Sovereign  of  Thebes, 
^dipus,  had  swollen  feet.  Plisthines,  one 
of  the  Pelopides,  was  gouty  as  well  as 
commander  of  the  fleet.  Another  chief  of 
the  Thessalians,  Podarces,  although  gouty- 
toed,  took  command  of  the  ships  when 
Protesilas  perished  in  the  naval  combat. 
It  is  I,  the  Gout,  who  killed  the  Sovereign 
of  Ithiaca,  that  mighty  Ulysses,  son  of 
Laertes.  Unfortunate  mortals,  do  not  re- 
joice in  your  insolence,  but  quietly  submit 
to  the  just  punishment  I  choose  to  inflict. 

Chorus  of  Doctors .  We  are  the  Syrians, 
born  at  Damascus  ;  pressed  by  hunger  and 
misery,  we  wander  o'er  earth  and  waters. 
We  know  an  ointment,  a  gift  paternal,  with 
which  we  ease  those  who  are  gouty. 

The  Gout :  Of  what  is  this  ointment 
composed  ?     How  is  it  prepared  ? 

A  Physician  :  An  oath,  most  solemnly 
taken,  will  not  permit  us  to  divulge  the 
secret.  Our  father,  in  dying,  recommended 
as  his  last  wish  that  we  reveal  not  the 
ingredients  of  this  remedy — an  agent  that 
will  bring  your  cruel  pains  to  terms. 

T^fe  Gout :  What !  Miserable  villains ! 
there  is  not  in  this  whole  world  a  remedy 
that  can  constrain  my  powers.     Make  your 

I  The  word  podagra,  in  Greek,  really  signifies 
the  trap  in  which  the  animal  is  caught  by  the  feet. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


healing  contracts,  and  we  shall  see  whether 
my  fires  or  your  remedy  is  strongest. 
Come,  griping  pains,  from  your  sombre 
concealment ;  fly  to  me,  death-shadows,  ye 
dear  companions  of  my  orgies !  Catch 
this  man  by  his  great  toes ;  penetrate  his 
heel  pieces;  spread  thine  acrid  humors 
under  his  knee  joints;  bend  his  fingers 
like  the  willows  in  a  basket. 

The  Gouty  Pains :  We  have  executed 
your  orders !  They  are  overthrown  and 
prostrate !  Ah !  the  unfortunates,  how 
they  utter  lamentable  cries !  Our  very 
approach  has  twisted  their  limbs  with  tor- 
tures. 

The  Gout:  Go!  quackish  strangers,  see 
now  whether  your  ointment  will  remedy 
your  own  attack.  If  it  will  really  oppose 
my  fury,  I  shall  abandon  the  earth ;  I  will 
burst  my  own  entrails  and  plunge  alone 
into  the  deepest  gulf  of  Tartarus,  unknown 
and  invisible. 

The  Physician  :  Alas  !  The  ointment 
applied  does  not  diminish  the  hellish  fires 
of  the  pain. 

The  Gouty  Patient :  Oh  !  great  God  ! 
I  am  pierced  through  and  through.  I  am 
dying !  an  invisible  power  has  destroyed 
me.  The  lightning  of  Jupiter  is  not  as 
terrible  in  its  effects ;  the  ships  on  the 
raging  sea  are  not  tossed  about  with  so 
much  fury,  and  the  whirlwinds  of  the  tem- 
pest are  less  impetuous.  I  am  bitten  by 
the  cruel  tooth  of  Cerebus  !  The  venom 
of  a  viper  seems  to  devour  me  !  Is  this  the 
subtile  poison  from  the  tunic  of  the  Cen- 
taur ?  Have  pity  on  me,  great  Deity,  this 
ointment  is  not  my  make.  It  is  not  a  rem- 
edy that  can  stay  your  potent  course,  and 
my  very  sufferings  proclaim  you  to  be  vic- 
torious over  all  mortals. 

The  Gout :  Cease,  cruel  tortures  !  mod- 
erate your  pains  !  When  this  patient  re- 
pents having  dared  to  defy  me,  all  should 


know  that,  save  among  the  Divinities,  I 
am  uncontrollable  and  vastly  superior  to 
all  mankind's  remedies. 

*  >fc  * 

DION    CASSIUS  (155  to  240  A.D.). 

ROMAN    HISTORY.  Q 

Augustus  was  reduced  by  disease  to 
such  extremities  that  he  could  no  longer 
administer  his  most  urgent  affairs.  In  his 
necessity  he  called  in  a  physician  named 
Antonius  Musa,  who  restored  his  health 
with  certain  beverages  and  cold  baths,  and 
Caesar  rewarded  this  doctor  by  giving  him 
a  large  sum  of  money  and  the  right  to 
wear  a  gold  ring,  because  the  physician 
had  served  him  freely  and  only  from  love 
for  his  majesty ;  and  thus  Caesar  gave  the 
prerogative  of  honor  to  all  those  that  there- 
after made  medicine  a  profession.  Al- 
though this  physician  had  the  skill,  or 
perhaps  good  fortune,  to  make  so  good 
and  favorable  a  cure, — I  might  add  per- 
haps the  Gods  assisted  him, — all  might 
have  gone  well ;  but,  some  time  after- 
wards, Marcellusf)  called  him  in  to  treat 
his  malady,  and  died,  although  he  was 
treated  precisely  in  the  same  manner  as 
Caesar  Augustus. 

*  .  * 


1  Translated  from  the  Greek  into  Old  French 
by  Anthoyne  Canque,  1 597  A.D. 

2  The  statue  raised  in  the  public  place  to  An- 
tonius Musa,  in  honor  of  his  having  cured  Augus- 
tus, was  torn  down  after  the  Emperor's  nephew 
had  been  killed  by  the  same  doctor.  At  least 
the  populace  held  Musa  responsible  for  the  death 
of  Marcellus ;  but,  notwitlistanding  the  unjust! 
insinuation  of  Dion  Cassius,  this  newly-freed  and 
ignorant  slave,  Musa,  like  the  majority  of  Roman 
physicians,  was,  without  doubt,  as  free  from  th 
charge  of  killing  Marcellus  as  he  was  of  curinj 
his  uncle  Caesar  Augustus. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


15 


DIOGENES    LiERTIUS   (Epicurean 
philosopher,  200  A.D  ). 

Lives  of  the  most  lilustiiotis  Philosophers 
of  Antiquity. 

EMPEDOCLES. 

The  physician  Acron  prayed  the  Con- 
sul to  grant  him  a  place  on  which  to  erect 
a    monument    to    his    father,    whom    he 
claimed    was    the    greatest    doctor     ever 
known.     Empedocles  prevented  the  grant- 
ing of  this  request,  as  much  from  motives  j 
of  reason   as  by  his  remarks:   "  What  in-  | 
scription  would  you  have?"  he  demanded  | 
of  the  doctor.    "  What  would  you  carve  on  | 
the   monument,    an    epitaph  ?      Would   it  | 
read,  'Acron,   the    most  eminent  of   physi-  | 
cians,  son  of  an  eminent  father,  is  interred  i 
upon  this  rocky  eminence^  the  most  eminent  \ 
point    among    his    country's   eminences.''  "  | 
Some    translate    the    second   verse,  "This  j 
eminent  tomb  contains  an  eminent  head."(^)  | 

HERACLITUS.  j 

He  became  so  misanthropic  that  he  re-  : 
tired  to  the  woods,  where  he  passed  his 
life  in  nourishing  himself  on  roots  and 
herbs.  He  contracted  dropsy  in  time, 
which  obliged  him  to  return  to  Ephesus, 
where  he  demanded,  while  scoffing  the 
physicians,  that  they  should  change  his 
rain  into  a  drought.  (-)  Not  being  satisfied 
with  their  replies,  he  tried  to  cure  himself : 

1  The  pith  of  this  epigram  rendered  into 
English  is  hidden  in  the  Greek  word  acron,  which 
signifies  eminent,  and  is  repeated  as  a  play  upon 
words  several  times.  This  irony  was  very  appH- 
cable  to  Acron,  who  was  proud  and  boastful, 
and  called  himself,  in  alluding  to  his  name,  the 
most  eminent  of  physicians. 

2  This  enigmatical  style  was  habitual  wi  h 
Heraclitus,  and  obtained  for  him  the  surname  of 
the  Gloomy  Philosopher.  See  his  letter  to  Am- 
phidamas  before  mentioned. 


he  entered  a  stable  and  buried  himself  in  a 
pile  of  cow  dung,  hoping  that  the  heat 
would  evaporate  the  water  through  the 
pores  of  his  skin  and  relieve  the  effusion, 
He  experienced  the  inutility  of  this  effort 
and  died  in  his  sixtieth  year.  Hermippus 
reported  that  he  consulted  the  doctors  in 
order  to  find  out  whether  there  was  not 
some  method  to  pump  out  the  water  from 
his  intestines,  and  that  he  was  answered 
that  no  such  procedure  was  known;  that 
he  then  went  out  into  the  sun  and  ordered 
his  children  to  cover  his  body  with  fresh 
cow  dung ;  and  that  the  treatment  weak- 
ened him  to  such  an  extent  that  he  died 
three  days  after.  Neanthes  of  Cyzicus 
says,  on  the  contrary,  that,  not  being  able 
to  draw  himself  from  the  dung  heap,  he 
died  there  and  was  eaten  by  dogs. 

EPICURUS.  {^) 

It  is  said  that  Aristotle,  in  his  youth, 
dissipated  all  his  patrimony  in  debauchery, 
and  was  reduced  to  enlist  as  a  soldier  in 
order  to  live,  and  he  played  the  charlatan 
by  selling  antidotes  to  his  comrades  on  the 
march. 

DIOGENES,   THE    CYNIC. 

The  rake  Didymon  was  occupied  in 
curing  the  eyes  of  a  young  girl.  Diogenes 
said  to  him:  "Take  care,  while  treating 
her  eyeball,  you  do  not  wound  some  other 

part."(0 

Having  seen  an  ex  wrestler  who  was 
practicing  medicine,  he  askf'd  him  by  what 

1  This  philosopher  composed  three  books 
against  doctors,  not  lorgiving  them  for  the  long 
sufferings  he  had  endured  from  a  disease  of  the 
urinary  organs,  of  which  he  finally  died.  The 
same  spitefulness  is  evident  in  the  works  of  J.  J. 
Rousseau,  who  had  the  same  malady  and  attacked 
physicians  for  a  similar  reason. 

2  This  raillery  is  upon  the  equivalents  of  the 
two  words  signifying  eyeball  and  girl.     Diogenes 


i6 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


right  he  overcame  those  at  present  who 
formerly  vanquished  him. 

IMITATION. 

V Athelete  Devenu  Medecin. 
Tonjours  vaincu  rosse,  meprise,  malheureux, 
Un  athelete  prefere  a  cet  art  dangereux 
Celui  de  medecin  que  sans  risque  il  exerce. 
Diogenes  lui  dit  "  T'es,  tu  pas  fait  docteur 
Pour  te  mieux  assurer  d'etendre  a  la  renverse 
Ceux  qui  te  renversaient  tant  que  tu  fus  lutteur?" 

*  *  * 

PLOTINIS   (Platonic  philosopher,  205- 
270  A.D.). 

PENSEE. 

Medicine  is  the  principle  of  errors. 

*  *  * 
BABRIUS   (3d  century  Christian  Era). 

Fables. 

THE    MEDICAL    FROG. 

A  frog  that  dwelt  in  the  mire  near  a 
swampy  pool  once  wandered  out  on  the 
solid  earth  and  told  every  animal  it  met 
that  it  was  a  great  physician  and  knew 
every  remedy  in  the  world,  being  even  a 
greater  doctor  than  Apollo,  who  lived 
on  Olympus  and  medicated  the  Gods. 
*'How!"  said  a  fox  whom  it  met,  ''you 
say  you  can  cure  others — you,  who  always 
limp  along  and  cannot  cure  yourself. 
Pah ! " 

THE    IGNORANT    DOCTOR. 

There  was  once  a  doctor  who,  like 
many  of  his  craft,  did  not  understand  his 
trade,  but  who  remarked  to  each  of  his  pa- 
tients :  "  Have  courage  !  I  will  save  you  ! 
The  disease  is  long,  but  you  will  be  cured." 
Once  this  medical  pretender  saw  a  very 

intended  to  hint  that  the  roue  and  physician 
Didymon  sought  to  use  the  medical  benefits  he 
conferred  on  the  girl  as  an  excuse  to  ruin  her. 


sick  man,  and  said  to  him :  *'Make  your 
will !  You  are  dying.  I  do  not  desire  to 
abuse  your  confidence  nor  to  deceive  you, 
but  if  you  live  until  to-morrow  you  will  last 
no  longer."  This  he  remarked,  and  re- 
turned to  visit  the  patient  no  more.  Some 
time  after  the  patient,  recovering  from  the 
attack,  went  out  for  a  walk,  still  pale  and 
just  able  to  stand.  The  physician  met  him 
and  said,  ''Good  day,  old  friend,  how 
goes  it  in  Hell  ?  "  The  former  sick  man 
smiled  and  calmly  responded  :  ' '  Every- 
thing is  quiet  there  for  they  drink  of 
Lethe's  waters.  (^)  Yet  recently  Pluto  and 
his  wife  were  abusing  earthly  doctors, 
whom  they  said  were  curing  too  many  pa- 
tients. They  had  the  names  of  some  of 
these  physicians  on  the  list,  and  your  name 
was  among  the  first ;  but,  seized  with  fear 
on  your  account,  I  rushed  forward  and  de- 
clared to  them  that  any  one  who  claimed 
you  were  a  doctor  was  guilty  of  pure 
calumny." 

*  *  * 

HIEROCLES     (Platonic     philosopher, 
5th  century  Christian  Era). 

FACETIA. 

A  scholar  meeting  a  physician  said : 
"  I  beg  your  pardon  that  I  am  not  sick." 

A  man  coming  across  a  doctor  while 
travelling,  hid  behind  a  wall.  Some  one 
asking  his  motive,  he  replied  :  "  It  is  so 
long  since  I  have  been  ill  that  I  blush  on 
seeing  a  physician." 

A  peasant  laughed  in  his  sleeve  on  see- 
ing a  physician  examine  the  silver  coin  he 
gave  him  as  fee  with  his  spectacles  on,  and 
leave  off  his  glasses  while  he  examined  the 
urine  in  the  chamber. 

*  * 


I   A  river  in  Hell  whose  waters  bring  oblivion 


The  Evil  tJiat  Jias  been  said  of  Doctors. 


^7 


MACEDONIUS  (6th  century  Christian 
Era). 

THE    doctor's    mistake. 

Yesterday,  I  was  sick.  A  physician, 
not  an  amiable  personage,  approached  my 
bed  and  forbade  me  to  drink  a  cup  of  nec- 
tar ;  he  prescribed  that  I  should  drink  only 
water;  he  was  an  ignoramus,  who  knew 
not  that  HomerO  has  said  ^^  Wine  is  the 
strength  and  health  of  mortals.^' 

I  received,  yesterday,  a  call, 
From  a  doctor  who  slayeth  all. 
Nectar  he  forbade  me  to  take, 
Only  water  my  thirst  to  slake — 
Forgetting  that  old  Homer  states, 
"  Wine  cheers  and  regenerates." 

*  .i.  * 

AGATHIAS  (Greek  historian,  6th  cen- 
tury Christian  Era). 

EPIGRAM. 

Alcimenes  was  tormented  by  the  fever ; 
his  voice  was  rough  and  harsh ;  his  lungs 
were  as  though  pierced  through  by  swords; 
and  an  asthma  oppressed  his  respiration. 
Soon  arrived  Callignotus,  of  Cos,  a  senten- 
tious physician,  filled  with  the  science  of 
.^sculapius,  apt  at  drawing  a  prognosis 
from  symptoms,  and  foreseeing  nothing 
more  than  what  happened.  He  examined 
iiow  Alcimenes  was  lying,  looked  at  his 
features,  felt  his  pulse,  consulted  a  treatise 
3n  critical  days  that,  like  a  new  Hip- 
pocrates, he  had  evolved  from  his  inner 
magination;  then,  with  a  self-important 
lir,  he  puffed   h^'mself  ur>  and  pronounced 

I  Allusion  is  here  made  to  verse  261  of  the 
lixthbook  of  the  Illiad,  "To  a  fatigued  man  wine 
jives  vigor." 


the  following  prognosis  in  the  case :  ''If 
thy  throat  ceases  to  breathe  noisily  ;  if  thy 
lungs  no  longer  oppress  thee  ;  if  the  fever 
does  not  interfere  with  thy  respiration, 
thou  wilt  not  die  of  pleurisy,  and  in  such  a 
case  we  presage  a  near  recovery.  Take 
courage  ;  however,  call  in  a  lawyer,  as  it  is 
always  wisdom  for  the  sick  to  arrange  their 
worldly  affairs ;  do  not  be  uneasy,  and  I, 
thy. physician,  as  the  price  of  this  good  ad- 
vice, ask  to  be  put  down  in  thy  will  for  a 
fee  of  one-third  of  thine  estate." 


CALLICTER  (Early  writer). 

EPIGRAM. 

With  drugs,  Rhodon  removed  leprosy 
and  King's  evil ;  for  that  matter,  however, 
he  oftentimes  removed  his  patients,  even 
without  drugs. 

*  *  * 

LUCILIUS  (Early  writer). 

EPIGRAMS. 

Neither  in  the  flood  of  the  Deucalion, 
when  the  earth  disappeared  under  the 
waters,  nor  in  the  burning  that  Phaeton 
spread  through  the  universe,  did  as  many 
persons  perish  as  have  been  killed  by  the 
poet  Potamon  and  the  surgeon  Hermoge- 
nes.  So  that  it  has  been  remarked  from 
the  beginning  of  time  that  there  have  only 
been  four  great  calamities  on  earth — the 
flood.  Phaeton's  conflagration,  Potamon, 
and  surgeon  Hermogenes. 

Diophantes,  having  seen  the  physician 
Hermogenes  m  a  dream,  nezer  woke  up 
again,  and  he  wore  a  charm  to  protect  him 
against  death,  too. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


MORAL  WORKS. 


Apothegms  of  the  Lacedemonians. 


II.    APOTHEGM    OF    AGESILAUS, 

The  physician  had  prescribed  for  his 
malady  a  course  of  treatment  to  restore 
health  that  was  neither  simple  nor  easy  to 
follow,  but,  on  the  contrary,  a  verv  diffi- 
cult task.  "By  the  twin-born  Gods!" 
cried  the  sufferer,  ''If  my  destiny  be  that  I 
will  not  live,  I  will  not  live,  although  I 
take  all  the  medicine  in  the  world!" 

The  physician,  Menecrates,  had  been 
happy  in  curing  several  desperate  cases, 
for  which  reason  he  had  been  nicknamed 
Jupiter;  and  he,  with  his  usual  arrogance, 
usurped  this  name,  so  that  he  signed  it  to 
his  letters,  as  follows :  "Men-crates,  the 
Jupiter,  to  Agesilaus,  greeting!"(')  And  the 
King  replied,  "Agesilaus  to  Menecrates. 
Better  sense  !  "  Meaning  that  the  doctor 
had  an  addled  brain. 

APOTHEGM    OF    ARCHIDAMUS.     XX. 

Periander  was  a  capable  physician  in 
his  art  and  much  esteemed  as  an  excellent 
man,  although  a  writer  of  poor  verses. 
Archidamus  one  day  remarked  to  him,  "  I 
believe,  Periander,  that  you  would  love  to 
be  called  a  poor  poet  rather  than  a  good 
physician ! " 

APOTHEGM    OF    PAUSANIAS.     LIX. 

A  physician  looked  at  him  and  exam- 

I  Athenaeus  relates  the  same  anecdote  in  re- 
gard to  a  letter  written  to  Phiilip,  as  mentioned 
in  a  previous  note. 


ined  into  his  physical  condition  and  then 
remarked,  "You  are  not  sick!"  "That  is 
why  I  have  no  use  for  you,"  retorted  Pau- 
sanias.  His  friends  took  him  to  task  for 
sy.'eaking  so  ill  to  a  doctor  whom  he  had 
never  tried  and  hod  never  incurred  his 
displeasure.  "  If  I  had  tried  him,"(^)  said 
Pausanias,  "I  should  not  now  be  living." 
On  another  occasion  a  physician  had 
said  to  him,  "  You  are  growing  old."  And 
he  replied:   "  Yes;  but  that  is  because  you 


I  We  find  this  same  idea  in  the  following 
dialogue : 

A  Doctor :    Why  do  you  go  and  treat 
With  assassins,  poisoning  thugs! 
Of  doctors  the  very  elite, 
W^hen  you  never  before  used  drugs? 

Pausanias:     Had  I    used   their   drugs   I'd  not 
speak  now  ; 
For  none  make  mutes  like  doctors,  I   trow. 

"Some  one,"  says  Bernier,  in  his  "  Essais  de 
Medecine,"  "imagines  to  have  made  a  beautiful 
response  to  a  great  Lord,  to  whose  kindly  chari- 
ties a  doctor,  fallen  into  poverty,  had  been  rec- 
ommended. For  this  no!)le  gentleman  demanded 
if  the  doctor  no  longer  visited  patients,  when  a 
wit  present  replied:  "He  has  no  more  clients. 
He  has  killed  all  of  them" 

Pausanias  was  once  asked  how  the  Thracians 
might  be  exterminated.  "Put  a  physician  at  the 
head  of  the  army,"  was  the  ready  reply. 

The  author  of  "  Medecine  a  la  censure" 
makes  "^osander  say  in  conversation  with  Cleante 
that  "  War  is  called  the  medicine  of  State  for  the 
reason  that  it  leads,  like  that  art,  an  infinite  num 
ber  of  persons  to  death." 


[ 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


19 


have  never  been  my  doctor."     ''And,"  he  I  who  do  not  starve  their  patients  and  thus 
continued,  "  the  best  physicians  are  those  I  put  them  sooner  under  ground." 


Apothegms  of  the  Romans. 


APOTHEGM     OF     MARIUS     CURIUS. 

Fabricus  having  been  named  Consul, 
the  physician(i)  of  Pyrrhus  wrote  him  a 
letter  in  which  he  promised  to  poison  his 
master  if  this  was  desired.  Fabricus  im- 
mediately sent  the  doctor's  letter  to  Pyr- 
rhus, telling  the  latter  he  had  bad  judg- 
ment in  knowing  how  to  choose  friends 
and  avoid  enemies.  Pyrrhus,  having  thus 
discovered  and  avoided  the  plot  laid  for 
his  life,  hung  his  physician  immediately 
and  sent  all  his  Roman  prisoners  to  Fabri- 

1  Elieu,  in  his  "  Histoires  Varices,"  says  that 
this  physician  was  named  Cineas. 

2  Democritus  responded  sagely  to  Hippocra- 
tes, that  after  thirty  years'  practice  one  is  the  best 
doctor.  This  was  also  the  opinion  of  Nero,  but 
he  had  a  little  malice  towards  doctors,  whom  he 
had  the  audacity  to  treat  as  executioners.  But 
Nero  was  not  the  only  Roman  Emperor  who 
jeered  at  physicians,  for  Vespasian  and  Maximil- 
lian,  among  others,  have  no  less  abused  them.  It 
is  said  that  the  latter,  being  sick,  called  in  a  num- 
ber of  doctors,  more  to  divert  himself,  however. 


cus  without  obliging  them  to  pay  a  ran- 
som. 

OF  OLD  AGE  CONSIDERED  IN  ITS  RELATION 
TO  THE  ADMINISTRATION. 

It  is  shameful,  said  Tiberius  Caesar, 
that  a  man  who  has  passed  his  sixtieth 
year  should  allow  a  physician  to  feel  his 
i  pulse ;(-)  but  it  is  much  more  shameful  to 
tender  his  hand  to  the  people,  praying 
them:  to  give  voice  and  and  suffrage  for 
his  election  to  office,  for  this  is  vile  and 
low. 

than  to  be  treated,  and  asked  each  of  them, 
"Quot?"  meaning  "How  many?"  The  doctors, 
not  understanding  the  Prince's  question,  remained 
silent,  until  an  old  fellow,  thinking  by  the  word 
"  Quot?  "  that  Maximillian  meant  "  How  many 
have  you  killed  ?  "  seized  his  beard  with  both 
hands  and  answered,  "Tot!  "  (as  many  as  that), 
meaning  he  had  killed  as  many  persons  as  there 
were  hairs  in  his  whiskers.  Delighted  and  satis- 
x^ed  with  this  response,  Maximillian  told  the  old 
doctor  that  he  was  much  wiser  than  his  medical 
associates,  or,  at  least  more  witty  and  sincere. 


20 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


ANONYMOUS  WRITERS. 


(^Extracts  from    Greek   Anthology.^ 


THE    EYE    DOCTOR. 

It  was  not  with  a  probe,  but  with  a 
trident,  that  Charinus  dressed  mine  eyes, 
and  he  washed  them  out  with  a  sponge  full 
of  ink.  In  removing  his  pitch-fork  trident 
he  pulled  out  mine  eyes,  leaving  a  portion 
of  his  instrument  behind.  Had  he  at- 
tempted to  have  dressed  mine  eyes  on  a 
second  occasion  there  would  have  been  no 
trouble  with  mine  eyes,  inasmuch  as  there 
had  been  no  eyes  left  to  worry  over. 

DAMAGORAS    AND    THE    PLAGUE. 

Some  person,  having  remarked  that 
Damagoras  and  the  plague  had  the  same 
numerical  value,  examined  their  characters 
carefully  and  weighed  the  result  in  deli- 
cately construes  ed  scales;  Damagoras  was 
so  heavy,  in  proportion,  that  his  mortality 
weight  lowered  his  side  of  the  scale,  while 
the  plate  containing  the  plague  was  lifted 
high  in  air  by  its  very  contrasting  light- 
ness. 


THE   DOCTOR  AND    THE  GRAVE  DIGGER. 

The  physician  Crates  and  the  grave- 
digger  Damon  most  pleasantly  acted  as 
purveyors  to  each  other.  Damon  stole  the 
shrouds  of  all  those  who  were  buried  and 
presented  them  to  the  physician  Crates, 
that  he  might  dress  his  patients'  wounds 
therewith.  All  that  Crates  thus  dressed 
were  soon  on  their  biers,  and  in  order  to 
be  interred  were  sent  to  Damon. 

PROVERB. 

Acesias  medicatus  est  (Acesias  treated 
him).(M 

I  Acesias  lived  in  the  eighteenth  Olympiad. 
He  was  widely  known  for  his  almost  total  lack  of 
success  in  practice.  Aristophanes  lampooned  him 
in  sarcasms,  gathered  and  repeated  in  turn  by 
Tertullian,  Suidas  and  Erasmus,  who  have  dis- 
coursed on  this  unfortunate  medical  celebrity. 
His  professional  ignorance  passed  as  a  proverb, 
and  when  any  affair  that  was  growing  worse  and 
worse  each  day  was  mentioned,  it  was  a  byword 
that  Acesias  is  treating  him. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


21 


EXTRACTS  FROM  THE    SCRIPTURES  AND  WRITINGS  OF  THE  FATHERS 

OF  THE    CHURCH   REFLECTING    AGAINST 

DOCTORS. 


OLD   TESTAMENT. 

CHRONICLES  (Book  II,  chapter  xvi). 

Asa  fell  sick,  in  the  thirty-ninth  year  of 
his  reign,  with  very  violent  pains  in  his 
feet;  meantime,  he  called  not  on  the  Lord 
in  his  sickness,  but  rather  put  his  trust  in 
the  physicians. 

And  he  slept  with  his  fathers,  dying  in 
the  forty-first  year  of  his  reign.  (') 

NEW  TESTAMENT. 

THE   EVANGELIST  ACCORDING  TO  SAINT 
MARK. 

There  was  a  woman  sick  from  a  loss  of 
blood  for  more  than  twelve  years.  (-) 

She  had  suffered  much  in  the  hands  of 
many  physicians,  and,  having  expended 
all  her  goods,  had  found  no  relief,  but  had 
grown  worse. 

Having    heard    Jesus    spoken    of,  she 


1  The  death  of  this  monarch,  who  expired, 
jiotwithstanding  the  assistance  of  numerous  doc- 
lors,  after  two  years  of  suffering,  gave  us,  without 

ioubt,  that  reflection  of  King  Hezekiah,  who, 
earing  a  similar  result  or  really  convinced  that 
nedicine  was  contrary  to  divine  teachings,  burned 
he  books  of  Solomon  containing  remedies  for  all 
liseases  "  because,"  said  Cedrenus,  "  the  people 
esort  thereto  and  neglect  to  pray  to  God  in  order 
o  obtain  health." 

2  The  Biblical  extracts  are  not  in  strict  accord- 
nee  with  the  English,  King  James'  version,  but 
he  substance  is  the  same. 


came  m  the  crowd  that  followed  him,  and 
touched  his  garments. 

For,  said  she  :  '*  If  I  can  but  touch  the 
hem  of  his  garment  I  shall  be  healed." 

At  the  instant,  her  flowing  of  blood 
ceased,  and  she  felt  in  her  body  that  she 
had  been  cured  of  her  infirmity. 

*  ^  5j< 

TERTULLIAN    (Christian   writer,    2d 
century  A.  D.). 

EPIGRAM. 

They  propitiated  ^sculapius  by  pres- 
ents, following  the  Grecian  fashion. 

OF    THE    SOUL. 

Soranus,  a  learned  author  of  methodi- 
cal medicine,  taught  that  the  soul  is  nour- 
ished by  corporeal  food,  and,  that  it  is 
necessary  to  feed  it  in  order  to  prevent  its 
decay. 

He  claimed  that  Herophilus  ceased  to 
be  a  physician  in  order  to  become  a  public 
executioner,  and  dissected  hundreds  of 
bodies  for  the  purpose  of  interrogating  na- 
ture ;  that  he  was  detested  by  man  in  order 
to  know  him  better,  and  that  he  might  learn 
the  marvels  of  humanity's  internal  organiza- 
tion. That  he  was  an  executioner,  as  it 
gave  him  the  opportunity  to  see  the  great 
changes  wrought  in  the  parts  suddenly  de- 
prived of  life,  when  the  death  was  not 
natural;  that,  afterwards,  he  investigated 
the  bodies  dead  from  disease,  as  a  true  ana- 


22 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


tomist,  and  by  comparison  exposed  the  un- 
happy failures  of  life.(^) 

DEFINITION    OF    THE    SOUL. 

The  physician  Asclepiades  was  ap- 
plauded for  the  following  argument : 

''The  majority  of  animals,  if  we 
remove  the  part  of  the  body  in  which  is 
placed  the  principal  seat  of  the  sovereign 
faculty  of  the  soul,  survive  sometimes,  and 
give  evidence  of  intelligence.  It  is  so 
with  flies,  wasps,  grasshoppers,  when  we 
cut  off  their  heads ;  it  is  the  same  with 
goats,  turdes  and  eels,  when  their  hearts 
are  torn  out.  Then,  the  preponderatmg 
faculty  does  not  exist;  if  it  exists,  the 
vigor  of  the  soul  is  not  continued  when  the 
superior  faculty  is  destroyed  with  its  organs. 
The  majority  of  physicians,  Herophilus, 
Erasistratus,  Diodes,  Hippocrates  and 
Soranus  himself,  finally,  all  other  Christian 
doctors  maintain  that  there  is  in  the  soul  a 
dominant  faculty,  and,  that  it  has  its  sanc- 
tuary in  a  certain  portion  of  the  body.f) 
Even  such  thinkers  as  Protagoras,  Apollo- 
dorus  and  Chrysippus  are  of  the  same 
opinion.     So  that  Asclepiades,  refuted  by 


1  Herophilus,  physician  to  Ptolemy  Sotor,  570 
years  before  Christ,  and  Erasistratus,  physician  to 
Seleucus  Nicanor,  dared,  under  protection  of 
these  princes,  to  dissect  human  bodies.  This 
audacity,  contrary  to  the  moral  and  religious  pre- 
cepts of  ancient  times,  led  them  to  be  accused  of 
dissecting  persons  alive.  Medea  was  likewise 
accused  of  boiling  gentlemen  alive,  when  she  in- 
vented her  celebrated  hot  baths.  The  same 
calumny  was  uttered  against  Andrew  Vesalius  in 
a  later  age. 

2  Hippocrates  placed  the  soul  in  the  brain. 
Herophilus  claimed  it  was  in  the  cerebellum , 
Straton  and  Erasistratus  located  it  in  the  mem- 
branes of  the  latter  organ.  Tertullian  pretended 
the  seat  of  the  soul  was  in  the  heart,  being  a  body 
sui  generis.  According  to  this  veracious  writer,  it 
was  male  or  female ;  it  had  three  dimensions, 
leugth,  breadth,  depth  ;    it    had   particular  mem- 


them,  sought  for  his  goats  that  bleated  with- 
out hearts,  and  chased  the  flies  that 
flew  without  a  head;  and  all  those  who 
believed  in  the  disposition  of  the  human 
soul  after  the  condition  of  beasts,  knew 
that  the?e  were  those  who  lived  without  hearts 
or  brains. 

ON    EMBRYOTOMY. 

Among  the  physicians  may  likewise  be 
met  Hicesius,  who  is  faithless  to  nature,  as 
well  as  to  his  art.  (^) 

There  was  among  his  instruments  of 
surgery,  a  brass  needle,  which  served  to 
kill  off  the  infant  in  its  mother's  womb, 
and  was  called  an  embryosphacte  f)  be- 
cause it  was  used  for  infanticide  and  the 
destruction  of  life.  It  had  been  in  the 
hands  of  Hippocrates,  Asclepiades,  Eras- 
istratus and  Herophilus,  who  cut  up  even 
living  men  with  this  instrument. 

M.  *  * 

SAINT  GREGORIUS    NANZIAN- 
ZEN  (329  to  389  A.  D.). 

EPIGRAM. 

The  physician  who  pretends  to  cure 
diseases  of  which  he  cannot  cure  himself, 
is  an  ignoramus  as  well  as  a  dishonest 
man.  f ) 

bers,  a  form  in  harmony  with  that  of  the  body  ; 
it  is  palpable,  transparent,  of  an  aerian  color ;  all 
souls  rise  one  from  another  by  propagation,  with- 
out being  formed  by  a  new  creation. 

The  errors  of  Tertullian,  caused  his  rejection 
by  the  Church.  According  to  Vincent  de  Lerius, 
we  can  only  classify  him  as  an  apostate. 

1  This  is  intended,  without  doubt,  to  mean 
Acesias,  to  whom  a  proverb  was  applied  in  a 
previous  note. 

2  Composed  of  two  Greek  words  that  signify 
/  kill  the  evibiyo. 

3  Plato  in  his  Republic,  hook  III,  has  expressed 
the  same  idea  in  a  much  more  philosophic  manner. 
"Physicians,"    says  he,  "became   very   clever  in 


The  Evil  that  has  been  saict  of  Doctors. 


■3 


SAINT  AMBROSIUS   (Bishop  of  Mi- 
lan, 340  to  397  A.  D.). 

EPIGRAM. 

The  rules  of  medicine  are  contrary  to 
the  knowledge  of  divine  mysteries ;  they 
prevent  fasting,  condemn  study  and  inter- 
fere with  the  exercise  of  profound  medita- 
tion. 

SAINT    CHRYSOSTOM  (Bishop   of 
Constantinople,  347  to  407  A.  D.) 

EPIGRAM. 

The  services  of  doctors  are  only  recog- 

their  art,  if  they  themselves  experience  all  varieties 
of  maladies  when  they  are  debilitated  and  valetu- 
dinarian." Montaigne  treats  the  same  subject 
with  his  usual  spirit  and  railing  and  implacable 
sarcasm,  for,  in  his  Essays,  book  III,  chapter 
xiii,  he  remarks:  "They  make  the  same  de- 
scription of  our  diseases  as  the  town  cryer,  when 
he  shouts  out  in  the  public  places  that  such  a 
horse  or  such  a  dog  is  lost,  with  such  a  colored 
hair,  such  a  height,  such  a  length  of  ears  ;  but, 
present  them  with  what  is  lost,  and  they  recognize 
it  not." 


[  nized  by  money ;  it  is  by  prayer  alone  that 
'  the  divine  physicians  of  the  soul  are  recom- 
pensed     {Reflections    on     Saint    Matthew, 
chapter  viii). 

>!<  *  * 

SAINT    PIERRE    CHYSOLOGUE 

(Died  in  402  A.  D.). 

EPIGRAM. 

How  can  a  physician  undertake  to  cure 
j  with  full  knowledge  of  the  cause,  a  disease 
I  from  which  he  has  never  suffered  ?  How 
;  can  those  who  have  not  been  sick  with 
i  the  infirmity  they  are  called  on  to  treat, 
I  pretend  to  reestablish  our  health  ? 

>tC  "^  * 

SAINT  BERNARD  (Celebrated  French 
Abbot,  1091  to  1153  A.  D.). 

EPIGRAM. 

Saint  Bernard  complained  of  the  avarice 
of  physicians  in  his  time  (Bernier,  Essays 
on  Medicine'). 


24 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


KARIvY    IvATTIN    AUTHORS. 


ANCIENT  WRITERS. 


PLAUTUS  (Comic  poet,  184  B.C.;. 

EXTRACTS    FROM    A   COMEDY. 

Act  V,  Scene  i. 

The  Old  Man  :  What  a  violent  attack  ! 
What  frenzy!  Ye  Gods  help  us!  That 
fool,  meantime,  was  so  full  of  good  sense  on 
various  occasions.  Ah !  this  terrible  mal- 
ady that  hath  overpowered  him  so  sud- 
denly !     Go  quickly,  search  a  doctor ! 

[They  depart.- 
Scene  2. 

Menechme  [atone] :  Have  they  left  at 
last?  These  pleasant  gentlemen,  who  wish 
to  make  one  out  mad  by  force,  whereas  I 
am  perfectly  well. 

Scene  3. 

The  Old  Man:  I  have  too  much  kid- 
ney disease  to  sit  down  and  too  many  eye 
afflictions  to  look  around  while  awaiting 
I  he  physician's  return  from  his  sick  calls. 
Ah !  this  doctor  is  usually  a  tiresome  per- 
sonage ;  yet  he  takes  the  trouble  to  finish 
liis  patients!  He  pretends  that  yEsculapius 
and  Apollo  had  the  one  a  broken  arm,  the 
other  a  fractured  leg,  and  that  he  cured 
them.  On  sober  thought,  I  doubt  whether 
it.  is  a  doctor  or  a  thick-skulled,  stupid 
bl  icksmith  I  shall  fetch.  Ah !  there  he 
comes,  walking  on  pins  and  needles. 


Scene  4. 

The  Doctor:  What  disease  did  you  say 
he  has  ?  Repeat  the  words,  old  man,  is  it 
mania  or  a  frenzy  ?  I  desire  to  know.  Was 
he  taken  first  with  a  lethargy  or  with  a 
dropsy  ? 

The  Old  Man :  I  will  lead  you  to  him, 
so  that  you  may  see  all,  and  so  that  you 
may  cure  him. 

The  Doctor:  Nothing  can  be  easier. 
I  shall  cure  him,  I'll  swear  it  on  my  word 
of  honor! 

The  Old  Man :  His  case  will  require 
great  care,  and  you  must  proceed  most 
carefully. 

The  Doctor:  I'll  go  short-winded  six 
hundred  times  a  day  before  I'll  abate  my 
ardour  in  the  care  of  him. 

The  Old  Man  [showing  Menechme  rav- 
ing] :  Here  is  the  patient. 

The  Doctor:  Let  us  now  observe  in 
what  manner  he  deports  himself. 

Scene  5. 
Menechme  [without  apparently  noticing 
their  arrival] :  By  Pollux !  this  day  is  an  un- 
fortunate one!  A  most  unlucky  period  for 
me.  All  I  hoped  to  have  held  secret  is 
discovered  by  that  parasite,  author  of  all 
my  scandal  and  all  my  trouble,  my  per- 
fidious Ulysses,  who  has  caused  his  king 
all  these  chagrins.     If  the  Gods  preserve 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


25 


my  life,  I  will  take  hers  :  when  I  say  her 
life  I  am  speaking  like  a  fool,  for  she  is 
dear  to  me.  It  was  at  my  table  she  was 
nourished,  and  at  a  large  expense.  I  will 
deprive  her  of  existence.  Ah  !  this  courte- 
san was  as  well  conducted  as  the  women 
of  her  kind.  Because  I  asked  her  to  give 
me  back  my  wife's  robe,  she  told  me  she 
had  already  sent  it  her.  Ah  !  by  Pollux,  I 
am  well  ruined! 

The  Old  Man  \to  the  physician\  :  You 
have  heard  what  he  says  ? 

The  Doctor:  He  complains  of  his  mis- 
fortune. 

The  Old  Man :  Go  speak  to  your  pa- 
tient! 

The  Doctor:  Greeting, (')  Menechme. 
Why  do  you  uncover  your  arm?  Do  you 
not  know  it  aggravates  the  malady  ! 

Menechme :   Pah  !  go  hang  yourself ! 

The  Doctor:    Can  you  feel? 

Menechme :     Ye  Gods  !     Yes,  I  do  feel. 

The  Doctor  \to  old  ?nan] :  A  whole  field 
of  hellebore  would  not  suffice  to  cure  him. 
But  tell  me,  Menechme  ? 

Menechme :  What  would  you  have  me 
tell? 

The  Doctor:  Answer  my  questions. 
Do  you  drink  white  wine  or  a  wine  that's 
red  in  color  ? 

Menechme :  Go  hang  yourself !  Go  to 
the  gibbet  or  you  will  decay. 

The  Doctor :  Ah !  he  commences  to 
rave  again. 

Menechme;  Why  not  ask  me  whether  I 
eat  red  bread  or  violet,  or  yellow.  Whe- 
ther I  am  not  nourished  on  birds  with, 
scales  and  feathered  fishes  ? 

The  Old  Man :  Great  Heaven  !  Hear 
his  ravings  and  most  wild  extravagances ! 
Hasten   and    give   him   a   potion,    before 

I  Moliere,  undoubtedly,  was  inspired  by  this 
play ;  and  his  character  Pourceaugnac  was  also  a 
simulator  of  insanity. 


the  fell  disease  doth  permeate  all  his 
being. 

The  Doctor:  Wait  a  littie,  I  wish  to 
question  him  still  further. 

The  Old  Man  :  Further  questioning  ? 
You  will  overpower  me  with  your  loquac- 
ity. 

TJie  Doctor:  Tell  me  if  your  eyes  be- 
come hard  habitually  ? 

Menechme :  Fool !  Do  you  take  me 
for  a  grasshopper  ? 

The  Doctor :  Do  your  guts  ever  rumble 
and  grumble  ? 

Menechme :  When  I  am  well  fed  they 
do  not  cry  aloud.  It  is  when  I'm  hungry 
that  I  grow  most  flatulent. 

The  Doctor:  By  Jupiter  Ammon  !  his 
response  is  not  that  of  a  crazy  man.  Do 
you  sleep  until  daylight?  Can  you  go  to 
sleep  easily  when  you  retire  ? 

Menechme :  I  sleep  when  I  have  paid 
my  debts.  May  Jupiter  and  all  his  Gods 
confound  you,  cursed  questioner  ! 

The  Doctor:  His  madness  recom- 
mences. Do  you  hear  him  talk?  Take 
care  and  have  your  turn. 

The  Old  Man  :  Ah  !  there  are  soft  ex- 
pressions in  comparison  to  what  he  has 
already  said.  He  called  his  wife  a  mad 
slut. 

Menechme  :     I  use  such  language  ? 

The  Old  Man  :     You  are  crazy,  say  I ! 

Menechme  :     I  mad  ? 

The  Old  Man :  Yes,  you  are.  You 
said  to  me  that  you  would  crush  me  under 
a  four-horse  chariot.  That  was  one  of 
your  most  extravagant  expressions.  I  main- 
tain that  you  said  the  same. 

Menechme :  I  know  that  you  stole  the 
sacred  crown  of  Jupiter,  and  for  that  crime 
should  be  cast  into  prison.  You  should 
not  be  allowed  out  of  gaol  save  to  be 
beaten  by  rods  and  handcuffed,  that  I 
know.     I  also  know  that  you  assassinated 


26 


The  jEvil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


your  own  father  and  likewise  sold  your 
mother.  Am  I  present  in  spirit  ?  and,  have 
I  returned  injury  for  injury? 

The  Old  Man  :  I  conjure  you,  physi- 
cian, to  render  your  good  offices  most 
speedily.  Do  you  not  see  the  nature  of 
his  attack? 

The  Doctor :  Do  you  know  what  'tis 
best  to  do?  We  will  carry  him  to  my 
house. 

The  Old  Man  :     Is  that  your  advice  ? 

The  Doctor ;  Yes,  for  I  could  there 
attend  him  at  my  pleasure. 

The  Old  Man :  What  would  you  make 
him  do  ? 

The  Doctor :  I  should  make  him  drink 
of  hellebore  for  twenty  days  at  least. 

Menechme :  And  I  should  hang  you  and 
flog  you  for  thirty  days  at  least. 

The  Doctor  {to  old  man)  :  Go  search  for 
men  to  cany  our  patient. 

The  Old  Man:  How  many  persons  will 
it  need  ? 

The  Doctor:  With  such  wild  dementia, 
four  good  men — no  less. 

The  Old  Man  :  They  will  be  here  im- 
mediately— and  Doctor,  will  you  guard 
our  patient  well  ? 

The  Doctor :  I  am  not  here  to  guard ;  I 
shall  go  to  my  house  in  order  to  prepare 
what  is  necessary.  Tell  your  servants  to 
bring  your  friend  to  me. 

The  Old  Man ;  He  will  soon  be  with 
you. 

The  Doctor;  I  shall  leave  now. 

The  Old  Man :  We  will  meet  again 
{they  separate  and  retire). 

Menechme:  My  father-in-law  has  gone, 
the  physician  has  left — I  am  alone.  Great 
Jupiter!  why  will  these  men  adjudge  me 
insane !  Since  I  was  born  I  have  never 
had  a  day's  sickness.  I  am  not  crazy,  and 
seek  no  quarrel  with  any  one.  I  am  in  my 
right  mind,  and  I  see  others  as  they  are. 


I  recognize  friends  and  speak  to  them. 
Those  who  pretend  I  am  without  my 
reasoning  faculties — have  they  themselves 
not  lost  their  heads  ? 


% 


* 


CICERO  (107  to  43  B.C.). 

CORRESPONDENCE    WITH    TYRON,    HIS 
FREEDMAN. 

I  have  heard,  as  you  have  written  me, 
that  all  have  a  good  opinion  of  your  physi- 
cian y^sclepion ;  meantime,  I  cannot 
approve  his  methods,  but  have  taken  care 
that  he  shall  know  my  opinion  of  this 
point. 

I  have  written  Cassius  to  give  you 
money,  of  which  you  undoubtedly  have 
need ;  I  believe  it  best  to  give  some  of  it 
to  your  physician,  in  order  to  make  him  more 
careful  in  his  treatment. 

ORATIONS. 

SPEECH    AGAINST    VERRES. 

When  two  citizens  had  a  trial  Verres 
gave  them  for  judges,  following  his  whim- 
sical caprice,  the  town  cryer,  an  aurispice 
and  his  physician,  Cornelius.  (^)     What  are 

I  "  We  learn,"  says  Dr.  Meniere,  in  his 
"  Medico-legal  Study  on  Cicero,"  "  that  Corne- 
lius was  from  Perga,  in  Pamphylia,  and  had 
borne  the  name  of  Artemidorus ;  and  that  he 
aided  Verres,  at  that  time  Praetor  of  the  Province, 
to  pillage  the  Temple  of  Diana.  He  was  most 
certainly  an  abominable  character,  and  we  fully 
agree  in  the  judgement  rendered  against  him. 
Cicero  cited  a  large  number  of  his  victims ;  some 
had  been  beaten  with  rods,  others  hung  to  trees, 
always  following  verdicts  rendered  by  the  doctor 
and  town  cryer.  Here  is  a  passage  that  aroused 
the  indignation  of  the  prosecutor.  The  deputies] 
of  Agyrium  were  accused  of  having  violated  an] 
edict  of  Verres ;  they  were  betrayed  before  aj 
tribunal  consisting  of  Cornelius,  the  Praetor's  phy- 
sician, the  deputy  Valerius,  the  painter  Tipoleme 
and  other  parties  of  similar  reputation.     *  Note,* 


TJie  Evil  that  has 


said  of  Docto7'S. 


27 


these  men  ?  Here  is  a  pack  of  famished 
hounds  prowling  around  me,  or,  rather, 
these  are  the  curs  you  notice  licking  the 
Tribunal  of  Justice. 

SPEECH    IN    FAVOR    OF    CLUENTIUS 
AVITUS. 

Dinea  finding  herself  indisj^osed,  her 
son-in-law,  Oppianicus,  '*  brought  in  his 
doctor,  who  had  freed  the  victorious  minis- 
ter of  many  obnoxious  people.  The 
woman  cried  that  she  did  not  desire  the 
care  of  this  physician  who  had  caused  her 
to  suffer  the  loss  of  an  entire  family." 

The  unfortunate  mother-in-law  could 
not  escape  the  danger  that  threatened  her, 
however,  for  Oppianicus  employed  a 
traveling  empiric  named  Clodius,  who,  for 
the  sum  of  four  hundred  sesterces,  under- 
took to  treat  the  case.  "He  was  intro- 
duced to  the  patient,  and  gave  her  a 
draught  of  medicine,  and,  very  soon,  she 
died"     {Meniere,  ''^  Ciceronian   Medicine  ^^). 

Shortly  after,  the  physician  Straton, 
violated  and  murdered  Sassia ;  he  likewise 
assassinated  two  slaves  guarding  the  treas- 
ure ;  but  the  crime  was  discovered,  and  the 
culprit  was  crucified  after  having  had  his 
tongue  cut  out. 

SPEECH    AGAINST    VATINIUS. 

Pison,  Governor  of  Macedonia,  not 
being  able  to  extort  a  sum  of  money  from 
a  deputy  named  Plator,  threw  the  unfor- 
tunate man  into  prison,  and  sent  a  physician 
to  open  his  veins.  This  murder  being 
done   with   the  most   atrocious   barbarity. 


said  Cicero,  '  there  was  not  among  the  number  a 
single  Roman  citizen  ;  it  was  a  vile  rabble  of 
sacrilegious  Greeks,  famous  a  long  time  for  their 
crimes,'  It  is  difficult  to  perfectly  brand  a  man 
of  such  an  atrocious  stamp  ;  and,  to  Cicero,  Cor- 
nelius was  synonymous  with  rascal  and  miserable 
scoundrel." 


Cicero  exclaimed:  "Eh!  where  are  the 
executioners,  when  doctors  are  employed 
not  to  cure,  but  to  kill?"  {Meniere,  ^^Ciceron- 
ian Medicine  "). 

*  .fc  * 

SULPICIUS     SERVIUS      RUFUS 

(Early  Latin  author). 

TO    CICERO. 

Imitate  not  those  bad  physicians,  who, 
in  caring  for  others,  boast  of  possessing  all 
medical  science,  and  cannot  even  cure 
themselves. 

SENECA  (Preceptor   to   Nero,  ist  cen- 
tury A.  D.). 

EPIGRAMS. 

Avoid  the  council  of  doctors;  with  as 
much  ignorance  as  zeal,  they  will  murder 
you  in  the  most  obliging  manner  in  the 
world. 

Nothing  is  more  discreditable  to  a  phy- 
sician than  to  pry  too  closely  into  the  work 
of  his  medicine. 


PUBLIUS  SYRUS  (ist century  B.  C). 

SENTENCES. 

Male  babebit  medicus,  nemo  si  male  babue- 


rit. 


IMITATION. 


The  exit  of  a  doctor  is  often  viewed  most  sadly, 
The  patient,  feeleth  better,  the  physician  feeleth 
badly. 

Medicorum  nutrix  est  intemperantia. 

IMITATION. 

T'is  our  intemperances  and  habits,  all  health  spoil. 

ing, 
That  for  physicians  keep  the  pot  a'boiling. 


28 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


Crudeiem  medicum  intemperans  agerfacit. 

IMITATION. 

If  we  wish  to  be  sensible  and  live  on  half  diet, 
The  doctor  is  furious  and  cannot  keep  quiet. 

Male  secum  agit  ceger^  medicum  qui  here- 
dem  facit. 

IMITATION. 

A  patient  has  not  sense,  nor  e'en  of  spirit. 
When  he  informs  the  doctor,  he'll  inherit, 

IMITATION    SECOND. 

This  good  old,  man  tormented  by  the  colic, 
In  the  near  future  doth  his  t  nd  forsee  ; 
His  doctor  is  an  ^sclaupian  melancholic. 
Whom  he  hath  named  residuary  legatee. (*) 
— Version  of  Poan,  Saint  Simon. 

*  *  * 

PLINIUS   SECUNDUS  (Philosopher, 
23  to  79  A.  D.). 

NATURAL    HISTORY. 

Criticism  on  the  employment  of  medicines, 
compounds,  and  exotics. 

BOOK   XIII. 

It  is  true  that  physicians  pretend  that 
we  fail  to  have  remedies  in  many  cases, 
and  with  this  excuse  they  cover  up  the  use 
they  make  of  injurious  drugs.  They  even 
have  the  impudence  to  contend  that  medi- 
cine should  not  be  classed  with  the  pois- 
ons. 

BOOK   XXII. 

Nature,  that  good  mother  and  Divine 
worker,  never  made  cerates,  plasters,  anti- 
dotes or  collyriums.  These  are  the  in- 
ventions of  the  doctors,  or  rather,  their 
methods  for  gain. 


I  This  reproach  is  impossible  at  the  present 
day  in  France,  at  least,  inasmuch  as  the  Code 
Napoleon,  annuls  legacies  made  to  physicians  by 
their  patients. 


BOOK  XXIV. 

The  Materia  Medicas  are  innumerable ; 
this  is  the  necessary  outcome  of  physic. 
Nature  can  only  create  proper  remedies, 
easy  to  find,  that  may  be  procured  without 
expense,  and  which  in  need,  we  use  for 
nourishment.  It  is  rank  fraud  and  charla- 
tanism that  has  invented  the  laboratory 
where  they  promise  to  restore  life  for  the 
price  of  money;  it  is  there  that  compositions 
and  mixtures  are  first  recognized  when  intro- 
duced; it  is  therein  that  they  boast  of 
remedies  brought  at  great  expense  from 
Arabia  and  India.  They  will  tell  you  that 
the  Red  Sea  produces  the  only  agent 
against  a  carbuncle,  whereas,  we  see  our 
poor  people  cure  themselves  with  the  con- 
diments on  which  they  are  fed.  But 
would  not  medicine  be  considered  a  vile 
art  were  each  one  to  gather  herbs  and 
shrubs  in  his  own  garden  to  serve  for 
medical  specifics?  It  is  from  this,  that 
Roman  grandeur  has  lost  its  antique 
severity;  the  victors  have  been  subdued 
by  the  vanquished  ;  the  Roman  obeys  the 
barbarians;  and,  it  is  an  art  which  is  em- 
ployed on  our  empire,  and  our  emperors 
themselves. 

BOOK   XXXIV. 

But  of  all  these  distinctions,  physicians 
(it  may  be  said  of  them  without  doing  in- 
jury) know  nothing;  the  majority,  indeed, 
know  not  even  the  names  of  diseases,  and 
are  far  from  the  art  of  medication— an  art, 
meantime,  that  is  the  very  basis  of  the  pro- 
fession. At  present,  then,  every  time  they 
read  a  dispensary  they  find  therein  some 
recipe  that  they  judge  fit  to  use  on  the 
first  victim  of  their  speculations ;  they  rest 
faith  entirely  on  the  composition  of  this 
drug,  as  do  those  upon  whom  they  practice 
their  deceitful  art,  which  is  only  a  fraud 
and  perpetual  sophistication.     What  do  I 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


29 


say  ?  I  repeat,  that  we  see  at  the  present 
day  physicians  who  are  not  ashamed  to 
sell  and  trade,  on  their  sick  visits,  the 
plasters  and  collyriums  of  fraud.  This 
abuse  is  carried  to  such  a  point  that  the 
druggists  have  no  better  work  than  to 
purge  their  shops  of  all  the  spoiled  and 
adulterated  drugs  standing  rancid  on  their 
shelves. 

How   the    Physician    Asckpiada    Discredited 
Ancient  Medicine. 

BOOK    XXVI. 

Meantime  ancient  methods  are  main- 
tained in  all  their  vigor  and  have  to  favor 
them  the  great  witnesses  of  the  past,  since  in 
the  time  of  Pompey  the  orator  Asclepiades, 
who  could  not  draw  as  much  profit  from 
his  rhetoric  as  he  desired,  showed  his 
sagacity  of  spirit  by  turning  from  declama- 
tion on  the  rostrum  and  suddenly  becom- 
ing a  physician.  The  only  defense  he  had 
for  a  man  who  had  never  practiced  the 
healing  art  and  knew  nothing  of  remedies, 
a  knowledge  only  to  be  obtained  by  prac- 
tice with  the  eyes  and  usage,  was  that  he 
renounced  all  the  accepted  theories  of 
medicine.  (')  He  talked  eloquently  to 
flatter  his  patients,  and  never  used  speech 
without  due  preparation ;  he  claimed  to  in- 


I  "  Asclepiades,"  says  Galen,  "let  no  ancient 
dogma  pass  without  repeating  it,  and  spared  no 
physician  who  had  preceded  him,  not  even  Hip- 
pocrates ;  and  he  was  so  bold  as  to  call  ancient 
medicine  'a  meditation  on  death,'  because,  for- 
sooth, there  once  existed  a  system  of  expectant 
medicine." 

He  did  not  even  respect  his  contemporaries. 
"When,"  says  Caesar  Aurelianus,  "they  called 
Asclepiades  to  see  a  patient  who  had  been  under 
another  physician's  care,  he  affected  to  reject  all 
the  remedies  used  by  his  fellow-practitioner,  and 
approved  all  those  agents  that  had  been  pro- 
nounced injurious  by  others,  as  being  useful  when 
he  prescribed  them. 


vestigate  the  causes  of  each  disease  and 
thus  render  all  conjectural.  His  practice 
revolved  upon  five  principal  methods  of 
cure,  i.e.,  abstinence  from  food,  sometimes 
from  wine,  frequent  friction  of  the  body, 
exercise  on  foot,  or  horseback  riding. 
Now,  as  such  treatment  was  within  easy 
reach  of  everyone  in  those  days,  all  the 
world  became  interested  in  the  success  of 
his  remedies(^)  that  were  so  easy  and 
simple.  The  eyes  of  the  human  race  were 
fixed  on  this  great  physician,  and  he  was 
regarded  as  an  angel  sent  from  Heaven. 

Irony  upon  the  Death  of  Asclepiades. 

BOOK    VII. 

The  physician  Asclepiades  was  crowned 
with  honors,  for  the  reason  that  he  estab- 
lished a  new  medical  sect,  threw  contempt 
on  the  ambassadors  and  promises  made  by 
King  Mithridates,  cured  all  diseases  by  the 
use  of  plenty  of  wine,  saved  the  life  of  a 
man  who  had  been  entombed  alive,  but, 
above  all,  by  the  contract  he  entered 
into  with  Dame  Fortune,  inasmuch  as  he 
consented  to  his  own  dishonor  by  dis- 
gracing his  profession.  He  wagered  that 
he  would  never  be  sick  and  won,  as  he 
died  at  an  extreme  old  age  from  falling 
down  his  own  stairs. 

Of  the  Uncertainty  and  Variations  of  Medical 
Doctrines. 

BOOK    XXIX. 

We  cannot  see,  without  astonishment 
and  some  indignation,  that  no  art  is  less 

I  This  recalls  the  memory  of  Archagatus,  who 
incurred  the  enmity  of  the  Romans  by  his  too 
frequent  use  of  iron  and  fire  in  his  surgical  prac- 
tice. He  was  a  man  who  opposed  all  his  con- 
temporaries by  inaugurating  a  totally  different 
practice ;  he  would  not  use  emetics  or  purgatives, 
claiming  such  remedies  injured  the  stomach.  He 
said  the  duty  of  a  physician   was  "  to  cure  in  a 


30 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


constant(^)  and  at  the  same  time  subject  to 
more  variation  than  medicine,  although 
the  most  lucrative  profession  of  all 

The  same  age  as  that  in  which  Nero 
lived  saw  medicine  pass  under  the  laws  of 
Thessalus,  who  obliterated  all  the  ancient 
precepts  of  the  healing  art  and  was  the  im- 
placable foe  of  medicine,  declaiming  with 
fury  against  all  doctors  who  had  practiced 
their  profession  up  to  that  epoch.  A  single 
instance  will  suffice  to  let  us  judge  of  the 
wisdom  and  character  of  this  man.  He 
insolently  proclaimed  for  himself  the  title 
of  "latronice,"  and  had  this  inscription 
placed  as  an  epitaph  on  his  tomb  in  the 
Appian  Road.  When  he  went  out  in  pub- 
lic he  had  a  more  numerous  escort  than 
any  pantomime  company  or  circus  leader. 
Meantime,  Crinas,  of  Marseilles,  who 
combined  medicine  with  the  science  of 
mathematics,  made  a  great  reputation  for 
prudence  and  religion  at  the  same  time. 
He  made  his  patients  take  food  only  at 
certain  hours  and  under  certain  conditions, 
that  were  always  regulated  by  the  almanac, 
and  by  this  method  acquired  more  author- 
ity than  even  Thessalus,  and  left,  on  dying, 
what  in  our  days  would  amount  to  one 
hundred  times  five  thousand  sesterces 
(about  two  hundred  thousand  dollars  ot 
our  money)  for  the  construction  of  a  wall 
around  his  native  city;  and,  besides,  gave 
about  as  much  more  for  building  defenses 
for  other  towns.  These  two  doctors,  Thes- 
salus and  Crinas,  ruled  over  the  medical 
lives  of  men  until  Charmis  suddenly  seized 

prompt,  sure,  and  agreeable  manner  "  {ttito  celeri- 
ter  etjticundc)  ;  which  led  the  witty  Guy  Patin  to 
observe,  after  repeating  these  words :  "He  sent 
them  to  the  other  world  surely  and  proviptly. 
What  a  difference  between  doctors  !  " 

I  The  *'  Dictiaques"  of  Denis  Egee,  to  which 
Photius  refers  in  one  of  his  works,  contained  one 
hundred  chapters  on  the  Materia  Medica. 


the  medical  scepter  of  Rome,  and  con- 
demned all  his  medical  predecessors  by 
proscribing  absolutely  the  use  of  hot  baths. 
In  the  end  he  established  cold-water  bath- 
ing ;  even  in  the  coldest  of  winter  weather 
he  plunged  his  patients  under  the  ice,  and 
old  Consuls  were  noted  freezing  themselves 
in  order  to  be  in  the  medical  fashion ;  we 
have  Seneca's  authority  for  this  statement. 
Medical  fashion  then,  as  now,  was  the 
rage,  and  any  new  doctor's  novelty  was  the 
envy  of  other  doctors  and  a  traffic  in 
human  life.  Regarding  unfortunate  contro- 
versies and  contrary  opinions  around  the 
bedsides  of  patients,  where  consulting  phy- 
sicians failed  to  agree  one  with  the  other, 
we  cannot  hazard  an  opinion  nor  take 
sides.  We  remember  that  sad  inscription 
on  a  tomb  where  it  is  said  of  the  dead, 
''A  great  number  of  doctors  caused  him 
to  perish. "(') 

Every  day  medical  art  is  inconstant 
and  subject  to  so  many  variations  and 
changes,  that  we  are  moved  like  the  billows 
on  the  ocean  by  the  winds  of  the  charla- 
tans from  Greece ;  for  it  is  evident  that 
those  among  them  that  have  the  talent 
to  discourse f)  become  absolute  arbiters  of 

1  He  alludes  to  the  Emperor  Hadrian;  like 
Moliere,  he  was  phthisical,  and,  like  him,  de- 
clared that  the  doctors  were  powerless  to  cure 
him.  This  phrase  is  an  old  Greek  proverb,  met 
for  the  first  time  in  the  fragments  left  by  the  poet 
Menander.     Refer  to  previous  foot-note. 

2  A  rude  jester  has  defined  medicine  as  "  the 
art  of  bragging  well  and  gilding  pills."  The  same 
as  an  ancient  proverb  says  :  "  It  is  a  shame  for  a 
doctor  not  to  be  able  to  give  reasons,  as  for  a 
lawyer  not  to  know  the  laws."  A  similar  thought 
is  attributed  to  Moliere  by  some  scoffers,  but 
Maurice  Raynaud  wrongly  places  it  in  the  '*  Fes- 
tin  de  Pierre,"  when  he  notes  that  "  a  doctor  is  a 
man  whom  we  pay  for  counting  the  fariboles  in 
a  patient's  chamber  up  to  the  point  where 
nature  may  have  cured  or  the  remedies  may  have 
killed. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


31 


our  lives — or  deaths — as  though  there  were 
not  thousands  of  people (^)  who  lived  with- 
out doctors,  if  not  without  medicines — as, 
for  instance,  the  Romans,  who  existed 
more  than  six  hundred  years,  (')  although 
not  slow  at  accepting  useful  arts,  and  had 
once  embraced  the  healing  profession  with 
avidity,  up  to  the  time  that  many  sad 
experiences  had  led  them  to  condemn  its 
fraudulent  pretensions. 

It  is  here  that  we  may  retrace  all  that 
is  most  remarkable  on  this  subject  occur- 
ring among  our  forefathers.  Cassius  Her- 
minius,  one  of  our  ancient  authors,  reports 
that  the  first  physician  who  appeared  at 
Rome  was  Archagatus,  son  of  Lysinias, 
who  came  from  Peloponessus  to  that  place 
under  the  consulships  of  Lucius  yEnnilius 
and  Marcus  Livius,  in  the  year  535,  and 
was  accorded  the  right  of  a  patrician  ;  and 
that  there  was  purchased  for  him,  from  the 
public  moneys,  a  shop  on  the  street  known 
as  Acilius ;  that  this  physician  was  named 
physician  for  wounds,  or  vulnerary^  because 
he  followed  that  rather  as  a  specialty;  that 

1  Herodotus  cites  the  Babylonians  and  Strabo 
mentions  the  Bastelians  of  S' ain  who  were  thus 
situated  Homer  tells  us  that  every  Egyptian 
was  a  doctor.  Among  the  Assyrians  and  Mace- 
donians the  patients  were  exposed  to  the  public 
gaze,  and  every  passer-by  was  invited  to  give 
counsel;  even  at  the  present  day  every  man  thinks 
he  knows  all  about  medicine.  Other,  races  have 
expressed  the  greatest  respect  for  the  disciples  of 
^sculapius  ;  among  the  Locrians,  for  example,  a 
law  of  Zeleucus  condemned  any  patient  to  death 
who  drank  wine  \\ithout  the  authorization  of  his 
physician,  even  although  he  be  not  damaged  by 
the  stimulant. 

2  Pliny  probably  intended  to  speak  of  foreign 
physicians,  for,  according  to  Dion  of  Halicarnas- 
sus,  during  the  plague  that  attacked  Rome  in  the 
three  hundred  and  first  year  of  its  foundation,  or 
more  than  two  hundred  years  before  the  epoch 
indicated  by  Pliny,  there  were  not  physicians 
enough  to  attend  to  all  the  sick. 


his  arrival  gave  great  public  gratification  ; 
but  that  his  cruelty  with  the  actual  cautery 
on  the  human  body  soon  led  the  people  to 
proclaim  him  an  executioner,  and  afterwards 
to  detest  the  art  of  all  physicians.  It  was 
this  that  rendered  Cato  so  sensitive, — he 
who  held  such  authority  in  contempt,  re- 
specting neither  the  censure  that  it  exer- 
cised nor  the  triumph  it  obtained,  because 
he  had  much  more  solid  foundations  of 
knowledge  in  himself.  We  quote  his 
words : 

*'  I  shall  speak  to  you,  Marcus,  my  son, 
of  these  Greeks  in  good  time  and  place. 
I  indicated  to  you  what  I  have  found  ex- 
cellent in  Athens,  and  desire  you  to  under- 
stand that  it  is  well  to  know  a  smattering 
of  their  belle  lettres,  but  not  to  study  them 
profoundly.  They  are  an  undisciplined 
race,  and  a  very,  very  wicked  people ! 
These  are  the  words  of  an  inspired  man, 
who  thus  speaks  knowingly  of  them. 
Every  time  this  Greek  nation  sends  us  its 
wisdom  it  spreads  corruption  in  our  very 
midst,  this  being  especially  the  case  when 
it  sends  us  its  physicians.  They  have 
sworn,  among  themselves,  to  kill  off  all 
those  whom  they  call  Barbarians,  f )  They 
make  medicine  a  mercenary  pursuit  in 
order  to  gain  our  confidence  the  more 
readily,  and  lose  our  lives  more  easily. 
They  consider  and  treat  us  as  barbarians, 
and  this  qualification  is  a  grave  and  more 
atrocious  injury  to  us  than  to  other  races 
that  are  uncultured  and  rude.  I  forbid  you 
from  having  any  intercourse  with  their 
wicked  physicians." 

I  Cato  founded  this  reproach  on  the  fact  that 
Hippocrates  refused  to  render  medical  assistance 
to  Artaxerxes,  because  "  he  cured  not  the  Bar- 
barians, who  are  enemies  to  Greece." 


32 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors.' 


Portraits   of    Greek    Doctors   Practicing  at 
Rome. 

BOOK    XIX. 

The  physician  is  the  only  artisan  whose 
word  is  implicitly  relied  on,  for  we  always 
believe  what  the  doctor  tells  us,  although 
it  is  an  art  where  imposture  begets  the 
most  serious  consequences.  We  think  not 
for  ourselves  so  much  to  recover  our  health 
as  to  be  charmed  and  deluded.  We  have 
no  laws  to  punish  the  ignorance  that  causes 
deaths  among  our  people — no  examples  of 
public  prosecution  against  a  medical  man's 
testimony.  The  physician  instructs  him- 
self at  our  expense,  he  experiments  and 
presents  us  to  death;  it  is  only  doctors 
who  can  kill  a  man  with  impunity.  That's 
what  I  say  !  It  is  the  doctor  who  accuses 
instead  of  being  accused;  he  claims  the 
result  of  failure  in  treatment  to  be  due 
to  the  previous  intemperance  of  the  pa- 
tient; the  patient  alone  is  responsible  for 
dying. 

What  profession  has  poisoned  more 
people  and  captured  more  heritages?  What 
profession  has  carried  on  more  adulteries 
even  within  the  very  gates  of  the  Caesars  ?{^) 

Need  I  speak  of  medical  avariciousness 
and  the  onerous  conditions  they  add  to  our 
agonies,  of  the  retaining  fees  they  demand 
to  save  us  from  death,  of  the  secret  reme- 
dies they  sell  us  at  such  exorbitant  prices? 

If  they  treat,  for  example,  a  cataract, 
they  prefer  to  remove  but  a  portion  in 
place  of  extirpating  the  whole,  in  order  to 
again  operate  thereon  when  the  disease  re- 
turns. From  all  this  professional  brigand- 
age some  good  seems  to  have  been  derived 


I  Pliny,  without  doubt,  alludes  to  Eudemius, 
physician  to  Livia,  wife  of  Drusus,  and  to  Valeus 
Vectius,  physician  to  Messalinus,  husband  of 
Claudia.  See  further  notes  in  **  Annals "  of 
Tacitus. 


in  the  end  by  the  public,  due  to  the  multi- 
tude of  these  assassins,  for  at  least  what 
modesty  would  never  have  enabled  us  to 
obtain.  Competition  has  diminished  the 
price  of  their  remedies  and  medical  ser- 
vices. But  all  these  facts  may  be  personal, 
and  perhaps  we  should  not  impute  to  the 
art  the  ignorance  and  baseness  of  that  vile 
crowd  of  charlatans  who  practice  it,  nor 
the  enormous  abuse  that  they  make  of 
remedies  in  treating  the  sick,  nor  the  hot 
baths  in  which  the  sick  parade  to  obtain 
health,  nor  that  merciless  diet  that  is 
ordered  with  so  much  authority  for  those 
who  are  perfectly  healthy,  and  those  foods 
poured  down  the  throats  of  the  dying 
several  times  each  day.  They  use  a  thou- 
sand methods  to  repair  the  injuries  they 
themselves  do,  and  return  then  in  their 
own  footsteps.  They  launch  out  new  sys- 
tems of  diet  and  for  the  government  of  the 
kitchen;  they  use  perfumes  to  flatter  the 
sick  with  the  attractions  of  life.  I  cer- 
tainly think  our  ancestors  did  not  all  taste 
nor  use  the  high-priced  drugs  imported 
from  abroad,  and  this  Cato,  in  condemn- 
ing the  healing  art,  has  not  apparently 
foreseen. 

Shall  I  speak  of  that  theriacum,  com- 
pounded for  the  rich,  that  antidote  of 
Mithridates,  a  confused  admixture  of  fifty- 
four  drugs,  each  of  a  different  weight,  and 
some  in  infinitesimal  quantity  ?  It  was  in 
order  to  secure  a  higher  price  for  their 
remedies  that  they  so  ostentatiously  pub- 
lished their  prodigious  science — a  science 
of  which  they  were  ignorant  even  in  the 
primary  elements.  I  have  acquired  the 
conviction  that  in  their  formulae  they  use 
the  name  of  a  substance  for  that  of  a  con- 
trary substance.  That  is  what  Cato  fore- 
saw in  his  rage,  and  it  was  that  which 
made  the  Senate  proscribe  so  insidious  a 
profession   for   the   space  of  six  hundred 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


33 


years,  which  served  to  convert  even  honest 
doctors  into  charlatans.  The  Senate  thus 
combatted  in  advance  the  hallucinations  of 
diseased  minds  that  think  that  nothing  is 
more  salutary  than  the  medicine  that  costs 
the  highest  price.  The  ancients  never  con- 
demned the  remedies  in  themselves,  but 
the  artists  who  administered  them.  They 
did  not  desire  that  the  life  of  men  should 
be  put  at  such  a  high  value  that  doctors 
carried  off  their  estates.  It  is  pretended 
even  that  when  the  sect  of  ^sculapius 
were  admitted  to  Rome,(^)  they  built  a 
temple  to  him  outside  the  city,  afterwards 
on  an  island;  and  that,  when  driven  out  of 
Italy,  the  Greeks,  long  after  the  time  of 
Cato,  especially  the  physicians,  were  pro- 
scribed. 

My  object  in  making  these  remarks  is 
only  to  repeat  the  work  of  our  forefathers 
by  putting  my  fellow  citizens  in  a  condi- 
tion to  pass  by  the  doctor.  C^) 

*         *         * 


1  In  the  year  350  of  the  foundation  of  Rome, 
ten  deputies,  on  the  advice  of  the  Oracle,  went  in 
search  of  ^sculapius  to  Epidaurus  in  order  to  de- 
liver their  city  from  the  plague.  They  returned 
with  a  serpent  that  had  crawled  down  from  the 
God's  statue  ;  but  on  the  journey  back  the  snake 
escaped  from  the  ship,  went  back  to  the  Tiber, 
and  curled  up  on  an  island  in  that  river.  This 
was  the  place  the  deputies  chose  whereon  to  erect 
a  temple  to  the  God  of  Medicine,  and  the  plague 
soon  ceased.      That  is  the  legend  at  least. 

Pliny  insinuates  that  the  Romans  constructed 
this  temple  outside  the  city  from  fear  of  the  doc- 
tors ;  but  the  view  of  Plutarch  is  more  natural. 
This  author  says  that  the  Temple  of  ^Esculapius 
was,  as  at  Epidaurus,  placed  in  the  country  in 
order  to  give  the  patients  visiting  the  spot  a 
chance  to  sleep  in  a  purer  air  than  that  found  in 
cities.  As  to  the  choice  of  an  island  for  the  con- 
struction of  the  Temple,  Festus  explains  by  re- 
marking that  the  neighborhood  of  water  was  re- 
garded as  having  a  beneficial  effect  on  the  sick. 

2  It  would  be  ridiculous  to  give  the  innumer- 
able recipes  that  this  bitter-spirited  critic  of  doc- 


PLINIUS   VALERIANUSO    (Early 
writer.) 

On  Medicine. 

PREFACE. 

During  my  travels  it  has  often  hap- 
pened that  sickness  has  either  attacked  one 
or  more  of  my  servants,  and  thus  led  me 
to  recognize  the  poor  practice  of  physi- 
cians. Some  of  these  doctors  sold  me 
cheap  remedies  at  enormously  high  prices; 
others,  through  cupidity,  charged  for 
treating  a  disease  of  which  they  knew 
nothing.  Certain  ones  practiced  another 
variety  of  stealing;  indispositions  they 
could  have  cured  in  a  few  hours  or  days, 
they  treated  for  weeks,  Q  so  that  the  pa- 
tients became  a  regular  source  of  revenue 
and  the  doctor  more  to  be  dreaded  than 
the  malady.  It  has  often  seemed  necessary 
to  collect  a  number  of  recipes  and  arrange 
a  list,  to  the  end  of  avoiding  snares  of  this 
kind,  and  thus  be  able  to  miss,  while  on 
my  travels,  with  some  degree  of  assurance, 
the  attendance,  during  indisposition,  of 
those  doctors  who  seek  to  draw  a  revenue 


tors  wished  to  substitute  for  the  formulae  of  those 
physicians,  he  abused  so  unceasingly.  It  is  a 
medley  of  absurdities,  of  old  women's  remedies, 
in  which  superstition  and  magic  are  equally  com- 
bined, for  be  it  said  to  Pliny's  reproach,  that 
precisely  what  he  blamed  medical  men  for  is 
found  to  be  exaggerated  in  himself.  He  accepted 
the  most  silly  and  fanciful  stories  as  true,  and 
confided  in  the  most  fabulous  observations  with- 
out verification,  and  often  without  understanding 
what  he  discussed. 

1  This  name  is,  doubtless,  the  pseudonym  of 
an  author  who,  under  the  title  of  "  Re  Medica," 
arranged  the  remedies  indicated  by  Pliny  the 
Elder  in  his  work  consecrated  to  medicine. 

2  This  is  a  common  error  and  prejudice  among 
people  of  the  present  day,  who  ignorantly  place 
Regular  medicine  on  the  same  level  with  charla- 
tanism. 


34 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


from  my  person  and  profit  on  occasions  of 
sickness  to  enrich  themselves. 

*  *  * 

QUINTILIAN  (Celebrated  rhetorician, 
42  to  120  A.D.). 

Declamations. 

THE    SICK   TWINS — PLOT. 

A  pair  of  twin  brothers  fall  sick.  Phy- 
sicians, being  consulted,  declare  that  they 
suffer  from  the  same  malady ;  and,  as  life 
is  in  despair,  they  promise,  if  allowed  to 
open  one  of  the  infants,  to  cure  the  other 
sick  one  after  studying  the  vivisected  babe's 
entrails.  With  the  consent  of  the  father, 
one  of  the  twins  is  cut  open  and  the  other, 
according  to  medical  promise,  is  cured. 
The  moiher  accuses  the  father  of  having 
cruelly  treated  the  dead  child. 

The  Mother  against  the  Father.  —  Now, 
she  could  not  resist  his  displeasure ;  she 
was  inconsolable  that  a  son  was  lost  who 
might  have  been  saved.  She  would  not  be 
convinced  that  his  malady  was  mortal, 
although  they  might  be  able  to  discover 
within  him  the  means  of  restoring  health  to 
his  brother.  There  was  reason  in  not 
accusing  the  old  man  of  cruelty  for  his 
child's  murder,  if  the  point  was  made  that 
one  was  saved,  whereas  two  might  have 
otherwise  been  slain  ;  yet  a  father  who 
kills  his  son  may  be  said  to  have  lost  him, 
although  he  might  claim  consolation  from 
the  f 'Ct  that  he  had  saved  one  out  of  two 
of  his  children.  But  a  mother's  reasoning 
is  different.  She  had  no  faith  in  the 
promises  of  the  doctors,  and  would  never 
have  consented  to  such  a  cruel  operation. 
The  fathrr  must  seem  criminal  to  all  had 
he  slain  both  his  boys,  in  place  of  allowing 
the  doctors  to  select  their  victim,  the  which 
only  by  chance  saved  the  other. 

What   difference   that    the    physicians 


agreed   that   one   child   must   die  for  the 
other,  when  it  was  the  same  disease  ? 

The  event  demonstrated  that  they  were 
deceived,  etc.,  etc.(^) 

EPIGRAMS. 

Medicine  does  nothing  but  flatter  us 
with  vain  hopes;  whether  it  abandons  us 
to  fate  or  whether  it  assists  us,  is  an  indif- 
ferent matter.  The  first  created  of  man- 
kind were  healthy  and  robust,  and  never 
called  in  the  aid  of  the  doctor. 

It  is  not  medicine  that  cures,  but  every- 
thing that  cures  is  called  a  medicine.  Is 
it  not  remarkable  that  the  art  which  it  is 
said  was  invented  for  the  conservation  of 
life  insolently  attributes  to  itself  the  power 
of  foreseeing  the  future  when  it  announces 
our  deaths  ? 

There  is  nothing  more  important  to 
mankind  than  to  build  up  a  hope  for  life. 
This  is  the  reason  we  seek  to  delay  our 
own  funerals. 

*  *  * 

JUVENAL    (Satirical    poet,  42    to    125 
A.D.). 

SATIRE. 

Prgeterea  minimus,  gelido   jam   in  corpora,  san- 
guis 
Febre  calet  sola  ;   circumsilit  agmine  facto 
Morborum    omne   genus.        Quorum    si   nomina 

quaeris, 
Promptius     expediam     quot      amaverit      Hippia 

maechos, 
Quot  Themison  aegros  autumno  occiderit  un®, 
Quot  Basilus  socios  quot  circumscripserit  Hirrus 
Pupillos,  quot  longa  viros  exsorbeat  uno 
ATaura  die,  quot  discipulos  inclinet  Hamillus. 

I  This  declamation  is  too  long  for  insertion  in 
a  selection  of  brief  extracts.  It  may  be  found  in 
full  in  "Le  Mai  qu'on  a  dit  des  Medecins,"  where 
Dr.  Witkowski  has  adapted  to  the  modern 
French  the  translation  of  Du  Teil,  made  in  the 
year  1658. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


35 


PROSE    IMITATION. 

The  fever  alone  gives  some  heat  to  the 
rest  of  the  blood  that  circulates  in  his 
frozen  veins.  All  maladies  assail  him  in  a 
crowd.  Were  it  necessary  to  give  the  list, 
I  would  as  soon  count  the  lovers  of  Hippia, 
or  enumerate  the  patients  despatched  by 
Themison(')  in  a  single  autumn,  or  the 
allies  despoiled  by  Basilus,  etc.,  etc. 


MARTIAL    (Satirical   poet,    43  to    104 
A.D.). 

AGAINST    DOCTOR    DIAULUS  ^ 

Chirurgus  fuerat,  nunc  est  Vespillo  Diau- 
lus  ;  ccepit  quo  poterat,  clinicus  esse  tnodo. 

IMITATION. 

Diaulus    a    surgeon    is,    and    also    a    digger    of 

graves  ; 
In  the  latter   trade  he's  useful,    not  many  lives  he 

saves. 

IMITATION. 

Roch,  jadis   Medecin,  aujourd'hui  fossoyeur, 
Maintenant  etend  dans  la  biere 
Tous  ceux  qu'il  etendait  sur  un  lit  de  douleur ; 
C'est   bien    la,    jusqu'    au    bout,  poursuivre    son 
affaire. 

— Arrangement  of  C.  Dubois. 

AGAINST   DIAULUS. 

Nuper  erat  medicus,  nunc  est  Vespillo  Diaulus 
Quod  vespillo  facit,  fecerat  et  medicus. 


1  Themison,  of  Laodicea,  lived  in  the  times  of 
Pompey,  and  founded  the  sect  known  as  Metho- 
dists— in  medicine.  Says  Juvenal  in  his  loth 
satire  : 

"  How  many  sick  in  one  short  autumn  fell, 
Let  Themison,  their  ruthless  slayer,  tell." 

2  The  point  of  this  epigram  is  impossible  to 
render  in  translation  ;  it  reposes  on  the  equivalent 
of  the  etymology  of  clmicus,  which  comes  from 
the  Greek  word  signifying  a  bed  or  a  bier. 


PROSE    IMITATION. 

Diaulus  was  a  physician  yesterday;  he 
is  a  grave-digger  to-day ;  this  is  not  chang- 
ing his  trade,  however,  v^') 

AGAINST   THE    PHYSICIAN    SYMMACHUS. 

Languebam  ;  sed  tu  comitatus  protinus  ad  me 
Venisti  centum,  Symmache,  discipulis. 
Centum  me  tetigere  manus  Aquilone  gelatse. 
Non  habui  febrem,  Symmache  :  nunc  habeo. 

PROSE    IMITATION. 

I  was  indisposed;  thou  soon  earnest  to 
mine  assistance,  Symmachus,  accompanied 
by  a  hundred  of  thine  disciples.  A  hun- 
dred cold  hands  felt  mine  body.  I  had  no 
fever  then,  Symmachus,  but  to-day  I  have. 

IMITATION. 

I'm  sick.     I  send  for  Symmachus  ;  he's  here, 
A  hundred  students  following  at  his  rear. 
All  feel  my  pulse,  with  hands  as  cold  as  snow. 
I  had  no  fever  then, — I  have  it  now. 

IMITATION. 

Je  languissais,  docteur,  mais  tu  vins  a  I'instant ; 
Je  n'avais  pas  la  fievre,  et  je  I'ai  maintenant. (*) 

AGAINST    DOCTOR    HERMOCRATES. 

Lotus  nobiscum  est  hilaris,  caenavit  et  idem ; 
Inventus  mane  est  mortuus  Andragoras. 
Tam  subitse  mortis  causam,  Faustine,  requiris? 
Insomnis  medicum  viderat  Hermocratam. 

IMITATION. 

He  bathed  with  us,  dined  too,  in  humor  most  gay. 
Yet  this  morning  found  him  dead  in  his  bed. 


1  This  epigram  has  been  changed  to  suit  the 
names  of  different  individuals  by  Maynard, 
Dubos,  Jouquet,  Ducereau,  Charles  Saint  Amand, 
Boileau,  Bouriaud,  and  many  others,  whose  imi- 
tations  need  not  be  inserted  in  this  translation,  as 
all  are  only  poor  copies  of  the  original  ly 
Martial. 

2  The  French  as  well  as  English  imitations  of 
this  epigram  are  numerous.  The  best  of  the 
latter  is  that  appearing  in  the  Bristol  Medicc- 
Chirurgical  Journal,  1888. 


36 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


You  ask  me,  Faustinus,  what  called  him  away? 
Why,  he  saw,  in  his  dreams,  Hermocrates,  'tis 
said, 

IMITATION. 

Hill,  bien  portant  et  gai,  nous  fit  visite  hier, 
Et  mort  on  I'a  trouve  dans  son  lit  ce  matin. 
Tu  veux  savoir  pourquoi  cette  morte  si  subite  ? 
Le  malheureux  en  songe  a  vu  son  medecin. 

(French  adaptation  of  Pommereul.) 

AGAINST   CHARIDEMES. 

Uxorem,  Charideme,  tuam  scis  ipse,   sinisque 
A  medico  futui  ;  vis  sine  febre  mori. 

PROSE   IMITATION. 

Thine  physician  is  the  declared  lover  of 
thine  wife ;  thou  art  not  ignorant  of  the 
fact,  Charideme,  and  thou  allowest  it. 
Thou  wilt  die  without  even  having  a 
fever.  (') 

IMITATION. 

When  a  doctor's  wanting. 

Go  ask  your  wife  ; 
She  will  advise  you, 

'Twill  cost  your  life. 

IMITATION. 

Le  jeune  medecin  Fleurant 

Devient  tous  les  jours  a  la  mode. 

Pour  les  maris  il  est  tres  complaisant, 
Et  pour  les  femmes  tres  commode. 

(Adaptation  of  La  Touche.) 

IMITATION. 

A  young  doctor  visits  too  often  your  house. 

And  no  jealousy  wakens  thereby. 
When  you  are  sick  he'll  be  called  in  by  your 
spouse, 
And,  without  any  fever,  you'll  die. 

(Adaptation  from  Pommereul.) 

AGAINST    A    BAD    DOCTOR. 

Hoplomachus  nunc  es  ;  fueras  ophthalmicus  ante  ; 
Fecisti  medicus,  quod  facis  hoplomachus. 


I  That  is  to  say,  he  will  be  poisoned,  al- 
though some  commentators  draw  a  different  sig- 
nification. 


PROSE    IMITATION. 

You  are  an  oculist ;  you  were  a  gladi- 
ator :  the  sword  or  the  bistoury  answers 
the  same  purpose  in  your  hand. 

IMITATION. 

The  wicked  Doctor  Clitanders, 
Once  slaying  was  his  mission 

As  a  soldier  out  in  Flanders  ; 
In  France,  he's  a  physician. 

IMITATION. 

Jadis  gladiateur,  anjourdhui  medecin, 
Rufus  n'a  pas  quitte  son  metier  d'assassin. 

UPON    HIPPOCRATES. 

Santonica  medicata  dedit  mihi  pocula  virga, 
Os  hominis !  mulsum  me  rogat  Hippocrates. 
Tam    stupidus,   nunquam    nee    tu,  puto,    Glauce, 

fuisti, 
Chalcea  donanti.     Chrysea  qui  dederas. 
Dulce  aliquis  munus  pro  munere  poscit  amaro? 
Accipiat,  sed  si  potat  in  elleboro. 

PROSE    IMITATION. 

Hippocrates  has  given  me  a  potion 
poisoned  with  the  santonin  herb.  The 
impertinent  fellow  !  He  asks  in  exchange 
honey  wine.  Thou  wert  never  so  stupid, 
Glaucus,  when,  for  the  arms  of  gold  given 
thee,  thou  gavest  back  arms  of  brass.  To 
demand  a  sweet  favor  for  a  bitter  present ! 
I  have  consented,  however,  on  condition 
he  drinks  my  wine  in  a  mixture  of  helle- 
bore. 

UPON    HERODES. 

Clinicus  Herodes  trullam  subduxerat  aegro; 
Deprensus  dixit:  Stulte,  quid  ergo  bibis  ? 

PROSE    IMITATION. 

The  physician  Herodes  had  stolen  the 
goblet  of  one  of  his  patients ;  caught  in  the 
very  act  he  said  to  the  sick  man  :  **  Fool! 
would  you  drink  out  of  that  without  my 
prescription  ?  " 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


37 


IMITATION. 

A  doctor  stole  a  silver  cup, 

But,  detected  on  the  spot, 
Said,  "  Patient,  from  this  do  not  sup  ! 

Or  death  will  be  your  lot." 

UPON    A    MAD    PHYSICIAN. 

Invasit  medicus  sica  phreneticus  Eucli, 
Et  praecidit  Hylan.     Hie,  puto,  sanus  erat. 

PROSE    IMITATION. 

A   physician   in   an    excess   of    frenzy 
seized  Hylas,  the  favorite  of  Euclius,  and 


committed  a  wrongful  act. 
patient  was  cured. 


I  imagine  the 


IMITATION. 


The  great  Doctor  Bcerhaave  treated 

Signor  Saint  Far,  suspected  of  folly. 
The  doctor's  wife,  'tis  repeated, 

Was  pretty,  loving,  and  jolly. 
Saint  Far  was  handsome  and  pleasing — 

The  doctor  a  dried-up  old  stick. 
Saint  Far's  complaint  kept  easing. 

Soon,  he  was  no  longer  sick. 

(Adaptation  from  E.  T.  Simon.) 

AGAINST    THE    PHYSICIAN    CARUS. 

Nequius  a  Caro  nihil   unquam,  Maxime,  factum 

est, 
Quam  quod  febre  perit ;  fecit  et  ilia  nefas. 
Sseva  nocens  febris  saltem  quartana  fuisset ! 
Servari  medico  debuit  ilia  suo. 

PROSE    IMITATION. 

An  acute  continued  fever  killed  Carus, 
O  Maximus !  What  misfortune !  Cruel 
Fever  !  Ah  !  had  the  fever  been  quartan 
Carus  would  not  have  called  a  pliysician. 

IMITATION. 

Carus  est  mort,  Maxime;  une  fievre  inhumaine 
Nous  I'a  ravi  dans  moins  d'une  huitaine. 
Pauvre  Carus  !  de  grand  coeur  je  te  j)lains. 
Ah  I  si  ta  fievre  tierce  avait  ete  quartaine, 
Tu  t'en  disais  le  medecin 
Et  tu  ne  serais  mort  du  moins  que  de  ta  main. 

(Adaptation  of  C.  Dubois.) 


IMITATION. 

The  druggist,  Bastien  Legrow, 

Died  of  a  fever  violent ; 
Had  his  type  of  disease  been  slow 

He'd  never  for  a  doctor  sent. 

*  *  ^ 

TACITUS   (Latin  historian,  born  in  the 
year  50  A.D.) 

Annals, 

THE    POISONING    OF   DRUSUS,  HUSBAND 
OF    LIVIA. 

Sejan  plotted  with  Eudemus,  friend 
and  family  physician  of  Livia,  and  the 
latter  under  cover  of  his  medical  profes- 
sion often  saw  Livia  in  secret.  (^)  He  had 
by  his  wife  Apicata  three  children,  her 
he  repudiated,  so  that  there  should  be  no 
female  rivals  for  his  favors.  This  Eudemus 
made  known  many  secret  remedies  that 
appeared  useful  to  his  medical  art.Q 

POISONING    OF    CLAUDIUS. 

The  historians  of  that  epoch  have  report- 
ed many  things  that  time  has  since  served 
to  clear  up ;  it  is  said  that  the  Prince  was 
fed  poisonous  mushrooms,  that  truly  de- 
licious food,  and  that  the  Prince  perceived 
not  the  toxic  effects,  either  through  stupid- 
ity or  from  drunkenness;  besides,  sudden 
enervation  bid  fair  to  have  saved  him,  but 
at  this  juncture  Agrippina,  seized  with 
affright  lest  he  should  live,  sought  her  phy- 
sician, Xenophon,  to  whom  she  had  con- 
fided her  secret.  The  latter,  under  pre- 
text of  aiding  the  Prince  to  vomit,  pushed 
a  feather  down  the  throat  of  Claudius,  and 

1  Some  authors  have  concluded  from  this 
passage  that  Eudemus  was  Livia's  lover,  as  Vec- 
tius  Valens  was  the  admirer  of  Messalina. 

2  The  crime  was  discovered  eight  years  after- 
wards, and  Eudemus  was  tortured  to  death. 


38 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


this  feather  was  impregnated  with  a  subtile 
poison,  for  the  doctor  was  not  ignorant  of 
the  fact  that  risks  are  always  taken  in  the 
commission  of  great  crimes.  (^) 

*  *  * 
SUETONIUS   (Latin  historian,    satirist 

of  the  Caesars,  65  A.D.) 

History  of  the  Twelve  Ccesars. 

NERO. 

The  death  of  his  aunt  almost  followed 
the  murder  of  Agrippina.  She  was  ill  with 
a  disease  of  the  entrails ;  he  went  to  see 
her,  and  this  woman,  already  well  ad 
vanced  in  years,  touched  his  beard  as 
though  to  caress  him.  He  said:  "When 
this  beard  falls  out  I  will  die."  He  made 
the  remark  as  if  in  pleasantry,  to  amuse 
those  around  him,  then  went  out  and 
ordered  the  physician  to  purge  her  vio- 
lently. 

It  was  thus  he  destroyed,  under  all 
sorts  of  pretexts,  those  whom  he  desired  to 
put  out  of  the  way.  To  those  condemned 
to  death  he  gave  a  single  hour  for  prepara- 
tion, and  in  those  cases  where  he  was 
forced  to  delay  action  he  always  sent  a  phy- 
sician in  charge.  According  to  his  expres- 
sion, such  persons  needed  to  have  their 
veins  opened. 

*  *  * 

PETRONIUS    (Elegant    but    obscure 
Latin  writer,  66  A.D.). 

SATIRES. 

What  do  they  say,  that  Chrvsanthius  did 
not  observe  a  severe  diet  ?     For  five  days 

I  Caius  Stertinius  Xenophon,  to  us,  seems 
perfectly  innocent  of  the  death  of  Claudius.  He 
did  his  medical  duty  in  seeking  to  produce  vomit- 
ing by  tickling  the  throat  with  a  feather,  in  order 


not  a  drop  of  water  nor  a  morsel  of  bread 
entered  his  mouth;  in  the  meantime,  he 
has  left  us.  But  he  had  too  many  doctors, 
or,  rather,  he  succumbed  to  his  bad  Des- 
tiny ;  for,  after  all,  a  physician  can  only 
assist  the  spirit — to  depart. 

** Excuse  me,  my  friends,"  said  he; 
"  for  several  days  my  belly  has  not  prop- 
erly performed  its  functions,  and  physi- 
cians know  nothing.  Meantime,  I  have 
received  relief  from  an  infusion  of  pome- 
granate bark  and  spruce  in  vinegar.  I 
trust,  nevertheless,  that  the  storm  rumbling 
in  my  entrails  will  blow  over  and  calm 
down;  otherwise,  my  stomach  will  resound 
again  with  a  noise  similar  to  that  made  by 
a  roaring  bull.  If,  indeed,  others  of  you 
felt  the  same  imperative  call  of  nature,  you 
would  do  wrong  to  restrain  it,  for  no  one 
is  exempt  from  such  infirmities.  For  my- 
self, I  deem  any  one  foolish  to  prevent  a 
healthful  operation.  (^)  Jupiter  himself 
would  not  forbid  the  defecating  act.  You 
laugh,  Fortunatus — you  whose  noisy  deto- 
nations prevent  me  from  closing  my  eyes 
in  gentle  sleep  at  nights.  Never  have  I 
prevented  any  of  my  convivial  companions 
to  even  take  at  table  all  the  liberties 
allowed  the  calls  of  nature  when  desired. 
Physicians  advise  that  the  constipating 
act  should  ever  be  avoided. 

to  relieve  the  stomach  from  the  poison.  This 
accusation  seems  less  founded  since  Claudius  held 
his  physician  in  high  esteem,  and  in  his  honor 
obliged  the  Senate  to  promulgate  an  edict  to  per- 
petually exempt  all  the  inhabitants  of  the  Isle  of 
Cos  Irom  taxes,  as  Cos  was  a  celebrated  birthplace 
of  doctors. 

I  Suetonius  relates  that  the  Emperor  Claudius 
defecated  at  his  table,  because  he  had  understood 
that  one  of  his  rollicking  guests  was  uncomfort- 
able in  his  retention.  This  striking  example 
of  antique  politeness  on  part  of  the  host  has, 
fortunately,  never  been  repeated  in  modern 
society. 


The  Evil  that  has  been- said  of  Doctors. 


39 


What  is,  according  to  yourself,  the 
most  difficult  professions  of  all,  after  that 
of  literature  ?  To  me,  it  seems  to  be  that 
of  medicine  and  banking ;  in  fact,  the 
banker,  in  running  over  silver  money,  must 
be  able  to  know  the  copper  alloy ;  the 
[)hysician  must  know  what  a  man  has  in 
his  entrails,  and  when  his  fever  is  about  to 
declare  itself.  I  hate  these  doctors,  how- 
ever, who  too  often  prescribe  ^.MzViguackl) 
soup.  (') 


QUINTIUS    CURTIUS   (Latin  histo- 
rian, 2d  century  A.D.). 

History  of  Alexander  the  Great. 

ARISTOTLE  SUSPECTED  OF  HAVING  POISONED 
ALEXANDER. 

Towards  the  end  of  his  Hfe,  the  heart 
of  Alexander,  drunken  with  arrogant  con- 
ceit, commenced  to  disdain  its  ancient 
master,  Aristotle.  Since  the  death  of 
Callisthenes  he  thought  the  latter  his  en- 
emy, and  believed  what  he  heard  from 
motives  of  vengeance  rather  than  through 
wisdom  —  that  the  historian  declaimed 
against  him  in  his  school ;  and  Alexander 
imagined  that  Aristotle  thought  himself  all 
the  world  in  point  of  human  grandeur. 
This  was  shortly  before  his  death.  As 
Cassander  defended  him  of  the  accusations 
he  had  heard,  the  King  exclaimed:  "Thou 
hast  come  armed  with  all  the  subtilty  of 
Aristotle,  in  order  to  oppose  deceitful 
quibbles  to  just  complaints."  Then  he 
threatened  both  with  the  most  terrible 
punishment  if  he  discovered  the  stories  to 
be  true  as  reported.     The  face  of  Alex- 

1  The  ducks  cry  ^^ quack !^^  as  used  in  ancient 
satire,  is  not  uncommon.  '■'■Duck  soup,''''  or,  in 
French,  bouillon  de  canard,  readily  finds  a  Latin 
equivalent  in  the  older  classics. 


ander  had  such  an  angry  aspect  as  he 
made  his  menace,  that  long  after  he  died 
Cassander,  who  had  become  ruler  of 
Greece,  having  by  chance  glanced  at  the 
statue  of  Alexander  placed  in  the  Temple 
of  Delphos,  remembering  the  danger  he 
had  once  incurred,  trembled  m  every 
limb.  This  circumstance  led  some  to  be- 
lieve that  Aristotle  was  guilty  of  finishing 
up  Alexander  by  foul  methods,  and  he  was 
openly  accused  of  having  hidden  poison 
in  a  horse's  hoof  and  sent  the  same  to 
Babylon  in  order  to  kill  Alexander  the 
Great.  (0 

THE    PHYSICIAN  PHILIP    IS  ACCUSED   BY  PAR- 

MENION  OF  WISHING  TO  POISON 

THE    KING. 

The  King,  covered  by  dust  and  sweat, 
was  led  to  bathe  his  sore  and  wearied  feet, 
charmed  by  the  beauties  of  the  waters  of 
the  River  Cydnus.  His  feet  had  no  sooner 
been  placed  in  the  stream,  however,  than 
his  limbs,  seized  with  a  sudden  trembling, 
commenced  to  stiffen  painfully.  Soon  a 
paleness  overspread  his  whole  frame,  and 
the  warmth  of  life  appeared  to  have  en- 
tirely abandoned  him.  He  was  in  an 
unconscious  condition  and  near  death 
when  his  henchmen  removed  him  to  an 
adjoining  tent.  Soon  his  respiration  be- 
came freer,  and  the  King  opened  his  eyes. 
He  had  his  personal  friends  and  physicians 
summoned.  "You  see,"  said  he,  "in 
what  condition  my  misfortune  has  brought 
me,  and  I  am  surprised  at  this  sudden 
attack.  Darius  has  written  me  a  superb 
letter,  but  all  in  vain,  if  I  be  not  cared  for 
according  to  my  own  will  and  judgment. 
Circumstances  in  my  case  will  not  permit 
either  slow  remedies  or  timid  physicians  ; 

I  Littre  has  conclusively  proved  that  the 
death  of  Alexander  must  be  attributed,  not  to 
poison,  but  to  an  attack  of  intermittent  fever. 


40 


The  Evil  that  has  'been  said  of  Doctors. 


better  is  it  that  I  die  promptly  than  have  a 
lengthy  illness.  If  there  is,  then,  any 
remedy  in  medical  art,  'tis  that  I  seek — 
less  to  save  my  life,  however,  than  to  pre- 
serve my  honor  that  is  engaged  to  carry 
on  this  war." 

Among  the  physicians,  the  more  skillful 
present  was  Philip,  an  Acarnian  by  birth, 
who  had  come  from  Macedonia  with  the 
King  and  who  appeared  to  be  a  faithfully 
devoted  medical  man.  Attached  to  His 
Majesty  from  the  time  of  his  infancy  and 
charged  with  the  task  of  attending  to  the 
King's  health,  he  not  only  was  supposed 
to  love  his  master,  but  in  his  conduct 
towards  him  was  as  a  devoted  nurse  full  of 
loyal  tenderness.  This  physician  promised 
a  remedy  that  would  not  be  violent,  but  at 
the  same  time  active ;  with  a  simple  potion 
he  promised  to  cause  an  abatement  of  the 
disease.  This  proposition  was  acceptable 
to  those  who  did  not  care  to  run  any  risks. 
It  was  to  relieve  the  suffering  rather  than 
retard  the  malady.  Arms  and  combats 
were  before  the  King's  eyes ;  he  believed 
himself  assured  of  victory,  if  he  could  only 
show  himself  at  the  head  of  his  army ;  the 
three  days'  time  during  which  he  was  to 
take  the  potion  (ordered  by  the  physician) 
were,  however,  too  long  to  satisfy  his  royal 
impatience.  Upon  his  entreaties,  he  re- 
ceived a  letter  from  Parmenion,  the  most 
devoted  of  his  courtiers,  who  warned  him 
not  to  confide  the  care  of  his  case  to  the 
physician  Philip,  as  the  latter  was  in  the 
])ay  of  Darius  and  had  been  bribed  with 
the  promise  of  a  thousand  talents  and  the 
hand  of  his  sister. 

This  letter  threw  the  King  into  a  state 
of  great  perplexity;  he  was  trustful  and 
hopeful  on  one  side,  and  filled  with  doubt 
and  fear  on  the  other,  and,  these  ideas 
passed  and  repassed  through  his  bewildered 
mind.      ' '  Shall    I   persist   in   taking   this 


potion  and  be  poisoned?"  he  asked  him- 
self. *'  Shall  I  permit  injury  to  myself  and 
acknowledge  that  my  own  imprudence  has 
merited  the  result?  Shall  I  condemn  in 
advance  the  fidelity  of  my  physician  and 
await  the  attacks  of  the  enemy  in  my  own 
tent?  No!  better,  is  it  to  perish  by  the 
crime  of  another  than  to  die  from  fear." 
Thus  he  continued  in  sad  mental  uncer- 
tainty; then,  not  telling  any  person  of  the 
letter,  he  sealed  the  missive  and  placed  it 
under  his  pillow. 

Two  days  passed  in  these  reflections, 
and  the  time  that  the  physician  had  set 
was  at  hand.  Philip  entered  with  his  cup 
and  prepared  the  final  potion.  On  his 
entrance  Alexander  raised  himself  on  his 
elbow  and  extended  his  right  hand  holding 
the  letter  from  Parmenion;  he  then  sat 
upright,  and  with  his  left  hand  took  the 
cup  and  fearlessly  swallowed  the  potion ; 
after  which  he  ordered  Philip  to  read  the 
epistle,  never  removing  his  eyes  from  the 
physician's  face  for  a  single  instant,  in  the 
hope  of  recognizing  some  indications  of 
what  passed  in  Philip's  conscience.  But, 
the  physician,  having  perused  the  letter, 
showed  more  indications  of  indignation 
than  fear,  and  throwing  the  letter  and  his 
cloak  at  the  foot  of  the  couch,  said : 
"  My  King,  mine  life  has  always  depended 
on  thine,  but  it  is  to-day  truly  and  sacred- 
ly a  part  of  thine  own  existence.  This 
accusation  of  murder  charged  against  me 
olmost  destroys  thine  chances  of  recovery. 
Saved  by  me  thou  grantest  me  life.  I  now 
supplicate  and  conjure  thee  to  banish  all 
fear,  and  permit  the  potion  to  enter  all 
thine  veins.  Give  thine  mind  a  rest ;  thou 
hast  faithful  friends,  but  they  are  indiscreet 
in  their  zeal,  and  are  troubled  by  morbid 
terrors." 

These  words  reassured  the  King,  filling 
him    with    joy    and    hope.       Addressing 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


41 


Philip,  he  said:  ''If  the  Gods  had  given 
thee  for  choice  the  best  method  of  experi- 
encing mine  feelings,  without  doubt  thou 
could'st  not  have  a  greater  happiness,  but 
thou  can'st  not  conceive  what  have  been 
mine  thoughts.  I  have  received  this  letter, 
and  have  taken  the  medicine  prepared  by 
thine  own  hands ;  now,  believe  me,  if  any 
uneasiness  remains,  it  is  more  on  account 
of  this  insult  to  thine  honor,  than  for  an 
anxiety  for  life."  Having  thus  spoken, 
he  extended  his  right  hand  to  Philip  and 
clasped  it  fervently.  Now,  the  effect  of 
the  medicine  was  so  powerful,  that  its  very 
first  action  seemed  to  confirm  the  accusa- 
tion made  by  Parmenion,  but  when  the 
effects  of  the  potion  spread  through  the 
King's  veins,  and  all  his  body  experienced 
its  salutary  influence,  hope  resumed  its 
vigor,  and  soon  the  body,  with  a  surprising 
promptitude  renewed  its  pristine  strength. 
Three  days  after  this  crisis,  the  King  again 
rode  at  the  head  of  his  army. 

ALEXANDER     PUTS    THE    PHYSICIAN     OF    HIS 
FAVORITE,   EPHESTION,  TO    DEATH. 

From  thence  the  King  came  to  Ecban- 
tana  in  order  to  shape  some  affairs  in  his 
Empire;  here,  he  made  festivals  and  sacri- 
fices as  well  as  pleasing  spectacles ;  during 
the  latter,  Ephestion,  whom  he  loved  as  a 
brother,  died  of  a  fever,  and  his  loss  so 
greatly  grieved  the  King,  that  in  the  anger 
of  his  affliction  he  did  many  things  un- 
worthy of  a  wise  monarch,  for,  it  is  said, 
he  crucified  the  physician  Glaucus  (')  who 
had    treated    his    friend    Ephestion,    and 

I  These  examples  of  cruelty  were  not  rare 
during  the  ancient  monarchies,  and  we  can  recall 
a  certain  number  without  difficulty.  Manus  was 
burned  alive  for  permitting  the  son  of  the  King 
of  Persia  to  die.  Haroun  al  Rashid  ordered  Ga- 
briel Baktichua  to  be  executed  because  he  had  the 
awkwardness  to  reveal  the  danger  of  his  position  ; 


thought  the  death  of  the  latter  had  been 
due  to  the  doctor,  and  not  to  the  ravages 
of  the  disease. 

THE     PHYSICIAN      CALLISTHENES       IS       CON- 
DEMNED TO  DEATH    FOR  HAVING   TAKEN 
PART     IN     THE     CONSPIRACY    CON- 
TRIVED   BY    HERMOLAUS. 

"For  thee,  Callisthenes,  Hermolaus, 
who,  alone,  found  in  thee  a  man,  because 
he  found  an  unprincipled  wretch,  I  know 
full  well  why  thou  wouldst  have  him  called. 
Thou  wouldst  smile  to  hear  him  in  the  face 


this  physician  only  owed  his  safety  to  the  death  of 
the  tyrant.  Gabriel  Zerbi  was  unable  to  cure  a 
Pasha  in  Bulgaria,  and  was  sawed  in  two  by  order 
of  the  son  of  the  deceased.  Avicenna  was  a  long 
time  in  prison  for  a  similar  offense.  Queen  Austri- 
gilde,  wife  of  King  Gontran,  asked  as  a  dying  re- 
quest, and  obtained  the  promise  from  her  husband, 
that  the  two  physicians  who  attended  her  in  this 
last  ailment  should  be  killed  and  buried  with 
her  remains.  Alexander  the  Great,  put  Callis- 
thenes to  death  with  tortures,  for  conspiring 
against  him,  along  with  Ptolemy  Philadelphus, 
Amyntas  de  Rhodes,  and  Cineas.  Eudemus  was 
accused  of  having  poisoned  Drusus  and  turned 
over  to  the  hangman.  Vectius  Valens,  the  lover 
of  Messalina,  wife  of  Claudius  met  a  similar  fate. 
Louis  XI.  was  not  very  tender  with  his  doctors; 
he  maltreated  those  who,  after  one  of  his  fainting 
spells,  withdrew  from  the  window  where  he  re- 
clined; and  punished  the  physician  of  his  father, 
Charles  VII.,  for  obliging  him  to  eat  during  his 
illness.  We  know  by  what  cunning  subterfuge 
his  own  doctor,  Jacques  Coictier,  avoided  the 
cruelties  of  his  royal  master,  by  persuading  the 
King  that  the  stars  read  that  he  would  die  eight 
days  after  the  death  of  his  medical  attendant, 
the  aforesaid  Jacques  Coictier.  Pierre  Louis  was 
much  less  fortunate.  He  read  in  the  stars  that  he 
was  going  to  be  drowned,  and  left  Venice,  where 
he  was  residing,  for  Florence,  where  the  river  was 
very  shallow  ;  he  there  treated  the  Grand  Duke 
Laurent  de  Medicis,  and  promised  his  son  that 
the  father  should  be  cured,  but,  contrary  to  his 
opinion,  the  Prince  suddenly  died,  and  his  son, 
the  new  Duke,  threw  the  doctor  into  a  deep  well, 
in  order  to  fulfil  the  prophecy  of  the  stars. 


42 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


of  this  assemblage  repeat  with  his  mouth 
those  injuries  and  insults  thou  so  lavishly 
wasted  on  me  at  all  times.  If  he  were  a 
Macedonian  I  might  have  permitted  him  to 
appear  with  thee  as  a  master  worthy  of  his 
pupil,  but  he  is  Olynthian,  and  cannot  en- 
joy the  same  privileges." 

After  this  discourse,  Alexander  bade 
the  assemblage  farewell,  and  ordered  that 
the  condemned  should  be  put  in  their  com- 
rade's hands  for  punishment ;  the  latter,  in 
order  to  testify  loyalty  to  their  sovereign, 
caused  the  death  of  their  victim  with  the 
most  cruel  tortures.  Callisthenes  died  in 
the  most  horrible  agonies,  although  he  was  a 
stranger  to  the  plot  hatched  against  the 
King,  but  his  character  was  so  honest  that 
he  was  not  adapted  to  the  flatteries  and 
deceits  of  Court  life.  No  murder  so  much 
excited  the  hatred  of  the  Greeks,  as  that 
of  Callisthenes;  they  were  very  angry 
with  Alexander.  To  them  the  victim  was 
a  philosopher  of  austere  morals  and  rare 
knowledge,  a  physician  who  could  call  the 
dead  back  to  life ;  and  that  such  a  man 
had  been  forced  to  submit  to  tortures  with- 
out ever  having  been  granted  a  trial,  was 
considered  an  atrocious  piece  of  cruelty. 
It  is  true  that,  later,  Alexander  repented 
his  hasty  action. 

* 
APULEIUS   (Latin  writer,  114  to   180 
A.D.) 

RUSE  EMPLOYED  BY  A  WOMAN  TO  RID  HER- 
SELF OF  A  DOCTOR  WHOM  SHE  HAD 
INDUCED    TO    POISON    HER    HUSBAND. 

But  the  brother  was  so  indignant  at  the 
tragical  and  unjust  end  of  his  sister  that  he 
became  unable  to  support  his  melancholy. 
A  deep  chagrin  possessed  him ;  his 
bile  became  heated,  he  fell  into  a  profound 
delirium,  followed  by  a  burning  fever,  to 


such  an  extent  that  it  became  necessary  to 
attend  him  in  turn.  His  wife,  who  had, 
in  leality,  not  merited  the  name  of  spouse 
for  a  long  time  on  account  of  not  being 
faithful,  went  in  search  of  a  notorious 
doctor,  already  famous  for  his  amorous  ex- 
ploits and  of  the  trophies  gathered  by  an 
assassin's  hand.  She  promised  this  physi- 
cian fifty  thousand  sesterces  if  he  would 
sell  her  a  subtile  poison;  and  she  thus 
bought  the  death  of  her  husband.  The 
bargain  being  completed,  they  agreed  to 
cool  the  sick  man's  entrails  by  purging 
him  of  bile,  and  had  recourse  to  that 
poison  par  excellence  that  the  Ancients  call 
the  "sacred  potion."  Then  in  its  place 
they  substituted  another  that  was  not 
sacred,  only  for  the  greater  glory  of  Pros- 
perine. 

The  friends  and  relatives  of  the  family 
were  at  the  patient's  bedside  when  the 
physician  arrived  and  presented  the  sick 
man  with  his  potion.  But  the  audacious 
woman,  wishing  to  rid  herself  of  her  ac- 
complice in  crime  and  not  pay  him  the 
money  she  had  promised,  seized  the  cup 
from  the  doctor's  hand,  and,  before  all 
present,  exclaimed:  **No!  most  illustrious 
physician,  you  shall  not  make  my  dear 
husband  drink  this  potion  until  you  have 
yourself  swallowed  one-half,  for  I  am 
afraid  that  you  intend  to  poison  him.  You 
know  full  well  that  this  precaution  need 
give  no  offense  to  a  person  so  well  instruct- 
ed and  educated  in  medicine  as  yourself. 
Is  it  not  natural  that  a  devoted  wife  like  I 
should  surround  her  husband  by  all  the 
tender  watchfulness  and  solicitude  that  I, 
in  gratitude,  owe  him  ?  " 

This  strange  and  unlooked-for  out- 
break on  the  part  of  the  wife  in  the 
presence  of  so  many  witnesses  so  em- 
barrassed and  dumfounded  the  doctor 
that,  from  the  very  fear  of  being  deemed 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors, 


43 


guilty  of  the  charge  of  poisoning,  he  swal- 
lowed a  large  portion  of  the  potion.  The 
grateful  husband,  taking  the  goblet,  in  turn 
swallowed  what  remained. 

The  wife's  attempt  being  consummated, 
the  physician  desired  to  regain  his  own 
home  in  order  to  secure  an  antidote  to 
neutralize  the  powerful  effects  of  the  poi- 
son he  had  taken.  But  the  horrible  wretch 
of  a  wife  would  not  permit  him  to  leave 
the  room.  "We  will  wait,"  said  she, 
**  until  the  potion  has  entered  my  dear 
husband's  veins,  in  order  to  see  the  salu- 
tary effects  of  your  medicine,  doctor ! " 
And  it  was  only  when  in  acute  pain  and 
wearied  by  his  incessant  pleadings  that 
she  finally  permitted  the  physician  to  leave 
the  house. 

During  the  time  of  his  stay,  how- 
ever, the  poison  had  entered  his  system 
and  secretly  penetrated  all  portions  of  the 
unfortunate  body.  Already  very  ill  and 
plunged  into  a  state  of  drowsiness,  he  only 
arrived  at  his  house  after  great  effort.  He 
told  his  wife  his  story  and  recommended 
her  to  claim  at  least  the  recompense  due 
him  for  their  double  crime.  Shortly,  from 
the  violence  of  the  toxic  drug,  the  very 
virtuous  and  over-obliging  disciple  of  ^s- 
culapius  breathed  his  last  sigh.  The  hus- 
band who  had  been  poisoned  lived  a  little 
longer,  but  soon  he  too  was  gathered  to 
his  fathers  amid  the  hypocritical  tears  and 
deceitful  lamentations  of  his  wife,  who  had 
finished  him  in  so  tragic  a  manner.  After 
the  latter  had  been  entombed  for  several 
days,  during  which  time  the  widow  clothed 
herself  in  deepest  mourning,  the  physi- 
cian's wife  presented  herself  to  claim  the 
price  of  the  double  death;  the  latter  widow 
seemed  to  be  as  cheerful  as  the  former, 
and  was  greeted  with  every  evidence  of 
affection.  The  widow  of  the  poisoned  man 
promised  to  pay  the  doctor's  wife  without 


delay,  if  she  would  bring  her  a  little  more 
of  the  poison  made  by  her  medical  hus- 
band ;  to  this  proposition  the  doctor's  wife 
readily  consented,  and  returned  with  a 
large  box  of  the  drug.  The  wicked  wife, 
of  the  first  part,  now  proceeded  to  poison 
everybody  around  her,  and  one  day  invited 
the  physician's  widow  and  daughter  to 
dinner  and  killed  them  both  with  the 
wicked  physician's  own  medicine. 

*  >}.  * 

AULUS     GELLIUS     (Roman    gram- 
marian, 130  A.D.). 

NOCTES    ATTICiE. 

I  had  retired  during  the  heat  of  sum- 
mer to  Cephisus,  near  Athens,  in  the  coun- 
try house  of  Herod,  an  illustrious  person, 
whose  place  abounded  in  springs,  and 
woodland  with  shade;  there  I  was  over- 
come with  a  diarrhcea  and  violent  fever 
that  forced  me  to  take  to  my  couch.  The 
philosopher  Calvisius  Taurus,  accompanied 
by  several  of  his  disciples,  came  from 
Athens  to  see  me.  I  had  then  near  my 
bedside  a  country  doctor  of  the  place,  who 
endeavored  to  explain  to  Taurus  the  nature 
of  my  disease  and  the  character  of  the 
fever.  While  talking,  he  remarked  to 
Taurus:  ''You  can  see  our  patient  is 
better,  and  judge  of  his  condition  by  feel- 
ing his  veiny  This  ignorance  of  language, 
confounding  vein  with  artery^  made  the 
rural  practitioner  appear  ridiculous  to  those 
present  with  Taurus,  and  their  whispers 
and  faces  betrayed  their  thoughts. 

Then  Taurus,  with  his  habitual  kind- 
ness and  gentleness,  said  quietly:  "We 
know,  my  good  man,  that  thou  art  not  ig- 
norant that  this  is  a  vein  and  the  others 
only  arteries  :  veins  are  never  movable  and 
are  used  only  to  draw  up  the  blood; 
arteries,  by   their   pulsations,  indicate  the 


44 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


nature  and  force  of  fevers;  and  notice 
that  thou  hast  expressed  thineself  rather  to 
conform  to  vulgar  language  than  from  real 
ignorance.  Thou  art  not  the  first  physician 
who  hath  taken  the  vein  for  the  artery. 
This  is  well ;  for  the  rest,  show  thineself  to 
be  more  exact  in  practice  than  in  lan- 
guage, and,  with  the  assistance  of  the 
Gods,  give  us  back  our  friend  healthy  and 
sound  as  soon  as  possible.  " 

*  ^i.  * 
JULIUS     CAPITOLINUS     (Latin 

writer,  fourth  century,  A.D.) 

LIFE    OF    MARC    ANTONY. 

Not  even  a  Prince  is  exempt  from  the 
attacks  of  scandal.  Thus,  it  has  been  said 
that  Marc  Antony  poisoned  Verus  him- 
self; he  cut  a  piece  of  sow's  paunch  with 
a  poisoned  knife  and  offered  his  brother 
the  infected  portion,  keeping  for  himself 
the  piece  which  was  harmless ;  this  was 
what  killed  Doctor  Posidippius,  who,  they 
claimed,  bled  Lucius  Verus  at  the  wrong 
time. 

*  *  * 
AUSONIUS    (Latin    poet,  309   to   394 

A.D.).0    • 

EPIGRAM    AGAINST    THE    PHYSICIAN 
ALCON. 

Languenti  Marco  dixit  Diodorus  haruspex, 
Ad  vitam  non  plus  sex  superesse  dies. 
Sed  medicus  divis  satisque  potentior  Alcon 
Falsum  convicit  illico  haruspicium, 
Tractavit  que  manum  victuri,  ni  tetigisset, 
Illico  nam  Marco  sex  periere  dies. 

I  For  epigrams  imitated  from  Nicarque,  see 
preceding  foot-notes.  Montaigne,  who  never  let 
the  occasion  pass  when  he  could  insult  doctors,  as 
he  accused  them  of  having  killed  his  bosom 
friend,  Etienne  de  la  Boetie,  cites  this  epigram  in 
a  eulogy  in  his — so-called — *'  Essays." 


PROSE    IMITATION. 

The  aurispice  Diodorus  said  to  Marcus, 
when  sickness  had  wasted  strength,  that  he 
had  only  six  more  days  to  live.  But  the 
physician  Alcon,  more  powerful  in  shaping 
human  destiny  than  the  Gods,  convinced 
Diodorus  that  he  had  been  deceived ;  he 
felt  the  sick  man's  pulse — that  might  have 
kept  on  beating  if  the  physician  had  not 
touched  it — and  in  an  instant  Marcus  lost 
the  six  days  promised  him  by  Diodorus. 

AGAINST    THE    PHYSICIAN    EUNOMUS.  (') 

Languentem  Cajum,  moriturum  dixerat  olim 

Eunomus,  Evasit  fati  ope,  non  medici. 

Paulo  post  ipsum  videt,  aut  videsse  putavit 

Pallentem,  et  multa  mortis  in  effigie. 

Quistu?    Cajus,  ait.     Vivisne  ?    Hie  abnuit.    At 

quid 
Nunc  agis  hie  ?     Jussus  Ditis,  ait,  venio. 
Ut  quia  notitiam  rerumque  hominumque  tenerem, 
Accirem    medicos.       Eunomus    obriguit.       Turn 

Cajus  : 
Metuas  nihil,  Eunome,  Dico  ego  et  omnes, 
Nullum  qui  saperet,  dicere  te  medicum. 

PROSE    IMITATION. 

Eunomus  one  day  said  that  Cajus,  his 
patient,  would  not  recover.  However,  the 
sick  man  did  not  die  from  the  disease, 
more  thanks  be  to  the  Gods  than  the 
skill  of  the  doctor.  Meeting  his  patient 
a  few  days  later,  the  physician  thought 
him  a  ghost,  and  exclaimed:  "Who 
art  thou?"  Responded  Cajus:  *'I  am 
thy  former  client."  ''What!  "  exclaimed 
the  doctor,  in  affright,  "and  thou  still 
livest?"  Cajus  answered :  "No;  I  come 
on  a  mission  from  Pluto  to  search  for 
some  physicians  to  take  to  realms  be- 
low." At  these  words  Eunomus  became 
as  cold   as  ice  and  shivered,  when  Cajus 

I  This  is  a  mere  imitation  of  Babrius.  See  the 
fable  of  "The  Ignorant  Doctor,"  on  a  preceding 
page. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


45 


continued:  *'  Be  not  afraid,  so  far  as  con- 
cerns thineself,  for  there  are  no  persons  on 
earth  so  fooHsh  as  to  consider  thee  a  doc- 
tor." 

AGAINST    ALCON,    A    POOR    DOCTOR. 

Alcon  hesterno  signum  Jovis  attigit ;   ille, 
Quamvis  marmoreus,  vim  patitur  medici, 
Ecce  hodie  jussus  transferri  ex  aede  vetusta  ; 
Effertur,(*)  quamvis  sit  Deus,  atque  lapis. 

PROSE    IMITATION. 

Alcon  yesterday  touched  the  statue  of 
Jupiter  and  all  the  marble  in  the  God  ex- 
perienced the  virtue  of  the  medicine.  That 
is  why  he  is  carried  out  of  the  Temple  feet 
foremost  to-day,  although  he  is  a  God  and 
a  marble  God  at  that. 


EUNAPIUS   (Physician  and   historian, 
4th  century  A.D.). 

Life  of  Froceresius. 

A    PHYSICIAN,    NEVER    KNOWN     TO    CURE     A 
PATIENT,    HAS    ONE     SUCCESS- 
FUL   CASE. 

I  had  fallen  ill  at  the  Port  of  Pyreus, 
and  was  reduced  to  such  a  pitiable  condi- 
tion by  fatigue  and  the  sea  voyage,  that  no 
signs  of  life  were  manifest  in  me.  Then  it 
was  that  the  physician  ^schines,  whom 
chance  had  cast  in  our  way,  was  called  in 
by  my  friends  and  promised  them  my  speedy 
cure.  Nevertheless,  he  was  known  as  a 
doctor,  who  not  only  had  killed  every  pa- 
tient that  he  had  ever  medicated,  but  some 
had  even  died  at  his  mere  appearance. 
My  friends  permitted  this  man  to  violently 

I  The  play  upon  word's  is  here  evident  in  the 
word  effertiir,  as  efferre  signifies  to  to  turn  into 
earth  (dust). 


force  a  remedy  into  my  mouth  that  he  had 
compounded ;  and  no  sooner  had  I  swal- 
lowed the  same  —  as  my  acquaintances 
present  affirm — than  I  recovered  speech 
and  sight  and  distinguished  those  at  my 
bedside.  It  was  thus  that  ^schines  washed 
away  the  memory  of  his  many  failures  and 
ignorance  as  to  the  healing  art,  by  this 
unique  cure;  and,  after  passing  for  a 
Divinity  in  the  city  of  Athens,  he  went  to 
the  Isle  of  Scio,  his  own  birthplace,  where, 
ever  after,  he  was  considered  as  one  of  the 
greatest  physicians  of  his  age. 

*  *  * 
PRUDENCE     AURELIUS      (Latin 

writer,  348  A.D.). 

AGAINST    SURGEONS. 

Horretis  omnes  hasce  carnificum  manus; 
Num  meliores  sunt  manus  medentium, 
Laniena  quando  saevit  Hipocratica  ? 
Vivum  secatur  viscus  et  recens  cruor 
Scalpella  tingit,  dum'putredo  abraditur. 

PROSE    IMITATION. 

You  recoil  in  horror  before  the  hands 
of  the  executioner.  Do  these  doctors  love 
you  better  when,  as  ^sculapian  butchers, 
they  commence  their  tortures?  They  cut 
into  the  palpitating  flesh ;  the  warm  blood 
stains  their  scalpel  when  the  gangrenous 
part  is  removed. 

*  *  * 
SIDONIUS     APOLLINARIS    (430 

to  489  A.D.). 

EPIGRAM. 

It  was  Sidonius  Apollinaris  who  in- 
dulged in  the  following  ban  mot :  "An 
unskillful  and  industrious  physician  always 
kills  his  patients  very  officiously." 


46 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


MODERN  LATIN  AUTHORS. 


EGINHARD  (French  historian,  772  to 
844  A.D.). 

LIFE  OF  THE  EMPEROR   CHARLEMAGNE. 

His  health  was  always  good,  except  for 
the  last  four  years  preceding  his  death. 
He  had  about  that  period  frequent  attacks 
of  fever,  and  became  crippled  in  one  foot. 
During  his  times  of  suffering,  he  humored 
his  own  whims  rather  than  followed  the 
advice  of  his  physicians,  whom  he  consid- 
ered odious  because  they  forbade  him  roast 
meats,  to  which  he  was  accustomed,  and 
endeavored  to  restrain  him  to  eat  only 
boiled  animal  foods.  (^) 


RICHER    (Early  Latin   historian,    born 
about  970  A.D.). 

History  of  my  Times. 

HOW    DEROLD  WAS  DECEIVED  BY  A  DOCTOR, 

AND    IN    TURN    TRAPPED    THE 

PHYSICIAN. 

In  those  days  died  Derold,  Bishop  of 
Amiens,  a  man  of  great  influence  at  the 
Palace  and  closely  attached,  by  bonds  of 
friendship,  to  the  King.  Derold  was  a 
most  skillful  practitioner  of  the  medical 
art,  and  the  story  is  told  that,  during  the 
time  he  lived  at  the  Court,  he  foiled  and 
and    entrapped    a    certain    doctor    from 

I  The  horror  Charlemagne  had  for  physicians 
prevented  the  calling  in  of  medical  aid  in  his  last 
illness,  and  he  died  of  pleurisy,  which  he  only 
endeavored  to  counteract  by  a  very  strict  diet. 


Salerno.  Both  the  medical  Bishop  and 
Salerno  physician  were  regarded  as  being 
educated  as  healers,  but,  to  the  King's 
mind,  the  Bishop  was  the  best  doctor  of 
the  two.  The  Queen,  on  the  contrary, 
favored  the  Salerno  man,  deeming  him 
more  skillful.  The  King,  by  artifice,  soon 
knew  which  one  was  best  initiated  in  the 
secrets  of  medicine.  He  made  them  come 
often  to  his  table,  not  telling  them  of  his 
project,  and  proposed  frequent  questions, 
to  which  each  could  answer  as  he  deemed 
best. 

Derold  was  thoroughly  versed  in  belles- 
lettres,  and  always  decided  his  questions  in 
a  satisfactory  manner.  The  Salerno  man, 
although  illiterate  on  many  questions,  had, 
however,  a  natural  quick-witted  brightness, 
acquired  from  long  experience  with  the 
world. 

The  two  disputants  came  together  at 
the  Royal  table  each  day,  by  order  of  the 
Prince.  One  evening  the  discussion  was 
on  dynamics,  thence  into  pharmacy,  then 
to  surgery,  and  finally  into  botany.  The 
Salerno  man  was  at  sea  and  could  not  fully 
comprehend  the  conversation,  but  did  the 
best  thing  under  all  circumstances,  namely, 
maintained  a  discreet  silence  ;  but  he  con- 
ceived at  the  same  moment  a  profound 
feeling  of  envy  and  hatred  towards  Derold, 
and  resolved  to  poison  the  Bishop. 

While  feigning  the  greatest  amity  for 
the  latter,  the  doctor  placed  a  virulent 
agent  under  the  ring-finger  nail,  and,  as 
they  were  at  table  together,  introduced  the 
poison  into  the  pepper  sauce  that  he  and 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


47 


Derold  were  in  the  habit  of  using.  De- 
rold,  having  taken  some  of  the  sauce,  felt 
the  poison  insinuating  itself  in  his  veins, 
and  became  faint;  but,  his  servants  carrying 
him  home,  he  used  an  antidote,  thereby 
neutralizing  the  effects  of  the  drug,  and 
three  days  later  presented  himself  at  the 
King's  table  as  usual. 

When  asked  what  ailed  him,  he  coolly 
replied  that  he  had  a  slight  rheumatic 
fever,  never  indicating  that  he  had  any 
other  affection. 

His  enemy  never  had  the  least  sus- 
picion that  Derold  had  discovered  the 
attempt  on  his  life.  Soon  the  assembled 
company  again  became  convivial,  and  De- 
rold, in  his  turn,  holding  some  poison 
between  his  index  and  little  fingers,  0 
sprinkled  it  over  the  meat  the  Salerno 
doctor  was  eating.  The  poison  soon 
spread  and  infiltrated  through  the  latter's 
veins  and  destroyed  his  vital  heat,  and  the 
victim  was  carried  home  by  his  attendants; 
there  he  immediately  began  to  praise  De- 
rold as  the  finest  doctor  in  all  the  world 
and  the  very  master  of  medical  art,  and 
entreated  that  he  might  be  summoned  to 
relieve  him.  Derold  administered  anti- 
dotes, but  the  poison  had  gone  so  far  that 
it  entered  the  Salerno  physician's  foot,  in 
the  veins  of  which  it  formed  a  clot,  so  that 
for  a  long  time  he  was  crippled  and  finally 
had  to  call  in  the  surgeon,  who  cut  out  the 
tumor. 

*  *  * 

JEAN  DE  SALISBURY  (From  mo 
to  1180  A.D.). 

EPIGRAM. 

When  pain  torments  a  poor  patient,  he 

I  It  is  difficult  to  understand  how  one  can 
hide  and  sprinkle  poison  held  behueen  the  index 
and  little  fingers  ;  the  author  evidently  intended 
to  write  annularis. 


is  distracted  by  the  acuteness  of  the  mani- 
festation a^  well  as  by  the  greediness  of  his 
doctor. 

*  *  * 

PETRARCHO   (Italian   poet,    1304   to 
1374  A.D.). 

Latin   Works. 

UPON  GOOD  AND  BAD  FORTUNE.  (^) 

Thou  hast  enjoyed  for  a  long  time 
strength  and  most  flourishing  health,  to 
the  great  astonishment  of  those  who  know 
thee.  In  a  few  years  of  time  thou  hast 
been  on  three  occasions  given  up  by  the 
doctors;  three  times  hast  thou  trusted  them 
with  thine  life,  and  thy  safety  is  alone  due 
to  the  aid  of  the  Heavenly  physician — it  is 
he  alone  who  hath  restored  thee  to  health. 

PREFACE  TO  BOOK  SECOND. 

When  physicians  agree  let  us  interro- 
gate the  patients.  They  pretend  that  life 
is  short, ^)  and  by  their  foolishness  they 
often  find  further  methods  to  shorten  exist- 
ence. 

1  When  we  read  all  the  sarcasm  that  Petrarch 

has  launched  against  physicians,  one  cannot  help 
but  think  him  guilty  of  a  vast  amount  of  brazen 
effrontery  when  he  wr-'es  in  his  first  book  of  "  In- 
vectives:" "//  zvill  be  found  that  I  have  said 
naught  against  medicine  nor  true  physicians.  I  have 
only,  on  the  contrary,  spoken  in  favor  of  Hippocrates 
against  those  enemies  who  decried  his  doctrines.''^ 

2  "  De  remediis  utriusque  fortuna."  An 
anonymous  author  was  inspired  by  this  work  to 
issue,  in  1673,  the  "  Entretiens  de  Petrarque  sur 
la  bonne  et  mauvaise  fortune."  The  author  of 
this,  as  evidenced  by  many  passages  of  his  book, 
written  in  old  French  and  unworthy  of  English 
translation  on  account  of  vulgarity,  shows  himself 
to  have  been  a  close  imitator  of  Petrarch,  as  well 
as  a  follower  of  the  Italian  poet's  prejudices 
against  doctors. 

3  Allusion  is  here  made  to  the  aphorism  of 
Hippocrates,  i.e.,  Ars  longa,  vita  brevis,  meaning 


48 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


LETTER  FROM  PETRARCH  TO  POPE 
CLEMENT  VL(^) 

The  announcement  of  your  fever,  most 
Blessed  Father,  has  caused  me  a  trembling 
and  chill  in  all  my  members.  (^)  I  do  not 
say  this  to  flatter  you  nor  to  imitate  that 
satirical  writer  who  says:  ''He  weeps  if 
he  sees  the  tears  of  his  friends,"  and  yet 
again  remarks,  ''I  suffocate  when  he 
sighs,"  but  shall  rather  imitate  one  spoken 
of  by  Cicero,  who  feared  for  the  health  of 
the  Roman  people  because  his  own  was  in- 
volved therewith.  My  life  and  that  of 
many  others  depends  on  yours.  My 
trembling  is  thus  far  from  being  simulated, 
and,  believe  me,  it  is  not  the  peril  of 
others  that  so  much  troubles  me,  as  that  of 
my  individual  self.  We,  who  depend  on 
you,  who  trust  in  you  even  when  you  are 
sick,  must  assume  an  air  of  contentment, 
but  we  are  truly  unhappy.  Nevertheless, 
it  is  always  fitting  to  be  brief,  and,  above 
all,  under  such  circumstances,  to  shorten  a 
discourse  destined  to  reach  Divine  ears 
through  the  intermediary  of  a  human 
mouth.     1  shall  say  but  a  few  words,  Holy 

the  life  of  man  is  short  and  the  art  of  healing  re 
quires  long  experience. 

1  The  unedited  translation  of  this  letter,  and 
the  extracts  that  follow,  are  now,  it  is  believed, 
rendered  into  English  for  the  first  time. 

2  During  this  illness  Clement  VI.  escaped 
from  the  assiduous  care  of  no  less  than  eight  phy- 
sicians. A  satirical  poet  of  the  time  attributes  this 
miracle  to  a  vow  made  by  the  Pope  to  the  Virgin 
Mary  : 

"Questo  e  un  voto  che  Papa  Clemente 
A  questa  nostra  Donna  a  sodisfatto, 
Perche  da  otto  Medici  ad  un  tratto 
Lo  libero,  miracolosamente. 

Which  means  in  English  that  a  vow  made  by 
Pope  Clement  was  given  to  the  Virgin  Mary  be- 
cause she  had  miraculously  saved  him  from  the 
doctoring  of  eight  over-attentive  physicians. 


Father,  and  bow,  in  spirit,  full  of  love  and 
veneration,  at  your  feet. 

I  know  full  well  that  your  bed  is  be- 
sieged by  physicians,  hence,  my  extreme 
fear.  They  are  all,  in  fact,  of  contrary 
minds,  those  who  have  nothing  new  to  say 
being  ashamed  to  follow  in  the  footsteps  of 
the  others.  As  Pliny  has  elegantly  re- 
marked, "  Doubtless,  all  these  gentlemen 
wish  to  make  a  name  and  great  reputation 
by  means  of  some  medical  novelty.  They 
traffic  with  our  lives,  and  in  no  trade  more 
than  theirs  is  there  less  importance  in  what 
they  say,  for  they  cannot  be  believed  under 
oath,  and  no  other  set  of  men  are  as  lying 
as  physicians  and  at  the  same  time  more 
dangerous.  We  would  not  regard  them 
except  for  the  sweetness  of  hope  for  our- 
selves. Besides,  there  is  no  law  that  pun- 
ishes an  ignorance  whose  effects  induce 
death  ;  there  is  not  an  instance  where  they 
have  been  fittingly  chastised.  They  ac- 
quire the  little  of  the  healing  art  they  have 
at  our  expense ;  our  deaths  constitute  their 
experience.  Only  the  doctor  has  the  right 
to  kill  a  man  with  impunity." 

Most  Holy  Father,  regard  this  mul- 
titude of  medical  advisers  as  enemies 
ranged  in  battle  array ;  I  warn  you  to  be 
on  your  guard,  remembering  the  epitaph 
of  that  unfortunate  who  ordered  that  the 
words  '■'■Idiedfrom  too  many physicians^^  be 
inscribed  on  his  sepulchre.  The  prophecy 
of  Marcus  Cato  the  Elder  seems  applicable 
to  this  age:  ''When  the  Greeks  have  in- 
vaded us  with  their  literature,  and  especially 
with  their  doctors,  all  of  us  will  be  cor- 
rupted." But,  while  we  dare  not  live 
without  doctors,  other  more  healthy  nations 
live  better  without  them.  The  Roman 
people  themselves  for  a  long  period  of 
time,  and  at  their  most  flourishing  epochs, 
according  to  the  testimony  of  Pliny,  existed 
for  more  than  six  hundred  years  without 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


49 


medical  aid,  except  that  on  one  occasion 
it  had  a  single  physician,  whose  beautiful 
language,  science  and  justice  led  him  to 
be  recommended.  But  the  medical  men, 
in  time,  forgot  their  profession,  desiring  by 
craft  to  escape  trom  proscription.  They 
wandered  afoot  through  the  groves  of 
poesy  and  the  flowery  fields  of  rhetoric,  as 
though  their  pretensions  were  not  to  cure, 
but  to  convince ;  they  disputed  with  loud 
voices  around  the  couches  of  the  sick  and 
before  the  very  eyes  of  the  dying,  tangling 
with  Ciceronian  meshes  the  Hippocratic 
skeins,  even  taking  pride  in  the  fatal  issues 
that  gave  them  glory,  not  from  material 
results,  but  from  the  vain  elegance  of  their 
words. 

For  fear  that  such  physicians  only 
imagine  that  I  have  invented  what  may  be 
said  of  them  to-day,  I  would  refer  them  to 
the  name  of  Pliny  as  being  a  person  who 
has  written  some  little  of  medicine  and 
much  of  doctors,  and  has  told  more  truths 
than  any  person  else ;  in  this  letter,  I  have 
taken  him  for  my  guide.  It  is  he  who 
speaks  thus  :  ''  It  is  averred  that  as  soon 
as  one  of  them  is  distinguished  by  his 
beautiful  talk  he  becomes  the  arbiter  of  our 
lives  and  our  deaths." 

But  the  fear  that  I  am  pushing  my  pen 
and  drifting  afar  leads  me  to  shorten  my 
remarks.  To  conclude  :  If  a  physician 
excels  not  by  his  prudence,  but  by  his 
elocutionary  powers,  avoid  him  as  you 
would  a  hired  assassin  laymg  an  ambush 
for  your  life  as  a  prisoner.  It  is  to  such 
that  may  be  rightly  addressed  the  words  of 
the  old  man  Plautus  to  a  certain  loqua- 
cious cook  :  '*  Go  away  !  they  have  given 
thee  here  leave  to  work  and  not  to  be  a 
wind-blabber."  Now,  take  good  care  of 
yourself,  and  that  which  will  most  marvel- 
ously  aid  the  health  of  the  body — keep  up 
hope  and  be  in  good  humor  if  you  can — 


as  your  safety  and  ours,  with  that  of  the 
Church,  which  is  sick  with  us,  depends 
thereon.     May  you  recover.  (^) 

INVECTIVES    AGAINST    A    FRENCH 
PHYSICIAN. 

Of  the  author^ s  intention;  why  he  has  been 
forced  to  write.  He  asks  the  reader  to 
excuse  if  he  has  written  in  any  other 
fashion  than  has  been  his  habit, 

CHAPTER  I. 

Whoever  thou  mayest  be,  who  from 
thine  obtrusive  barkings  hast  forced  me  to 
resume  mine  pen,  until  now  left  in  repose, 
and  who  hath  awakened,  so  to  speak,  the 
drowsy  lion,  thou  wilt  see  that  there  are 
other  things  to  be  used  than  a  slandering 
tongue  that  assaults  the  good  name  of 
another ;  behold  one  able  to  defend  him- 
self when  armed  and  in  the  right.  I  avow 
the  struggle  between  us  is  unlawful ;  thou 
hast  stabbed  me,  and  I  have  not  been  able 
to  return  the  stroke.  What  renown  could 
I  have,  however,  in  combating  an  infa- 
mous and  mercenary  tradesman  ?  We  do 
not  contend  for  wealth  or  for  empire; 
honor  is  the  only  cause  for  action  in  the 
case,  and  thou  well  knowest,  without  need 
of  recalling  that  fact  to  thee,  in  what  indi- 
gence and  nakednesis  thou  art  in  this  re- 
spect when  thou  endeavorest  to  oblige  me 
to  lower  mineself  to  a  level  I  have  never 
descended  to  and  forced  me  to  respond, 
for  fear  lest  mine  remaming  mute  to  thine 
attacks  might  arouse  contempt,  and  thou 
couldst  plume  thineself  on  mine  silence, 
after  being  excused  by  me.  So  I  shall  re- 
ply to  some  few  only  of  thine  assertions  \ 


I  This  letter,  addressed  to  the  Pope,  protest- 
ing against  the  number  of  physicians,  caused  a 
medical  diatribe  to  be  launched  against  the  poet, 
to  which  Petrarch  responded  in  one  of  his  four 
*'  Invectives." 


50 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


yet  only  those  worthy  of  a  response  shall 
be  answered. 

CHAPTER    III. 

For  mineself,  and  I  have  not  forgotten 
it,  I  censured  not  the  occupation  of  physi- 
cians, but  those  who  practice  the  same, 
and  not  all  of  these,  but  those  impudent 
pretenders  —  those  who  always  differ  in 
opinion  from  others.  Strange  thing,  for- 
sooth !  as  if  thou  couldst  render  justice 
from  the  bottom  of  thine  soul ;  thou  and 
many  others,  thou  art  but  angered  and  ex- 
asperated. I  cannot  tell  what  this  signifies. 
One  can  attack  philosophers  of  stupidity, 
one  can  harass  poets  without  rhyme,  one 
can  mock  orators  without  art,  but  never 
Plato  nor  Aristotle,  never  Homer  nor  Vir- 
gil, never  Cicero  nor  Demosthenes  would 
be  included  in  the  number ;  but  when  one 
attacks  useless  and  ignorant  physicians,  all 
the  profession  trembles  with  delirious  wrath. 
That  of  which  I  doubted  nothing  before,  a 
little  epistle  has  awakened ;  I  said  in  this 
missive  some  particular  things.  Are  none 
among  them  exempt  from  a  common 
stigma?  I  cannot  believe  this,  for  I  do 
not  despair  finding  some  physician  who 
will  wholly  approve  all  that  I  have  written 
and  that  which  remains  to  be  said — one 
true  doctor  who  will  find  his  own  eulogy 
in  the  infamy  inflicted  on  the  undeserving 
of  his  profession,  and  who,  I  am  fully  per- 
suaded, is  remarked  by  all  good  souls  who 
rejoice  in  belonging  to  the  select  few  of 
physicians.  If  such  were  not  mine  convic- 
tion, I  could  not,  following  the  words  I 
used,  have  advised  the  Pope  to  choose  a 
single  medical  man  from  the  large  num- 
ber in  attendance,  not  one  who  indulged 
in  flowery  flights  of  rhetoric,  but  rather 
one  of  undoubted  science  and  medical 
skill.  Rest  assured,  whoever  thou  art,  thou 
wast  not  this  man,  for  if  thou  wast  not  one 


contented  with  the  quarrels  and  ignorance 
of  thine  profession  thou  wouldst  never 
have  written  me  so  insulting  and  impudent 
a  letter.  Thou  hast  been  touched  to  th< 
quick;  hence  thou  hast  cried  out 
loudly. 

CHAPTER    IV. 

Now,  that  thou  hast  denied  that  physi- 
cians are  in  full  disagreement  among  them- 
selves, behold,  this  is  the  universal  com 
plaint  of  all  the  human  race !  Would  tc 
Heaven  it  were  not  so!  I  should  hav( 
better  loved  to  have  lied,  if  it  were  pos 
sible  to  be  deceived  in  this  matter, 
should  have  better  loved  to  be  wholly  in 
error  than  to  have  said  that  thousands  of 
men  were  placed  under  disagreemg  domi- 
nation such  as  is  found  in  the  variable  un- 
certainties of  physicians.  Thou  pretendest 
that  in  the  last  sickness  of  the  Sovereign 
Pontiff  thou  wert  all  agreed.  Pay  attention. 
I  beseech  thee  not  to  lie,  although  it  is 
thine  daily  professional  custom ;  lie  not,  es- 
pecially before  so  many  witnesses  !  Truth 
herself  will  cover  thee  with  confusion ! 
Perhaps  after  the  health  of  our  Holy 
Father  was  re  established  thou  did'st  agree ; 
this  no  one  doubts;  but  the  Pope  would 
have  convalesced  much  sooner  if  he  had 
lived,  during  the  time  of  his  sickness,  at 
the  most  remote  portion  of  India,  far  away 
from  his  many  doctors.  Oh  !  if  that  of 
which  the  presage  gives  me  horror  (for 
though  t^e  Vicar  of  God  immortal  is,  he  is 
mortal  in  himself),  if  he  had  paid  the 
ordinary  debt  to  Nature,  in  what  profound 
and  confused  disagreements  all  his  medical 
attendants  would  have  fallen;  how  they 
would  have  differed  as  to  his  pulse,  his 
secretions,  his  critical  day,  and — the  reme- 
dies !  Heaven  and  earth  would  have  been 
discordant  with  medical  clamor,  ignorant 
as  ye  all  were  even  of  the  cause  of  his 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


51 


disease.  Unhappy  are  the  mortals  who  fall 
sick  and  confide  their  lives  to  the  doctor's 
care !  Christ,  in  whose  hands  is  the  salva- 
tion of  man,  saved  his  Holiness  in  spite  of 
his  physicians.  Ah !  ignorant  ones,  I  be- 
seech Divine  aid  to  keep  his  Holiness  as 
long  as  it  may  be  necessary,  as  well  for 
himself  as  for  the  good  of  the  Church  that 
he  governs.  Ye  seek  to  appropriate  that 
which  comes  from  God,  the  merit  of 
which  too  belongs  to  complexion  and  tem- 
perament. Ye  endeavor  to  make  the  world 
believe  that  ye  have  saved  the  Pope  from 
Death ;  now  that  danger  is  past  ye  agree 
on  this  point ! 

Thine  effrontery  would  force  me  to 
speak  of  thee  in  verses  and  to  give  thee 
embalment  for  future  ages,  if  thou  wert 
not  unworthy  of  being  transmitted  through 
mineself  to  posterity,  and  thus  have  an 
abiding  place  in  mine  works.  But  why 
speak  of  color  to  the  blind,  why  endeavor 
to  make  the  deaf  hear  ?  Accomplish  thine 
desires  mechanically,  I  pray  thee.  Cure  if 
thou  canst;  if  not,  kill  all  who  apply  to 
thee  and  demand  thine  fees  when  they  be 
slain.  No  king,  no  emperor  would  dare 
do  as  much :  to  thee  alone,  arbiter  of  life 
and  death,  as  thou  art  pleased  to  call 
thineself,  all  this  is  conceded  blindly  by 
the  human  species.  Continue  to  use  thine 
baleful  privilege.  Thou  hast  done  well  to 
give  thineself  up  to  ditrade  so  full  of  security. 
If  thine  patient  escape,  he  owes  thee  life ; 
if  he  should  die,  thou  art  indebted  to  him 
alone  as  the  experience  is  acquired  at  his 
expense.  Death  is  the  fault  of  Nature — it 
is  the  fault  of  the  disease ;  life  is  a  benefit 
bestowed  only  by  thee.(0     Socrates  was 

I  "  On  guerit,  c'est  notre  art;  on  meurt,  c'est 
la  Nature,"  is  an  expression  used  by  Casimir 
Delavigne  in  "  La  Princesse  Amelie ;  "  or,  to  ren- 
der in  English  :  "They  cure,  it  is  their  art  j  they 
kill,  it  is  Nature. 


then  right  in  saying,  on  hearing  that  a 
painter  had  turned  doctor:  '*  It  is  prudent 
for  him  to  have  thus  acted :  he  leaves  a 
trade  whose  faults  are  displayed  before 
one's  eyes  to  take  a  trade  where  a  little 
earth  covers  every  blunder.  "(^) 

CHAPTER  VI. 

I  cannot  agree  with  the  marvelous  re- 
sults said  to  be  attained  by  physicians. 
What  results?  I  ask  thee  this  question.  It 
is  only  by  chance  that  thou  art  not  placed 
among  the  modern  marvels,  for  thou  art 
said  to  be  sick  oftener  than  other  men. 
Thou  appearest  in  thine  trade  to  be  ever 
unwell.  In  the  midst  of  immense  popula- 
tions thine  visage  alone  would  suffice,  by 
its  lividity,  to  indicate  thine  medical  call- 
ing:  from  whence  the  proverb,  **  He  has 
a  doctor's  complexion,"  a  remark  made 
when  we  see  a  person  with  a  yellow  tinted 
and  withered  aspect.  It  is  a  small  miracle 
to  promise  those  in  health  a  physical  con- 
dition not  enjoyed  by  thineself.  Yes,  it 
would  certainly  be  a  miracle  if  thou  strov- 
est  to  he  only  feebly.  Perhaps  another 
marvelous  result  noticeable  is  that  whoever 
constantly  give  themselves  up  to  the  doc- 
tor's care  are  never  known  to  feel  well. 
Such  are  the  results,  not  only  marvelous, 
but  absolutely  stupefying,  obtained  by 
physicians.  Mind,  I  do  not  speak  of  all, 
but  of  the  many,  and  of  thineself  in  par- 
ticular. 

CHAPTER    XI.(») 

I  abandon  all  the  art  of  lying  to  doc- 


1  This  is  the  same  idea  as  that  emitted  by 
Nicoles,  slightly  modified.  See  preceding  notes 
on  this  author, 

2  These  extracts  from  the  different  "  Invec- 
tives" of  the  irate  poet  are,  it  will  be  noticed,  a 
continuation  of  the  same  diatribe.  They  are  only 
given  as  examples  of  early  Italian  satire  on  medi- 
cine. 


52 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


tors,  although  falsehood  may  be  of  the 
most  serious  character  and  those  who  com- 
mit the  same  do  so  to  the  detriment  and 
supreme  peril  of  the  over-credulous.  If 
thou  believest  me  not  question  the  com- 
munity of  mortals;  it  has  passed  as  an 
aphorism  to  such  a  point  that  when  one 
knows  how  to  lie  cleverly  it  is  said,  "Thou 
Hest  like  a  doctor !  " 

SECOND    BOOK. — CHAPTER    I. 

Thou  owest  me  eternal  thanks ;  with 
muteness,  the  man  deprived  of  tongue  like 
thou  art,  I  have  made  of  thee  a  babbler  and 
a  clown.  O  !  very  voluble  disciple  of  Hip- 
pocrates! Thou  knowest  not  all  that  for 
which  mine  pen  is  indebted  to  thee.  I 
have  well  written  thee  up  in  prose,  soon  I 
shall  immortalize  thee  in  verse,  in  lispings; 
I  will  compose  for  thee  hyms  of  touching 
praise.  (^)  Our  Age  may  indeed  have  had 
a  prodigy — a  man  given  to  a  manual  occu 
pation  has  striven  to  write  a  book.  Who 
will  now  permit  Roscius  to  write  another 
treatise?  He,  so  practiced  in  manual  labor. 
But  it  was  not  remarkable  that  he  ac- 
quired by  his  talents  the  high  favor  of  the 
greatest  personages,  even  the  friendship  of 
Cicero  himself.  He  charmed  our  eyes; 
thou,  by  a  different  method,  hast  scorched 
mine  ears.  He  forced  all  the  world  to  be 
pleased  with  him;  thou  hath  pleased  no 
one.  Who  would  now  indignate  at  seeing 
an  A  pic' us,  master  of  the  culinary  art, 
write  the  precepts  of  his  profession  ?  Why 
not  write  in  kitchens,  as  is  permitted  thee 
to  write  filth  on  privy  walls  and  ceilings  ? 
Kitchens  and  privies  have  a  close  relation- 
ship, as  both  their  names  do  indicate. 
Why  not  write  a  book  in  the  midst  of  thine 
defecating   festivals  ?    Or  compose  it  with 

I  In  the  interval  between  the  first  and  second 
books  of  "Invectives,"  the  physician  attacked 
responded  by  another  libel  on  the  poet. 


the    dribbling   sound   of    urine    to    assist 
thee? 

CHAPTER   II. 

Thou  art,  it  is  said,  a  physician,  and 
consequently  a  philosopher.  Thou  hast 
heard  of  Apollo,  inventor  of  medicine,  and 
of  ^sculapius,  who  so  improved  the  art. 
Thou  hast,  no  doubt,  heard  of  Pythagoras, 
the  first  of  all  who  assumed  the  name  of 
medical  philosopher.  Weep,  ye  inventors 
of  this  art !  Behold,  a  modern  ass  crowned 
with  wreaths  of  herbs  has  entered  your 
territory,  who  not  only  declares  himself 
to  be  a  philosopher,  but  boasts  of  this 
philosophy  !  "  Our  philosophy,"  says  he. 
'■'■  Behold  it !  "  We  hear  these  words  and 
then  approach,  fearing  the  worst,  even  the 
end  of  the  world,  for  it  is  written,  ''There 
shall  be  signs  in  the  sun,  in  the  moon,  in 
the  stars ;  "  but  the  Evangelist  forgot  to 
add,  "When  an  ass  becomes  a  philosopher 
the  Heavens  shall  fall." 

CHAPTER    XVII. 

Now,  I  assert  that  thou  art  an  huppe,  (*) 
which  is  more  philosophical,  perhaps,  than 
an  ass.  Certainly  the  Platonic  Apuleius, 
whom  I  have  mentioned  in  one  of  my 
Invectives,  after  having  absorbed  a  philter, 
believed,  or  feigned  to  believe,  himself, 
as  Saint  Augustine  contends,  changed  into 
an  ass;  and,  remembering  this  metamor- 
phosis, thou  mayest  philosophize ;  no  his- 
tory ever  before  mentioned  an  ass  philoso- 
pher. So,  huppe,  thou  canst  do  as  thou  art 
accustomed  to  doing.  Go,  carrion  thine- 
self  among  the  tombs;  go  and  ordure 
thineself  in  other  filthy  things  and  leave 
true  philosophy  to  real  philosophers.  Thou 

I  The  huppe  was  a  bird  that  sought  its  sus- 
tenance in  ordure,  from  whence  the  proverb, 
'■^sale  comme  tine  hupped  This  bird  had  the  habit 
of  not  knowing  its  own  excrement  from  that  of 
other  living  things. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors, 


53 


believest  thineself  to  be  a  philosopher; 
do  not  deceive  thineself.  A  philosopher, 
as  the  name  indicates,  is  a  man  who 
loves  wisdom  ;  as  for  thee,  thou  art  the 
slave  of  gold.  Thou  shouldst  logically  feel 
these  to  be  contrary  things,  without  great 
stretch  of  imagination.  I  conclude  thou 
art  wholly  another  thing  from  what  thou 
thinkest. 

CHAPTER    XVIII. 

To  what  dreams  willst  thou  not  dare  to 
indulge  in  thine  philosophizing,  thou  who 
fearest  not  to  treat  us  blindly;  canst  thou 
deny  the  confession  of  doctors  or  imbeciles 
if  thou  endeavorest  to  justify  thineself? 
Thou  hast  commenced  by  denying  their 
death-like  pallor,  as  though  thou  hast  not 
eyes,  or  as  if  thou  hast  not  a  mirror. 
Then,  admitting  this  paleness,  thou  im- 
putest  it  to  the  care  and  anxiety  the  medi- 
cal profession  have  for  their  clients  ;  and, 
not  content  with  this  excuse,  thou  under- 
takest  to  justify  it,  paleness  being,  sayest 
thou,  a  philosophic  attribute. 

Good  God !  What  can  be  sweeter  to 
true  sages  than  the  title  of  philosopher, 
for,  although  this  title  may  be  falsely  as- 
sumed, thou  claimest,  with  other  curious 
pleasantries,  that  thou  hast  the  real  pale 
complexion  of  the  true  philosopher  !  Cer- 
tain it  is  that  the  master  of  amours  attrib- 
utes this  palish  cast  of  countenance  to 
lovers,  whence  those  verses, 

"  Every  lover  should  be  pale, 

As  'tis  the  proper  color  of  a  lover." 

And  yet  another  poet  observes,(^) 

♦♦  The  paleness  of  the  lover  sowed  with  violets." 

But  thine  paleness  in  thee  is  something 
far  different,  when  'tis  known  from  what  it 
springeth.     This  paleness  is  not  from  me, 


see  '•  Odes  of  Horace,"  book  III. 


it  is  not  that  of  an  isolated  writer  among 
the  ancients  that  attributes  it  to  thee ;  it  is 
the  reality,  it  is  public  opmion,  it  is  the 
scandal  of  the  public  streets.  Wouldst 
deny  this  ?  Now,  the  most  illustrious  phi- 
losophers among  the  Greeks,  as  well  as 
Latins,  had  most  beautitul  complexions  and 
faces,  as  is  known  to  all  the  world.  But 
thou  art  not  a  philosopher,  save  from  the 
erroneous  opinion  that  thou  might  be  one. 
Cease,  then;  thine  care  for  the  public  in- 
terests, and  accuse  thine  own  cupidity  for 
being  what  thou  art ;  do  not  reproach  thine 
paleness  as  being  the  result  of  thine  hard 
studies,  but  rather  attribute  it  to  the  habits 
of  thine  life.  Thou  who  frequentest  noto- 
rious places  — gloomy,  fetid,  malarious; 
thou  bathest  in  basins  where  matter  over- 
flows;  thou  inspectest  the  urine  of  thine 
patients  and  dream  only  of  gold  ;  it  is  not 
surprising,  then,  that  living  in  feculent 
matters,  greenish,  blackish  and  yellow, 
thou  art  thineself,  in  complexion,  of  the 
same  divine  color.  Q 


2  We  find  other  explanations  relative  to  this 
subject  in  "  Les  Medecins  a  la  Censure,"  or  "  En- 
tretiens  sur  la  Medecine,"  by  a  French  physician 
of  Besancon,  as  witness  the  following  passage  : 
Meantime,  adds  Clean  thes  I  cannot  really 
understand  how  the  majority  of  these  languishing 
and  half-dead  creatures  can  have  the  face  to  call 
themselves  doctors  and  relate  to  us  the  marvelous 
cases  they  have  cured.  Notice  how  their  features 
mostly  seem  afflicted  with  dementia  in  their  pro- 
found discourses.  Do  they  not  comprehend  thai 
all  the  intelligent  world  understands  their  mum- 
mery, when  one  can  say  to  their  very  noses  thai 
ancient  proverb,  ''Physician  heal  thyself?''  In 
truth,  even  Sosander  was  himself  sometime.^ 
ashamed  at  this  sarcastic  raillery.  It  has  been 
said  that  it  takes  such  kinds  of  long  and  solemn 
faces  to  frighten  man  and  make  him  sick,  so  that 
one  can  thus  secure  practice.  Another  writer  has 
said  :  '■'■As  doctors  are  the  fathers  of  Death,  so  77iusl 
they  ivear  a  solemn  livery:'  It  has  also  been  re 
marked  that  "  Physicians  are  pale  owing  to  the 
reproach    of  conscieBce;    they   have    committed 


54 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


Epistles  concerning  Old  Age.Q^ 

PETRARCH    TO    BOCCACCIO. 

Thou  hast  written  me,  I  know  not 
when,  since  I  have  lost  the  date  and  all 
memories  connected  therewith,  that  thou 
hast  been  gravely  ill,  but  that,  thanks  to 
the  doctors  and  the  help  of  God,  thou  hast 
been  cured.  I  am  astonished  that  such  a 
vulgar  error  as  a  belief  in  medical  art  hath 
penetrated  thine  mind.  God  and  thine 
own  good  temperament  have  saved  thee. 

Rome  would  have  retained  its  great- 
ness and  have  remained  what  it  was  in 
former  days  had  it  ignored  its  doctors. 
Cato,  who  was  a  Sage,  foresaw  the  result 
of  a  medical  plague  and  enjoined  mankind 
to  avoid  the  consequences  thereof;  but 
this  poor  Globe  of  ours  paid  no  attention 
to  his  useful  advice,  which  is  the  common 
fate  of  all  truth,  and  physicians  invaded  us. 

Behold  the  splendor  of  the  doctor's 
raiment,  where  luxury  usurps  the  place  of 

many  homicides."  Some,  again,  think  that  the 
perfume  of  the  bilious  excrements  and  the  color 
of  the  same  is  observable  on  the  face  of  each  dig- 
nified ^sculapian.  Others,  finally,  insist  that  the 
visage  of  the  average  doctor  is  the  veritable  fades 
Hyppocraticam.  An  ancient  aphorism  was,  '^'•He 
has  a  doctor's  face, ^''  this  being  applied  to  every 
man  whose  visage  was  pale  and  thin.  It  is  true, 
nevertheless,  that  in  order  to  indicate  one  in  per- 
fectly robust  health  another  proverb  said,  '■'■He 
hath  the  health  of  Galen.''''  Such  has  been  from 
ancient  times  the  logical  contradiction  of  the  wis- 
dom of  various  nations. 

I  Only  extracts  from  this  missive  are  trans- 
lated, and  for  full  rendering  from  Latin  into 
French  the  reader  is  referred  to  G.  J.  Witkowski. 
Petrarch's  dislike  for  doctors  probably  arose  from 
the  death  of  his  beloved  Laura,  who  perished  of 
the  plague  on  April  ist,  1348;  when,  as  Petrarch 
observes,  '•  Her  chaste  and  beautiful  body  was 
buried  the  same  day,  after  Vespers,  in  the  Church 
of  the  Cordeliers." 


ordinary  vestments,  and  robes  of  purple 
and  fur-lined  gowns  adorn  their  persons. 
They  wear  glittering  rings  with  precious 
stones,  (^)  with  spurs  of  virgin  metal. 

They  drive  horses  of  milky  whiteness 
with  chariots  of  silver  and  harnesses  of 
gold;  but  all  the  world  cannot  kill  five 
thousand  men,  the  figure  required  to  attain 
this  triumph. 

Behold  the  credulity  of  patients,  whose 
only  desire  is  to  recover  health,  which 
doctors  most  impudently  promise  them. 
Apollo  they  misrepresent  in  person. 

The  Ancients  triumphed  in  killing  their 
enemies;  those  that  the  doctors  kill  are 
our  own  citizens  and  friends.  In  antique 
times  the  warriors  wore  armor ;  these  phy- 
sicians are  clad  in  togas.  Another  simi- 
larity, between  physicians  and  warriors, 
those  who  had  slaughtered  the  most  men 
were  always  regarded  as  the  most  illustri- 
ous, while  those  doctors  who  attempt  the 
most  dangerous  and  doubtful  experiments 
become  the  chiefs  of  all  others  and  are 
pointed  at  with  pride  by  the  World.  *'  He 
has  seen  much,"  cry  the  fools.  **  He  is  a 
doctor  who  experiments  largely."  There 
are  none  others  save  murderers  who  ac- 
quire such  brazen  assurance  from  long-con- 
tinued habits. 


I  A  Spanish  epigram  of  the  same  period 
makes  allusion  to  the  habit  that  physicians  had  of 
wearing  jewelry : 

En  el  dedo  de  un  Dottor 
Engastado  in  oro  vi 
Un  finissimo  rubi, 
Perche  es  siempre  este  color 
El  antidoto  meior 
Contra  la  melancholia. 

Or  as  rendered  into  English  :  "I  saw  a  fine  ruby 
set  in  gold  upon  a  doctor's  finger.  This  is  be- 
cause a  red  color  is  the  best  antidote  against 
melancholy." 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


55 


One  doctor  pretends  that  it  is  neces- 
sary to  abstain  from  fruit,  another  from 
vegetables,  without  which  in  this  soft 
Italian  climate  all  nourishment  would  be 
wanting.  Why  should  our  agriculturists 
seek  edible  plants  from  other  climates,  if 
these  plants  are  to  become  injurious  to 
those  who  use  them  ? 

These  so-called  ''Secretaries  of  Na- 
ture," these  gentlemen  who  ignore  noth- 
ing, abominate  in  others  what  they  do 
themselves.  One  of  them  even  con- 
demned water  most  cruelly,  inasmuch  as 
he  indulged  in  that  famous  epigram,  "  I 
find  no  use  for  water,  unless  it  may  be 
taken  in  acute  fevers."  O  noble  aphorism ! 
I  cannot  believe  this,  inasmuch  as  even 
during  winter  nights  I  drink  cold  water  in 
great  quantities,  and  could  not  live  with- 
out it.  (1) 

I  once  heard  a  physician  of  great  re- 
nown among  us  express  himself  in  the  fol- 
lowing terms  :  "I  cannot  ignore  the  fact 
that  I  shall  be  treated  as  an  ingrate  if  I 
lied  in  regard  to  an  art  by  means  of  which 
I  have  acquired  riches  and  many  friends, 
but  truth  should  be  placed  above  all  affec- 
tion. I  solemnly  affirm  and  believe,  if  a 
hundred  or  a  thousand  of  men  of  the  same 
age,  same  temperament  and  habits,  to- 
gether with  the  same  surroundings,  were 
attacked  at  the  same  time  by  the  same  dis- 


I  We  may  recall  the  response  made  by  Hip- 
pocrates to  a  person  who  was  boasting  that  he 
had  attained  an  old  age  without  the  aid  of  ph\si- 
cians.  "It  is,"  said  the  medical  philosopher, 
"  because  you  have  followed  a  diet  prescribed  for 
you  by  doctors."  Petrarch  was  very  temperate  in 
his  habils,  and  drank  only  water,  prescribing  for 
himself  and  others,  however,  a  bleeding  with 
every  change  of  Season.  He  derived  from  the 
profession  he  villified  with  so  much  malice  all  the 
information  wherewith  to  keep  good  health  and 
prolong  his  life. 


ease,  that  if  the  one  half  followed  the  pre- 
scriptions of  doctors  of  the  variety  of  those 
practicing  at  the  present  day,  and  that  the 
other  half  took  no  medicine  but  relied  on 
Nature's  instincts,  I  have  no  doubt  as  to 
which  half  would  escape.*' 

I  once  said  to  a  doctor,  and  a  famous 
man  of  letters  at  that,  with  whom  I  was 
dining,  that  I  was  astonished  that  he  used 
foods  other  than  those  whose  use  he  pre- 
scribed, and  he  answered  me  with  a  most 
imperturbable  face  and  without  hesitancy : 
"  If  a  physician  conformed  his  manner  of 
living  to  his  prescriptions  or  his  prescrip- 
tions to  his  manner  of  living  he  would  run 
the  risk  of  losing  his  health  or  his  fortune." 
A  man  who  cannot  see  the  force  ot  this 
maxim  is  an  arrant  fool. 

I  once  heard  a  doctor  of  great  renown, 
and  really  of  profound  erudition,  not  only 
in  medicine,  but  many  other  scienres  that 
threw  me  into  close  intimacy  with  him, 
answer  my  question  as  to  why  he  did  not 
practice  medicme,  thus  imitating  a  host  ol 
men  who  were  his  inferiors,  in  the  following 
words  :  "I  fear  to  commit  an  impiety  in  the 
sight  of  God,  who  is  witness  of  all  earthly 
actions.  I  cannot  connive  at  a  fraud  that 
costs  the  lives  of  the  credulous  vulgar.  If 
people  knew  as  well  as  I  how  many  times 
their  physician  is  hardly  above  mediocrity, 
knowing  nothing  of  the  disease,  and 
oftener  still,  really  doing  injury  to  the  pa- 
tient, our  present  quota  of  doctors  would  be 
considerably  less  in  numbers,  and  much 
less  well  paid.  Most  follow  it  as  a  trade 
with  hardened  hearts,  preying  on  the  cred 
ulity  of  the  sick.  They  abuse  the  simplic- 
ity of  such  unfortunates  whom  they 
promise  life,  and  then  destroy  for  pay.  As 
for  me,  I  desire  to  deceive  or  kill  no  one, 
and  will  not  enrich  myself  at  the  price  of 
misfortune." 


56 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


I  formerly  numbered  among  my  friends 
several  real  physicians,  but  to-day,  I  have 
only  four  medical  friends  left;  one  at 
Venice,  one  at  Milan  and  two  at  Padua ; 
all  learned  and  pleasant  gentlemen ;  all  re- 
markably good  talkers,  discussing  with 
warmth,  perorating  with  a  vehemence  or 
with  mildness,  and  they  could  kill  you 
so  gently  that  you  would  excuse  them. 
They  have  Aristotle,  Cicero  and  Seneca  at 
their  tongues'  end,  and  will  attract  you  with 
their  classical  knowledge.  They  also 
quote  Virgil.  I  know  not  by  what  strange 
and  peculiar  chance  these  men  know  more 
of  all  other  arts  than  that  of  medicine. 
The  physicians  of  whom  I  have  spoken,  I 
receive  as  friends^  when  I  am  sick — never 
as  doctors.  (^) 

BOOK  XII. — EPISTLE  II. 

Addressed    to    Giovanni    {Jean  Dondi),    of 
Padua^  an  E?ntnent  Physician. 

The  object  of  medicine  is  the  restora- 
tion of  health,  I  suppose,  and  not  the 
grace  of  language ;  the  duty  of  the  physi- 
cian is  to  cure,  and  not  to  perorate  as  to 
how  Hippocrates  and  others  healed  people. 
We  are  ignorant,  at  least  we  are  forced  to 
add  faith  to  what  is  said  by  Galen,  his 
disciple,  who  exalted  him  above  the  clouds, 
where  it  was  believed  that  ^sculapius 
resuscitated  Hippolytus  from  the  dead. 
Whatever  opinion  we  may  have  of  the 
Ancients  who  lived  in  remote  times  and 
places,  think  as  you  will,  I  speak  only  of 
modern  doctors,  and  my  own  country,  and 
repeat  what  I  before  said,  that  I  have 
known  some   very   eloquent  medical  men, 

I  Louis  XIV.  one  day  said  to  Moliere,  *'  You 
have  a  doctor  who  prescribes  for  you,  have  you 
not?"  and  the  Satirist  answ^ered  :  "  We  converse 
together ;  he  prescribes  for  me ;  I  do  not  take 
hi^  medicine,  and  hence  recover." 


but  as  for  the  rest  of  their  science,  it  is 
more  polite  to  say  but  little.  I  know  not 
by  what  hazard  or  culpable  choice  they 
are  better  acquainted  with  everything  else 
than  their  own  trade.  For  all  that  cures 
mortal  maladies  none  knows  better  than 
yourself  what  wonderful  efficacy  they 
have ;  none  attack  their  ignorance  more 
than  yourself,  for  ignorance  is  odious  to  no 
one  more  than  a  real  savant.  If  I  did 
not  believe  that  of  you,  I  should  neither 
love  nor  esteem  you,  as  I  ever  have  done. 
You  maintain  silence,  nevertheless,  not 
from  magnanimity,  without  doubt,  but  from 
motives  of  prudence,  and  a  fear  of  increas- 
ing the  hatred  of  your  colleagues ;  meantime 
you  have  no  desire  to  arouse,  not  only  their 
enmity,  but  that  of  the  entire  world,  for 
fear  that  the  latter  might  arise  in  violence 
and  exclaim  :  ' '  Why  do  you  deceive  the 
human  race?  Why  abuse  the  credulity 
and  ignorance  of  mankind?  Why  sell 
poor  devils'  lies  for  the  truth?  Why,  of 
all  other  classes,  gain  a  benefit  from 
homicide,  a  crime  met  with  punishment, 
and  for  which  impunity  should  be  assured 
to  no  man  ? "  These  words  would  sound 
well  coming  with  dignity  from  your  mouth ; 
but  you  wish  to  escape  their  hatred ;  fear 
or  ignorance  will  make  others  mute.  I 
can  only  cry  out;  none  will  hear  me ;  the 
vulgar  turn  a  deaf  ear;  other  men  are  like 
you,  and  avoid  dispute.  Doctors  assassi- 
nate, and  none  are  accused,  but  assassina- 
tion is  not  sufficient ;  they  accuse  them- 
selves. With  one  it  is  cold ;  with  another 
fasting  that  kills.  Some  men  die  from 
eating  fruit,  others  from  drinking  water; 
but  what  matters  it,  they  are  dead.  None 
depart  this  life  without  their  own  great 
faults;  none  recover  without  all  the  merit 
and  honor  is  reflected  to  the  glory  of 
medicine. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


57 


POGGIO    BRACCIOLINI    (1380   to 
1459  A.D.j. 

Parallel  between  Medicine  and  Jurisprudence. 

BENEDETTO    ANSWERS    NICCOLO. 

As  Nicholas  finished,  Benedetto  d'Arez- 
zo  made  speech  as  follows:  "  Nicholas,  by 
his  slanders,  has  injured  the  dignity  of  the 
legal  fraternity  and  their  ministers.  But 
this  scorn  and  contempt  for  legislators  by 
a  physician  is  certainly  undeserved.  It  is 
surely  not  the  fault  of  the  Laws  or  of  the 
Civil  Rights  if  there  are  men  of  obtuse 
minds  and  idle  natures  who  practice  at  the 
bar  of  justice,  or  if  some  abuse  the  privi- 
lege by  right  more  than  by  reason ;  all  the 
earth  is  not  fertile,  and  even  in  among  the 
wheat  we  see  the  tares.  But,  Nicholas, 
what  think  you  of  those  who  practice  your 
own  profession?  Are  ours  more  injurious 
to  mankind?  Thanks  to  the  stupidity  of 
the  masses,  doctors  kill  more  of  the  world 
than  they  cure;  and,  at  the  risk  and  peril 
of  their  unfortunate  dupes,  they  make  ex- 
periments of  their  art.  Does  absurdity  and 
abuse  not  condemn  your  art  as  a  science? 
Our  errors,  as  you  call  them,  are  slight  in 
comparison  with  yours;  our  imbeciles, 
whom  you  have  mentioned,  do  not  deceive 
only  as  to  the  worldly  goods  and  wealth  of 
their  clients.  Yours  put  human  life  in 
eternal  danger.  Our  unworthy  ones  only 
snatch  at  mankind's  purse.  Yours  cause 
the  destruction  of  the  body  and  the  loss  of 
worldly  goods,  inasmuch  as  they  collect 
their  fees  from  those  who  manage  the 
estates  of  those  whose  lives  you  have 
taken.  Ours  only  do  injury  in  things  of 
little  importance.  Yours  injure  in  things 
of  the  most  vital  importance.  Kings, 
Princes,  Noblemen  perish  through  your 
carelessness.  Ours  only  imperil  some  lega- 
cies  and  inheritances.      Your    profession 


causes  the  complete  ruination  of  States, 
those  practicing  your  trade  being  often 
much  more  apt  to  remove  clods  of  earth 
than  to  exercise  medicine.  It  is  a  ridicu- 
lous thing  then  for  blockheads  and  boors, 
without  literature,  without  knowledge, 
without  ordinary  intelligence,  to  have  the 
unbounded  impudence  to  profess  the  sci- 
ence of  healing;  the  stupidity  of  humanity 
that  has  confidence  in  such  and  calls  them 
to  the  bedside  of  the  sick,  not  to  care  for 
them  but  to  make  the  unfortunate  more 
ill;  it  were  better  for  the  world  had  such 
men  never  been  born,  since  they  seem 
only  capable  of  losing  all.  In  our  profes- 
sion none  are  permitted  to  exercise  law  or 
to  defend  a  case  if  they  have  not  taken  all 
the  degrees  in  the  science  of  Law.  Medi- 
cine permits  the  entrance  to  the  ranks  of 
the  first  come,  all  those  of  the  masses,  the 
vulgar  herd  of  artizans  and  servants." 

FACETIOUSNESS    OF    ANGELO,   BISHOP   OF 
AREZZO,  TOWARDS   DOCTORS. 

I  desire  to  report  here  an  adventure 
that  befell  Angelo,  the  brilliant  Bishop  of 
Arezzo,  who  belonged  to  the  family  of 
Ricosoli.  He  suffered  with  a  grave  indis- 
position, and  the  physicians  called  in  en- 
joined him  to  take  their  drugs,  otherwise 
he  would  run  the  risk  of  death.  The 
Bishop  had  a  natural  horror  of  doctors, 
and  refused;  but  finally,  touched  by  the 
prayers  and  tears  of  his  friends,  he  prom- 
ised to  take  the  physicians'  prescriptions. 
Following  their  habits,  they  sent  him  their 
remedies  for  the  day,  which  the  Bishop 
promptly  cast  into  the  pot  de  chambre  and 
then  pushed  the  vessel  under  the  bed. 
The  doctors  returned  next  day  to  visit 
their  patient  and  to  see  the  effects  of  their 
medicines ;  they  perceived  that  the  Bishop 
was  free  from  fever  and  attributed  the  re- 
sults  to   their   remedies,    reproaching   his 


58 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


Reverence  for  not  taking  their  nostrums 
sooner,  claiming  that  his  health  would 
have  been  immediately  re-established  there- 
by. The  Bishop  replied  that  they  had  a 
strength  and  most  admirable  virtues,  as  all 
that  was  necessary  was  to  put  them  in  the 
chamber  under  his  bed  and  thereby  re- 
cover his  health.  ''What  would  have 
happened,"  added  he,  "if  I  had  taken 
your  concoction  ?  Certainly  I  should  have 
now  been  immortal !  "  He  then  ordered 
the  physicians  and  their  bottles  to  be  put 
out  of  the  house. 

PHYSICIANS    DRIVEN    FROM    ROME    BY 
PUBLIC    DECREE. 

It  is  not  without  reason,  then,  that  in 
other  times  physicians  were  chased  out  of 
Rome  by  public  decree,  as  it  naturally 
happened,  this  trade  being  ignoble,  that 
the  vile  and  contemptible  practiced  medi- 
cine simply  as  an  easy  way  of  securing 
money.  What,  in  fact,  more  glorious  and 
admirable  than  medicine?  You  inspect 
urine,  dejections,  the  sputa  of  the  sick; 
you  observe  these  with  an  oblique  glance 
and  wrinkled  forehead,  as  if  it  were  a  very 
grave  malady  requiring  an  exceptional 
skill  to  cure.  Then  you  feel  the  pulse, 
where  you  know  the  forces  of  Nature  are 
felt.  Then  you  collect  together  in  consul- 
tation, and,  after  many  disputes,  come  to 
the  pharmacy,  as  you  say,  and  most  often 
by  this  time  are  in  such  a  state  of  disagree- 
ment, so  far  off  from  saving  the  patient, 
that  your  science,  that  you  pretend  is  in- 
fallible, certain,  always  identical  with 
itself,  appears  to  the  contrary  most  change- 
able, variable,  and  inconstant.  If  your 
potion  by  chance  rather  than  by  its  vir 
tues  does  some  good,  you  extol  the  cure  to 
the  skies;  if  it  injures,  all  the  injury  is  en- 
tombed along  with  the  patient. 


Pleasant  Stories  about  Doctors. 

There  are  many  laughable  stories  about 
physicians,  without  relating  those  of  the 
fools  who  do  not  make  miracles  like  that 
doctor  who  found  a  lost  ass  by  giving  the 
owner  pills  to  swallow,  and  that  other  phy- 
sician who  accused  his  patient  of  having 
eaten  an  ass;(')  as  these  anecdotes  are  not 
without  humor,  we  place  them  among  our 
confabulations,  f )  I  could,  did  I  so  desire, 
repeat  scores  of  stories  relative  to  the 
ridiculous  prodigies  of  charlatans,  but  will 
only  relate  a  few. 

STORY    OF    AN    EMPIRIC    WHO    LOOKED 
AFTER   ASSES. 

There  was  lately  at  Florence  a  man  full 
of  assurance  and  audacity  who  had  no 
manner  of  occupation.  This  fellow  read, 
in  some  book  of  medicine,  the  composition 
of  certain  pills  reputed  to  be  a  sovereign 
remedy  against  different  diseases,  and  then 
conceived  the  strange  fancy  of  becoming  a 
doctor,  thanks  to  these  pills.  After  manu- 
facturing a  great  number,  he  left  Florence 
and  went  around  in  its  neighborhood 
among  villages  and  farms  practicing 
physic.  He  administered  his  pills  indif- 
ferently in  all  kinds  of  maladies,  and  luck 
seemed  to  aid  him,  for  several  patients  re- 
covered after  taking  his  drugs.  The  re- 
nown of  this  ignoramus  soon  spread  among 
the  common  people  of  his  own  kind,  so 
that  a  peasant  who  had  lost  a  donkey  came 
one  day  and  demanded  if  the  quack  had 
no  remedy  to  find  missing  asses.  The  em- 
piric answered  him  yes,  and  then  gave 
him  SIX  pills  to  swallow.    The  peasant  paid 


1  Allusion  is  here  made  to  a  volume  of  "  Fa- 
cetiae "  by  Poggio,  of  which  we  reproduce  but  a 
few  anecdotes, 

2  "Confabulations";  this  is  the  title  Poggio 
gave  to  one  of  his  books. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


59 


his  fee  and  departed.  During  the  next 
day,  while  seeking  for  his  beast,  the  ca- 
thartic pills  took  effect  and  the  peasant 
precipitately  retired  into  a  willow  copse, 
where  to  his  astonishment  he  found  his  ass 
grazing.  From  that  time  he  lauded  to  high 
Heaven  the  science  and  pills  of  the  quack : 
A  true  ^sculapius  had  been  found,  the 
common  people  rushed  in  from  all  over 
the  adjoining  country,  they  came  in  crowds 
to  the  doctor  who  had  remedies  that  even 
found  lost  asses. 

A    MEDICAL    RUSE. 

An  ignorant  but  very  egotistical  physi- 
cian visited  his  patients  in  company  with 
his  student.  He  felt  the  pulses  ot  the 
sick,  as  is  the  custom,  and  if  he  saw  they 
were  going  to  die  he  reproached  them  with 
the  fault  of  having  eaten  a  fig,  an  apple, 
or  something  else  he  had  forbidden  them 
to  take.  The  patients  avowed,  most  often, 
this  doctor  had  the  gift  of  second  sight 
when  he  could  so  well  divine  the  departure 
from  a  prescribed  diet.  His  adroitness 
at  this  medical  trick  plunged  the  student 
into  a  continual  state  of  astonishment;  so 
the  latter  asked  him  if  he  recognized 
changes  in  diet  by  the  patient's  pulse,  by 
palpation,  or  by  some  other  equally  as 
learned  procedure.  The  preceptor,  touched 
by  the  student's  deference,  finally  deigned 
to  reveal  the  secret.  ''When  I  enter  the 
chamber  of  the  sick,"  said  he,  '*  I  cast 
around  me  a  rapid  glance,  and  if  I  see  the 
remains  of  fruit  on  any  plate  or  dish,  no 
matter  what,  say  they  be  chestnut  shells, 
fig  skins,  nut  hulls,  apple  cores,  or  any- 
thing a  sick  man  might  eat,  I  accuse  his 
gourmandizing  of  having  aggravated  his 
malady,  preventing  my  medicines  from 
acting,  and  am  therefore  relieved  of 
responsibility  in  case  of  a  fatal  termina- 
tion." 


Shortly  afterwards  the  pupil,  who  had 
now  become  a  doctor  and  commenced  to 
practice  medicine,  undertook  the  trick 
of  his  former  preceptor  among  his  own 
clients :  he  accused  them  of  not  following 
his  prescriptions  and  of  having  eaten  this 
or  that,  as  he  noted  around  him  any  ob- 
jective indications.  One  day  he  was  called 
to  a  man,  whom  he  promised  to  heal 
quickly  if  he  preserved  an  exact  diet. 
After  prescribing  a  certain  quantity  of 
nourishment,  he  left,  promising  to  return 
on  the  next  day.  When  he  came,  accord- 
ing to  appointment,  the  patient  was  very 
much  worse ;  too  ignorant  or  stupid  to  de- 
termine the  cause,  he  looked  all  around 
him — no  waste  foods  of  any  kind.  He 
was  embarrassed,  but  finally  peeped  under 
the  bed ;  there  he  saw  an  asses  tail,  used 
as  a  fly  switch,  and  immediately  ex- 
claimed:  "I  see  why  you  are  doing  so 
much  worse :  you  have  eaten  to  such  an 
excess  that  I  shall  not  be  astonished  to 
find  you  dead  to-morrow.  No  wonder  you 
are  sick,  you  have  eaten  a  whole  ass." 
The  tail  of  the  beast  had  indicated  to  his 
talented  medical  mind  that  the  animal  had 
been  cooked  like  any  other  meat.  This 
fool  set  the  whole  world  laughing  at  his 
expense.  (^) 

PLEASANTRIES    OF    A    PHYSICIAN    WHO 
GAVE    REMEDIES    AT    RANDOM. 

The  Roman  custom  is  to  send  the  phy- 
sician a  little  urine  from  the  patient,  with 
one  or  two  pieces  of  money,  and  thus  ob- 
tain a  written  consultation.  This  physician 
to  my  knowledge  wrote  every  evening 
upon  strips  of  paper,  what  we  call  pre- 
scription paper,  different  remedies  appro- 

I  This  very  ancient  story  has  been  modernized 
in  numerous  ways,  and  an  imitation  in  English 
rhyme  is  extant. 


6o 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


priate  to  all  sorts  of  diseases  and  put  them 
in  a  bag,  well  mixed  together.  In  the 
morning  numerous  persons  brought  him 
samples  of  urine  in  order  to  obtain  a  pre- 
scription, and  he  always  plunged  his  hand 
in  the  bag  and  extended  the  first  prescrip- 
tion that  he  came  across,  remarking,  in 
Italian,  at  the  same  moment,  ''Prega  Dio 
te  la  mandi  buona";  that  is  to  say,  ''  Pray 
God  you  may  draw  a  good  one ! "  This 
was  a  sad  thing  for  those  gentlemen  whose 
health  depended  on  chance  and  not  on 
reason. 

POGGIANA. 

A  nobleman  one  day  observed  that 
there  were  three  kinds  of  men  who  ranked 
well  in  the  world,  i.e.,  the  theologians,  be- 
cause they  corrupted  religion;  the  lawyers, 
because  they  embroiled  society  in  place  of 
keeping  order;  and  the  doctors,  because, 
under  pretense  of  curing,  they  killed  most 
often.  A  theologian,  lawyer,  and  physi- 
cian having  heard  this,  proposed  the  fol- 
lowing toast:  "When  we  have  killed  off 
the  nobility,  we  will  content  the  rest  of  the 
world,  and  mankind  will  pass  away  as 
ever." 

I  learn  from  Darcier  that  Antonius 
Musa  killed  young  Marcellus  with  cold 
baths.  Those  who  bathe  in  cold  water  are 
called  psychrolites.  Seneca  belonged  to  the 
number,  and  Pliny  approved  not  the  treat- 
ment. "It  is  not  necessary  to  doubt," 
said  he,  "that  all  physicians  traffic  in 
human  life  to  acquire  reputation  and  in- 
vent something  new." 

*  H<  * 

TRITHEMUS  (1426  to  1516  A.D.). 

EPIGRAM. 

To  make  an  ignoramus  a  doctor,  is  to 
hang  out  a  sign  that  means  nothmg ;  it  is 


like  putting  a  circle  of  wine  casks  around 
the  door  of  a  house  where  no  wine  is 
sold. 

JOVIANO     PONTANOO    (1426    to 
1523  A.D.). 

DIALOGUES. 

Charon :  But  tell  me.  Mercury,  I  pray 
thee,  do  men  at  present  live  more  gayly 
and  in  greater  freedom  than  formerly  ? 

Mercury  :  The  priests  live  more  gayly, 
chorusings  at  funerals ;  the  doctors  have  a 
much  livelier  time,  since  they  are  permit- 
ted to  kill  with  impunity. 

Charon :  Can  it  be  that  homicide  is  not 
punished  with  execution  ? 

Mercury  :  Without  doubt :  but  for  phy- 
sicians not  only  is  the  law  absolute,  but  it 
even  fixes  their  fees. 

Charon  :   What  iniquity ! 

Mercmy :  But  no,  the  law  of  reason  ab- 
solves doctors  from  all  blame ;  it  is  not  the 
physician  who  kills,  it  is  those  who  invoke 
the  aid  and  assistance  of  the  doctor,  and 
who  pay  for  it  dearly. 

Charon:  And  the  Civil  Laws  allow 
this? 

Mercury :  Most  certainly  it  is  permit- 
ted. 

*  *  * 

ERASMUS  (1467  to  1536  A.D.).0 

DIALOGUE    VII. — UPON    BAD    HEALTH. 

George :  Are  you  in  good  health  ? 

1  In  Latin,  Jovianus  Pontanus,  an  Italian 
diplomatist  and  author  of  numerous  moral  works, 
poems  and  dialogues.  He  was  a  scholar  whose 
elegant  Latinity  is  unquestioned. 

2  Erasmus,  with  his  dialogues  entitled  "  Cice- 
ronian us,"  attacked  the  Church  as  well.  He  has 
bet  n  accused  by  Catholic  writers  of  laying  the  egg 
afterwards  hatched  out  by  Martin  Luther. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


6i 


Levin :  I  should  wish  to  respond  in  the 
affirmative,  but  am  not  as  well  as  I  desire 
to  be ;  in  fact,  I  never  felt  so  badly.  I  feel 
like  it  is  a  misfortune  to  live  under  the 
domination  of  a  Hippocratic  monarchy, 
and  all  others  who  consort  with  those 
authorized  and  mercenary  man-slayers,  vul- 
garly known  as  doctors. 

George :  From  what  do  you  suffer  ? 
What  has  made  you  sick  ? 

Levin:  I  know  not;  hence,  my  disease 
is  all  the  more  dangerous. 

George :  True,  as  you  say ;  for  the  first 
step  towards  health  is  to  penetrate  the 
nature  of  the  disease,  following  the  proverb, 
'^A  malady  well  understood  is  already  half 
cured.''  Have  you  not  consulted  the 
oracle  ?  Have  you  not  called  physicians 
to  your  assistance  ? 

Levin :  Oh,  pardon  me !  I  have  al- 
ready seen  more  doctors  than  I  can  count. 

George :  Very  well !  What  did  they 
say? 

Levin :  They  practiced  almost  the  same 
manoeuvre  as  that  of  the  lawyers  of  Demi- 
phon  in  the  comedy  of  "  Terrence  :  "  one 
of  them  says  this ;  another  one,  this  is  not 
so;  and  the  third  has  a  mind  to  deliberate 
more  slowly.  My  doctors  only  agree  on 
one  point — that  is  that  /  am  an  object  of 
compassion. 

George ;  But  why  not  call  in  a  real  phy- 
sician ? 

Levin :  I  fear  that  such  a  one,  in  place 
of  doing  away  with  the  disease,  may  aug- 
ment it;  and  also  think  such  a  one  may 
poison  instead  of  curing  me. 

George:  But  it  is  necessary  to  choose 
one  who  will  assure  you  that  he  will  posi- 
tively restore  health. 

Levin  :  If  I  must  die,  I  should  best  love 
to  die  quickly,  rather  than  be  tormented 
with  too  many  drugs. 

George :  Then   on   your  going  out   be 


your  own  doctor ;  if  you  cannot  trust  a 
man  who  claims  to  possess  the  art  of 
driving  away  diseases  and  restore  your 
health,  I  wish  that  the  Almighty  may  take 
you  off  in  place  of  the  doctor. 

EULOGY    TO    FOLLY. 

Among  the  sciences,  those  furtherest  off 
from  common  sense,  which  is  only,  after  all, 
folly,  are  also  the  best  paid.  Theologians 
die  of  hunger ;  lawyers  are  frozen  out ; 
astrologers  are  mocked  ;  dialecticians  are 
held  in  contempt.  Medicine  is  worth  more 
than  all  these  put  together.  Among  doc- 
tors, as  a  rule,  the  most  ignorant,  the 
greatest  charlatans,  the  most  reckless  prac- 
titioners, are  always  the  fashion  among 
persons  in  the  higher  social  circles.  The 
society  doctor  of  the  present  day,  or  at 
least  the  majority  of  them,  uses  for  rhetoric 
only  the  art  of  throwing  powder  in  other 
people's  eyes.  After  the  doctors,  in  trick- 
ery, come  the  lawyers,  the  last  most  often 
being  equal  to  the  former.  I  do  not  care 
to  criticise  them,  but  all  philosophers  agree 
that  so  called  medical  science  is  the  blun- 
der of  the  ignoramus. 

ADAGES. 

The  Scholiast  of  Aristophanes,  in  his 
Plutus,  says  that  the  bulls  of  Boetia  were 
scatophagic — that  is,  eaters  of  excrement. 
Aristophanes  applied  this  name  to  physi- 
cians, because  in  attending  their  patients 
they  examined  almost  all  the  infected 
materials,  the  urine  and  the  evacuations. 

Erasmus  said  to  a  poor  sick  man  who 
had  had  ten  different  doctors  in  consulta- 
tion, and  had  not  died  after  the  ordeal, 
that  it  was  sufficient  to  not  only  kill  a  sick 
man,  but  the  most  healthy  man  in  the 
world  (J.  Bernier,  Essais  de  Medecine). 

Erasmus,    who   observed    the   doctors 


62 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


during  the  illness  of  one  of  his  best  friends, 
who  died,  recognized  that,  in  place  of 
giving  him  relief  by  good  remedies,  they 
passed  the  entire  time,  as  to  day,  in  dis- 
puting as  to  the  cause  of  his  complaint. 
Toto  tempore  quo  decubuit  cegfotus,  de  gerure 
morbi  disputarunt  (Lesieur,  Reflexions  sur  la 
Medecine). 

if.  "^  ^ 

THOMAS     MORUS    (1480    to    1535 
A.D.). 

EPIGRAM    UPON    DOCTOR    NICOLAS 

Nunc  video  baud  rerum  tantum,  sed  et  ipsa  viro- 

rum 
Nomina,  non  temere  sed  ratione  dari, 
Nicolaus  nomen  medici   est; — Qui  convenit?  in- 

quis, 
Hie  potius  nomen  debuit  esse  ducis; 
Dux  populos  armis  vincit,  sed  et  iste  venenis 
Et  populum  et  fortes  sternit  uterque  duces, 
Saepe  ducem  bello  repetunt,  bis  nemo  rebellat; 
Huic  uno  die,  vero  est  nomine  Nicolaus. 

IMITATION. 

I  see  now  it  is  reason,  not  chance,  that 
gives  names  to  men,  as  to  things ;  Nich- 
olas(^)  is  the  name  of  a  doctor.  '*  Is  it  not 
natural,"  sayest  thou,  ''that  it  should  be 
the  name  of  a  General — a  military  leader 
triumphing  over  nations  by  force  of  arms  ? 
But  the  physician,  by  means  of  his  drugs, 
slays  at  the  same  time  people  and  Gen- 
erals, even  though  the  latter  be  most  val- 
liant.  Often  the  General  is  menaced,  in 
his  turn;  the  doctor  never  finds  rebels. 
Yes,  in  truth,  only  a  doctor  merits  the 
name  of  Nicholas  !  " 


CLENARD  (1495  to  1542  A.D.). 

This  Flemish  philologist  treats,  in  one 
of  his  works,  the  physician  as  a  sanicide. 

I  Signifying  victorious  (from  the  Greek), 


HECTOR  BCETHIUSO  (1470  to  1550 
A.D.). 

HISTORY    OF    SCOTLAND. 

King  Reuthas  having  learned  that  a 
number  of  persons,  suffering  from  wounds 
and  sickness,  had  died,  owing  to  the  igno- 
rance of  their  physicians,  issued,  at  the 
advice  of  his  councillors,  a  decree  forbid- 
ding, in  the  future,  any  man  taking  the 
title  of  Doctor,  unless  he  were  known  to 
have  recognized  ability,  attested  by  long 
experience  ;  this  restriction  was  made  with 
the  death  penalty  attached  as  punishment. 
Before  this  time,  among  our  countrymen, 
there  had  been  no  one  especially  skilled  in 
medicine,  the  first  come  claiming  to  be 
physicians.  Following  the  ancient  custom 
of  the  Egyptians,  the  sick  had  been  placed 
on  the  highways,  or  in  some  frequented 
public  place,  so  that  any  passer-by  could 
give  medical  advice,  provided  the  party 
had  been  cured  of  the  same  disease  himself 
or  had  treated  others  successfully.  Under 
such  circumstances  no  one  thus  qualified 
was  allowed  to  pass  the  sick  without  speak- 
ing. 

*  *  * 

PALINGENIUS    MARCELLUS 
(Medical  poet,  i6th  century), 

ZUDIACUS    VIT^. — LEO,    LIBER    V. 

Consulte  item,  si  opus   est,  medicum,  vel  clinicus 

ille, 
Vel  sit  cbirurgus  ;  cbirurgi  certior  est  ars  ; 
Nam  quid  agat  certum  est,  et  aperta  luce  vide- 

tur  ;(=)  etc. 


1  vScotcb  historian,  Professor  at  the  College  of 
Aberdeen,  a  great  friend  and  correspondent  of 
Erasmus. 

2  The  remainder  of  the  Latin,  omitted  can  be 
consuUed  in  the  original  work  of  S.  J.  .Witkoski. 
The  English  translation  will  be  confined  to  a 
short  extract  also. 


77/1?  Evil  that  lias  been  said  of  Doctors. 


63 


IMITATION. 

Consult  then,  if  it  be  needful,  the  man  of  medical 
art, 
Or   else  consult  a  surgeon,  as  surgery  is  more 
sure  ; 
For  the  latter,  by  comparison,  is  light  in  darkness 
apart ; 
Yet  those  we  call  our  doctors   are   physicians 
who  should  cure. 

The  latter  look  at   the   sick,  and  make  a  grave 
prognosis, 
Gazing  on  urine,  feeling  the  pulse,  smelling  the 
dejections, 
Deceiving  themselves  to  our  injury,  for  we  enter 
metempsychosis. 
At  least,  that  is  the  general  rule,  after  their  wise 
inspections. 

Oh  !    sing  a  psalm  to  the  bald  Levites  and   bald- 
headed  doctors  bold, 
For  the  latter  grab  our  purse  for  their  crime, 
Forgetting   God's  punishment  comes   in    good 

time, 
Though  they  smile  with  joyous  air  sublime 
As  they  jingle  each  dead  man's  gold. 

JEAN    OPORINUS(')   1530  A  D.). 

LIFE    OF    PARACELSUS. 

During  the  two  years  I  lived  with  Para- 
celsus, he  was  given  to  much  drunkenness 
and  crapulation,  so  that  he  could  not  be 
seen  sober  more  than  two  hours  a  day  ; 
this  was  after  his  departure  from  Basle  to 
Alsace  ;  yet  this  did  not  prevent  his  being 
admired  by  all  the  world  as  another  ^scu- 
lapius.  Meantime,  no  matter  how  drunk 
he  might  be,  he  never  retired  to  rest  with- 
out dictating  to  me  his  philosophies.  Dur- 
ing all  the  period  I  lived  with  him,  I  never 
saw  him    undressed  for  his  bed ;    he  wa«; 

I  Jean  Oporinus  was  the  private  secretary  to 
Paracelsus. 


always  so  much  under  the  influence  of 
wine,  and  came  in  tired  so  late,  that  he 
merely  threw  himself  on  his  couch,  holding 
at  his  side  a  large  sabre  presented  to  him 
by  the  public  executioner.  (^)  During  his 
restless  sleep  he  would  rise  in  the  midst  of 
the  night  and  whirl  his  sword  around, 
striking  strong  blows  on  the  floor  and 
against  the  walls,  so  that  I  often  feared  lest 
he  might  accidentally  cut  my  head  off. 

*  ^  * 

JEAN     SECOND     (EVERiERTS) 

(1511  to  1536  A.D.). 

EPIGRAM. 

Es  simul  medicus  simul  et  chirurgus, 

Cur  ?     Mittis  stygium  viros  ad  orcum 

Et  manu  simul,  simul  et  veneno. 

IMITATION. 

Thou  art  physician  at  the  same  time 
surgeon.  Why  ?  To  cut  the  throats  of 
men  as  well  as  to  poison  them. 

HADRIANUS    JUNIUS^    (1512    to 
1575  A.D.). 

ADAGES. 

Nihil  ad  Medicorum  arrogantiarn  (nothing 
approaches  the  arrogance  of  doctors). 

Euphron,  in  one  of  his  works  against 
certain  pompous  and  arrogant  personages, 
remarks:  ''Thou  art  a  great  sophist,  but 
sophistry  is  nothing  in  comparison  with  the 
supercilious  frown  of  a  physician." 

1  He  held,  it  was  said,  enclosed  in  the  handle 
of  this  weapon  the  spirit  of  a  demon,  his  "Azoth," 
his  most  precious  remedy. 

2  Adrien  du  Jon,  Dutch  savant,  author  of 
'•  The  Adages  of  Four  Centuries." 


64 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


SIR     FRANCIS     BACON     (English 
philosopher,  1561  to  1626). 

COLLECTION   OF   APOTHEGMS,  OLD   AND 

NEW. 

A  minister  being  deprived  of  his 
charge,  on  account  of  improper  conduct, 
said  to  some  one  that  if  he  was  prevented 
from  preaching  //  would  cost  more  than  a 
hundred  men^s  lives.  One  of  his  enemies 
accused  him  for  this  statement,  and  he  was 
brought  before  the  Judge  to  answer  for  his 
remark,  "I  have  said  nothing,"  observed 
the  clergyman,  **  that  I  do  not  intend  to 
execute ;  for,  if  they  prevent  me  from  act- 
ing as  a  minister,  I  shall  become  a  physi- 
cian, and  feel  assured  that  in  this  capacity  J 
shall  cause  the  death  of  more  than  a  hundred 
men.  (') 

Dr.  Johnson  remarked  that  there  were 
three  material  things  touching  the  ills  of 
the  body,  to  wit,  the  physician,  patient, 
and  the  disease ;  he  said,  when  either  of 
them  combined,  then  victory  was  theirs — 
not  even  Hercules  could  prevail  against 
them.  If  the  patient  and  physician  agreed 
together,  the  disease  would  disappear  and 
the  patient  was  cured ;  if,  to  the  contrary, 
the  physician  and  the  disease  agreed  not, 
in  such  a  case  the  patient  is  beyond  hope 
of  recovery ;  that  if  the  patient  and  disease 
combined,  adieu  to  the  doctor. 

I  This  anecdote  has  been  imitated  in  the 
"  Recueil  d' apophtegmes  anciens  et  modernes," 
1646. 

Un  Ministre  protestante 

Par  trop  aimer  et  trop  boire 

Scandalisa  tant  et  tant 

Le  severe  Consistoire, 

Qu'on  alloit  proceder  ale  destituer,  etc. 

This  and  other  extracts  from  Bacon's  works 
are  re-translated  from  Baudoin,  1637,  and  do  not 
strictly  follow  the  English  editions;  the  reader  is 
referred  to  the  latter  for  the  original  versions. 


Thus  medicine,  we  are  assured,  is  so 
constituted  that  we  may  say  that  it  is  more 
treated  than  cultivated,  and  more  culti- 
vated than  augmented.  Observe  the  result 
of  all  the  works  of  which  it  has  been  the 
object;  it  moves  in  a  circle  rather  than  ad- 
vances forwards;  for  its  many  reflections 
may  be  seen,  and  but  few  veritable  addi- 
tions can  be  noted. 

For  doctors,  thanks  to  their  magistral 
decisions,  have  made  us  lose  all  the  fruits 
of  tradition  and  things  well  determined  by 
experience,  adding  one  thing,  cutting  off 
another,  and  changing  all  remedies,  with- 
out following  any  other  rule  than  their  own 
caprice,  and  making  varieties  of  quiproquos 
of  the  apothecary. 

I  remember  a  certain  physician,  a  cele- 
brated practitioner  in  England,  who  in 
religion  was  inclined  to  be  a  Jew,  and 
who,  by  his  prodigious  reading,  was  a  kind 
of  Arab ;  he  was  accustomed  to  saymg  : 
''Your  European  doctors,  it  is  true,  are 
learned  men,  but  do  not  understand  how 
to  cure  their  patients."  Again,  he  re- 
marked :  ''Your  physicians  resemble  your 
Bishops,  they  have  the  keys  to  confine  or 
absolve." 

*  .„  * 


(Died 


m 


LATOMUS     JOANNUS 

1578.) 

DISTICH   ON    JEAN    MANARDI.(^) 

In  fovea  qui  te  periturum  dixit  Aruspex 
Non  es  mentitus  ;   conjugis  ilia  fuit. 

IMITATION. 

The  soothsayer  who  predicted  that  thou 
wouldst  perish  in  a  hole  did  not  deceive 
thee;  it  was  that  of  thy  wife. 


I  A  celebrated  physician  of  Ferrara,  died  in 
1537,  at  the  age  of  73  years.  "  This  Manardi," 
says    Boyle,  "was   married   while   very  old  to  a 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


65 


GOLDAST     DE     HEIMINSFELD 

(1576  to  1636.). 

ON   THE    HONOR    OF    PHYSICIANS. 

To  sell  rather  than  cure,  that  is  medi- 
cine ;  it  is  nothing  more  than  commerce. 

VAVASSEUR  (1605  to  1681). 
Epigram.  (') 

VAVASSOR    BURDELOTO    ARDELIONI.f) 

Fama  est  ignaro  quondam  Jove,  nomina  multa, 

Et  sumsisse  sibi  munera  multa  Deos. 

Se  trino  imprimis  jactabat  stemmate  Phoebus 

Nam  Medicus,  vates.  et  citharsedus  erat. 

Ah!    nimium   est,  inquit   Superum    Pater;    ehgat 

unum 
De  tribus,  una  uni  sufficit  ara  Deo." 
Obtrectare  nefas;  sed  quid  retineret  Apollo 
Dudum  animi  pendens  haesit,  et  hxrit  ad  hue. 
Burdelote,  eadem  sors  est  tua,  non  labor  idem 
Nempe,  trium  superest  optio  nulla  tibi. 
Negligeris  Medicus,  vates  contemneris  ;  ergo 
Vel  nullus  posthac,  vel  cilharaedus  eris. 

IMITATION. 

They  tell  that,  unknown  to  Jupiter,  the 
Gods  took  names  and  privileges  in  abund- 

young  girl,  and  his  sexual  excesses  killed  him. 
The  poets  of  that  day  indulged  in  much  pleas- 
antry at  the  doctor's  expense,  especially  since  an 
astrologer  had  predicted  that  he  would  perish  in 
a  hole.  Manardi,  in  order  to  avoid  this  predic- 
tion, avoided  all  moats,  pits,  wells,  etc,  not 
dreaming  of  anything  but  the  literal  sense,  and 
forgetting  the  allegorical;  but  he  recognized  by 
experience  that  it  is  not  always  the  letter  that 
kills,  but  that  the  allegory  sometimes  inflicts  the 
fatal  stroke." 

1  Says  Menage  :  "At  this  time  we  worked  in 
Holland  on  the  book  of  Vavasseur.  I  sent  the 
printer  this  epigram,  considering  the  same  against 
the  Abbot  Bourdelot." 

2  Doctor  Pierre  Bourdelot  played  the  guitar 
charmingly.  "  Christina  of  Sweden,"  says  one  of 
her  biographers,  "having  fallen  sick,  was  induced 


ance.  Phoebus,  in  particular,  carried  three 
crowns  at  once :  those  of  medicine,  of 
prophecy,  and  as  a  cithar  player.  ''Ah! 
this  is  too  much !  "  cried  the  Father  of  the 
Gods,  '*  she  must  choose  one  of  three.  A 
God  should  be  contented  with  a  single 
crown."  Scandal  is  impious ;  but  Apollo 
hesitated  a  long  time  what  choice  to  make, 
and  still  hesitates.  Bourdelot,  thou  art  the 
same  kind,  but  hast  not  the  same  diffi- 
culty :  the  choice  no  more  rests  with  thee. 
Thou  hast  abandoned  medicme,  divina- 
tion thou  boldest  in  contempt ;  hereafter, 
thou  shalt  be  nothing  or  thou  shalt  only  be 
a  cithar  player. 

BOURDELOT    TO    VAVASSEUR    THE 
RANTER    (reply). 

Non  Medici,  non  me  vatis  jam  nomine  jacto. 
Sum  fidicen  ;  laus  haec  sufiicit  una  mihi. 
Hanccine,     quam    coluit    David,     ego     deprecer 

artem  ? 
His  furias  cithara  flectere  doctus  erat. 
/Emulus  hinc,  mala  te  quoties  vexabit  Erinnys, 
Admotam  propius  soUicitabo  chelyn. 
Sanarunt  aegrum  Davidica  plectra  Saulem. 
Forte  mea  fies  tu  quoque  sanus  ope. 

IMITATION. 

I  neither  desire  the  name  of  physician 
nor  soothsayer  longer.  I  am  a  cithar 
player ;  that  merit  alone  is  sufficient.  Why 
cast  off  the  art  that  David  practiced?  He 
knew   how  to  appease   the   furies   by  his 

to  call  him  to  Sweden  in  1651.  The  doctor's  first 
care  was  to  make  the  Queen  renounce  all  studies  ; 
and,  to  ridicule  in  her  eyes  the  then  prevailing 
mania  for  erudition,  he  made  two  of  his  cele- 
brated contemporaries,  Meibomius  and  Naude, 
sing  and  dance  for  Her  Majesty's  amusement. 
One  of  these  men  was  a  distinguished  writer  on 
music,  and  the  other  on  ancient  dances.  The 
treatment  was  a  success  ;  the  Queen  followed  the 
advice  of  her  agreeable  ignoramus,  as  she  called 
the  physician." 

By  his  intrigues  at  this  Swedish  Court,  Bourde- 
lot was  obliged  to  return  to  France,  where  he  ob- 


66 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


music.  I  wish  to  emulate  his  example, 
and  each  time  thine  pitiless  Erinny  tor- 
ments thee  I  will  approach  and  calm  thy 
spirit  with  mine  lyre.  David's  mstrument 
cured  Saul  sick;  perhaps  my  talent  may 
also  give  thee  health. 

OAA/'EN  (1771  to  1858). 
Epigrams. 

THE    METHOD    OF    LIVING    A    LONG 
TIME. 

Si  larde  cujus  esse  senex,  utaris  oportet 
Vel  modico  medice,  vel  medico  modice  : 
Sumpta,  cibus  tanquam,  l^dit  medicina  salutem  ; 
At  sumptus  prodest,  ut  medicina  cibus. 

IMITATION. 

No  doctor,  no  medicine,  no  vexation, 
plain  cooking,  if  you  intend  to  live  to  an 
old  age. 

TO    A    SICK    MAN    WHO    HAD    MANY 
PHYSICIANS. 

Nimquam,  crede  mihi,  o  morba  curabitur  seger, 
Si  multus  medicis  creditur  una  febris. 

IMITATION. 

Why  precipitate  thine  end?  Is  one 
pliysician  not  enough  to  die  with  ? 

ON    MEDICINE    AND   JURISPRUDENCE. 

When  true  frugality  with  us  remains, 

And  probity  society  props, 
The  world  will  all  be  free  from  pains, 

Lawyers  and  doctors  close  their  shops. 

tained  the  Abbey  of  Massay,  and  took  the  title 
of  Abbot,  by  which  name  he  is  best  known.  "It 
was  this  man,"  according  to  Touchard  Lafosse, 
"  who  favorized  the  libertinage  of  Princess  Chris- 
tina, and  secretly  treated  her  to  prevent  the  con- 
sequence of  her  amours.  It  was  she  who  gave 
him  a  hundred  thousand  crowns  and  obtained 
him  his  position  in  France.  Most  services  ren- 
dered to  the  great  are  shameful,  although  the 
recompense  is  increased  with  the  rank  of  the  sub- 
ject benefitted." 


ON    DOCTORS    AND    LAWYERS. 

Furtum  non  facies ;  Juristae  scribitur  haec  lex ; 
Haec,  non  occides;  pertinet  ad  Medicum. 

IMITATION. 

The  commandment  thou  shalt  not  steal 
is  addressed  to  lawyers ;  thou  shalt  not  kill 
is  intended  for  doctors. 

TO    A    DOCTOR. 

Thine  patients  should  be  much  pleased 
with  thee,  since  thou  treatest  them  with 
such  diligence.  Thine  first  prescription 
does  the  work,  and  they  do  not  suffer  long 
thereafter. 

*  *  * 
STEPHANUS   CASTRIENS   (Later 

Latin  writer). 

EPITAPH 

On  a  physician,  who,  purging  all  his  pa- 
tients with  a  powder  composed  of  tartar, 
scammony  and  antimony,  died  from  taking 
his  own  remedy : 

Nondum  pulvis  eram,  pulvere  pessimo 
Demens  conjicior  pulverem  in  ultimum. 
Quod  si  non  fieret.  pulvere  pessimo 
Plures  conjicerim  pulverim,  in  ultimum. 
Evenit  misero  sic  mihi  talio. 
Si  nondum  medicus  pulvereus  cavet, 
Hospes  tu  medicum  pulvereum  cave. 
Gaudent  tartareo  pulvere  Tartara, 
Hunc  escam,  moneo,  Dsemonium  voca, 
Quam  dat  scammonium,  quam  stibium  tibi. 

*  *  * 

LEODEGAR. 

TO    A    DOCTOR. 

Consilio   atque  armis  multorum  adjutus  Achilles 
In  bellis  fudit  millia  multa  virum, 
Tu  sine  consilio,  nullis  adjutus  et  armis, 
Interimis  ;  virtus  major  Achille  tua  est. 

IMITATION. 

With  the  advice  and  help  of  numerous 
companions,  Achilles,  in  his  combats,  put 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


67 


many  thousands  of  men  to  death ;  but 
thou,  in  order  to  kill  as  many,  hadst  no 
need  of  advice  nor  assistance.  Hast  not 
thine  valor,  dear  doctor,  surpassed  that  of 
Achilles  ? 

*  *  * 

BAPTISTA   MANTUANUS. 

EPIGRAM. 

Sunt  et  equestre  genus  Medici  qui  tangere  venas 
Nonnunquam  illicitas  audent,  et  ponere  quaedam 
Non  intellectis  temeraria  nomina  morbis. 
His  et  si  tenebras  palpant,  et  facta  potestas 
Excruciandi   segros,  hominesque  impune  necandi. 

IMITATION. 

We  see  physicians,  disporting  them- 
selves on  horseback,  who  neither  fear 
opening  the  wrong  vein,  nor  giving  without 
knowledge  a  name  to  diseases,  where  only 
Gout  is  present.  Under  the  shadows  of 
darkness,  it  is  only  they  that  have  the  right 
torture  the  sick  and  kill  the  living  with  im- 
punity. 

* 
ZAMORENSIUS. 

EPIGRAM. 

Physicians  are  so  self-interested  that 
they  would  wish  the  world  burned — pro- 
vided they  have  the  ashes. 


PERISALTUS    FAUSTINUS. 


EPIGRAM. 


Fecerit  et  postquam  quidquid  jubet  ipsa  medendi 
Norma,  nisi  valeat  subitoque  revixerit  seger, 
Murmurat  insipiens  vulgus,  linguaque  procaci 
Eloquitur  de  te  convitia  talia  jactans  : 
"  Hei   mihi  quam  stultum  est  Medicorum  credere 


nugis 


IMITATION. 


When  the  physician  has  done  all  that 
rules  of  his  art  permit,  if  the  patient  be  not 
restored  to  life  and  health,  then  the  vulgar, 
in  their  stupidity,  commence  to  murmur 
and  cry  aloud,  overcome  by  their  injury : 
"  What  folly  to  believe  in  the  fiddle-faddle 
of  doctors  ! " 

* 
UZENTIUS    MAXIMILIEN. 

EPIGRAM. 

Chirurgus  medico  quo  differt  ?     Scilicet  illis  ; 
Enecat  his  succis,  enecat  ille  manu. 
Carnifici  hoc  ambo  tantum  differe  videntur, 
Tardius  hi  faciunt  quod  facit  ille  cito. 

IMITATION. 

In  what  does  a  physician  differ  from  a 
surgeon?  One  kills  with  poison,  the  other 
with  steel.  The  only  difference  between 
the  executioners  is  that  the  latter  operates 
quickly  and  the  others  are  slow  deaths. 


68 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors, 


ANONYMOUS  WRITERS. 


Epigrams. 


Non  clystere  usus  Phiscon  tetigitve,  sed  ejus 
Nomen  ut  in  febre  commemini  perii. 

IMITATION. 

Phiscon  neither  gave  me  a  clyster,  nor 
has  he  even  touched  me ;  but  I  had  a 
fever,  recalled  his  name,  and  died. 

*  ^.  * 

Qui  fuerat  Chiron  ceperat  esse  Charon.  (') 
IMITATION. 

Who  was  Chiron  has  become  Charon. 


Impediunt  certe  medicamina  plura  salutem  ; 
Non  plures  Medici,  sed  satis  unus  erit. 
Nunquam,  crede  mihi,  a  morbo  levabitur  ?eger, 
Si'  multis  Medicis  creditur  una  salus. 

IMITATION. 

In  order  to  cure,  nothing  is  so  effective 
as  to  take  many  medicines;  but  it  is  useless 
to  take  many  doctors ;  one  only  is  suffi- 
cient. Believe  me,  nothing  so  embarrasses 
a  patient  as  to  confide  his  health  to  a  mul- 
titude of  physicians. 

Qui   plerumque  ipso  facitis  medicamine  morbum 
Et  diro  ante  diem  aegrotos  dimittitis  orco 
Scilicet  hoc  vobis  indulsit  opinio  rerum 
Una  potens,  clades  inferre  impune  per  orbem 
Mercedemque  alieno  obitu,  laudemque  parare  ! 

IMITATION. 

It  is  you  doctors  who,  most  frequently, 

I  The  connection  between  Chrion,  the  medical 
Centaur,  and  Charon^  the  ferryman,  is  obvious. 


create  the  disease  with  your  remedies,  and 
thus  give  the  patient  a  premature  death.  It 
is  this  opinion,  this  singular  power,  that 
has  given  you  the  right  to  carry  desolation 
over  the  world  with  impunity,  and  draw 
profit  and  glory  from  the  death  of  others. 

*  *  * 

Jul     .     .     occubuit  tandem,  res  mira  tot  inter 
Carnifices,  furcus  vix  potuisse  mori. 

IMITATION. 

Julia  finally  succumbed ;  it  was  not 
a  wonder,  since  among  so  many  exe- 
cutioners a  thief  would  have  died. 


* 


* 


AGAINST    EUNOMUS. 

Languentum  Caium,  moriturum  dixerat  olim 

Eunomus  ;  evasit  fate  ope  non  Medici. 

Paullo  post  ipsum  vidit  aut  vidisse  putavit 

Pallentem,  et  multa  mortis  in  effigie 

Quis  tu  ?     Caius?     Ait,  vivis   ne  ?     Hie  abnuit. 

Atquid 
Nunc  aegis  hie?     Jussu  Ditis,  ait,  venio. 
Ut  quia  notitiam  rerumque  hominumque  tenerem, 
Accirem  Medicos.     Eunomus  obriguit. 
Tum   Caius  ;   Metuas  nihil,  Eunome,  dico  ego  et 

omnes 
Nullum,  qui  saperet,  dicere  te  Medicum. 

IMITATION. 

Caius  was  seriously  ill ;  Eunomus  de- 
clared he  would  die  ;  the  patient  escaped, 
thanks  to  chance  and  not  the  physician. 
Shortly  afterwards  Eunomus  met  him,  or 
rather  he  believed  he  saw  a  ghost,  pale 
with  death  on  its  face.    "  Is  it  thou,  Caius? 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


69 


Dost  thou  still  live  ?  "  said  he.  ''  No,"  re- 
sponded the  latter.  *'  Where  comest  thou 
from,  Caius — what  wil'st  thou  here  ?  "  And 
Caius  answered,  '*  I  come  on  the  order  of 
Pluto  ;  I  am  charged  to  carry  doctors  back 
with  me."  Eunomus  was  frightened  until 
Caius  said  :  "  Rest  assured  and  fear  noth- 
ing ;  I  declare,  and  nobody  will  contradict 
me,  it  is  necessary  to  be  a  doctor." 

*  *  * 

Stercus  et  urina,  haec  Medicorum  fecula  bina.(*) 


Carnifici  Medicus  par  est,  nam  csedit  uterque 
Impune  et  merces  caedis  utrique  datur, 
Judicium  melius  fuerit  subiisse  latronis 
Gennadi  Medicas  quam  pettisse  manus. 
Ille  et  enim  caedes  sancte  execratur  et  odit : 
Hie  praetium  capit  et  ducit  ad  Elysios. 

IMITATION. 

The  doctor  is  like  the  executioner : 
both  kill  with  impunity  and  both  receive 
pay  for  their  work.  It  is  better  to  deal 
with  the  brigand  Gennadius  than  implore 
the  assistance  of  a  physician.     The  former 

I  Rabelais  treats  the  same  subject  in  a  passage 
in  his  "  Pantagruel,"  i.e.: 

"  Stercus  et  urina  Medici  sunt  prandia  prima 
Ex  aliis  paleas,  ex  istis  collige  grana." 

Or,  translated,  excrement  and  urine  are  the  best 
meals  for  a  doctor  ;  one  in  the  straw,  the  other  in 
the  grain.  "You  take  this  badly!  "said  Ron- 
dibilis.     The  subsequent  verse  is  thus  : 

"Nobis  sunt  signa,   vobis  sunt  prandia  digna." 

To  us  these  are  the  symptoms,  and  are  repasts 
most  worthy  of  you. 

In  the  "  Serees  "  of  Guillaume  Bouchet  we 
find  a  distich  of  the  same  sort,  which  alludes  to 
Hippocrates  tasting  his  patients'  excrements,  but 
we  must  omit  the  English  rendering. 

"  Quum  dicam  culo  merdam  segrotante  cacatam 
Non  ementito  merdicus  ore  vocor." 

The  play  of  words  is  here  placed  on  "  merdi- 
cus" and  "  medicus." 


at  least  detests  his  crimes  and  curses  them  ; 
the  doctor  derives  therefrom  a  profit  and 
glory. 

*  *  * 

Si  vis  curari,  sed  morbo  nescio  quali, 

Accipias  herbam ;  sed  qualem  nescio  vel  quam, 

Ponas  nescio  quo,  curabere,  nescio  quando. 

IMITATION. 

If  you  would  be  cured,  I  know  not  of 
what  malady,  take  I  know  not  of  what 
herb,  put  it  I  know  not  where ;  you  will 
be  cured  I  know  not  when. 

*  *  * 
Automno  segrotos  qui  plures  sustulit  uno 
Quam  folia  Automni  frigore  lapsa  cadunt, 
Languebat  medicus  Themison,  et  flamina  vitae 
Praecipit ;  ardebat  scindere  Parca  manu 
Corripuit  dextra  fusci  regnator  Averni, 
Iratusque  Deae  talia  voce  dedit : 

Tunc  ilium  stygias  toties  qui  mittit  ad  undas 
Millia  tot  hominem  toUere  stulta  vales  ? 

IMITATION. 

In  a  single  autumn  he  killed  more  sick 
than  the  cold  kills  of  leaves  at  the  ap- 
proach of  winter.  So  Themison  himself, 
in  turn,  fell  ill  and  thought  his  end  near ; 
but  the  King  of  Hell  seized  Parc^  by  the 
hand  and  said  with  irritated  voice :  "  How  ? 
Here  is  a  man  who  has  oftentimes  sent 
many  thousands  of  men  into  our  kingdom  ; 
do  you  wish  him  to  die?  Thou  art  a 
fool !  " 

*  *  * 

BROCARD    AGAINST    PHYSICIANS. 

Le  gros  excrements  et  Purine, 
Ce  sont  des  mets  tres  precieux 

Pour  les  Docteurs  en  medecine 

Puisqu'  il  les  flairent  en  tous  lieux. 

RESPONSE    OF    THE    DOCTORS. 
Sunt  nobis  signa,  at  vobis  sunt  fercula  digna. 


70 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


APHORISMS    ON    PHYSICIANS'    FEES. 

Exige  dum  dolor  est,  nam  postquam  cura. 
Audebit  sanus  dicere  ;  multa  dedi. 

IMITATION. 

Require  money  during  illness;  with 
health  your  client  will  only  say,  "  I  have 
given  you  much  already." 

* 
Dum  dolet  infirmus,  medicus  sit  pignore  firmus ; 
Ars  quae  non  venditur  vilipenditur. 

IMITATION. 

While  the  patient  is  still  feeble,  then 
should  he  be  made  to  pay  fees;  they 
always  have  a  contempt  for  what  they  have 
not  paid. 

Exige  dum  dolet;  post  curam  medicus  olet.(') 
IMITATION. 

Make  thy  pay  while  the  patient  suffers ; 
after  recovery  the  doctor  smells. 

*  o.  * 

Empta  solet  care  multos  medicina  juvare; 
Si  data  sit  gratis  nil  confert  utilitatis. 

IMITATION. 

Dearly-purchased    remedies   ordinarily 

I  This  aphorism  is  imitated  from  that  of  Hip- 
pocrates, who  says:  '*Accipi  dum  dolet,  quia 
sanus  solvere  nolet,"  or,  in  English,  ''Receive 
ihy  fees  while  the  patient  is  sick  ;  cured  he  will 
no  longer  pay  thee." 

Enricus  Cordus  has  expressed  the  same  idea, 
only  in  a  more  original  way : 

Ties  medicus  fades  habet,  unam  quando  rogatur, 
Angelicum:  mox  est  cum  juvat  ipse  Deus. 
I'ost  ubi  curato  poscit  sua  praemia  morbo, 
1  lorridus  apparet  terribilis  que  Satan. 


cure  our  patients ;  when  given  for  nothing 
they  have  no  effect. 

*  ^  * 

Tunc  dicunt  medici :  da,  da,(*) 
Cum  dicit  languidis  :  ha!  ha! 

IMITATION. 
When  the  patient  cries,  Eh?  Eh? 
The  doctor  should  remark,  pay  !  pay  ! 

*  :ic  * 
LATIN    PROVERBS    AND    SENTENCES. 

Medice,  cura  te  ipsuni.  Physician,  heal 
thyself. 

Post-mortem  medicus.  After  death,  the 
doctor. 

Arrka  mortis  medici  pretium.  Fees  to 
the  physician,  pledges  to  the  dead. 

Multi  nomine  medici,  re  perpauci.  We 
count  many  doctors  by  name,  but  few  in 
fact. 

Invidia  medicorum  pessima.  It  is  among 
physicians  that  the  sentiment  of  envy  is 
most  developed. 

Nihil  prceter  medicorum  arrogantiam. 
Nothing  equals  the  arrogance  of  doctors. 

Ubi  tres  medici  duo  athei.  There  are 
two  atheists  out  of  three  doctors. 

Solis  medicis  licet  impune  occidere.  Doc- 
tors are  the  only  persons  who  may  kill  with 
impunity. 

Medicina  turpis  disciplina.  Medicine  is 
a  shameful  science. 

He  hath  a  physician's  complexion. 

Thou  liest  like  a  doctor ! 

I  These  last  distichs  are  imperfect,  and  are 
only  reproduced  because  found  among  the  others. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


KRKNCH     AUTHORS. 


FABLES  OF  THE  THIRTEENTH  CENTURY. 


It  is  said  that  Hippocrates,  before 
having  the  celebrated  reputation  which  im- 
mortalized him  since,  having  arrived  in 
Rome  in  the  time  of  Augustus,  found,  on 
his  entrance,  the  whole  city  in  mourning 
on  account  of  the  death  of  the  Emperor's 
nephew ;  but  that,  being  led  to  the  palace, 
he  poured  a  few  drops  of  some  plant's 
juice  into  the  Prince's  mouth,  whereat  the 
latter  came  to  life.  The  Fabulist  adds  that 
Augustus,  recognizing  the  greatness  of  this 
art,  immediately  ordered  two  statues,  one 
representing  his  nephew,  the  other  in  the 
image  of  Hippocrates,  the  which  were 
placed  at  the  city's  gates  with  an  inscrip- 
tion announcing  that  Hippocrates,  by  his 
divine  knowledge,  had  revived  the  dead 
Prince.  (') 

After  this  physician  had  lived  in  Rome 
a  few  months,  honored  by  the  Emperor  to 

I  It  is  difficult  to  show  a  more  profound  con- 
tempt for  chronology  and  history  than  is  evi- 
denced by  this  fable.  It  was  to  Antonius  Musa 
that  the  Athenians  raised  a  statue,  as  this  physi 
clan  saved  the  life  of  the  Emperor  Augustus  ;  but, 
later,  this  same  physician  was  held  responsible  for 
the  death  of  Marcellus,  the  Emperor's  nephew, 
and  his  statue  torn  down  by  the  enraged  popu- 
lace. Hippocrates  could  not  have  participated  in 
such  an  affair,  as  he  died  more  thatifour  hundred 
years  prior  to  this  time.  If  the  poetical  author  of 
this  fable  chose  the  father  of  medicine  for  this 
story,  it  was  to  increase,  by  the  gravity  of  the 
personages  named,  the  ridiculous  comedy  of  the 
situation. 


whom  he  had  rendered  such  great  service 
and  adored  by  the  people  as  a  God,  a 
woman  suddenly  appeared  upon  the  scene 
and  turned  the  adulation  into  laughing 
ridicule.  She  was  Gallic,  of  illustrious 
birth  and  a  rare  beauty.  Augustus,  who 
sought  to  treat  her  with  distinction,  had 
given,  to  serve  her,  maids,  and  one  of  his 
palaces  having  a  tower.  She  desired  to 
know  the  beauties  of  the  city,  and  her  first 
moments  of  leisure  were  employed  in 
glancing  over  the  landscape;  and  one  day, 
noticing  the  two  statues,  she  asked  why 
and  on  what  occasion  they  had  been 
erected.  This  being  explained  to  her,  and 
also  being  told  of  the  inscription,  she  broke 
out  into  peals  of  mocking  laughter  and 
exclaimed:  ''I  was  ignorant  up  to  this 
moment  that  Rome  possessed  a  God,  and 
am  astonished  to  know  that  the  people  still 
die.  Give  me  this  little  God  for  one  day 
only,  and  I  swear  on  my  head  he  shall  no 
longer  make  fools  of  humanity."  Accord- 
ing to  usage,  some  one  duly  carried  this 
remark  to  Hippocrates.  Curiosity  and 
selfconceit  were  aroused  in  the  physician, 
and  he  wished  to  meet  this  singular  woman 
who  announced  with  so  much  assurance 
the  power  of  her  beauty,  and  so  sought  the 
occasion  for  an  interview.  But  this  was  a 
misfortune,  and  what  she  had  predicted 
was  only  too  soon  verified ;  for  she  was  so 
charming,  so  diplomatic  in  conversation, 


72 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


so  full  of  grace  and  sportiveness,  and 
pleased  him  so  much,  finally,  that  in  spite 
of  her  defiance,  which  should  have  put  him 
on  his  guard,  he  fell  desperately  in  love. 
Soon  this  passion  became  so  strong  that, 
losing  his  reason  and  repose,  he  fell  ill. 
The  Emperor  came  to  visit  him.  Ladies 
of  the  Court  followed  the  example  of  His 
Majesty,  and  even  the  fair  stranger  called; 
but  the  latter  had  divined  by  womanly 
instinct  the  nature  of  the  physician's  afflic- 
tion, and  was  careful  to  make  her  visit  at 
the  moment  when  they  should  be  alone ; 
and,  in  a  tone  of  amity,  she  asked  the  phy- 
sician some  questions  relative  to  his  condi- 
tion. He  was  only  too  happy  for  the 
opportunity  to  unbosom  himself  and  avow 
the  cause  of  his  troubles,  and  naively  con- 
fessed he  was  dying  for  love  of  her.  This 
was  all  she  desired ;  so,  affecting  a  tender- 
ness of  manner  and  anxiety  as  to  his  woes, 
and  with  every  appearance  of  good  faith, 
she  spoke  to  him  thus  :  "  I  should  expose 
myself  to  reproach,  without  doubt,  if,  being 
able  to  save  a  man  of  your  merit,  I  should 
cause  his  death  ;  but,  while  you  have  in- 
spired in  me  all  the  love  you  feel  for  me,  I 
will  ask  you,  in  the  situation  where  I  find 
myself,  and  with  the  number  of  eyes  con- 
stantly watching  my  movements,  how  it  is 
possible  that  I  can  give  you  any  proof  of 
my  esteem  ?  Deign  but  for  a  short  time  to 
be  content  with  my  regrets,  and,  with  the 
assurance  of  the  desire  that  I  have  to  pro- 
long your  days,  receive  that  which  I  shall 
give  you  by  agreeing  in  advance  to  supply 
me  with  all  the  means  that  your  tenderness 
can  imagine." 

She  left  him  after  thus  speaking,  as 
though  blushing  at  her  unmaidenly  re- 
marks. As  for  Hippocrates,  he  was  filled 
with  hope  and  health,  and  was  soon  in  a 
'  onditition  to  repair  to  the  palace,  there  to 
resume  his  courtship  of  the  beautiful  Gaul. 


"Ah!"  said  she,  the  first  time  they  met 
again,  ''you  have  found  means  to  reproach 
me  ?  Have  you  found  some  way  by  which 
we  can  meet  unknown  to  the  world  ?  What 
can  we  do  ?  "  And  he  responded,  sadly  : 
"  Day  and  night  I  dream  of  you,  but,  up 
to  this  moment,  I  have  discovered  no  ex- 
pedient." Then  she  sighed  and  said  softly: 
"Then  you  may  thank  me,  since,  having 
more  ardor  than  yourself,  I  have  in  my 
search  found  a  place  of  happiness.  You 
know  the  tower  of  my  house  ;  come  under 
its  walls  at  night  in  a  basket  large  enough 
to  contain  your  body.  I,  for  my  part, 
while  my  maids  are  asleep,  will  come  with 
my  young  lady  cousin,  who  I  know  will 
serve  in  our  interests ;  we  will  let  down  a 
rope  from  the  tower,  that  you  must  fasten 
to  the  basket ;  as  soon  as  you  are  in  the 
basket  we  will  lift  you  up  to  the  tower, 
and  then,  without  any  intrusion  or  fear,  I 
shall  give  you  a  lasting  proof  of  my  tender- 
ness." 

Hippocrates  was  so  blinded  by  his 
passion  that  this  stupid  snare  to  him  ap- 
peared the  most  adroit  of  stratagems.  He 
overwhelmed  the  charmer  with  thanks,  and 
left  in  haste  to  buy  a  large  basket,  awaiting 
afterwards  with  burning  impatience  the 
coming  of  the  night. 

Soon,  when  he  deemed  all  the  world 
asleep,  he  made  his  way  to  the  foot  of  the 
tower  with  his  basket,  and  found — imagine 
his  joy  1 — the  cord  hanging  from  the  wall. 
He  was  soon  drawn  up  almost  to  the  top, 
when  the  lady  fair  fastened  the  rope  and 
he  remained  suspended  in  mid  air.  She 
laughed  at  him  from  above,  and,  wishing 
him  peaceful  slumbers  and  happy  dreams, 
retired  to  her  room  in  the  palace. 

Now,  in  those  days  at  Rome,  they  had 
a  particular  custom ;  it  was  this :  certain 
crimes,  which  were  not  esteemed  to  merit 
death,  caused  the  culprits  to  be  suspended 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


73 


for  a  whole  day  in  a  basket  from  a  tower, 
and  these  baskets  were  known  as  Judgment 
baskets. 

When  Hippocrates  saw  the  trap  into 
which  he  had  fallen  he  became  desperate, 
and  cursed  his  unholy  passion  a  thousand 
times,  and  likewise  despised  all  woman 
kind ;  but  it  was  too  late,  and  he  was 
obliged  to  pass  the  night  in  this  uncomfort- 
able situation.  Day  appeared  and  dawned 
upon  his  opf  11  bhaiiie.  iii  vain  he  hid  his 
face  with  his  hands — all  the  world  recog 
nized  him ;  during  the  whole  day  he  was 
exposed  to  the  gibes  and  hootings  of  the 
populace.  The  guards  on  the  tower  sup- 
posed the  great  physician  was  hung  out  by 
order  of  the  Emperor,  and  refused  to  lower 
the  basket.  In  the  evening  Augustus  hap- 
pily returned,  and,  surprised  at  seeing  some 
one  hanging  from  the  tower  without  his 
orders,  demanded  who  it  might  be.  When 
they  told  him  Hippocrates,  he  immediately 
ordered  the  basket  to  be  lowered,  announc- 
ing, in  wrath,  that  the  physician  should  be 
avenged.  But,  when  he  learned  the  true 
cause  of  this  mockery  and  why  his  physi- 
cian was  thus  served,  he  laughed  so  long 
and  loud  that  the  echoes  of  his  merri- 
ment resounded  from  the  many  Roman 
hills.  (') 

-k. 

FROISSART  (1327  to  1410). 

CHRONICLES. 

And  thus,  little  by  little,  by  the  grace 
of  God,  the  King  slowly  convalesced  until 

I  An  ivory  tablet,  belonging  to  the  Abbey 
Saint  Germain  des  Pres,  reproduces  the  subject  of 
this  fable.  Hippocrates,  hat  on  head,  is  seen  sus- 
pended in  a  basket  from  a  tower,  the  fair  dame 
and  her  young  cousin  smiling  from  above  ,  below 
is  noticed  the  Emperor,  ordering  his  servants  to 
lower  the  basket.  See  "  Antiquite  expliquee  "  of 
Montfaucon. 


in  good  health ;  and  when  Guillaunie  de 
Harselli,  his  physician,  saw  His  Majesty 
restored,  he  was  joyous,  and  with  reason, 
too,  inasmuch  as  he  had  made  a  cure; 
and  there  entered  the  Duke  of  Orleans  and 
the  King's  uncles,  Berry,  Bourgogne,  and 
Bourbon,  and  the  physician  said  to  them  : 
*'  God  be  thanked,  the  King  is  well  again. 
I  return  him  to  your  keeping." 

Now,  it  was  deemed  wise  to  retain  the 
services  of  Guillaume  in  the  Royal  house- 
hold, and  give  him  enough  to  content  him 
for  life ;  for  this  is  the  usual  reward  that 
physicians  have  who  derive  revenues  from 
great  lords  and  grand  ladies  and  those  of 
the  other  nobility  they  visit.  And  the 
physician  was  implored  to  remain  in  His 
Majesty's  service ;  but  he  excused  himself 
and  said  that  he  was  already  an  old  man, 
feeble  and  impotent,  and  that  he  was  un- 
able to  submit  to  Court  rules  of  etiquette, 
and  that  he  wished  to  return  to  his  native 
place.  When  they  saw  that  it  could  not 
be  otherwise,  and  not  wishing  to  anger 
him,  they  permitted  him  to  depart,  and  on 
his  leaving  presented  him  with  a  thousand 
crowns  in  gold.  And  they  presented  him 
with  four  horses  and  a  chariot,  to  be  used 
at  any  time  he  desired  to  visit  the  Royal 
Palace ;  but  he  only  called  on  the  King 
once  afterwards,  I  believe,  for  he  went  to 
Laon,  where  he  usually  dwelt,  and  died  a 
very  rich  man.  He  was  a  true  medical 
financier,  as  he  left  thirty  thousand  francs. 
He  was  one  of  the  meanest  and  most  avari- 
cious men  I  ever  knew,  and  all  his  pleasure 
consisted  in  counting  his  money.  At  his 
home  he  only  spent  two  Paris  sous  a  day, 
but  would  visit  and  eat  and  drink  as  much 
as  he  could  carry.  All  doctors  are  much 
like  him. 

*  ^  :!i 


74 


The  lEvil  that  has  heen  said  of  Doctors. 


OLIVIER  BASSELIN  (Fifteenth  cen- 
tury). 

VAN    DE    VIRE.(') 

One  of  my  neighbors  sick  was  lying, 

Gasping  with  weak  and  feverish  breath. 
♦*  Alas  !  they'll  kill  me,"  said  he  sighing, 

"  Forbidding  wine,  and  barley  water's  death. 

"  Alas!  my  thirst  is  great,  annoying; 
I'd  like  one  drink  before  I  die ; 
Neighbor,  with  you  one  glass  enjoying — 
Pray  quickly  to  the  vintner's  hie. 

"  Dear  friend  my  wish  don't  be  denying, 
Always  to  me  you've  been  a  brother; 
Now  for  the  wine  in  haste  go  flying, 
We'll  take  one  parting  glass  together. 

**  Since  Doctor's  made  me  quit  a-drinking 

My  flask  I've  left  you  in  my  will. 

These  doctors,  I  can't  help  a-thinking, 

Don't  cure  as  often  as  they  kill." 

Thus  spoke  my  neighbor  sick  and  weary. 

Of  wine  we  drank  full  bottles  five. 
The  lever  left  him  blithe  and  cheery ; 

He's  still  a-drinking,  and  alive. 


* 


* 


* 


PHILIPPE  DE  COMMINES  (1447 
to  1509). 

MEMOIRS. — LIV    VI.,  CHAPTER    XII. 

He  had  his  medical  attendant,  who 
was  called  Master  Jacques  Cottier,  to 
whom,  in  five  months'  time,  he  gave  fifty- 
four  thousand  crowns,  and  the  Bishopric  of 
Amiens  for  his  nephew,  and  other  offices 
and  lands  to  the  physician's  friends.  The 
doctor  was  very  rude  to  him,  and  one 
polite  would  not  have  used  towards  his 
valet  such  harsh  words,  and  My  Lord 
feared  his  medical  attendant  so  much  that 


I  This  song  has  been  translated  before  in  an 
English  version  of  "  Le  Moyen  Age  Medical"  of 
Dr.  Edmond  Dupouy,  published  in  1889  in  the 
Cincinnati  Lancet-Clinic  by  t.  c.  m. 


he  dared  not  discharge  him,  and  he  com- 
plained to  all  those  who  conversed  on  the 
subject,  but  yet  did  not  exchange  him  as 
he  would  have  done  with  other  servants, 
for  the  doctor  always  said  to  him  most  im- 
pudently :  '*  I  know  full  well  you  will  dis- 
charge me  some  morning;   but  by  

(here  he  swore  a  wicked  oath)  you  will  not 
live  eight  days  after  I  have  gone."  These 
words  so  frightened  My  Lord  that  he  only 
flattered  and  gave  the  physician  more 
gifts,  so  that  earth  was  an  eternal  Purga- 
tory to  His  Lordship,  seeing  the  great 
obedience  and  respect  he  had  received 
from  good  and  wise  men. 

*  *  * 
PIERRE  BLANCHET  (about  1400). 

LA    FARCE    DE    MAISTRE    PATHELIN. 

Pathelin  : 

These  doctors  they  have  slain  me! 

Through  their  vile  drugs  I  relax  ! 
My  belief  is,  though  it  pain  thee. 
They  mould  mankind  like  wax. 

(Version  of  Ed.  Fournier.) 

*  *  * 

RABELAIS  (1494  to  1553). 

GARGANTUA. 

Here  note  that  his  dinner  was  sober 
and  frugal,  for  he  only  eat  to  prevent  the 
gnawings  of  his  stomach ;  but  his  supper 
was  copious  and  large,  for  he  then  took  as 
much  as  was  necessary  to  maintain  and 
nourish  him.  This  then  is  the  true  diet 
prescribed  by  the  art  of  good  and  safe 
physic,  though  a  mob  of  blockhead  doc- 
tors, befuzzled  in  the  fooleries  of  Sophis- 
ters  advise  to  the  contrary. 

PANTAGRUEL. 

He  came  to  Montpellier,  where  he  met 
the  good  wines  of  Mirevaulx  and  joyous 
company,  and  thought  to  study  medicine; 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


75 


But  he  considered  the  profession  injurious, 
owing  to  its  melancholy  features,  and  that 
doctors  smelt  of  clysters  like  old  devils. 

PANTAGRUEL. 

He  found  the  library  of  Saint  Victor 
very  magnificent,  especially  in  books, 
which  might  be  enumerated  as  follows : 
"The  Bumsquibcracker  of  the  Apothe- 
caries," ''The  Kissbreech  of  Chirurgery," 
"The  Cacatorum  Medicorum."(0 

PANTAGRUEL. 

I  do  not  remember  to  have  seen  you 
before  now  since  you  played  at  MontpeUier 
with  our  ancient  friends,  Saporta,  Guy 
Bouguier,  Balthazar  Noyer,  Toilet,  Jean 
Quentin,  Francois  Robinet,  Jean  Perdrier, 
and  Francois  Rabelais ;  when  we  acted  the 
moral  comedy  of  him  who  married  a  dumb 
woman.  Q  "  I  was  there,"  quoth  Episte- 
mon.  "The  good  man,  her  husband, 
wished  she  might  speak.  He  dwelt  on  the 
arts  of  medicine  and  surgery  and  wished  to 
have  the  tongue  string  cut.  Speech  re- 
covered, she  spoke  so  much  that  her  hus- 
band returned  to  the  physicians  for  some 
remedy  to  prevent  her  garrulity.  The 
physicians   said   that  while  medicine  had 

1  The  author  of  "The  True  Rabelais"  (1697), 
probably  Jean  Bernier,  himself  a  physician,  is  not 
very  tender  towards  his  professional  brothers. 
Among  other  pleasantries  addressed  them  in  this 
work  we  cull  the  following:  "A  physician, 
Medicus,  is  a  beggar  Medicus."  He  translates 
the  R  of  recipe,  placed  at  the  head  of  a  prescrip- 
tion, "Take  all  you  can."  Apropos  to  "Caca- 
torum Medicorum,"  he  remarks:  "This  book 
being  the  most  famous  one  in  the  whole  of  medi- 
cal literature,  yet  we  might  substitute  '  Com- 
placentiae  Medicor.'  For  it  is  more  in  the  pot  and 
in  clysters  that  physicians  find  the  silver  mines  of 
Peru." 

2  Rabelais  here  alludes  to  his  farce  of  the 
"  Dumb  Wife,"  in  which  he  was  the  principal 
actor. 


means  to  make  a  woman  talk,  it  had  no 
remedy  to  make  her  hold  her  tongue.  The 
only  remedy  would  be  to  make  the  hus- 
band deaf.  The  old  man  became  so  deaf 
that  he  knew  not  what  charms  he  had  lost. 
His  wife,  seeing  that  he  no  longer  listened, 
became  enraged.  The  physicians  demand- 
ed their  fees,  and  the  husband  was  so  deaf 
he  could  not  hear  their  demands." 

PANTAGRUEL. 

Theologians  are  appointed  to  guard  our 
souls,  who  for  the  most  part  are  heretics. 
Our  bodies  are  kept  by  physicians,  who 
all  abhor  and  never  take  medicine  them- 
selves. We  employ  lawyers  to  look  after 
our  worldly  goods,  who  never  litigate  with 
each  other. 

PANTAGRUELISMS. 

Hippocrates  very  properly  compares 
the  practice  of  medicine  to  a  combat  and 
farce  played  by  three  actors — the  patient, 
the  doctor,  and  the  disease. 

It  is  difficult  to  conceive  how  a  physi- 
cian who  neglects  his  own  health  can  care 
for  the  health  of  others  properly. 

"  Have  a  care,  gentlemen  !  "  said  Pan- 
tagruel.  "This  great  Brignenarilles,  the 
swallower  of  whole  windmills,  is  dead. 
He  died  suffocated  and  strangled  by  a 
lump  of  butter  prescribed  for  him  by  the 
doctors.  "(^) 


I  These  extracts  are  not  translated  at  length 
from  the  original  for  the  reason  that  as  several 
excellent  English  versions  of  "  Rabelais"  are  ex- 
tant, and  as  the  work  is  much  given  to  medicine, 
it  should  be  on  every  doctor's  bookshelf, 

*  *  * 


76 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


ANONYMOUS  (about  i486). 


Death  : 


LA    GRANDE    DANSE    MACABRE. 

Physicians,  urine  boilers  all, 

You  see  that  here  I  reign. 
Death,  Ancient  Medicine,  I  call ! 

Ee'n  to  command  I  deign. 
Come  !  'tis  Death  doth  thus  command. 

You've  others  slain,  'tis  sure  ; 
My  orders  ne'er  you'll  countermand  ; 

Doctors  themselves  can't  cure. 

The  Doctor:  Long  time  to  the  art  of 
physic  I  have  appUed  all  my  study.  I 
have  had  science  and  practice  to  cure  each 
disease,  but  I  know  that  there  is  no  herb 
nor  root  nor  other  remedy  against  Death. 


CLEMENT   MAROT   (1495  to  1544). 

ESPISTRE    AU    ROY    POUR    AVOIT    ESTE 
DESROBE. 

Et  pour  autant,  Sire,  que(')  je  suis  a  vous, 

De  trois  jours  I'un  viennent  taster  mon  poux 

Messieurs  Braillon,  le  Coq,  Akaquia(=) 

Pour  me  garder  d'aller  jusqu'  a  quia. 

Tout  consulte  ont  remis  au  Printemps 

Ma  guerison  ;  mais  a  ce  que  j'entens. 

Si  je  ne  puis  au  Printemps  arriver, 

Je  suis  raille  de  mourir  en  Yver  ; 

Et  en  danger,  si  en  Yver  je  meurs, 

De  ne  voir  pas  les  premiers  raisins  meurs. 


1  Equivalent  to  as  true  as. 

2  Three  amorous  doctors  of  that  period.  The 
most  celebrated,  Martin  Akakia,  was  physician  to 
Francis  I.  Voltaire  has  immortalized  his  name 
in  giving  it  to  the  pretended  "  physician  to  the 
Pope,"  who  defends  his  companions  in  his  in- 
genious diatribe  against  "  the  native  of  Malo," 
otherwise  known  as  Maupertuis.  This  physician 
bore  the  name  of  Malicen,  but  finding  this  name 
ridiculous,  he  turned  it  into  Greek  and  called 
himself  Akakia.  The  savants  of  that  time,  be- 
sides, were  accustomed  to  Latinize  their  names, 
thus,  Jean  Loisel  was  termed  Avis,  Dubois  was 
was  known  as  Sylvius,  etc.,  etc. 


BERNARD    DE  PALISSY  (1510  to 
1590)- 

TREATISE  ON  POTABLE  GOLD. 

In  a  small  village  of  Poitou  there  was 
once  a  physician  with  about  as  little  skill 
as  any  man  in  the  Province,  yet  he  was 
shrewd  and  made  the  population  perfectly 
worship  his  talent.  He  had  a  secret  study 
near  the  door  of  his  house,  and  through 
the  key-hole  he  saw  those  who  brought 
him  urine  for  examination.  His  wife,  who 
connived  with  him  in  his  trickery  and  was 
instructed  how  to  act,  always  seated  herself 
on  a  chair  near  the  study,  and  interrogated 
the  messenger  carrying  the  urine,  telling 
him  that  her  husband  was  out  visiting  pa- 
tients, and  then  inquiring  how  long  the 
servants  master  had  been  ill,  the  date  ot 
the  illness,  what  portions  of  the  body  were 
afflicted,  thus  securing  all  the  symptoms 
and  effects  of  the  malady.  While  the  mes- 
senger, having  responded  to  these  queries, 
was  waiting,  the  physician,  who  had  heard 
all,  would  quietly  slip  out  a  back  door  and 
enter  at  the  front  of  the  house.  Then  the 
wife  would  say  to  the  messenger:  ''This  is 
my  husband,  you  may  speak  to  him  now 
that  he  has  arrived." 

The  messenger  would  then  hand  the 
physician  the  patient's  urine,  which  the 
doctor  would  examine  with  a  critical  and 
learned  eye,  and,  after  discoursing  on  the 
nature  of  the  disease,  following  the  line 
laid  down  by  the  messenger's  previous 
answers  heard  through  the  key-hole,  w^ould 
make  a  wonderful  diagnosis  and  progno- 
sis. When  the  messenger  returned  home 
to  the  patient  and  recounted  the  doctor's 
wonderful  medical  acumen,  it  sounded  like 
a  miracle,  that  one  should  know  the  nature 
of  a  disease  and  all  its  particulars  by 
merely  looking  at  a  specimen  of  urine,  so 
that  by  this  means  the  physician  obtained 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


77 


an  enormous  reputation  and  increased  his 
wealth  largely  from  day  to  day. 

FOUNTAIN    WATER. 

Once  on  a  time  there  was  a  physician 
who  saw  but  few  patients  and  fewer  fees, 
and  so,  in  order  to  secure  practice,  he 
threw  some  tasteless  drugs  in  the  wells  of 
his  neighbors  in  the  town  he  inhabited, 
which  caused  all  those  who  drank  the 
water  to  have  a  diarrhoea,  that  tormented 
them  greatly  and  led  them  to  seek  a  phy- 
sician's aid ;  those  who  consulted  our 
worthy  friend  were  given  very  valuable 
and  high-priced  remedies ;  they  were  told 
to  drink  good  wine  and  eschew  water  for 
some  weeks,  and,  thanks  to  this  subterfuge, 
the  before-named  young  doctor  secured 
the  practice  of  the  village,  his  medical 
rivals  not  being  able  to  restrain  their  pa- 
tients' diarrhoeas  so  long  as  the  latter  drank 
water,  which  they  advised,  inasmuch  as 
the  new  comer  had  given  the  opposite 
counsel. 

*  * 

ESTIENNE    HENRI   (1528  to  1598). 

A    SHARP    PHYSICIAN. 

I  will  tell  you  a  story  I  once  heard  at 
my  father's  house  in  Paris  while  in  good 
company,  for  we  had  with  us  a  jolly  phy- 
sician, a  man  of  fine  reputation,  who  spoke 
as  follows:  "I  once  attended  a  big  iat 
priest,  and  did  my  medical  duty  so  well 
that  in  a  very  few  days  he  recovered. 
Now,  during  the  period  he  was  ill,  he 
promised  me  birds  and  dogs,  but  the  mo- 
ment he  commenced  to  convalesce  he  was 
forgetful,  even  so  far  as  not  to  thank  me 
for  my  trouble  in  his  behalf.  Now  I  shall 
tell  you  how  I  forced  him  to  pay  me. 
Before  leaving  him  I  warned  him  that  I 
feared  he  might  have  a  relapse,  and  gave 
him    a  remedy  to  take  two  days  after  my 


last  visit.  Two  hours  after  taking  this 
remedy  he  found,  to  his  cost,  that  he 
needed  a  physician  worse  than  ever  before 
in  his  life.  Finding  himself  in  a  dangerous 
state,  he  sent  one  messenger  after  another 
to  find  me ;  but  I  always  forgot  to  make 
the  visit,  as  he  had  forgotten  to  pay  me. 
Finally,  he  sent  a  trusted  servant  with  a 
handful  of  money,  who  said  that  his  master 
prayed  me,  for  God's  sake,  to  call  immedi- 
ately, as  he  thought  he  could  not  live  much 
longer  without  my  aid.  This  servant  had 
brought  what  was  needed.  I  visited  the 
priest,  and  three  days  later  he  was  well. 
And  I  ?  Well,  I  received  another  handful 
of  money." 

AN    AVARICIOUS   DJCTOR. 

Let  me  speak  of  a  physician  whose 
avarice  exceeded  that  of  any  medical  man 
I  have  ever  met ;  I  need  not  go  long  back 
to  find  him,  since  his  name  was  Jacob 
Sylvius.  God  gave  to  this  person  a  very 
profound  knowledge  of  medicine,  and  had 
especially  endowed  him  with  the  gift  of 
language,  for  his  Latin  was  most  pure  and 
beautiful;  besides,  he  had  all  the  special 
graces  of  theory  as  he  had  in  practice,  and 
was  even  called  a  second  Galen.  This 
man  so  let  the  spirit  of  avarice  overcome 
him  that  he  forgot  God,  in  place  of  honor- 
ing him,  and  the  great  gifts  derived  from 
on  High.  He  had  many  students,  only 
five  or  six  among  the  number  being  in- 
structed gratis,  the  rest — there  were  several 
hundreds — paying  him  each  a  crown  a 
month ;  but  he  took  it  so  to  heart  that  the 
few  poor  students  paid  him  nought,  that 
one  day,  at  his  lectures  in  Paris,  he  noticed 
among  the  students  two  of  these  poverty- 
stricken  scholars  who  had  not  paid,  and 
ordered  them  from  the  lecture-room ;  see- 
ing they  were  unwilling  to  do  so,  he  said 
to  his  other  auditors   that  if  they  did  not 


78 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


put  these  non-paying  parties  out  he  would 
no  longer  lecture.  What  I  have  recounted 
is  not  hearsay,  for  I  was  an  eyewitness  to 
this  scene.  One  of  these  poor  scholars 
afterwards  made  the  famous  epitaph  on 
Sylvius  in  such  charming  verses  and  grace- 
ful lines,  that  certain  it  is  that  the  un- 
bounded avarice  of  Jacob  Sylvius  could 
not  be  better  described.  The  lines  read 
thus : 

Sylvius  hie  situs  est,  gratis  qui  nil  dedit  un- 

quam  ; 
Mortuus  et  gratis  quod  legis  ista,  dolet.(*) 

This  person,  aside  from  his  avarice,  had 
the  misfortune  of  also  being  jealous  of  all 
other  doctors,  as  was  noticeable  on  the 
occasion  when  he  delivered  his  first  lecture 
after  being  made  professor  by  the  King ; 
for  he  reminded  his  hearers  that  there  was 
no  science  equal  to  medicine,  properly 
practiced,  but  that  it  was  a  great  folly  for 
poor  men  to  undertake  its  study,  alleging, 
among  other  things,  that  passage  from 
Juvenal : 

Haud    temere    emergunt   quorum    virtutibus 

obstat. 
Res  augusta  domi.(») 

These  ignorant  and  impudent  doctors 
sometimes  practice  deceit  with  the  apothe- 

1  Here  lies  great  Sylvius,  who  never  gratis 

gave, 
He'd  charge  for  reading  these  lines  on  his 
grave. 

An  imitation  in  French,  by  Guillaume  Colle- 
tet,  reads  as  follows  : 

De  r  avare  Dubois  la  science  feconde 

Ne    donna    rien    pour  rien    tant  qu'  il    vecut    au 

monde, 
Et  si  son  corps  s'anime  encore  pour  le  bien, 
II  est  sous  ce  tombeau  qui  murmure  et  qui  gronde 
De  quoi  tu  lis  ces  vers  sans  qu'il   t'en   coute  rien. 

2  Those  whose  virtues  meet  the  opposition  of 
poverty  have  difficulty  in  elevating  their  rank. 


caries  who  hold  the  recipes  of  learned  phy- 
sicians, marking  the  prescriptions  for  such 
and  such  a  disease,  without  regarding 
whether  the  invalid  has  the  same  tempera- 
ment, the  same  age,  lives  in  the  same 
manner,  or  be  of  the  same  sex,  but  never- 
theless make  all  swallow  the  same  medi- 


cme. 


IGNORANCE    IS    BLISS. 


Barbers  and  surgeons  are  close  allied. 
One  of  the  former  once  came  to  bleed  me 
for  a  catarrh,  and  asked  me  if  I  desired  to 
be  sacrificed.  ''How,"  said  I,  ''sacri- 
ficed ?  Certainly  my  doctor  has  not  said 
that?"  And  he  answered  promptly: 
"Ah!  no,  your  doctor  did  not  say  that, 
but  I  have  sacrificed  so  many  others  skil- 
fully that  I  find  it  an  easy  matter."  Having 
thought  to  myself  a  moment,  I  knew  that 
he  intended  to  use  the  word  scarify  and 
not  sacrifice,  and  told  him  it  was  not  a  bar- 
ber's business  to  use  the  word  sacrificcy 
although  doctors  could  use  the  same  with- 
out compunction. 

NOEL  DU  FAIL  (Sixteenth  century). 
Stories  of  Eutrapel. 

THE    APOTHECARY    OF    ANGERS. 

"  Go  scratch  yourself!  "  said  Leopold, 
"and  submit  to  all  the  other  miseries  in- 
flicted by  our  fool  masters  with  their  qui 
pro  quo,  with  which  they  abuse  people  and 
their  purses;  for  that  which  is  worth  five 
sous  they  sell  for  twenty,  not  being  subject 
to  police  restriction  as  to  the  price  of  their 
drugs.  For  these  apothecaries  have  come 
to  this,  that  they  permit  only  the  doctors 
to  see  the  ingredients  of  the  prescription 
ordered,  saying  they  will  do  wrong  if  they 
show  the  same  to  their  clients.  But  they 
err  in  this  as  they  do  in  the  selection  of 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


79 


plants  and  grains  brought  for  their  inspec- 
tion :  if  these  be  new  they  attribute  to 
them  the  most  admirable  powers  and 
properties,  whereas  such  herbs  may  be  per- 
fectly worthless.  Witness  that  druggist  of 
Lyons  who  lately  sent  to  Champenois,  the 
learned  apothecary  of  Rennes,  a  package 
of  black  wheat  (buckwheat)  culled  in  our 
province,  Sarrazin,  together  with  a  full  de- 
scription of  its  marked  medicinal  qualities 
and  the  price,  which  was  a  golden  crown 
per  pound.  But  the  fraud  was  fortunately 
discovered;  the  packet  was  returned  to 
the  sender,  with  the  remark  that  ten  thou- 
sand rations  of  this  rare  drug  could  be  fur- 
nished the  Lyons  druggist's  horse  at  the 
same  price,  for  in  truth  the  poor  of  our 
Province  had  used  this  grain  for  over  sixty 
years,  owing  to  the  poverty  of  the  soil  as 
regards  the  raising  of  other  grains. 


RONSARD  (i6th  century). 

ODES. 
Dequoy  sert  done  la  niedecine 
Et  tout  le  gaiac  estranger, 
User  d'  onguens  ou  de  racine 
Boire  bolus  ou  d'  air  changer, 
Quand  cela  ne  peut  allonger 
Nos  jours  contez  ? 

LES    AMOURS. 
(Sonnet.) 
Ah  !   that  I  should  bear  him  envy  and  hate — 
This  doctor  who  visits  her  morn  and  night. 
He  hath  no  reason  for  staying  so  late, 

Feeling  her  warm  limbs,  round  and  white. 

Such  as  he,  for  her  life,  have  no  care, 

Though   she,  thinking  different,  obeys   his  be- 
hests. 

He's  wicked  and  handsome  ;  she'd  best  beware 
When  he  speaks,  softly  touching  her  breasts. 

Oh  I   friends  who  nurse  her  in  fever,  see 
That,  for  my  sake,  he  be  driven  afar — 

This  doctor  who  fondles  my  sweet  Marie, 
Too  zealous  by  half,  as  such  men  are. 


Ah  !  this  doctor  who  calls  under  false  pretense  ! 

I  should  be  happy  if  once  assured 
That  God  should  choose  him  to  recompense 

With  my  disease  ;  and  that  she  be  cured. (») 

TO    PIERRE    LESCOT. 

Or,  better  still,  by  science  money  earn. 

And  knowledge  by  experience  understand  ; 

And  take  the  trade  Hippocrates  once  did  learn, 
Like  him  bring  honor  on  your  Native  land. 

Though  from  Apollo  his  proud  heritage  came 
Of  wealth,  high  honors  and  poetic  fire. 

More  lasting  e'en  may  ever  be  your  fame. 
Nor  leave,  like  him,  only  a  mouldy  lyre. 

Never  be  idle  ;  learn  e'en  all  you  can, 

The  nature  of  our  bodies,  young  and  old  ; 

No  greater  calling  than  to  succor  man  ; 
Be  gentle  in  your  manners,  and  win  gold. 

EPITAPH    ON    RABELAIS. 

Or  toy,  quiconque  sols,  qui  passes, 
Sur  sa  fosse  repan  des  tasses, 
Repan  du  bril  et  des  flacons, 
Des  cervelas  et  des  jambons, 
Car  si  encor  dessous  la  lame 
Quelque  sentiment  a  son  ame, 
II  les  aime  mieux  que  les  lis 
Tant  soient-ils  fraischement  cueillis. 


*  *  * 

GUILLAUME   BOUCHET  (152610 
1606). 

Les  Soirees. 

OF    MEDICINE    AND    OF    DOCTORS. 

A  facetious  story  was  much  talked  of 
during  supper  and  afterwards,  when  doc- 
tors and  their  medicines  were  being  dis- 
cussed. This  anecdote  was  a  merry  re- 
sponse that  a  doctor  made  to  a  monk  who 
was  laughing  at  and  taunting  him,  as  from 
times  most  ancient  physicians  have  been 

I  This  is  probably  an  imitation  of  the  letter 
written  by  Acontius  to  Cydippius,  found  in  Ovid  : 

*•  Me  miserum  quod  non  medicorum  jussa  min- 
istro,"  etc. 


8o 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


the  subjects  of  calumny.  This  priest  once 
met  the  village  doctor,  and,  stopping  him, 
demanded  medical  advice  in  the  following 
fashion  ;  "■  My  dear  sir,  I  pray  you  tell  me 
why  it  is,  when  I  urinate,  I  also  break 
wind,  and  cannot  draw  water  without 
being  flatulent  ? "  The  physician,  who 
could  barely  endure  such  clerical  insolence 
and  affront,  seeing  that  the  priest  was 
laughing  mockingly,  with  an  immova- 
ble countenance  replied :  "  Reverend 
Sir,  this  is  not  surprising,  since  asses  never 
do  otherwise."  The  whole  village  was 
convulsed  with  laughter  over  this  retort, 
and  thereafter  the  priest  maintained  a  dig- 
nified silence  on  the  subject  of  medicine.  (') 
Latin  and  French  epigrams  without  num- 
ber were  written  on  this  story,  as,  for 
instance,  we  quote  the  following  : 


Quod  mingendo  cacat,  medico  testante  Sacerdos, 
I  lac  naturam  asini  conditione  tenet. 


Un  medecin  par  un  Prestre  raillard 
Fut  consulte  dessus  ce  poinct  icy, 
Pourquoi  pissant  tousiours   petoit  aussi  ; 
Cela  n'  est  rien,  dit-il  a  ce  petard 
Car  bien  souvent  les  asnes  font  ainsi. 

At  this  same  social  gathering  a  physi- 
cian remarked  that  none  of  his  patients 
ever  complained  of  him,  and  a  friend 
answered:  '*  Only  too  true;  we  believe 
that,  since  you  have  slain  them !  Yet, 
while  medicine  kills  people,  they  will  still 
continue  to  medicate,  because,  as  Soph- 
ocles observes,  *  The   best  and  last  physi- 


I  Dr.  Witkowski's  extracts  from  "  Bouchet's  " 
works  are  too  voluminous  for  full  translation,  and 
in  this,  as  in  similar  cases,  only  extracts  are  given. 
There  is  much  repetition  of  ancient  authors  in 
later  French  writers,  and  wherever  the  same  anec- 
dotes are  related  it  has  been  deemed  best  that 
such  matter  be  omitted  in  this  epitomized  version 
of  the  original. 


cian  in  disease  is  Death.'"  To  this  the 
doctor  retorted:  ''That  one  should  not 
speak  evil  of  physicians  who  had  never  ex- 
perimented." To  which  the  tormentor 
answered:  *'  If  I  had  tried  the  experiment, 
I  should  not  be  here  to  speak  evil,  since 
I  should  have  died." 

**Is  it  not  strange,"  said  a  physician, 
''that  doctors  lie  so  often,  and  that  it  is 
allowable  for  our  profession  to  lie?  We 
have  a  language  and  a  writing  different 
from  the  people,  and  do  not  always  speak 
clearly  when  we  visit  our  patients,  who 
chide  us  if  we  know  not  Greek  and  call 
not  diseases  and  remedies  by  unknown 
names.  Greek,  Arab  and  Barbarian  phy- 
sicians always  speak  Latin  before  women, 
and  write  in  characters  cabalistical,  which 
the  fair  sex  cannot  read.  This  is  for  fear 
they  may  discover  our  recipes  and  no 
longer  hold  our  remedies  in  high  esteem, 
and  also  that  our  clients  may  have  more 
respect  for  our  art ;  since,  should  we  call  a 
root,  herb,  flower  or  bark  by  its  common 
name,  and  in  French,  knowing  the  same 
to  be  a  simple  and  a  plant  growing  in  their 
gardens,  they  would  no  longer  have  confi- 
dence ;  for,  as  Pliny  observes,  "  men  have 
but  little  confidence  in  things  they  know," 
while,  if  you  speak  in  a  strange  tongue 
and  people  know  not  your  remedial  agents, 
the  patients  and  their  friends  will  think 
your  medicines  divine  and  from  another 
world,  the  which  so  fortifies  Nature  that 
the  malady  is  driven  away. 

One  of  our  circle  who  used  only  a 
single  medicine  that  he  never  took  himself, 
for  the  reason  that  he  feared  an  error  in 
the  prescription,  remarked  that  the  latter 
was  filled  with  characters  denoting  weight 
and  quantity ;  as  thus,  one  ounce  was 
written  ^i,  and  may  be  taken  for  a  drachm 
when  written  thus,  31 ;  and  only  a  symbol 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


indicates  too  much  or  too  little,  and  may 
lead  a  man  to  the  next  day  of  All  Saints' 
Day,  and  this,  too,  without  counting  the 
scruples  on  one's  mind  or  conscience. 

So  it  came  to  be  remarked  that  if  a  pa- 
tient who  had  taken  a  physic  did  not  have 
a.  passage,  it  was  feared  he  would  die  ; 
either  that  or  the  medicine  was  not  good 
or  the  apothecary  was  to  blame.  Also, 
that  many  of  the  sick  watch  their  chambers 
to  see  whether  they  have  received  value 
for  the  money  expended  on  physicians  and 
drugs.  It  was  told,  among  other  good 
things,  that  two  doctors,  visiting  a  patient 
in  consultation,  demanded  his  potde  chambre 
to  view  the  fecal  matter  contained  therein, 
saying  :  ''  How  do  you  feel  now,  sir  ?  The 
excrements  are  scanty  and  the  urine  light." 
The  sick  man  urinated,  and,  thinking  the 
physic  had  operated  freely,  responded :  *'It 
looks  to  me  as  though  there  was  enough 
for  both  of  you ;  "  whereat  both  doctors 
left  full -of  laughter." 

*  .!,  * 

PASQUIER    ESTIENNE    (1529    to 
1615). 

LETTER    TO  M.  TOURNEllUS,  COUNCILLOR  TO 
THE    PARLIAMENT    OF    PARIS. 

No  man  idolizes  physicians  more  than 
I,  when  I  am  sick;  and  I  only  consider 
their  art  doubtful  when  I  am  well.  You 
will,  no  doubt,  find  this  remark  singular, 
that  I  respect  the  art  of  those  whose  prac- 
tice is  so  uncertain,  and  by  chance  should 
say  that,  sick  in  body  I  am  healthy  in 
mind,  and  that  healthy  in  body  I  am  sick 
in  mind,  to  the  contrary  I  will  say,  if  the 
aphorism  is  true,  that  the  habits  of  mind 
and  body  sympathize ;  being  sick  in  body, 
I  am  feeble  in  mind  when  I  worship  the 
medical  profession. 


MONTAIGNE  (1533  to  1592). 
Essays.  (') 

BOOK    I.       CHAPTER    XXIIL 

HE    SCORNS    MEDICINE    IN    DISEASE.       TO 
WHAT  HE  ATTRIBUTES  ITS  SUCCESS. 

We  call  a  physician  good  when  a  pa- 
tient recovers,  as  though  it  were  their  art 
and  not  good  fortune  that  had  taken  part 
in  the  performance.  I  believe  in  all  of 
them  the  better  and  worst  whatever  they 
will ;  for  I  have,  thank  God !  no  commerce 
with  them.  I  am  different  from  others,  as 
I  always  have  a  contempt  for  the  profes- 
sion ;  but  when  I  am  sick,  in  place  of  con- 
sulting them,  I  hate  and  fear  them  more 
than  ever ;  and  answer  those  who  insist  on 
my  taking  medicine,  to  wait  until  I  have 
recovered  my  strength  and  health  in  order 
to  more  ably  sustain  the  risk  and  chances 
offered  by  their  drugs.  I  leave  everything 
to  Nature,  knowing  it  can  best  resist  with 
teeth  and  claws  the  assaults  on  my  health. 

They  say  that  a  new  comer,  named 
Paracelsus,  has  changed  ends,  reversed  all 
the  ancient  rules  of  medical  treatment,  and 
maintains  that,  up  to  this  time,  medicine 
only  caused  mankind  to  die.  I  believe 
this  statement  can  be  readily  verified,  but 
to  test  this  theory  with  my  own  life  would, 
I  fear,  not  be  the  acme  of  wisdom. 

I  believe  that  I  owe  my  father  my  cal- 
culary  diathesis,  since  he  died  greatly 
afflicted  with  a  large  stone  in  his  bladder. 
Thus  physicians  may  excuse  my  freedom 
of  speech,  for  by  this  same  infusion  and 
fatal  insinuation  I  inherited  my  hate  and 
contempt    for   physic ;  this  antipathy  is,  I 


I  Montaigne's  Essays  "  are  so  well  known  to 
English  readers  that  only  a  few  excerpts  from  his 
voluminous  remarks  against  physicians  will  be 
quoted. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


repeat,  hereditary.     My  father  died  at  the 
age  of  seventy-four  years,  my  grandfather 
at    sixty-nine,    my     great-grandfather     at 
eighty,  and  none  of  them  ever   tasted  a 
drop  of  medicine ;  and  none  of  them  ever 
took   anything   even   in    i^lace   of    drugs. 
Medicine  is  cuUivated  by  practice  and  ex- 
perience, that's  my  opinion.      My  ances- 
tors   all    abhorred     medicinal     remedies, 
through  some  occult  but  very  natural  in- 
clination, and  my  father  had  the  feeling  so 
intensified  that  his  fear  of  drugs  amounted 
to   horror.      My  paternal  uncle.  Seigneur 
Gaviac,    a   clergyman,    delicate  from    his 
birth,   but  who  nevertheless  lived  on  for 
sixty-seven   years,    once   fell   into   a   con- 
tinued fever,  and  was  declared  by  his  phy- 
sicians, who  were  called  in  the  case,  to  be 
dying.     This  good  man,  frightened  though 
he  was  by  this  medical  sentence,  replied, 
<'  I  am   dead  then."     But  God  made  a  lie 
out  of  the  doctors'  prognosis. 

There  is  no  nation  that  has  not  existed 
several  centuries  without  doctors,  and 
these  ages  were  always  the  most  prosper- 
ous and  happy. 

There  was  once  in  Egypt  a  very  just 
law,  by  which  a  physician,  taking  a  pa- 
tient in  charge,  did  so  at  the  sick  man's 
expense  for  the  first  three  days,  but  after 
that  the  illness  was  at  the  doctor's  expense. 

It  was  a  good  commencement  for  doc- 
tors, that  ancient  Gods  and  Demons  were 
the  authors  of  their  science. 


It  is  a  good  thing  for  the  doctors  and  a 
good  rule  for  their  art,  as  in  all  other  fan- 
tastic, vain,  and  supernatural  arts,  that  the 
patient  should  be  filled  with  human  assur- 
ance. This  rule  induces  a  fancy  for  the 
most  i<7norant  and  unknown  physicians. 
The    choice   of  drugs   is   mysterious   and 


divine :  the  left  foot  of  a  turtle,  a  lizard's 
urme,  an  elephant's  dung,  blood  from  the 
right  wing  of  a  white  pigeon,  and  other 
articles  destined  to  increase  our  miseries. 

Who  ever  saw  a  doctor  use  the  recipe 
of  another  physician  without  cutting  off  or 
adding  to  its  ingredients?  By  this  very 
action  they  betray  the  fact  that  they  con- 
sider their  reputation,  and  consequently 
their  profit,  more  than  the  interests  of  their 
patients. 

Lately,  at  Paris,  a  gentleman,  following 
the  orders  of  his  doctors,  was  cut  for 
stone,  and  no  more  stone  was  found  in  his 
bladder  than  in  my  hand.  A  Bishop,  a 
friend  of  mine,  was  constantly  solicited  by 
his  medical  advisers  to  have  a  lithotomy 
performed,  and  I  myself  assisted  in  secur- 
ing his  consent,  having  laith  in  the  doctors' 
diagnosis ;  when  he  died  and  we  opened 
him,  he  was  found  to  have  only  kidney 
trouble.  Yet,  to  me,  surgery  seems  more 
certain,  since  one  can  see  the  manner  in 
which  the  cure  is  done,  and  there  is  less  of 
conjecture  and  divination  ;  in  this  art  there 
are  no  speculum  mairtcis  to  enable  one  to 
see  brains,  lungs  and  Uvers. 

Herophilus  attributed  the  original  cause 
of  disease  to  the  humors;  Erasistratus  to 
the  blood  in  the  arteries ;  ^sclepiades  to 
invisible  atoms  permeating  the  pores: 
Alcm^eon  to  the  exuberance  or  deficienc> 
of  corporeal  strength ;  Diodes  to  the  in 
equality  of  the  elements  contained  in  the 
body  and  the  character  of  the  air  breathed 
Strabo,  in  the  abundance,  crudity,  and  cor 
ruption  of  the  food  we  take ;  Hippocratei 
to  the  spirits. 


How  often  do  we  see  physicians  blam 
ing  each  other  with  causing  the  death  of  ; 
patient.     Which  reminds  me  of  a  diseas 


d 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


83 


that  once  prevailed  in  my  neighborhood, 
and  was  for  several  years  a  very  marked 
and  dangerous  malady.  The  plague, 
which  cost  an  infinite  number  of  lives, 
having  subsided,  one  of  the  most  famous 
doctors  in  the  country  wrote  a  book  on  the 
disease,  and  declared  that  if  the  sick  had 
not  used  bleeding  so  much  damage  would 
not  have  occurred.  Now  all  authors  allow 
that  there  is  no  medicine  that  has  not  inju- 
rious properties. 

I  honor  physicians,  not  following  the 
precept  for  the  necessity,  but  for  the  simple 
love  of  themselves,  having  known  many 
I  really  dignified  and  honorable  men  in  the 
medical  profession  who  were  not  wholly 
unworthy  of  being  loved.  It  is  not  them- 
selves I  object  to,  but  their  art,  and  do  not 
blame  them  so  much  for  profiting  by  man- 
kind's stupidity,  for  the  whole  world  en- 
courages their  practice. 

It  is  the  fear  of  death  and  pain,  with 
impatience  at  illness,  or  furious  and  indis- 
creet haste  for  cure,  that  blinds  us,  and  pure 
cowardice  that  renders  our  belief  so  soft 
and  manageable. 

What  Homer  and  Plato  say  of  the 
Egyptians,  that  they  were  all  physicians, 
may  be  said  of  all  modern  peoples ;  there 
is  no  one  who  does  not  boast  of  a  remedy 
of  some  sort,  and  will  not  hesitate  to  use 
the  same  on  his  dearest  friend  or  nearest 
neighbor. 

The  promises  of  doctors  are  wonderful, 
for  they  have  to  foresee  the  different  and 
contrary  symptoms,  which  often  oppose 
each  other  and  yet  have  a  necessary  rela- 
tionship ;  as  in  heat  of  the  liver  and  cold- 
ness of  the  stomach,  they  pursuade  us  that 
their  medicine  will  warm  the  stomach  and 
cool  off  the  liver.     They  also  have   drugs 


that  go  right  to  the  kidneys  and  from 
thence  to  the  bladder,  without  the  drug 
losing  its  original  medicinal  virtues  while 
passing  through  this  difficult  road  before 
rendering  service  at  the  point  for  which 
the  occult  properties  of  the  drug  are  des- 
tined to  act.  There  are  agents  that  dry 
the  brain,  others  that  moisten  the  lungs. 
From  one  prescription  having  all  such 
wonderful  properties  bestowed  by  a  num- 
ber of  ingredients  mixed  in  one  draught, 
we  may  hope  that  the  virtues  may  divide, 
and,  freeing  themselves  from  the  confusion, 
perform  their  intended  parts.  And  imagine 
how  easy  it  is  to  confound,  alter  and  cor- 
rupt this  liquid  melange  when  the  com- 
pounding of  this  prescription  depends  on  a 
druggist,  to  whose  mercy  we  must  abandon 
ourselves  with  all  due  faith  in  the  attempt 
to  prolong  life. 

King  Ferdinand  sent  his  colonies  to 
the  Indies,  but  wisely  forbade  them  to  take 
any  scholars  of  jurisprudence,  for  fear  that 
the  law  would  not  tend  to  populate  the 
new  land,  as  being  a  science  that  would 
generate  quarrels  and  property  discussion  ; 
believing,  with  Plato,  that  ''it  is  a  bad 
thing  for  a  country  to  have  lawyers  and 
doctors." 

Plato  has  rightly  said  that  to  be  a  true 
physician  one  should  have  passed  through 
all  the  diseases  he  professes  to  cure,  and 
through  all  the  accidents  of  which  he  is  to 
judge.  It  is  right  that  he  even  have 
the  pox  if  he  wishes  to  know  how  to 
treat   it. 

We  should  suffer  patiently  the  penalties 
of  our  condition ;  we  are  born  to  become 
older,  feebler;  to  become  sick  in  spite  of 
all  medicine.  The  first  salutation  a  Mexi- 
can gives  to  his  child  when  it  comes  from 
its  mother's  belly  is  this :  "  Little  one,  thou 


84 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


hast   come  into  this  world   to   endure   all 
pains,  to  endure  and  keep  silent." 

If  your  medicine  be  voluptuous,  accept 
it ;  it  is  always  pleasant.  Neither  wait  for 
its  name  nor  its  color,  if  it  be  delicious  and 
appetizing ;  for  pleasure  is  one  of  the  vani- 
ties of  profit. 

* 
PIERRE    BRANTOME  (French  his- 
torian, 1540  to  1 6 14). 

VARILLASIANA. 

Brantome  having  the  gout,  a  physician 
was  found  who  offered  him  a  secret  specific 
as  a  cure ;  arrived  at  the  house  of  the  illus- 
trious patient,  he  asked  for  an  interview. 
A  lackey  went  to  tell  his  master  of  the 
doctor  who  claimed  to  be  able  to  cure 
every  case  of  gout,  and  Brantome  made  his 
appearance  as  quickly  as  his  disease  would 
permit,  saying  to  the  lackey:  "Take  the 
doctor's  carriage  into  the  court-yard."  The 
physician  interrupted  him  by  remarking : 
''I  have  no  carriage."  And  Brantome 
exclaimed:  *'Is  it  possible  that  you  cure 
^out  and  have  no  equipage?  I  have  no 
need  of  your  services,  sir ! "  And  he 
abruptly  left  the  room.  This  was  as  much 
as  to  proclaim  that  no  man  having  a  sov- 
ereign specific  for  gout — that  cruel,  tor- 
menting and  very  common  affliction  — 
could  be  unable  to  have  a  carriage  and 
lour. 

RODOMONTADES  ESPAGNOLES. 

A  doctor  went  to  see  a  Bishop  who 
v.-as  sick,  but  very  large  and  fat ;  and,  after 
leaving  his  apartment,  met  some  of  the  pa- 
tient's friends,  who  demanded  how  the 
sick  man  was,  and  the  physician  replied 
simply  :  '•'■Phiguiese  a  Dios  que  fuesse  tal  mi 
viT.choX^''  which,  in  English,  is  ''Would  to 
God  my  mule  was  as  healthy." 


A  Spanish  physician,  having  incurred 
the  displeasure  of  a  widow  lady,  one  day 
charged  a  horse  jockey,  in  her  presence,  of 
bringing  him  una  mula  que  fuesse  viuda  (a 
mule  widow).  The  jockey  responded : 
^^Como,  cuerpo  de  tall  Os  burials  de  mi 
se?tor  doctor  ?  Nunca  fue  mula  viuda " 
(How  !  You  mock  me,  doctor  ?  There 
never  was  a  mule  widow.)  To  which  the 
doctor  retorted :  ^^Digo  yo  quetenga  tres  condi- 
clones  de  una  viuda ;  que  sea  gorda,  andadora 
y  comedora.  (I  wish  to  say  that  a  widow 
has  three  qualities,  i.e.,  to  be  fat,  a  gadder- 
about,  and  mangy.) 

THE    QUEEN    OF    SPAIN    AND   ELIZABETH 
OF    FRANCE. 

One  year  before  she  came  to  France — 
to  Bayonne — she  fell  sick,  and  in  this  ex- 
tremity she  was  left  in  the  hands  of  the 
physicians.  On  which  a  young  doctor,  of 
Italian  birth,  who  was  much  in  fashion  at 
Court,  was  presented  to  the  King,  and 
said  if  permitted  he  would  cure  her;  the 
which  His  Majesty  permitted,  as  she  was 
supposed  to  be  dead.  This  physician  gave 
her  a  little  medicine,  which  being  taken, 
suddenly  and  miraculously  made  the  color 
mount  to  her  face,  and  she  soon  com- 
menced speaking,  convalescing  shortly 
afterwards.  Whereat  all  the  Court  and  the 
common  people  of  Spain  blocked  the 
roads  with  their  processions,  going  and 
coming,  from  the  churches  and  hospitals, 
m  honor  of  the  Queen's  recovery ;  some 
were  so  joyful  that  they  went  about  in 
their  shirts,  others  went  bareheaded,  offer- 
ing up  prayers  of  praise  and  chants  of 
thanksgiving ;  honoring  God  by  fasts  and 
bodily  penance,  and  many  other  good 
and  truly  holy  devotions,  so  well  did 
they  believe  that  their  intercession, 
tears,  and  shouts  were  heard  by  God, 
and   had   done   more   to    effect  the    cure 


TJlc  Evil  tJiat  has  been  said  oj  Doctors. 


«5 


of  this   Princess,    and    the   doctor's    work 
was  overlooked. 

AMOURS  OF  PHYSICIANS    WITH  THE  WIVES 

AND    DAUGHTERS    OF    THEIR 

PATIENTS. 

I  knew  also  another  of  the  great  houses 
of  Spain,  where  a  Countess  preferred  to 
piously  care  for  her  daughters,  besides 
other  relatives  of  her  husband ;  but  this 
lady  was  sometimes  an  invalid,  and  much 
subject  to  the  orders  of  doctors  and  apothe- 
caries; and  the  young  ladies  were  some- 
times ill,  with  pale  complexions,  irregu- 
larities, and  fevers,  and  it  so  happened 
that  two  of  them  fell  sick  and  an  apothe- 
cary had  them  in  charge.  He  certainly 
thought  of  his  drugs,  but  more  of  his 
amours  with  one  of  his  fair  clients,  a  young 
and  beautiful  Frenchwoman,  formerly  vir- 
tuous and  the  fiancee  of  a  French  Prince. 
I  knew  this  girl,  who  certainly  merited  a 
better  lover,  if  such  a  thing  was  her  abso- 
lute necessity,  and  when  this  maiden  could 
no  longer  conceal  her  sham^e  the  rascally 
apothecary  gave  her  antidotes. 

I  knew  another  aristocratic  girl  who 
had  been  treated  as  a  daughter  by  Queen 
Marguerite  of  Navarre.  By  mishap  she 
became  pregnant,  but  her  cunning  apothe- 
cary gave  her  a  potion  that  permitted  her 
to  void  the  fruit  of  her  womb  piecemeal 
and  painlessly,  so  that  she  never  had  the 
least  trouble  ;  and  she  afterwards  married 
a  very  gallant  gentleman  of  the  nobility 
without  her  husband  ever  dreaming  of 
her  former  shame.  What  useful  physi- 
cians !  for  they  give  remedies  to  make  the 
unloosed  appear  as  virgins  —  even  as 
maidens. 

I  knew  an  empiric  of  Spain  whose 
practice  was  to  put  leeches  on  women's 
natural  parts,  which  animals  by  their  action 


made  blood  appear,  so  that  when  the  un- 
suspecting husband  returned  at  night,  find- 
ing his  wife's  condition,  he  could  exclaim : 
' '  Honor  della  citadella  e  salvo  I "  (The  honor 
of  the  castle  is  saved.) 

We  all  know  Ronsard's  poem  of  the 
physician  who  came  night  and  morning  to 
gaze  on  the  beauties  of  his  fair  patient 
under  pretense  of  treating  her  fever.  I 
was  once  very  jealous  of  a  doctor  who 
treated  a  beautiful  dame  with  whom  I  was 
in  love,  and  he  was  so  confidential  with  her 
that  I  would  have  given  half  the  Realm  to 
have  been  in  his  place.  These  doctors 
have  peculiar  advantages  in  their  relation- 
ships with  men's  wives  and  daughters 
when  they  desire  to  take  an  amorous  ad- 
vantage. 

I  know  another  noble  lady  of  great  dis- 
tinction belonging  to  the  house  of  one  of 
the  most  famous  of  Spanish  Grandees,  to 
whom  her  physician  one  day  said  her  hus- 
band was  impotent,  that  her  marital  rela- 
tions should  be  different ;  and  she  replied : 
"  I  leave  all  in  your  hands.  Doctor."  Some 
months  afterwards  she  remarked  to  a  lady 
friend  who  had  heard  of  her  recovery: 
"Yes,  my  family  physician  restored  me; 
in  fact,  I  may  candidly  state  that  the  con- 
tinuance of  my  good  health  depends  on 
the  Doctor." 

I  knew  a  celebrated  doctor,  Le  Grand, 
of  Paris,  who  came  one  day  to  visit  Baron 
de  Vitaux,  who  was  sick  from  a  love  affair, 
and  both  of  them  discussed  Court  amours 
and  told  stories  that  made  my  hair  stand 
on  end.  I  expressed  great  surprise  at  the 
doctor's  seeming  indifference,  and  re- 
marked :  '*Ah!  you  doctors  know  too 
much,  but  don't  appreciate  the  good  things 
offered  you."  To  which  he  retorted: 
**  Truly,  truly  we  know  good  things,  for 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


we  well  know  all  secrets;  but  I  am  old  and 
have  said  to  God  and  his  merciful  Son,  '  I 
leave  such  things  to  those  who  are 
younger.'  ' 

*  *  * 
CARDINAL    DUPERRON  (1556  to 

1618). 

PERRONIANA. 

I  wish  that  all  the  Universities  of  Medi- 
cine, like  Caens  and  Rheims,  except  Mont- 
pelier,  were  abolished,  for  they  are  only 
asylums  for  ignorance. 

*  *  * 
BEROALDE     DE     VERVILLE 

(1558  to  1612). 

THE    APERITIVE    MEDICINE    OF    RABELAIS. 

The  Cardinal  du  Bellay  being  sick  in 
bed  of  hypochondriasis  called  in  physicians 
to  consult  and  apply  a  remedy  for  his  re- 
lief. He  was  advised  by  the  learned  con- 
course of  doctors  to  take  an  aperient  de- 
coction put  into  syrup  to  render  it  palat- 
able. "This,  Your  Reverence,"  said  they, 
'*  will  ^/^;^  you  freely."  At  this  juncture 
Rabelais  took  a  sudden  resolution,  leaving 
the  other  consultants  still  cackling  in  con- 
sultation in  order  to  earn  their  fees.  Going 
into  the  courtyard  of  the  Cardinal's  palace 
he  sent  the  steward  and  collected  all  the 
old  keys  he  could  find ;  these  were  placed 
in  a  pot  suspended  by  a  tripod  over  a  fire 
•  tnd  duly  boiled;  but,  to  be  economical  in 
las  medicine,  Rabelais  was  slowly  fishing 
ihe  keys  out  of  the  boiling  water  when  the 
crowd  of  consulting  physicians  descended 
ihe  stairs,  and,  seeing  the  great  Rabelais 
ihus  engaged,  viewed  him  with  wonder 
;ind  enquired  why  he  was  thus  employed. 
"Gentlemen,"  he  replied,  '-this  is  my 
prescription  for  hypochondriasis;  there  is 


nothing  more  aperient  than  keys,  they 
open  everything.  If  you  are  not  contented 
with  my  formula,  send  to  the  arsenal  and 
borrow  a  few  field  pieces ;  that  would  be 
the  last  resort  after  the  trial  of  these  ape- 
zemes." 

*  *  * 

RENE  DESCARTES  (French  philoso- 
pher, 1596  to  1650). 

EXTRACT. 

For  the  rest,  I  do  not  wish  to  dwell  at 
length  on  the  progress  that  I  hope  the 
sciences  will  make  in  the  future,  nor  make 
the  public  any  promises  that  I  am  not 
assured  will  be  accomplished ;  but  only 
wish  to  say  that  I  have  fully  resolved  to 
employ  the  time  that  yet  remains  for  me  to 
live  in  nothing  else  than  acquiring  a  know- 
ledge of  Nature,  so  that  we  may  fix  more 
absolute  rules  for  medical  practice  than 
have  been  observed  up  to  the  present  time. 

METAPHYSICAL    MEDITATIONS. 

Physics,  astronomy,  and  medicine,  and 
all  other  sciences  which  depend  on  the 
consideration  of  composite  things,  are  ex- 
tremely doubtful  and  uncertain. 

The  conservation  of  health  has  been 
all  my  life  the  principal  purpose  of  my 
investigations  and  studies,  and  I  do  not 
doubt  that  there  may  be  means  of  acquir- 
ing much  more  knowledge  concerning 
medicine,  which  has  been  greatly  ignored 
up  to  the  present  epoch;  but  the  "Trea- 
tise on  Animals,"  upon  which  I  have  medi- 
tated, yet  have  not  been  able  to  finish,  is 
only  the  entrance  to  reach  this  knowledge, 
and  I  have  not  boasted  of  accomplishing 
this  task.  All  that  I  can  say  at  present  is, 
that  I  was  of  the  opinion  of  Tiberius,  who 
wished  that  men  who  had  attained  the  age 
of  thirty  years  having  had  personal  experi- 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


«7 


ence  with  diseases  resulting  to  their  injury 
or  profit,  should  really  be  our  doctors.  In 
fact,  it  seems  to  me  there  is  no  one  who 
has  observed  but  would  argue  that  it  would 
be  careful  to  be  on  guard  that  only  the 
most  learned  doctors  should  be  employed. 
*  ^  ^ 

BERTRAND  HARDOUIN  DE 
SAINT  JACQUES  (1598  to 
1648). 

MEDICINE    AND    THE    STAGE. 

We  have  only  an  extract  to  cite  from 
this  comic  writer ;  but  his  name  is  worthy 
to  figure  in  this  recital.  He  made  his 
medical  studies  at  Montpellier,  afterwards 
abandoning  the  science  of  Hippocrates  to 
become  a  strolling  opera  player,  at  which 
occupation  he  acquired  great  renown  by 
his  mingled  simplicity  and  volubility,  with- 
out an  equal.  At  the  death  of  Gautier 
Garguille,  he  came  to  Paris  and  made  an 
engagement  with  the  Bourgogne  Theatre 
Troupe,  under  the  name  of  Guillot  Gorju. 
"Now,"  says  Sauval,  "as  he  had  studied 
medicine,  his  ordinary  mission  upon  the 
stage  was  to  ridicule  medicine,  which  he 
did  so  well  that  physicians  themselves  were 
convulsed  with  laughter."  He  preceded 
Moliere  in  his  drolleries  against  the  Medi- 
cal Faculty,  and  perhaps  even  inspired 
many  ideas,  for  our  greatest  French  com- 
edy writer  was  one  of  his  auditors,  as  he 
was  often  brought  to  this  Theatre  by  his 
grandfather. 

After  imitating  his  own  profession  for 
about  eight  years,  he  again  left  the  stage 
and  practiced  his  profession  at  Melun.  "A 
strange  determination,"  observes  Didot, 
from  whom  we  derive  these  details, 
"  which  of  itself  is  very  amusing,  and 
might  be  even  taken  as  another  method  of 
ridiculing  the  Faculty." 


A  contemporary  thus  painls  his  por- 
trait: "He  was  a  large  brunette,  with 
dark,  sunken  eyes  and  flat  frog  nose,  who 
resembled  a  huge  monkey,  and  did  not 
even  need  a  mask  on  the  stage,  as  he  wore 
a  natural  one." 

*  *  * 
ADAM    BILLAUT   (Seventeenth  cen- 
tury). 

FOR    CURING    SCIATICA. 

To  cure  thee  of  sciatica,  that  doth  confine, 

So  that  in  bed  no  movement  thou  durst  make, 

Take  two  jugs  full  of  faggot-juice  from  the  vine. 
But  use  it  as  I  say,  and  cure  ihine  ache. 

With  thine  two  fingers  rub  this  remedy  sure 

Upon  the  surface  where  thou  feelest  pain. 

Drink  all  that's  left  and  find  a  certain  cure. 

For  thine  disease  will  never  come  again. 

On  only  faggot-juice  rely,  and  in  its  virtues  have 
belief; 

For  if  thou  callest  a  doctor  for  thine  care, 
Most  dangerous  things  he'll  give  for  thine  relief 

And  will  not  cure  thee  even  then,  I'll  swear. 

*  *  * 

DULAURIER   (Seventeenth   century). 

FACETIOUS    PROLOGUE. 

Apropos^  gentlemen,  I  desire  your  pres- 
ence greatly,  and  still  more  of  that  than  of 
the  doctors,  taking  in  refusing  and  refus- 
ing in  taking;  for,  dtcendo  nolo  accipiunt 
pecunias,  in  that  they  pull  out  the  impos- 
thumes  from  their  game  bags  at  the  ex- 
pense of  the  entrails  of  our  purses ;  as  a 
recompense  of  scrawls  on  paper  they  ren- 
der our  secretions  clearer. 

REGARDING    MEDICINE. 

Another  of  my  designs,  to  be  physician 
in  place  of  lawyer,  is  my  hope  to  run  the 
list  in  spatiosum  fertilem  et  lucrativum  cam 
pum  Medicince;  I  expect  to  find  for  this 
purpose  a  huge  Andalusian  mule  with  long 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


hair  and  a  short  tail.(')  Some  persons 
have  told  me  that  every  doctor  must  stick 
his  nose  stir  les  ragoiists  du  derriere,  (')  as  we 
say  in  French.  But  why  not?  When  ex 
re  qualibet  bonus  odor  lucri,  providing  my 
purse  be  always  full  of  money,  and  that  it 
serves  not  for  an  arsenal  of  pistols  but  of 
pistoles,  ('-)  it  makes  no  difference  to  me  how 
a  patient's  stools  smell.  What  say  you 
gentlemen  ?  Are  these  not  good  arms 
against  the  toothache  ? 


JEAN  FRANCOIS  SARRASIN  (Fa- 
cetious author,  1603  to  1654). 

GOULU'S    LAMENT. 

Poor  Goulu  on  his  bed  was  lying 

When  Master  Clements,  doctor  in  the  case, 
Taking  his  hand,  said,  "  Goulu,  thou  art  dying, 

For  if  thou  dost  not  eat,  run  is  thine  race. 

Eat  then  !   nor  longer  be  a  stubborn  fool. 

A  little  of  this  bread  but  try  ? 
'Tis  I  who  speak,  I  of  Hypocras  school." 

And  Goulu,  weeping,  made  but  this  reply : 

"  I  see  full  well  thou  canst  not  cure  ; 

It  likewise  makes  me  sad  to  hear  thee  lie. 
Thine  medicine  no  longer  I'll  endure; 

'Twas  thine   vile   potions   that  have  made  me 
die. 

Ah  !  too  much  medicine  mine  belly  fills. 

In  law  a  wise  man  never  consults  shysters, 
Nor  should  he  ask  advice  of  quack  that  kills. 

Adieu  to  thee  my  Clements,   with   thine  clys- 
ters." 

THE    SEINE    SPEAKS    TO   THE    FOUNTAIN 
DE    FORGES,  f) 

Oh  !   seducer.      My  fountain  Beauty  ! 

Truly,  I  find  thee  vain. 
Nymph  of  health-giving  waters, 

Knowest  I'm  the  River  Seine  ? 

1  The  reader  is  referred  to  a  French   diction- 
ary for  the  translation. 

2  A  piece  of  money. 

3  A  medicinal  mineral  spring. 


I,  who  bear  on  my  broad  bosom 

The  greatest  ship  that  floats  ; 
Know,  little  spring,  I've  the  power   to  wreck 

The  strongest  of  mankind's  boats. 

Full  well  I  know  thou  hast  vaunted 
Of  thine  qualities  rare  and  fine  ; 

Dost  thou  wish  to  be  my  rival, 
Like  the  haughty  River  Rhine  ? 

Better  it  is  for  thee,  fair  nymph, 

That  my  subject  thou  appear, 
And  mingle  thy  gentle  streamlet 

With  my  cuiTcnt  strong  and  clear. 

For  if  my  wrath  be  once  aroused, 

The  storm  waves  on  my  crown 
Will  inundate  the  country  fair. 

And  my  rivals  shall  go  down. 

Ah  !  be  gentle,  then,  and  modest. 
To  my  chidings  hang  thy  head, 

'Twill  all  be  for  thy  profit. 

Or  I'll  drive  thee  from  thy  bed. 

Certain  it  is,  spite  thy  boastings. 
That  those  who  thy  waters  drink 

Cannot  be  cured  of  their  maladies. 
Since  they  are  not  sick,  I  think. 

'Tis  a  very  silly  thing,  forsooth, 
To  strive  to  engender  rude  strife, 

By  claiming  to  give  a  man  a  cure, 

When  he's  never  been  sick  in  his  life. 

Those  who  have  faith  in  thy  virtue, 
Who  from  my  stream  hold  aloft. 

Are  the  quack  doctors  from  the  Faculty, 
Debauched  by  thy  waters  soft ; 

And  if  ever  Destiny  leads  such  men 
At  Charenton's  baths  to  dwell, 

I  trust  they  will  never  return  to  me, 
But  go  di-ink  with  Pluto  in  Hell. 

DE    CAILLY  (1604  to  1673). 

ON    A    MEDICAL    POET. 

Roc  was  a  poor  doctor,  but  a  good  poet  he. 

Who  epitaphs  wrote  on  his  patients  when  dead. 

Recording  their  good  deeds  and  fair  histories, 
Thus  treating  Life's  record  when   Life's  flame 
had  fled : 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


89 


While,  as  to  the  sick,  he  ne'er  cured  their  ills, 
And    none   e'er   recovered    that    to    his   hands 
came — 
For  Roc,  as  a  doctor,  killed  all  with  his  pills. 
But   Roc,  as  a  poet,  built  them  "  Temples  of 
Fame." 

ON    AN    IGNORANT    DOCTOR. 

Orontes  is  quite  ill ;  he  who  once  injured  thee. 
But  Faustus  treats  him  ;  thou  avenged  will  be. 

EPIGRAM. 

Some  claim  that  the  medical  art's  to  be  feared. 
Some  say  they  more  medical  learning  desired  ; 

Yet,  on  grave  reflection,  it  oft  hath  appeared 
We  can  stop  all   complaining  whene'er  it's  re- 
quired. 

EPIGRAM. 

Renault   seemed   always   to  be  at    Death's    dark 
brink. 

How  did  I  cure  him  ?     That's  what  I  shall  tell. 
I  bade  him  laugh,  dance,  sing,  and  take  his  drink. 

And  with  one  single  remedy  made  him  well. 
This  remedy  ?     He  dropped  his  doctor,  Phil, 
For  doctors  are  the  cause  of  every  ill, 

EPIGRAM. 

Your  precious  person,  so  I  learn  to-day, 
Abandoned  was  unto  four  doctors'  care ; 
Of  following  them  too  blindly  best  beware — 

Which  leads  me  in  all  kindness  here  to  say. 
Four  doctors  are  a  malady  hard  to  ease, 
E'en  ten  times  woise  than  is  your  own  disease. 

CHARLES  COYPEAU  (1605  to  1679). 

BURLESQUE    ADVENTURES. 

So,  seeing  her  fall  ill,  as  much  from  too 
great  application  to  the  affairs  of  her  State, 
as  well  as  to  the  little  physical  exercise  she 
took,  and  knowing  that  abundance  on 
which  the  poor  live  is  that  which  kills  the 
rich,  and  to  how  many  perils  the  lives  of 
the  great  are  exposed,  and  that  she  might 
be  attacked  by  the  stupidity  of  the  doctors, 
I  composed  a  piece  not  against  medicine, 
but  against  the  ignorance  of  physicians. 


PENSEES. 

It  is  said  that  astrology  and  medicine 
carry  in  themselves  the  monstrous  seeds  of 
that  terrible  error,  Atheism.  This  may  be 
true,  because  the  majority  of  those  who 
follow  these  professions  give  much  to  Na- 
ture ;  all  speak  of  the  infancy  of  the  world, 
and,  if  we  judge  the  past  by  the  present, 
as  believing  our  philosophers  and  physi- 
cians, we  cannot  but  doubt  its  infancy, 
seeing  its  decay ;  because,  if  history  lies  to 
us,  we  would  not  see  that  mother  Nature, 
who  in  the  early  ages  made  great,  strong 
and  robust  men,  does  not  employ  the  same 
material  to-day,  for  now  we  only  see  pyg- 
mies. Physicians  say  the  same  thing ; 
and,  when  they  have  slain  a  patient  by  the 
method  of  Galen  and  of  Hippocrates,  they 
excuse  themselves  by  this  decay  of  the 
world  and  accuse  the  debility  of  Nature, 
who,  with  simples  and  with  minerals,  no 
longer  inspires  at  the  present  day  the  same 
potency  that  was  remarked  in  the  times  of 
their  masters. 


SCARRON  (French  dramatist,   1610  to 

1660).  (') 

THE    HYPOCRITES. 

Have  thyself  carried  to  the  hospital, 
and,  when  thou  hast  found  the  advice 
therein  given  thee,  scorn  not  that  I  give 
thee ;  it  is,  my  poor  Montafar,  to  not  call 

I  Scarron  was  not  ctd  de  Jatte,  a  cripple  seated 
in  a  bowl,  as  has  often  been  claimed,  as  he  him- 
self said  : 

Je  suis  cul  de  jatte,  a  qui  membres  tortus 
Font  grand  mal  a  toute  heure. 

Scarron  had  general  chronic  rheumatism,  with 
ankylosis  and  deformity  of  the  joints,  that  gave  to 
his  body  the  form  of  the  letter  Z.  His  long  and 
painful  sufferings  and  the  lack  of  efficiency  on  the 
part  of  medical  remedies  in  his  case  explains  and 


90 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


in  a  doctor,  for  he  will  forbid  thee  to 
drink  wine,  not  knowing  that  this  alone, 
without  the  fever,  is  capable  of  causing 
thy  death  in  twenty-four  hours. 

INNOCENT    ADULTERY. 

She  called  those  of  her  domestics  who 
had  the  care  of  Dom  Garcias,  and  left  the 
chamber  when  the  surgeons  entered.  The 
satisfaction  of  mind  is  the  sovereign  remedy 
of  a  sick  body.  Dom  Garcias  hoped  from 
the  words  of  Eugene  a  happy  termination 
for  his  love.  So  that  his  soul,  chagrined 
as  It  had  been,  like  a  lover  without  hope, 
was  now  given  over  to  joy,  and  this  happi- 
ness served  better  to  cure  him  than  all  the 
remedies  of  surgery. 


MONTREUIL 


MATTHIEU      DE 

(1611  to  i69i).(') 

TO    A    PHYSICIAN    WHO    BECAME    A 
PRIEST. 

When  I  see  you  officiate  at  sermon  and  Mass, 
Reading  the  Scriptures,  hearing  each  sinner's 
confession, 

I  thank  Divine  Bounty  that  led  you  to  pass 
To  the  Church  from  the  medical  profession. 

Had  Hippocrates'  precepts  received  at  your  hand 
The  same  close  attention  you  give  to  Church 
laws, 

We'd  not  not  now  be  hst'ning  to  services  grand, 
But  been  duly  torn  by  your  medical  claws. 

So,  thanks  be  to  God  !  at  fasting  and  feast ; 

Ab  !  we'll  praise  His  mercy  whenever  we  can, 
For  it  was  His  will  changed  doctor  to  priest — 

Ah  !  God  is,  indeed,  the  Saviour  of  man. 


excuses  his  sarcasms  against  medical  art,  although 
he  put  into  his  criticisms  less  animosity  than 
Montaigne,  Moliere  and  J.  J.  Rousseau,  who  did 
not  suffer  as  much  from  these  infirmities,  how- 
ever, as  Scarron. 

I  This  was  the  case  of  Rabelais  reversed  ;  he 
had  the  double  title  of  Cure  de  Meudon  and  Doc- 
tor of  the  Faculty  of  Montpellier. 


BENSERADE  (1613  to  i69i).0 

SONNET    TO    THE    MARQUIS    DEL 
CARETTE.  Q) 

Toy,  dont  redoutent  les  approches 
Ces  medecins  qui  volontiers 
Du  monde  retranchent  le  tiers, 
Celebres  par  le  bruit  de  cloches. 

Toy,  qui  ne  bronches,  ni  ne  cloches, 
Eloigne  de  leur  faux  sentiers, 
Fleau  des  languissans  heritiers. 
Qui  te  font  des  secrets  reproches. 

Digne  Esculape  de  nos  jours, 
Carette,  ton  noble  secours 
A  le  bien  payer  me  convie. 

Et  fameux  par  tout  I'Univers, 
Celuy  qui  prend  soin  de  ma  vie 
Doit  estre  immortel  dans  mes  vers. 

THE   TWO    DOCTORS  AND  THE 
PATIENT. 

One  of  those  physicians  who  make  so  many  visits. 

Always  saying,  "  So  much  better  !  "  to  a  fellow 

sick  abed, 

So  wearied  out  a  patient  by  his  oft-repeated  lying 

That  he  cried,  "My  heirs  all  think  as  you  have 

said !  " 


1  Benserade  died  of  a  hemorrhage  following 
an  unfortunate  bleeding  from  the  arm,  where  the 
humeral  artery  was  wounded,  and  the  physician 
in  charge,  losing  his  head,  abandoned  the  patient 
and  fled. 

It  was  Benserade  who  was  the  author  of  an 
Italian-French  ballet  entitled  "Amor  Malato " 
(Love  sick),  in  which  physicians  were  ridiculed. 
This  was  in  January,  1657.  "  Two  doctors,"  says 
Louis  Moland,  "  called  Time  and  Hurry,  consult 
at  the  bedside  of  Love  who  has  Reason  as  a 
nurse.  Hurry  desires  to  administer  a  dose  of 
antimonial  wine,  but  the  other  two  object,  and 
decide  that  the  best  means  to  cure  Love  is  to  dis- 
tract her  by  recreations  and  diversions.  So  Time 
and  Reason  appear  to  have  been  good  physicians 
ever  since  in  curing  Love. 

2  "  Caretti  was  an  Italian  who  acquired  great 
reputation  by  selling  high-pnced  remedies  that 
seldom  killed  if  they  did  not  cure,"  says  La 
Bruyere. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


91 


Sick  men  should  profit  by  this  salutary  story: 
Can  they  cure  you  saying  "Better!"  in  order 
to  seem  nice  ? 
Remember  Moliere  ne'er  gave  doctors  any  glory, 
For  he  knew  them  far  too  well  to  follow  their 
advice. 

TO    A    SHOEMAKER    WHO    BECAME    A 
DOCTOR. 

An     impudent     shoemaker,     stupidly     ignorant, 
wholly  ill-bred, 
Became   a   doctor,   weallhy    and    envied.     The 
rich  he  did  treat ; 
For  people  of  high  rank  to  this  fellow  trusted  a 
head, 
When  as  a  cobbler  they'd  never  trust  him  with 
their  feet. 

TO    DOCTOR    ESPRIT. 

(Sonnet.) 
Esprit,  it  is  said  thou  canst  health  restore. 

That  disease  departs  at  the  glance  of  thine  eye ; 
'Tis  thine  wonderful  art  makes  the  Avorld  adore. 

That  art  that  makes  many  a  patient  die. 

Thou  hast  cured  Ludre  with  thine  medical  aid ; 

Thou  art  proud  of  doing  thine  healing  duty  : 
The  color  once  from  her  cheeks  did  fade, 

But  now  she  is  rosy,  a  perfect  young  beauty. 

What  is  the  reason  thou  hast  made  this  cure  ? 

'Twas  not  an  accident,  surely  not  chance  ? 
Say,  was  she  virtuous,  or  was  she  impure  ? 

Doth  she  for  thee  life's  pleasures  enhance  ? 

Alas !  we  know  well  that  her  cure  injures  all, 
For  sparkling's  her  glance,  heaving's  her  chest. 

To  save  this  one  patient  on  whom  thou  dost  call 
Thou'd  be  guilty  of  cutting  the  throats  of  the 
rest. 

yESCULAPIUS    AS    A    SERPENT. 
(Rondeau.) 
Like  a  serpent  yEsculapius  pas?;ed. 

And  the  cautious  their  prudence  forgot. 
Among  real  charmers  he  may  be  classed  ; 

To  sport  with  men's  lives  was  his  lot. 
His  mortal  days  sped  pleasantly  by, 

And  he's  now  with  the  Gods,  by  their  grace. 
With  Jove  he's  honored  up  in  the  sky, 
And  his  image  on  earth  has  a  place : 

As  a  serpent ! 


He  practiced  the  life-giving  trade  ; 

And  Rome,  by  his  sageness  impressed, 
Acknowledged  all  cures  that  he  made 

When  mortals  by  pain  were  distressed. 
Yet,  when  he  to  Olympus  swift  flew 

Rome  trusted  no  doctor  besides ; 
And  keeping  his  merits  in  view, 

Now  in  Rome  his  bronze  image  abides. 

As  a  serpent ! 

EPITAPH    UPON    A    PHYSICIAN. 

•'  Hac  sub  km?io,  per  quern  tot  jacuere,  jacet.'''' 

Here  lies  one  who  others  destroyed, 
A  learned  physician,  old  and  gray, 

His  harmful  art  the  public  decoyed. 
For  him  let  us  Pater  Nosters  say. 

A  true  Basilisk  he,  with  death  in  his  eye ; 

To  shorten  life's  days  was  his  favorite  trick, 
For  potioned  and  clystered  his  patients  did  die. 
He  once   killed   a  mule,  as  it  chanced   to  be 
sick. 
More  of  an  enemy  he  of  Quinquina 
Than  great  Augustus  was  of  his  Cinna. 

*  *  * 

GILLES    MENAGE    (French    critic, 
1613  to  1692). 

MENAGIANA. 

I  must  be  immortal,  for  the  charlatans 
and  physicians  have  not  yet  been  able  to 
kill  me.(')  I  have  had  thirteen  doctors 
from  the  Faculty  in  consultation  at  one 
time.  They  agreed  that  I  must  not  study 
and  should  not  write,  saying  if  I  violated 
this  order  I  would  not  last  long.  Since 
then  I  no  longer  desire  the  attendance  of 
medical  men,  as  I  have  studied  harder 
than  ever  and  have  written  continually; 
hence  my  improved  condition  of  health. 


I  Menage  suffered  for  a  long  time  from  sci- 
atica. Being  on  his  knees  one  day  at  the  Church 
of  Notre  Dame,  he  dislocated  his  thigh  in  at- 
tempting to  rise  to  hi-;  feet.  On  another  occasion 
he  fell  and  dislocated  his  shoulder  in  a  chapel. 
So  that  he  was  in  the  habit  of  saying  he  was 
always  "  out  of  place  in  a  church." 


92 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctojs. 


Petrarch  was  the  great  enemy  of  doc- 
tors. Upon  the  words  ^^  ars  longa,  vita 
brevis"  which  commence  the  aphorisms  of 
Hippocrates,  he  remarked  that  ^^Vitam 
dum  hrnmn  dixerunt,  brevisshnam  effecerunt.^^ 
Godeau  as  well  has  noted  this  in  his 
poems : 

Cet  art  qui  fait  le  meurtre  avec  impunite 
Et  dont  notre  foiblesse  accroit  I'autorite 
Par  ses  remedes  m'empoisonne.     . 

Here  are  two  verses  in  Latm  on  a 
famous  accoucheur  who  enriched  himself 
at  the  expense  of  pregnant  women : 

Quas  bona  pars  hominum  muliebri  condit  in 

antro, 
Ex  illo  Clemenr  emit  unus  opes.(*) 

It  is  thus  that  medicine  is  defined  as 
the  art  where  science  sustains  a  patient 
with  frivolous  reasons  as  to  the  cause  of 
his  malady,  and  amuses  him  with  good 
and  bad  remedies,  while  waiting  for  Na- 
ture to  kill  or  cure  him. 

A  peasant  was  very  ill.  Two  surgeons 
wished  to  use  a  remedy  on  him,  saying, 
^^  Probe mus  (Let  us  try)."  The  patient, 
thinking  they  mocked  him,  answered: 
'  *  You  take  me  for  a  Bemus,  ( ')  eh  ?  I  will 
not  take  your  medicine !  "  And  thus  prob- 
ably saved  his  own  life,  which  might  have 
been  lost  had  he  swallowed  the  agent. 

Almost  the  same  thing  occurred  to 
Muret.  Two  physicians,  without  know- 
ing it,  had  a  consultation,  which  he  over- 
heard, in  a  room  adjoining  his  sleeping 
apartment.  After  having  discoursed  at 
length  in  Latin,  not  believing  the  patient 


1  All  that  wealth  hidden  by  man  in  tjie 
bosom  of  woman,  Clement  removes  piece  by 
piece. 

2  Bemus  means  ignormmts,  in  old  French  par- 
lance, although  the  word  is  now  obsolete.  The 
play  in  words  is  obvious. 


understood  that  tongue,  the  conversation 
finally  dropped  on  to  a  new  remedy,  that 
had  not  yet  been  tried,  and  one  physician 
said  to  the  other:  '■'•Faciamus  periculum  in 
anima  vili  (Let  us  try  it  on  a  life  of  no 
value)."  When  Muret,  rising  in  his  bed, 
exclaimed  in  indignation:  ^^Vilem  animam 
appetlas,  pro  qua  Christus  non  dedignatus  est 
mori  (Thou  call  est  a  life  without  value  for 
which  Christ  disdained  not  to  die)  ?  " 

Bernier  de  Blois,  a  physician,  knew 
well  how  to  speak,  inasmuch  as  he  con- 
tinually talked.  I  know  not  how  he  dared 
present  himself  at  my  house,  since  he  had 
printed  a  letter  he  had  addressed  to  me  in 
which  he  had  roundly  abused  some  of  my 
ordinary  visitors.  I  had  asked  him  not  to 
call,  as  he  might  meet  some  of  the  parties 
he  had  slandered  and  maltreated,  as  they 
would  be  indignant  at  me  for  permitting 
his  presence;  and  besides,  I  could  not 
have  blamed  them  for  reproaching  him 
with  bitterness  when  all  the  wrong  was  on 
his  side.  He  had  not  even  spared  me  in 
his  abusive  letter,  and  I  could  scarcely  be- 
lieve he  would  have  the  impudence  to 
call.  Then  he  wrote  a  book  against  my 
character.  My  friends  asked  how  I  would 
bear  that  insult,  and  I  answered:  ''Bernier 
knows  what  wood  to  warm  me  with.  In 
fact,  when  he  visits  me  he  always  takes  up 
the  whole  fireside,  so  that  I  cannot  warm 
myself  even  if  I  chose.  He  has  written,  in 
the  past  two  years,  a  thousand  things  I 
have  said  to  him,  in  order  to  insert  the 
same  in  his  "Essay  on  Medicine";  and 
the  material  has  been  badly  used,  it  is  vir 
levis  armatures. ^^ 

One  of  the  most  curious  works  that  has 
ever  appeared  is  the  **  Life  of  Cardinal 
Bessariou,"  by  Nicholas  Perot,  in  which 
the  latter  speaks  in  a  foot-note  of  the  word 
incompris  of  the  twenty-fifth  epigram  in  the 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


93 


first  book  of  Martial,  where  he  says  very 
positively  that  the  disease  of  which  the 
Cardinal  died  was  caused  by  his  physician : 
'^Morbo  inopinato,  Medici^  quern  secum  habe- 
bat  opera  correptus^  extinctus  est.i^)  That 
which  I  expressly  observe  is  by  reason  for 
the  opinion  that  his  mission  had  a  bad 
success,  and  the  Cardinal  really  died  of 
chagrin." 

The  Marquis  de  Liche  was  Embassador 
from  Spain  to  Rome  in  spite  of  himself, 
for  the  Duke  of  Modena  retained  him  in 
position,  because  he  appreciated  the  wit  of 
the  Marquis  as  well  as  his  intrigues.  Dur- 
ing the  whole  period  he  was  embassador 
he  did  all  he  could  to  mortify  Pope  Inno- 
cent XI,  thinking  this  was  the  best  means 
to  have  himself  recalled  from  his  mission, 
but  failed  in  the  attempt.  Having  failed 
in  this  plan,  he  lell  sick  and  sent  for  the 
Pope's  physician.  One  of  his  friends  knew 
that  in  Italy  the  native  physicians  are  more 
to  be  feared  than  in  any  other  country  in 
all  Christendom,  and  remarked  to  the  Mar- 
quis: "Why  do  you  send  for  the  doctor  of 
your  bitter  enemy,  the  Pope  ?  Do  you  de- 
sire to  shorten  your  life  ?  "  And  the  tired- 
out  Marquis  retorted:  "Do  you  think 
I  should  send  for  the  Pope's  physician  if  I 
wanted  to  live?"  His  Holiness  having 
heard  this  story,  sent  Favoriti  to  give  his 
compliments  to  the  Marquis  in  his  sick- 
ness, who  told  him  the  Pope  prayed  for  his 
convalescence  with  as  much  fervor  as  he 
did  for  his  retirement  from  the  mission. 

In  the  majority  of  instances  epidemic 
diseases  only  exist  in  the  imagination  and 
deceit  of  charlatan  physicians  and  sur- 
eeons.  The  Abbot  Bourdelot  told  me  that 
Queen  Anne  of  Austria  died  of  a  cancer  of 

I  He  died  suddenly,  lost  by  the  physician 
who  had  him  in  charge. 


the  heart ;  all  the  ladies  of  the  Court  who 
visited  her  believed  themselves  attacked 
by  the  same  disease,  (')  and  a  quack  doctor, 
for  his  own  profit  and  reputation,  treated 
every  one  of  these  deluded  females,  and 
with  his  remedies  made  an  imaginary  or 
veritable  malady. 

Marshall  de  Bassompierre  died  at  Prov- 
ence from  an  overdose  of  opium,  given 
him  by  an  unskilled  doctor.  This  story 
accords  well  with  that  which  others  relate, 
that  he  died  of  apoplexy  at  the  castle  of  the 
Duke  de  Vitri,  on  the  12th  of  October, 
1646.  An  overdose  of  opium  perhaps  causes 
apoplexy.  {'-) 

*  *  * 

SORBIERE  (1615  to  1670). 

SORBERIANA.  ' 

Galen.  He  attributes  many  inconsider- 
ate things  to  Galen;  for,  in  treating  the 
same  things  in  different  places,  he  never 
has  the  same  definition,  nor  the  same 
order,  nor  the  same  proofs.  It  seems  as 
though  he  proposed  to  write  a  book  of  a 
certain  number  of  pages — to  make  quantity 
without  quahty.  He  has  taken  pleasure  in 
wielding  his  pen  and  give  it  wide  space 
upon  the   text  of  Hippocrates,  which  has 

1  These  instances  of  courtier  imitation  are 
common.  The  fainting  spells  of  Louis  XIII.  be- 
came the  fashion  among  his  nobles  and  Court 
attendants.  When  Louis  XIV.  was  operated  on 
for  fistula  in  ano,  many  of  the  courtiers  said  they 
had  that  stylish  disease  and  insisted  on  being 
operated  on,  following  the  King's  example. 
During  the  pregnancy  of  Marie  Antoinette  all  the 
ladies  of  her  Court  claimed  to  be  enceinte  and  . 
simulated  that  condition  by  padding  themselves 
over  the  abdomen,  so  that  all  seemed  to  be  in 
more  or  less  advanced  periods  of  gestation. 

2  This  fantastic  explanation  may  satisfy  Men- 
ages'  malice  against  doctors,  but  it  is  not  scienific, 
however. 


94 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


served  to  support  him  in  his  efforts  to 
climb  and  push  upwards,  in  such  a  way 
that  the  author  reminds  us  of  the  ivy 
crawling  up  a  tree  or  over  a  wall  to  which 
it  is  wholly  attached  for  support  and 
sustenance. 

Physicians.  The  doctors  are,  in  their 
knowledge  of  physic,  like  blind  beggars, 
and  the  people  are  like  Provincials  who 
know  not  the  streets  of  Paris.  The  blind 
beggars  can  lead  you  through  the  public 
thoroughfares  and  from  lazy  habit  and  ex- 
perience find  the  churches,  which  they  do 
without  seeing  or  knowing  how  they 
arrived  thereat.  Physicians  do  the  same 
thing  with  the  human  body,  which  they 
reach  they  know  not  by  what  route,  yet 
often  leads  them,  happily,  to  where  they 
wish  to  reach,  but  yet  to  places  they  know 
not  by  sight.  (') 

It  is  a  pitiable  thing  to  hear  doctors 
rely  on  bad  reasoning  as  to  the  remedies 
they  so  often  use  with  more  good  effects 
than  science. 

Medicine.  There  is  no  knowledge  more 
necessary  to  our  welfare  than  that  of  medi- 
cine, yet  no  art  is  more  obscure  and  from 
all  time  more  neglected. 

*  *  * 

CHEVREAU  (1615  to  1741). 

CHEVR^ANA. 

In  China  there  are  doctors  and  apothe- 
caries, and  they  prepare  the  remedies 
ordered.  They  are  paid  only  when  the 
patients   are   cured,    and    receive   nothing 

I  A  physician  heard  a  nobleman  speak  of 
medicine  as  a  conjectural  art,  and  remarked  to 
him:  "Let  us  suppose  that  Paris  was  suddenly 
beclouded  by  a  heavy  fog.  Is  it  not  true  that 
you  would  prefer  a  blind  man  with  his  staff  as  a 
guide,  one  who  is  accustomed  to  the  streets  and 


Otherwise.  If  this  custom  were  regularly 
observed  in  Paris  there  would  be  none  left 
in  the  hospitals — except  the  doctors. 

REGARDING    MEDICINE. 

Medicine  is  a  very  difficult  science, 
because  the  theory  puzzles  the  understand- 
ing and  the  practice  enlarges  the  imagina- 
tion. One  is  never  cured  by  aphorisms, 
and  experience  goes  further  than  accepted 
rules.  If  we  examine  the  nourishment  and 
temperament,  climate,  waters  of  the  places, 
and  even  perhaps  the  constellations  of  the 
day,  we  never  follow  just  measures.  When 
we  fail  we  find  the  remedy  that  has  been 
good  to  some  one  at  a  given  time  is  inju- 
rious to  another  at  a  different  period,  be- 
cause It  no  longer  has  the  same  action.  It 
may  be  even  less  good  sometimes  to  two 
persons  having  different  constitutions  ;  for 
we  know,  from  the  Greek  historians,  that 
Antonius  Musa  killed  Marcellus  with  the 
same  remedy  through  means  of  which  he 
cured  the  Emperor  Augustus.  In  these 
Provinces  the  executioners  of  the  Faculty  of 
Montpellier  are  not  much  in  fashion,  as 
they  have  only  one  method  on  travel  on 
the  same  road.  All  that  I  know  is  that 
^sculapius,  according  to  Celsus,  reduced 
the  duty  of  the  doctor  to  cure  tuto,  celeriter 
et  jucunde  ,(')  but  where  can  you  find  a 
modern  ^i^sculapius?  When  we  shall  meet 
a  prudent  and  skillful  physician,  who  cares 
more  for  experience  than  all  the  maxims 
of  the  Schools;  who  only  consults  his 
own  conscience,  without  reflecting  on  his 
personal  interests ;  who  has  only  seen  his 
patients  cured,  without  regard  to  his  rank 
or  standing  professionally,  we  will  exclaim 
with  Juvenal : 


nevergoes    astray,   to    a    clairvoyant    who    would 
assuredly  lead  you  into  the  ditch  ?  " 

I   Surely,  quickly  and  agreeably. 


TJic  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


95 


Rara  avis  in   terris  nigroque  simillima 
cycno.(^) 

Yet,  another  thing,  this  science  is  very 
hazardous,  inasmuch  as  it  is  founded  on 
conjectures ;  and,  according  to  Plato,  the 
conjectures  of  physicians  are  extremely  un- 
certain. For  the  rest,  our  doctors  need 
not  feel  astonished  that  I  have  treated 
them  as  I  would  public  executioners ;  the 
same  Celsus  I  have  quoted  treated  ^scula- 
pius  no  more  favorably.  ' '  Quo  magis  fallun- 
ter,  quiper  omnia,  juamdam  ejus  disciplinam 
esse  concipiunt.  Et  enim  ulterioribus  quidem 
diebus  cubantis  etiam  luxuries  suscripsit  primis 
vero  tortoris  vicetn  exhibuit.  ("-') 

*  * 

HAUTEROCHE     (French     dramatist, 
1617  to  1707). 

CRISPIN,     MEDECIN. 

Act  II. — Scene  2. 

Mirobolan:  We  must  now  arrange  the 
room  properly,  so  as  to  receive  all  those 
who  do  me  the  honor  of  attending  my  dis- 
sections. Aside  from  this,  we  must  be 
careful,  although  the  garden  separating  the 
two  houses  is  a  guarantee  against  the  ob- 
stinate disputations  and  loud  noises  held 
on  these  occasions.  There  are  always 
some  who  will  not  agree  with  the  others, 
and  who,^  in  order  to  sustain  an  erroneous 
opinion,  make  more  discord  than  four 
ordinary  men. 

Dorine  :  Truly,  sir,  although  you  claim 
to  be  doctors,  you   never  agree ;  vonr  sci- 

1  A  rare  bird  on  earth,  only  comparable  to  a 
black  swan. 

2  So  it  is  an  error  to  imagine  that  all  his 
methods  are  agreeable ;  in  his  latter  days  he 
favored  inactivity  in  the  treatment  of  disease,  but 
in  his  early  days  of  practice  he  was  a  true  execu- 
tioner. 


ence  is  an  uncertain  one,  and  you  are  the 
first  deceived. 

Mirobolan  :  That  sometimes  happens  ; 
but  that  is  not  the  fault  of  the  medecine. 

Dorine :  It  must,  then,  be  the  fault  of 
the  doctors  when  it  is  not  that  of  the  medi- 
cine. 

Mirobolan :  That  may  be  the  case,  too; 
but,  Dorine,  that  is  none  of  your  business. 

Dorine :  No ;  but  I  have  the  right  to 
express  my  sentiments,  and  although  it 
may  be  none  of  my  business  to-day,  it  will 
be  some  other  day,  in  spite  of  myself. 

Scene  10. 

Crispin  {passing  in  a  doctor's  gowii)  : 
Zounds !  Look  how  I'm  arrayed.  \To 
Dorine^  Ah  !  I  shall  appear  to  be  igno- 
rant, but  that  makes  no  difference,  since 
so  many  doctors  are  ignorant. 

Dorine :  Without  doubt. 

Scene  11. 

Crispin:  Now,  I  am  all  right.  Open 
the  door! 

Lisa  [entering] :    Is  the  doctor  in  ? 

Dorine  :  No ! 

Lisa  :   Why  do  you  conceal  him  ? 

Dorine:  What  do  you  desire? 

Lisa :    Only  to  say  two  words  to  him. 

Crispin:  Well!  What  do  you  desire 
of  me? 

Lisa :  Sir,  I  wish  to  tell  you  that  my 
mistress  has  lost  her  little  pet  dog,  that  she 
loves  most  dearly,  and  she  blames  me, 
saying  it  was  my  fault.  Now,  I  have  been 
told  that  you  are  acquainted  with  the  art 
of  divination  as  well  as  with  that  of  medi- 
cine. 

Crispin :  I'm  truly  as  learned  in  the 
one  art  as  in  the  other. 

Lisa:  Understanding  that  has  led  me 
to  come  and  ask  your  advice ;  and  I  am 
willing  to  reward  you  handsomely. 


96 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


Crispin:  How  long  has  the  dog  been 
lost? 

Lisa:  Two  days. 

Crispin :  At  what  hour  was  the  animal 
missing? 

Lisa:  At  eleven  o'clock  in  the  morn- 
ing. 

Crispin  :    What  color  was  its  hair  ? 

LAsa:  Black  and  white;  and  it  had  a 
turned-up  tail. 

Crispin  \in  deep  thought]  :  That  is 
enough. 

Lisa  [to  Dorine\ :  Ah !  the  good  doctor ! 
He  will  now  give  us  some  good  news 
about  our  dear  little  dog. 

Dorine:   Without  doubt. 

Crispin  :  Listen.  It  is  two  days  since 
he  was  lost  ? 

Lisa:   Yes,  doctor. 

Crispin:  At  eleven  o'clock  in  the 
morning. 

Lisa:  Yes. 

Crispin:  He  was  black  and  white,  with 
a  turned-up  tail  ? 

Lisa :   Yes,  doctor. 

Crispin  [after  deep  thoug/it] :  You  will 
have  to  take  pills. 

Lisa:   Pills! 

Caispin :   Yes. 

Lisa :  But  taking  pills  will  not  make 
me  find  the  dog  ? 

Crispin .    Yes. 

Lisa  :   But  what  kind  of  pills? 

Crispi7i:  The  first  the  apothecary 
hands  you. 

Lisa  :   But,  doctor — 

Crispin :  It  is  not  necessary  to  discuss 
the  matter.     Do  what  I  tell  you  to  do. 

Lisa:   How  many  pills  must  I  take? 

Crispin:  Three. 

Lisa  [giving  him  a  crown  piece'] :  Very 
well.  It  I  find  that  little  dog  by  this 
means  I  shall  give  you  any  amount  of 
practice. 


Crispin :  If  you  do  not  find  the  dog  it 
will  not  be  the  fault  of  the  remedy. 

Lisa :   I  believe  you.     Adieu,  doctor. 
[Crispin:  Adieu.     [Liza  leaves  the  room. 

Scene  12. 

Dorine  [after  having  closed  the  door] :  Ah, 
Crispin,  you  no  sooner  put  on  a  doctor's 
gown  than  you  receive  your  first  fee. 

Crispin :  The  d — 1.  I  see  that  this  is 
a  first-class  trade.  Without  knowing  what 
you  are  doing  you  earn  money. 

*  *  ^ 

ROGER     DE     RABUTIN    (1618   to 
1693)- 

MEMOIRS. 

Fifteen  days  after  my  return  to  Les- 
borges  I  was  attacked  by  a  quartan  fever, 
caused  by  figs,  melons,  and  from  using 
snow  and  ice  waters, — too  much  eating 
and  the  excessive  heat. 

The  Prince's  physician,  called  Mon- 
treuil,  treated  me,  and  bled  me  eight  times 
in  three  weeks.  Fortunately  for  me,  the 
doctor  fell  sick  himself,  and  died.  Except 
for  this,  judging  from  his  practice,  he 
would  have  killed  me. 


TALLEMANT  DES  REAUX  (1619 
to  1692). 

HISTORETTES    XXVI.       MALHERBE. 

Once,  being  ill,  he  sent  for  Thevenin 
the  oculist,  and  the  latter  proposed  to  call 
in  Dr.  Robin. (')  Said  Malherbe :  "  I  do 
not  desire  that  kind  of  a  man."  Then 
said  Thevenin:  "Permit  me  to  summon 
Doctor  Guenebeau  ?  "  "  No ! "  cried  Mal- 
herbe,  "that   is    the    name  of  a  hunting 


I   Robin    signifies  in   French   a  contemptible 
fellow. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


97 


dog."  ''Shall  we  call  in  Doctor  Dacier 
(steel)  ?"  queried  the  oculist.  **No,"  re- 
sponded Malherbe,  ''he  is  harder  than 
iron."  "Then,"  said  Thevenin,  "we  must 
call  in  Doctor  Providence."  And  Mal- 
herbe replied :  "In  Providence  only  will 
I  trust." 

XXXVIII.       BURET. 

Doctor  Duret  was  a  visionary  physi- 
cian. He  claimed  that  the  air  of  Paris  was 
unhealthy,  and  raised  his  only  son  in  a 
glass  house  to  keep  him  from  dying.  At 
dinner  he  took  nothing  but  meat  juices, 
saying  that  his  carriage  jolting  prevented 
proper  digestion;  but  he  always  took  a 
very  heavy  supper.  He  had  a  horror  of  a 
fire  in  a  grate,  and  never  would  look  at  a 
hearth-place.  He  knew  his  art  well,  and 
grew  rich  at  practice.  All  apothecaries 
denounced  him  as  a  fool  because  he  cured 
his  patients  by  dieting  them,  fasting  being 
his  sovereign  remedy.  His  favorite  pre- 
scription was  pure  water  and  a  roasted 
apple. 

LXV.       CARDINAL  RICHELIEU. 

Madam  de  Guercheville,  when  at 
Angouleme,  needed  a  physician,  and  se- 
lected Vaultier,  who  was  much  praised  as 
a  skilful  practitioner.  He  cured  her  of 
erysipelas,  and  restored  her  to  health  from 
other  maladies  of  which  she  complained, 
so  that  he  had  greater  influence  over  her 
than  any  other  person ;  from  hence  came 
the  hatred  Cardinal  Richelieu  bore  him. 
Vaultier  was  a  large,  broad  shouldered 
man,  who  never  failed  to  make  himself 
heard  on  all  occasions.  He  was  very  rich 
and  penurious,  his  income  from  rents 
alone  amounting  to  20,000  crowns  per 
annum. 

CXLI.       DU    MOUSTIER. 

He  hated  the  doctors  as  much  as  he  did 


the  Jesuits,  and  called  them  the  "magnifi- 
cent executioners  of  Nature." 

CLXX.       DE    LORME.(') 

He  told  how  he  had  beaten  a  physician 
of  the  Faculty  with  his  walking-stick. 
Madame  de  Themines  had  a  very  sick  son, 
and  De  Lorme  asked  for  a  consultation. 
Doctor  Duret  and  another  physician  were 
accordingly  summoned.  On  entering  the 
sick  room,  Duret,  being  the  eldest,  went 
first ;  the  other  doctor,  as  being  from  the 
Faculty  of  Medicine  of  Paris,  claimed  sec- 
ond place  and  followed,  when  De  Lorme 
seized  a  stick  and  thrashed  the  latter 
soundly,  whereat  Duret  fled  in  terror, 
followed  by  the  irate  De  Lorme.  The 
Marquise  screamed:  "Ah!  Doctor  Duret, 
you  are  running  off  without  prescribing  for 
my  son ;  "  to  which  the  fast-disappearing 
Duret  shouted  back:  "Have  him  bled. 
Madam  !  "  and  could  never  be  persuaded 
to  return. 

He  pretended  that  the  people  of  Bour- 
bon erected  a  statue  in  his  honor,  as  he 
advertised  their  waters  and  afterwards  sold 
his  charge.  He  took  a  large  pension  from 
these  people  to  make  the  world  believe  he 
was  doing  well  by  living  in  magnificence. 
In  time,  however,  he  grew  to  be  im- 
mensely rich.  When  he  became  old  he 
acquired  a  great  fear  of  damp  evenings, 
and  always,  at  five  o'clock,  he  covered  his 
head  with  a  dew-proof  cap,  and,  attired 
in  a  flowered  satin  suit  and  rose-colored 
silk  stockings,  he  appeared  on  the  prome- 


I  Charles  de  Lorme,  first  physician  to  Henry 
IV,  and  of  Louis  XII,  died  af  the  age  of  eighty 
years.  He  invented  a  red  soup  that  he  claimed 
was  a  panacea  for  all  earthly  ills.  He  took  great 
precautions  to  guard  himself  from  cold  and  mois- 
ture. He  sat  in  a  chair  before  a  fire-place  during 
the  whole  winter.  He  slept  on  a  bed  of  warm 
bricks,  lying  down  to  his  rest  wearing  six  pairs  of 
stockings  and  his  boots. 


98 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


nade,  making  one  of  the  most  pleasant, 
and  at  the  same  time  unique,  figures  in  the 
fashionable  world. 

CLXXI.       JALOUX. 

A  physician  of  Soissons,  named  Rapoil, 
had  a  good-looking  wife,  but  she  had  an 
eruption  on  her  face  that  cropped  out  each 
month,  so  that  she  had  only  fifteen  days  of 
beauty  out  of  every  thirty.  Her  husband 
was  very  jealous  of  her,  and,  although  well 
knowing  how  to  cure  her,  owing  to  his 
suspicious  nature  he  would  not  give  her  a 
remedy.  She  was  too  coquettish,  never- 
theless, and  soon  obtained  a  divorce  from 
him. 

CCIV.       M.  DE    VASSE. 

Vasse  was  in  love  with  the  famous 
Ninon,  the  celebrated  beauty,  and  invited 
her  to  a  party  at  Saint  Cloud.  He  asked 
Mesnardiere  to  be  one  of  the  party.  This 
man  was  the  family  physician  of  the  Mar- 
quise de  Sable  and  a  professional  author ; 
and,  although  Vasse  rode  on  horseback, 
attended  by  four  pages  in  livery,  the  doctor 
climbed  up  on  the  carriage  seat  and  ex- 
changed amorous  whispers  with  the  beau- 
tiful Ninon.  Scarron  said  of  this  Doctor 
Mesnardiere,  that  when  he  wore  firey  red 
stockings  he  thought  he  set  the  female 
world  in  flames.  Yet  this  medical  upstart 
was  only  the  son  of  an  apothecary,  and  he 
was  named  Jules,  too,  after  Julius  Caesar. 
It  was  a  good  name  for  him,  as  he  seemed 
to  be  a  conqueror — of  women's  hearts ;  per- 
haps he  was  really  an  honor  to  Julius 
CcBsar. 

CCXXXII.       M.   DE    GUISE. 

It  was  reported  to  him  that  a  doctor 
residing  in  the  house  had  made  some 
mocking  verses  on  the  amours  of  M.  de 
Guise  and  Mademoiselle  de  Pons.  All 
against   this    girl    was   a   liaison  with    His 


Majesty  the  King;  this  portion  of  the 
rhyme  was  true ;  but  De  Guise  made  his 
servants  visit  this  scandalizing  doctor's 
room,  and  while  he  remained  at  the  door 
the  lackeys  cow-hided  the  doctor.  This 
was  a  cowardly  proceeding,  methinks. 

CCXCIV.       M.   DE    CHAMP    ROND. 

Finally,  he  fell  sick  in  the  summer  of 
1658.  On  the  seventeenth  day  of  his  ill- 
ness he  sent  for  his  wife  and  said : 
"Madam,  this  Doctor  Brayer  makes  my 
illness  last  longer  than  is  necesssary — this 
is  ruination  to  my  business  affairs ;  so  dis- 
charge him  at  once,  for  Nature  will  cure 
me  without  his  assistance." 

CCXCVII.       BON    MOTS. 

Claquenelle,  a  iioted  apothecary,  had 
Massac,  a  great  partisan  politician,  say  to 
him  :  ^^  Organa  pharmacice,  sunt  organa  fal- 
lacice  "  (a  pharmaceutical  party  is  a  party 
of  thieves),  to  which  the  druggist  answered, 
not  thinking  his  charges  high:  ^'Organa 
publicanorwn,  sunt  organa  diaholonmi "  (the 
party  of  publicans  is  the  party  of  the 
Devil). 

CCCIV.       MADAM    DE    HEQUETOT. 

Charleval,  brother-in-law  of  La  Ferte, 
wished  to  purge  himself,  as  Lent  was 
approaching.  The  remedy  he  took  from 
a  charlatan,  i.e.,  Merlet,  physician  to  the 
Faculty,  gave  him  a  frightful  diarrhoea. 
This  same  quack  then  insisted  that  he  take 
another  remedy,  and  the  boy,  having 
faith,  did  so ;  it  was  an  astringent,  and 
caused  such  a  retention  of  urine  that  the 
poor  young  fellow  died  twenty  four  hours 
later. 

CCCXXVI.       EXTRAVAGANCES. 

Catherine  de  Gonzague  de  Cleves, 
Duchesse  of  Longueville,  wished,  in  order 
to  follow  the  fashion,  to  be  bled.    One  day 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


99 


a  surgeon  bled  her  before  she  was  able  to 
turn  her  head  away  from  her  arms,  when 
she  promptly  discharged  the  medical  man, 
remarking :  '  ''He  is  very  impudent :  he  bled 
me  in  my  own  presence  1 " 

CCCLV,       BON    MOTS. 

Montaigne  was  sick  one  day,  and  his 
friends  insisted  that  he  call  in  a  physician. 
He  asked  this  doctor  what  his  name  was, 
and  he  responded  :  "  Scholars  and  learned 
men  call  me  Egidius,  but  the  ignorant  call 
me  a  gilly ; "  whereat  Montaigne  chased 
him  out  of  the  room,  and  would  not  permit 
the  ass  to  enter  again. 

CCCLIX.       MADAME    DE    LAUNAY. 

During  one  of  her  illnesses  Doctor 
Guenault  was  obliged  to  percuss  her  belly, 
and  she  said  to  him  chidingly :  "Not  so 
low,  Guenault !  Don't  touch  me  so  low 
down  !  "  He  was  a  mad  wag,  this  Doctor 
Guenault,  and  imagined  that  it  might  be  to 
her  taste. 

CCCLXXII.       PELLOT. 

He  fell  into  a  profound  state  of  melan- 
choly, which  made  him  really  hate  life. 
He  sent  in  quest  of  a  physician,  and 
seriously  demanded  of  him  what  kind  of 
death  was  the  easiest ;  that  he  intended  to 
snuff  out  life's  candle,  and  had  thought  of 
cutting  his  throat  with  a  razor.  "  Don't 
do  it !  "  cried  the  doctor  ;  ''  those  who  cut 
their  throats  are  usually  saved,  and  suffer 
greatly  afterwards."  "  Then,"  said  he, 
"  I  can  throw  myself  from  the  window  to 
the  pavement  beneath.  It  is  three  stories 
of  a  fall."  The  physician  answered  :  ''That 
might  only  cripple  you ;  but  I  will  give  you 
a  surer  death.  I  will  purge  you  several 
times,  for  it  is  easy  to  feign  that  you  are 
sick;  then,  under  pretext  that  you  suffer 
from  insomnia,  I  will  prescribe  an  over- 


dose of  opium  and  you  will  die  amid 
happy  dreams."  The  intention  of  this 
good  doctor  was  to  purge  the  patient  of 
his  melancholy  humor,  and  afterwards  give 
him  mental  repose  through  sleep.  He  did 
as  he  said  he  would.  He  went  to  call  on 
him  shortly  afterwards,  and  the  servants 
said,  "  He  is  asleep."  He  returned  again 
after  the  lapse  of  some  time  and  remarked, 
"He  still  sleeps.  Praise  be  to  God!" 
On  the  third  visit,  thinking  the  patient  had 
slept  long  enough,  the  doctor  strove  to 
arouse  him,  but  all  in  vain.  The  doctor, 
without  intending  to  keep  his  word,  had 
really  told  his  patient  the  truth. 


CYRANO  DE  BERGERAC  (1620  to 

1650). 

AGAINST    PHYSICIANS. 

Since  I  am  condemned,  for  physicians 
condemn  one  to  die  as  well  as  the  Judges 
of  Courts,  you  will  understand  that  I  have 
the  same  right  as  a  criminal  who  speaks 
his  last  words  on  the  scaffold.  So  I,  in  the 
hands  of  a  medical  executioner,  enter  my 
protest  against  being  starved  to  death  by  a 
low  diet.  The  fever  and  the  drugger  hold 
a  poignard  at  my  throat,  yet  I  trust  they 
will  not  permit  my  discourse  to  weary  you. 
I  know  full  well  that  the  medical  art  con- 
demns all  the  sick  to  death,  and  the  few 
who  escape  attribute  their  cure  to  the 
powerful  remedies  taken;  and  those  who 
are  dying  claim  that  they  have  employed 
the  most  able  doctors.  Admire  the  effron- 
tery of  my  executioner,  since  I  feel  that 
my  dying  is  caused  by  his  medicines ;  and 
the  more  new  symptoms  that  appear  the 
more  he  rejoices,  since  he  can  apply  new 
drugs.  When  I  fell  into  a  profound  syn- 
cope that  lasted  more  than  an  hour,  and 
related  the  same  to  him  in  alarm,  he  re- 


00 


TJie  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


sponded  that  it  was  a  good  sign.  When  he 
saw  a  bloody  flux  slowly  destroying  me,  he 
said  it  was  worth  twice  an  ordinary  bleeding. 
When  I  felt  dispirited  and  felt  a  coldness 
in  all  my  limbs,  he  only  laughed  and  said 
his  medicine  had  put  out  the  fires  of  my 
fever.  When  near  unto  death  and  unable 
to  speak,  I  heard  him  cry  to  my  weeping 
family,  *'  Fools,  do  you  not  know  it  is  the 
fever  ?  "  Meantime,  I  am  forced  to  bear 
with  him  and  slowly  die.  I  know  that  I 
am  wrong  in  calling  in  my  enemy  to  assist 
me,  but  could  I  divine  that  those  who  make 
a  profession  of  curing  would  kill  me? 

Ah !  these  doctors.  No  wonder  that 
the  police  authorities  oblige  these  medical 
graduates  to  ride  on  mules  instead  of 
horses,  for  fear  the  race  of  doctors  might 
increase  so  that  there  would  be  more  exe- 
cutioners than  patients.  Oh !  what  con- 
tentment. I  should  love  well  to  anatom- 
ize their  mules,  those  poor  animals  that 
never  feel  the  spurs,  neither  within  nor  on 
the  surface  of  the  flesh,  because  the  spurs 
and  boots  are  superfluities  that  the  delicate 
spirits  of  the  Faculty  cannot  digest.  These 
medical  men  regulate  the  diet  of  their 
mules  more  strictly  than  even  that  of  their 
patients;  they  feed  the  poor  animals  so 
little  that  their  skin  only  hangs  to  the 
bone.  They  treat  us  no  better,  although 
we  pay  them  well. 

Behold !  See  the  resemblance  between 
the  trial  by  a  doctor  and  by  a  judge.  The 
doctor,  having  looked  at  the  urine  and 
questioned  the  patient  as  to  his  stools,  con- 
demns him;  the  surgeon  binds  him  down, 
and  the  apothecary  discharges  his  blunder- 
buss syringe  into  the  patient's  rectum. 
The  trial  and  execution  are  finished. 

Three  kinds  of  inflictions  are  sent  to 
punish  man  during  his  life:   The  lawyer 


torments  his  purse ;  the  doctor  worries  the 
body;  while  the  clergyman  bedevils  his 
soul. 

*  >K  * 
LA  FONTAINE  (1621  to  1692). 

THE    SICK    DEER. 

II  ne  trouva  plus  rien  a  frire ; 
D'un  mal  il  tomba  dans  un  pire, 
Et  si  vit  reduit  a  la  fin 
A  jeuner  et  mourir  de  faim. 

11  en  coute  a  qui  vous  reclame, 
Medecins  du  corps  et  de  I'ame  ! 
O  temps,  O  moeurs !     J'ai  beau  crier 
Tout  le  monde  se  fait  payer. 

LE    QUINQUINA. 

Thus  speaks  the  school  and  all  its  disciples; 
Forced  by  their  patients  to  heed  the  doctrine 
That  kindly  Dame  Nature,  or  that  their  medicine 
Sometimes  apart  or  yet  sometimes  united. 
No  matter  which,  have  their  action  on  all. 
They  should  not  kill  fever  but  to  Nature  leave 

it— 
To  a  good  temperament. 

Yet  senna  and  bleeding, 
Those,  so  they  say,  all  impure  matter  purge, 
And  should  not  be  disdained  by  suffering  mortals. 
The  former,  mild  purgative,  certain  and  sure. 
Is  the  best  remedy  for  a  soft  temperament, 
Helped  along  gently  by  a  generous  diet ; 
Soon  the  poor  patient  has  health  as  usual  ; 
Yet  with  this  method  cures  are  made  slowly. 
Here  then's  a  cure  more  prompt  and  most  mar- 
velous— 
A  remedy  so  far  missed  by  our  Faculties. (*) 

*  *  * 
MOLIERE   (Dramatist,   1622  to  1673). 

EXTRACTS    FROM    DON    JUAN,  OR   THE 
FEAST    WITH    THE    STATUE. 

Act  III.     Scene  i. 

Sganarelle :    Yes,  'tis  the  robe  of  an  old 
doctor,  who  left  it  in  pawn ;  and  it  cost 

I  This  poem  by  Ta  Fontaine  may  be  found  in 
the  '   Medecine    Litteraire   et    Anecdolique  "   of 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


oi 


me  money  to  redeem  it,  too.  But  do  you 
know,  sir,  that  this  habit  has  already  made 
me  respected.  I  am  consulted  by  all  the 
gentlemen  I  meet;  yes,  people  come  to 
consult  me — all  on  account  of  my  costume. 

Don  Juan  :   How's  that  ? 

Sganarelle  :  Five  or  six  countrymen  and 
women,  seeing  me  pass,  asked  my  advice 
on  different  maladies. 

Don  Juan :  Of  course  you  answered 
that  you  did  not  know  their  diseases? 

Sganarelle:  I?  Not  at  all.  I  wished 
to  sustain  the  honor  of  the  profession's 
garb.  I  reasoned  in  regard  to  their  various 
affections,  and  prescribed  for  each  one  of 
them. 

Don  Juan :  What  remedies  did  you 
give  them  ? 

Sganarelle :  My  dear  sir,  I  prescribed 
the  first  thing  I  thought  of;  I  picked  my 
remedies  at  random,  and  it  would  be  very 
amusing  should  I  chance  to  cure  them 
and  they  should  come  to  thank  me  for  my 
skill. 

Don  Juan :  Why  not  ?  Why  should 
you  not  have  the  same  rights  as  others 
who  profess  medical  knowledge  ?  Doctors 
can  cure  no  better  than  you;  and  their 
art  is  pure  humbug.  Glory  comes  to  them 
with  each  happy  success,  and  you  can 
profit,  like  they  do,  with  each  patient's 
good  fortune ;  besides,  they  will  give  your 
remedies  credit  for  what  is  done  by  chance 
and  the  forces  of  Nature. 

Sganarelle :  Sir,  methinks  you  are  a 
sceptic  in  regard  to  medicine. 

Don  Juan :  'Tis  one  of  the  great  errors 
of  mankind. 

Sganarelle:  Have  you,  then,  no  belief 
in  senna,  cassia  or  antimonial  wine  ? 

Witkowski.  The  above  is  a  very  incomplete  and 
unsatisfactory  rendering,  and  is  only  included  as 
an  extract. 


Don  Juan :  Why  should  I  believe  in 
them  ?  (') 

Sganarelle:  You  are  too  sceptical.  Yet, 
you  see  that  for  some  time  past  antimonial 
wine  has  made  a  noise  in  the  medical 
world ;  the  miracles  wrought  by  this  rem- 
edy have  converted  the  most  incredulous 


I  Antimonial  wine  lighted  up  the  flames  of 
professional  war  among  the  doctors  of  that  epoch. 
Guy  Patin  played  upon  the  different  names  of  this 
medicine,  and  it  was  sometimes  called  heretique, 
on  account  of  the  schisms  its  use  produced  among 
physicians.  It  was  likewise  designated  stibial,  or 
stygial,  a  purveyor  for  the  Styx.  Many  violent 
epigrams  were  directed  against  this  dangerous 
remedy  ;  one  of  the  most  brilliant  of  these  was 
that  made  in  answer  to  the  "  Antimony  Triumph- 
ant "  of  Eusebius  Renaudot,  i.e.: 

De  I'antimoine  il  faut  chanter  la  gloire  ! 
II  pent  monter,  das  un  char  de  victoire 
Au  Capitole  avec  des  chevaux  blancs. 
Applaudissez,  histrions,  charlatans  ; 
Et  d'une  drogue  enflez  encore  vos  lis'es  ! 
Heros,  jamais,  eut-il  plus  de  lauriers, 
S'il  ne  s'agit  pour  gagner  une  page 
Dans  les  recits  qui  passent  d'age  en  age, 
Que  de  tuer  les  hommes  par  milliers. 

This  inscription  recalls  the  Latin  one,  "Lib- 
erator patriae,"  addressed  to  the  physicians  who 
attended  Pope  Leo  X.  in  his  last  illness.  In  the 
same  manner  the  physician  Curtius  was  regarded 
as  having  caused  the  death  of  Pope  Clement  VIII. 
by  his  powerful  remedies,  and  was  described  as 
one  well  worthy  of  recompense  for  the  valuable 
public  service  thus  rendered. 

Curtius  occidit  Clementem,  Curtius  auro 
Donandus,  per  quern  publica  parta  salus. 

Or,  rendered  into  English,  "Curtius  has  killed 
Clement ;  a  reward  should  be  given  to  Curtius, 
for  he  has  saved  the  State." 

The  cure  of  Louis  XIV,  and  the  death  of  his 
Minister,  are  attributed,  rightfully  or  wrongfully, 
to  this  same  medicine,  and  led  it  to  be  said  that 
antimonial  wine  had  saved  France  on  two  occa- 
sions. 

Notwithstanding  the  success  obtained  by 
Valot,  that  ardent  partisan  of  tartar  emetic,  he 
was  the  butt  of  the  most  biting  sarcasm.     Guy 


102 


TJie  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


persons.  It  is  not  more  than  three  weeks 
since  that  I  witnessed  its  marvellous  effects. 

Don  Juan  :  Where  and  how  ? 

Sganarelle:  There  was  a  man  who  for 
six  days  was  in  mortal  agony.  They  knew 
not  what  further  remedies  to  prescribe  in 
the  case,  as  all  prescriptions  failed;  so 
they  finished  the  treatment  by  giving  an 
emetic. 

Don  Juan  :  He  recovered  ? 

Sganarelle:  No,  he  died. 

Don  Juan  :  The  effect  of  the  remedy  is 
admirable  ! 

Sganarelle :  How !  He  had  been  sick 
for  days  trying  to  die,  and  antimonial  wine 
relieved  him  promptly.  Certainly,  no 
medicine,  in  such  a  case,  could  be  more 
efficacious.  (') 

EXTRACTS    FROM    "  LOVE    IS    THE    BEST 
DOCTOR.  "(0 

Act  II. — Scene  i. 

Lizette :  What  will  you  do,  sir,  with 
four  doctors  ?  Is  not  one  sufficient  to  kill 
a  person  ? 

Patin  has  given  him  the  nickname  of  Gargan — tiia, 
because  he  accuses  him  of  killing,  with  his  much- 
vaunted  panacea,  one  of  the  Ministers  of  Finance, 
Gargan.  This  malicious  Guy  Patin  produces,  in 
his  "  Letters,"  an  epigram  against  Valot  on  the 
occasion  of  the  death  of  Henrietta,  Queen  of  Eng- 
land, i.e.: 

Henri  d'un  coup  de  baionnette 
Charles  finit  sur  un  billot  ; 

Et  maintenant  meurt  Henriette 
Par  r  ignorance  dc  Valot. 

1  This  piece  has  been  put  in  French  verses  by 
the  celebrated  Corneille,  in  1673. 

2  The  four  doctors  satirized  by  Moliere  in  this 
piece  were  the  principal  Court  physicians,  i.e., 
De  Fougerais,  Esprit,  Guenaut,  and  Dacquin. 
All  four  of  these  men  were  the  butt  of  sarcasms 
on  all  hands.  One  day  Guenaut  was  blocked  in 
his  carriage,  and  a  coachman,  recognizing   him, 


Sganarelle  :  Hold  your  tongue.  Miss  ! 
Four  counsellors  are  better  than  one. 

Lizette:  Cannot  your  daughter  die 
more  easily  without  the  assistance  of  these 
gentlemen  ? 

Sganarelle:  Do  you  think  doctors  kill 
people  ? 

Lizette  :  Without  doubt.  I  know  a  man 
who  proved  this — by  incontestible  reasons, 
too ;  he  maintained  that  one  should  never 
say  this  person  died  from  a  fever  or  from  a 
fluxion  of  the  lungs,  but  from  four  doctors 
and  two  apothecaries. (') 

Sganarelle :  Tut !  Do  not  offend  these 
gentlemen. 

Lizette ;  Goodness !  Sir,  our  cat  recov- 
ered from  a  leap  it  made  from  the  house- 
top to  the  street  below,  and  it  neither  ate 
nor  moved  a  foot  for  the  space  of  three 
days.  It  is  fortunate  there  are  no  cat 
doctors,  for  pussy  would  have  been  finished 
up  with  purgatives  and  bleedings. 

Sganarelle :  Shut  your  mouth,  I  say. 
What  impertinence  !     But  here  they  are. 

Lizette :  Look  out,  now,  and  you  will  be 
edified.  They  will  tell  you  your  daughter 
is  sick — in  Latin,  too. 

Scene  2. 

Sganarelle  :  Well,  gentlemen  ? 

Dr.  Tomes :  We  have  examined  the 
patient  sufficiently,  and  find  much  that  is 
impure  in  her. 

exclaimed,  "Let  this  doctor  pass  through,  it  is 
he  who  did  the  people  a  kindness  by  killing  the 
Cardinal !  "  Louis  XIV  himself  secretly  enjoyed 
and  encouraged  Moliere  to  lampoon  his  physi- 
cians, wholly  in  a  spirit  of  mischief,  however. 
Yet  we  know  the  King  once  remarked,  "  Physi- 
cians often  make  us  weep;  sometimes,  however, 
they  make  us  laugh." 

I  Imitation  of  the  epitaph  on  the  Emperor 
Adrian  :  Turba  medicorum  perii  —  I  died  of  too 
many  physicians. 


TJie  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


103 


Sganarelle :   My   daughter  impure,  sir  ! 

I)r.  Tomes :  I  desire  to  say  there  is 
much  impurity  and  corruption  in  her 
body. 

Sganarelle ;  Ah !  I  understand  more 
clearly. 

Dr.  Tomes :  But  we  are  now  going  to 
consult  together. 

Sganarelle  :  Lizette,  give  the  gentlemen 
chairs. 

Lizette  {to  Dr.  Tomes):  Ah,  sir,  are  you 
with  them  ? 

Sganarelle  {to  Lizette)  :  Do  you  know 
this  gentleman  ? 

Lizette:  I  saw  him  at  your  niece's  house 
only  the  other  day. 

Dr.  Tomes  :  How  is  her  coachman  ? 

Lizette  :  Better  off,  indeed.  He  is  dead. 

Dr,  Tomes  :  Dead  ? 

Lizette:  Yes,  dead. 

Dr.  Tomes :    That  cannot  be  possible. 

Lizette  :  I  know  not  whether  it  be  pos- 
sible or  not,  but  I  know  full  well  that  he  is 
dead. 

Dr.  Tomes:  He  cannot  be  dead,  no 
matter  what  you  say. 

Lizette:  I  tell  you  he  is  dead  and 
buried. 

Dr.  Tomes:  You  deceive  yourself, 
Miss. 

Lizette :  I  saw  him  die. 

Dr.  Tomes :  That  is  impossible,  for 
Hippocrates  says  that  that  kind  of  dis- 
eases only  terminate  at  the  end  of  the 
fourteenth  day,  or  at  the  twenty-fifth  day 
at  furthest ;  the  coachman  only  fell  ill  six 
days  smce. 

Lizette :  Hippocrates  may  say  what  he 
pleases,  but  I  tell  you  that  coachman  is 
dead. 

Sganarelle  :  Peace,  you  chatterer.  Let 
us  leave  these  men  to  their  consultation. 
Gentlemen,  I  beg  you  to  consult  very  care- 
fully in  my  daughter's  case. 


Scene  4.(') 

Sganarelle  :  Gentlemen,  my  daughter's 
oppression  increases.  I  beg  you  to  tell  me 
quickly  what  course  of  treatment  you  have 
decided  on.  Speak,  gentlemen,  I  beseech 
you  one  after  the  other.  Let  me  have 
your  opinions. 

Dr.  Tomes :  Sir,  we  have  consulted  re- 
garding your  daughter,  and  my  notion  is 
that  her  illness  proceeds  from  too  great 
heat  of  the  blood;  hence,  conclude  that 
bleeding  is  the  proper  remedy. 

Dr.  Desfonandres :  I  hold  that  her  mal- 
ady is  due  to  a  corruption  of  the  humors, 
caused  by  over-repletion,  and  hence  would 
advise  an  emetic. 

Dr.  Tomes :  But  I  insist  that  an  emetic 
would  kill  her ! 

Dr.  Desfonandres :  And  your  bleeding 
would  likewise  cause  her  death ! 

Dr.  Tojnes  :  And  you  are  considered  a 
learned  man  ! 

Dr.  Desfonandres :  Yes,  and  much 
more  learned  than  you  are.  I  could  loan 
you  brains  in  all  matters  of  medical  eru- 
dition. 

Dr.  Tomes :  You  remember  that  man 
you  slew  the  other  day  ? 

Dr.  Desfonandres :  I  suppose  you  too 
can  recall  the  woman  you  sent  to  the  other 
world  but  three  days  since  ? 

Dr.  Tomes  [to  Sganarelle] :  Sir,  I  have 
expressed  my  opmion. 

Dr.  Desfonandres ;  I  have  expressed 
my  thoughts  likewise. 

Dr.  Tomes:  If  your  daughter  is  not 
bled  immediately  she  will  die. 

Dr.  Desfonandres:  If  you  have  her 
bled  she  will  not  live  a  quarter  of  an  hour. 

Sganarelle  [aside] :    Which  one  of  these 

I  This  scene  is  the  exact  counterpart  of  the 
famous  consultation  that  occurred  at  Vincennes 
between  Guenaut  and  Valot. 


04 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


two  men  shall  I  believe,  and  what  can  I 
do  under  such  opposite  and  decided  opin- 
ions? \To  the  physicians.]  Gentlemen,  I 
implore  you  to  settle  my  mind  on  this  dif- 
ficult subject,  and  tell  me  what  you  think 
the  proper  treatment  for  my  daughter  ? 

Dr.  Macrotin :  Sir,  in  such  matters  it  is 
absolutely  necessary  to  proceed  with  cir- 
cumspection, lest  we  make  mistakes,  and, 
according  to  our  master  mind,  Hippocra- 
tes, thereby  engender  dangerous  conse- 
quences to  the  patient. 

Dr.  Bahis  [hastily] :  It  is  true ;  it  is 
needful  to  be  careful  in  all  that's  done. 
This  is  no  child's  play ;  and  when  errors 
are  committed  it  is  not  easy  to  repair  the 
injury  done.  Experi77ientum  periculosum. 
This  is  why  it  is  well  to  reason  first  so  that 
we  may  duly  consider  matters,  such  as 
temperament,  et  cetera,  and  examine  into 
the  causes  of  the  affection  before  applying 
remedies. 

Sganarelle :  One  of  these  two  last  speak- 
ers is  a  turtle ;  the  other  is  a  race  horse. 

Dr.  Macrotin ;  Yes,  sir,  to  come  down 
to  facts,  your  daughter  has  a  chronic  mal- 
ady, to  which  she  will  yield  unless  given 
relief.  The  symptoms  all  indicate  a  fuligi- 
nous and  mordicant  vapor  that  inflames 
the  membranes  of  her  brain.  Now,  this 
vaporous  exhalation  is  termed  in  Greek  at 
mos,  and  is  undoubtedly  caused  by  putrid 
humors,  which  are  tenacious  and  congluti- 
nous,  and  have  their  origin  in  the  lower 
belly. 

Dr.  Bahis :  And  as  these  humors  have 
been  engendered  by  a  long  fermentation 
of  time,  they  become  hardened  and  ac- 
quire a  malignity  which  causes  them  to 
float  upward  to  the  brain. 

Dr.  Macrotin :  It  is  necessary,  then,  to 
draw,  detach,  pull  out,  expel,  and  evacu- 
ate the  aforesaid  humors,  so  that  a  strong 
purgative  is  required.      Previous  to  this, 


however,  I  find  by  experience  that  it  is 
well  to  use  anodyne  remedies;  that  is  to 
say,  small  emollient  and  detersive  injec- 
tions, cooling  syrups  mixed  in  tisane. 

Dr.  Bahis :  After  this  we  may  come  to 
emetics  and  bleeding — they  seem  to  be  re- 
quired. 

Dr.  Macrotin :  'Tis  true  that  your 
daughter  may  die,  but  you  will  at  least 
have  the  consolation  of  knowing  that  she 
expired  according  to  medical  rules. 

Dr.  Bahis :  It  is  always  better  to  die 
according  to  rule  than  contrary  to  medical 
ordinances. 

Dr.  Macrotin  :  I  sincerely  say  that  is 
my  opinion.  Sir. 

Dr.  Bahis  :  I  have  spoken  to  you  as 
plainly  as  I  would  to  my  own  brother. 

Sganarelle  \ivith  emotion] :  Gentlemen,  I 
sincerely  thank  you  for  the  pains  you  have 
taken  to  consult  properly.  [Aside.]  I  am 
more  uncertain  than  ever.  The  D — 1 !  but 
an  idea  possesses  me.  I  will  make  her 
take  Orvietan ;  it  is  a  quack  remedy,  but 
Orvietan  is  an  agent  that  many  men  have 
used  with  benefit. 

EXTRACTS    FROM   **A    DOCTOR    IN    SPITE 
OF    HIMSELF." 

Act  III.     Scene  i. 

Sganarelle  [rising  hurriedly] :  You  do  not 
understand  Latin  ? 

Geronte :   No. 

Sganarelle  [finding  himself  dealing  with 
one  ignorant  of  the  tongue] :  Cabricias  avis 
thuram,  catalamus,  singulariter,  nominativo, 
haec  musa,  bonus,  bona  bonum.  Deus 
Sanctus,  estne  oratio  Latinas  ? 

Geronte  [overpowered  by  the  display  of 
erudition] :    Ah  !  I  never  studied  it. 

Jacqueline :    Ah  !  he  is  a  skilful  man. 

Lucas  :  Yes ;  his  words  are  beautiful 
and  to  my  taste. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


105 


Sganarelle  :  Now  these  vapors,  of  which 
I  have  spoken,  pass  from  the  left  side 
where  the  liver  lies  to  the  right  side  where 
the  heart  is  always  found.  It  is  found  in 
the  lung,  which  we  call  in  Latin  armyan^ 
and  communicates  with  the  brain,  which 
we  call  in  the  Greek  nasmus,  by  means  of 
the  vena  cava,  which  is  called  in  Hebrew 
cubile.  These  vapors  fill  the  ventricle  of 
the  scapula,  and  you  may  from  thence 
perceive  they  arc  very  malignant.  Listen, 
now,  carefully. 

Geronte  :  We  will  indeed ! 

Sganarelle  :  They  have  a  certain  malig- 
nity which  is  caused —  Be  attentive  now, 
if  you  please. 

Geronte  :  We  are  all  attention  ! 

Sganarelle  :  Which  is  caused  by  the  ac- 
cretion of  humors  engendered  in  the  con- 
cavity of  the  diaphragm,  hence  these 
vapors.  Ossandus  fuqueis,  patarinum, 
quipsa  milus.  Now  I  have  told  you  the 
reason  your  daughter  is  dumb. 

Jacqueline  :  Ah  !  that  is  beautifully  and 
clearly  told. 

EXTRACTS  FRON  MONSIEUR  POUR- 
CEAUGNAC. 

Act  I.     Scene  8. 

Peasant  [to  Doctor] :  Sir,  he  can  stand 
no  more;  he  says  he  feels  the  greatest 
pain  in  the  world  in  his  head. 

Doctor:  The  patient  is  a  fool,  for  in 
the  disease  from  which  he  suffers  he  can 
have  no  pain  in  his  head,  according  to 
Galen,  but  it  is  his  spleen  that  troubles 
him. 

Peasant:  Be  that  as  it  may,  he  has 
run  off  from  the  belly  for  six  months. 

Doctor :  Good !  That  is  a  sign  that 
what  is  within  is  coming  out.  I  will  go 
and  visit  him  in  two  or  three  days ;  but  if 
he  dies  before  that  time  do  not  forget  to 


inform  me,  for  it  is  not  good  manners  to 
have  a  physician  visit  the  dead. 

Patienfs  Daughter  \to  Doctor] :  My 
father,  sir,  has  always  been  more  or  less 
delicate. 

Doctor:  That's  not  my  fault.  I  have 
given  him  all  manner  of  remedies,  why  is 
he  not  well?  How  many  times  has  he 
been  bled  lately  ? 

The  Daughter:  Fifteen  times,  sir,  in 
twenty  days. 

Doctor:    What,  bled  fifteen  times ? 

The  Daughter :   Yes,  sir. 

Doctor:  And  not  yet  cured  ? 

The  Daughter ;  No,  sir. 

Doctor :  That's  a  sure  sign  the  disease 
is  not  in  his  blood.  We  must  purge  him 
fifteen  times  to  see  whether  it  be  in  the 
humors. 

EXTRACTS    FROM    LE    MALADE 
IMAGINAIRE. 

Scene  9. 

Argan :  I  pray  you  to  tell  me,  sir,  how 
I  am. 

Diafoirus  \  feeling  his  pulse]:  Ah! 
Thomas,  take  his  other  arm.  Let  us  see 
what  our  united  judgment  is  on  his  pulse. 
Quid  dicis? 

Thomas  Diafoirus :  Dico  that  the  pulse 
of  this  gentleman  is  the  pulse  of  a  man 
who  is  not  well.     It  is  a  hard  old  pulse. 

Diafoirus :   That's  true,  my  dear. 

Thomas  Diafoirus:    Elastic. 

Diafoirus :   Bene. 

Thomas  Diafoirus :  And  a  little  capri- 
cious. 

Diafoirus :    Optime. 

Thomas  Diafoirus:  This  indicates  a 
disorder  of  the  parenchyma  of  the  spleen. 

Diafoirus :   Good  for  you  ! 

Argan  :  No.  Doctor  Purgon  says  that 
it  is  my  liver  that  is  affected. 


io6 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


Diafoirus :  Yes,  that's  what  pafenchytne 
means,  either  the  one  or  the  other,  either 
the  liver  or  the  spleen,  by  reason  of  the 
close  sympathy,  Ta  breve^  and  often  of  the 
meatus  cholodochus  and  pylorus.  He  ordered 
you,  doubtless,  to  eat  roast  meat. 

Argan :  He  ordered  me  to  take  no  food 
that  was  not  boiled. 

Diafoirus :  Of  course.  Roasted  and 
boiled  are  the  same  thing. 

Argan:  Doctor,  how  many  grains  of 
salt  shall  I  put  to  each  boiled  egg  ? 

Diafoirus :  Six,  eight,  ten,  or  more,  in 
even  numbers,  however,  as  in  medicine  we 
go  by  even  numbers. 

Argan:   Thanks,  Doctor.     Call  again. 

Scene  14. 

Toinette  [in  garb  of  a  physician\ :  Who 
is  your  doctor? 

Argan :   Doctor  Purgon. 

Toinette :  I  do  not  find  his  name  among 
the  list  of  more  celebrated  physicians. 
What  did  he  say  ailed  you  ? 

Argan :  He  said  it  was  my  liver ;  other 
physicians  called  in  tell  me  it  is  my  spleen^ 

Toinette  ;  They  are  all  ignoramuses :  it 
is  your  lung  that  is  affected. 

Argan :    My  lungs? 

Toinette:  Yes,  your  lungs.  How  do 
you  feel? 

Argan :  I  have  pain  in  the  head  from 
time  to  time. 

Toinette:  Of  course;  that's  from  your 
lungs. 

Argan  :  I  have  pain  in  my  heart  some- 
times. 

Toinette :   Yes.    That's  from  your  lungs. 

Argan  :  I  have  numbness  in  my  limbs 
sometimes. 

Toinette :  Most  assuredly.  That's  from 
your  lungs. 

Argan :  At  some  hours  I  have  belly- 
ache. 


Toinette  :  Certainly  !  That's  your  lungs. 
Do  you  not  have  an  appetite  ? 

Argan :  Yes. 

Toinette  :  There  it  is  again — all  caused 
by  your  lungs.  Do  you  drink  a  little  wine 
now  and  then  ? 

Argan :  Yes,  Doctor. 

Toinette :  The  lungs  to  blame  again.  I 
suppose  you  sleep  a  little  after  each  meal, 
and  feel  all  the  better  for  the  slumber  ? 

Argan :   Yes,  Doctor. 

Toinette :  The  lungs,  the  lungs.  You 
could  not  do  thus  without  lungs.  What 
has  your  physician  ordered  you  as  a  diet  ? 

Argan  :    He  ordered  me  to  take  soup. 

Toinette  :  He  is  an  ass ! 

Argan :  Poultry. 

Toinette  :   He  is  a  fool ! 

Argan  :   He  said  to  eat  veal. 

Toinette :    He  is  a  scoundrel ! 

Argan  :   He  told  me  to  take  fresh  eggs. 

Toinette :    He  is  a  perfect  ignoramus. 

Argan :  At  night,  he  recommended  me 
to  eat  stewed  prunes  to  keep  my  bowels 
open. 

Toinette :   Ah,  the  rascal ! 

Argan  :  Also,  to  take  my  wine  well 
diluted. 

Toinette:  Ignorantus,  ignoranta,  ignoran- 
turn.  Take  your  wine  strong  and  pure.  It 
will  thicken  your  blood,  which  is  weak. 
Eat  good  fat  beef,  hog  meat,  old  cheese 
from  Holland.  Your  physician  is  a  knav- 
ish beast.  Come  into  my  hands  for  treat- 
ment. 

Argan :  I  should  feel  under  obliga- 
tions. Doctor,  if  you  will  but  take  my  case 
in  charge. 

EXTRACTS  FROM   "THE  FLYING  DOCTOR." 

Scene  4. 

Gorgibus  [father  of  Lucille\\  I  am  your 
most  obedient,  Doctor.     I  was  sent  to  re- 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctoi^s. 


107 


quest  you  to  visit  my  daughter,  who  is  ill. 
I  put  every  hope  in  you,  sir. 

Sganarelle  :  Hippocrates  says,  and 
Galen  for  the  same  reason  concludes,  that 
no  one  feels  well  when  he  is  sick.  You 
are  right  to  place  your  hope  in  me,  for  I 
am  the  ablest,  greatest,  and  most  skilful 
physician  there  is  in  the  vegetable,  mine- 
ral, or  animal  Faculty. 

Gorgibus  :  I  am  charmed  with  you,  sir. 

Sganarelle :  Do  not  deem  me  an  ordi- 
nary physician,  sir;  a  common  practitioner 
I  am  not.  All  other  doctors  are,  to  my 
mind,  only  medical  abortions.  I  have  my 
own  particular  talents.  I  have  secret 
remedies.     Per  omnia  s(zcula  sceculorum. 

Sabina  {cousin  to  Lucille) :  But,  sir,  it  is 
not  this  man  who  is  sick ;  it  is  his  daugh- 
ter. 

Sganarelle :  That  makes  no  difference. 
The  blood  of*  father  and  daughter  is  the 
same  thing,  and  by  the  alteration  of  that  of 
the  father  I  shall  know  that  of  the  child. 
Mr.  Gorgibus,  can  I  examine  her  urine? 

Gorgibus  (to  Sabina) :  Go  quickly  and 
fetch  some  of  my  fair  daughter's  urine. 
Ah  !  Doctor,  I  fear  she  will  die. 

Sganarelle:  I  will  take  good  medical 
care  of  her,  sir  ;  but  she  might  die  without 
a  physician  prescribed — [Sabina  returns] 
Ah  !  here  it  is.  Really,  this  urine,  from 
its  appearance,  denotes  inflammation  of 
the  intestines,  and  she  must  be  really  ill. 

Gorgibus  (indignant) ;  What,  Doctor !  Do 
you  taste  it  ? 

Sganarelle:  Be  not  astonished  at  that; 
ordinary  physicians  are  content  to  look  at 
the  virgin  fluid,  but  I  am  a  true  doctor, 
one  outside  the  common  horde.  I  swallow 
some  of  this  amber  liquid,  so  that  by  my 
keen  taste  I  may  discern  the  cause  and 
remedy  for  your  daughter's  malady ;  but, 
to  tell  the  truth,  her  urine  is  too  scanty  in 
amount  to  pass  full  judgment  on  her  case. 


I  would  therefore  desire  more  of  her 
water. 

(Sabina  leaves  the  room  but  presently 
returns  with  more  urine.) 

Sabina :  I  had  great  trouble  making  her 
void  more  water, 

Sganarelle :  What's  that  ?  Here's  a 
scanty  supply.  If  all  my  patients,  sir, 
passed  their  water  in  the  stingy  way  of 
your  daughter,  I  would  be  a  doctor  for 
many  years  to  come. 

Sabifia  (to  the  father) ;  Lucille  says  she 
can  pass  no  more  urine,  no  matter  what 
the  doctor  says. 

Sganarelle :  Sir,  your  daughter  urinates 
only  in  drops.  She's  a  poor  waterer  certes. 
I  see  I  must  order  her  a  strong  diuretic. 
Can  I  now  see  the  patient  ? 

Sabina:  She  has  risen  from  her  bed 
and  dressed.  You  may  enter  her  room  if 
you  desire. 

EPIGRAM    ON    THE    DEATH    OF    MOLIERE. 

Quoi !    c'est  done  le  pauvre  Moliere 
Qu'on  porte  dans  la  cimetiere, 

S'  ecrierent  quelque  voisins  ! 
Non,  dit  certain  Apoticaire, 
C'est  le  malade  imaginaire 

Qui  veut  railler  les  Medecins. 

EPITAPH    ON    MOLIERE. 

Here  lies  one  who  knew  the  art  of  creating  laugh- 
ter 

At  the  expense  of  the  whole  world. 

He  seasoned  his  verses  with  the  pungent  salt  of 
satire. 

His  style  was  agreeable  and  never  dull. 

He  played  for  the  healthy  and  the  sick,  young 
and  old ; 

Men  and  women,  the  easily  pleased  and  over- 
critical, 

Gentlemen  and  commoners,  marquis  and  peasant. 

Were  the  subject  of  his  many  comedies. 

Happy  had  it  been  for  him  had  he  not  attacked 
doctors ; 

These  latter  hypocrites  bear  him  eternal  hatred, 

Permitting  him  to  descend  to  the  tomb  without 
assistance. 


io8 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors, 


They  are  doctors  without  remedies, 
Bigots  without  even  a  sacrament. 

EPIGRAM. 

Contre  Moliere,  un  Medecin, 
Ayant  fait  un  mauvais  dessein, 

Avec  un  pere  a  Pater-notre. 
Tous  deux  r  attendoient  a  sa  fin  ; 
Mais  Moliere  fut  le  plus  fin, 

Et  se  passa  de  1'  un  et  1'  autre. 

*  >}.  * 

PASCAL    (French  philosopher,  1623  to 
1662). 

PENSEES. 

If  doctors  wore  not  cassocks  and  had 
no  mules,  they  would  not  have  duped  the 
world,  which  was  never  able  to  resist  this 
parade. 

If  magistrates  had  true  justice,  if  doc- 
tors had  true  art  in  curing,  the  majesty  of 
the  science  of  law  and  medicine  would  be 
vmdicated.  But,  as  they  have  only  imag- 
inary sciences,  it  is  necessary  for  them  to 
use  instruments  that  appeal  to  those  imag- 
inations with  which  they  have  to  deal ;  it 
is  by  doing  this  that  they  induce  respect. 

*  *  * 
PELLISSON  (1624  to  1693). 

EPIGRAM. 

D'un  ennemi  voulez  vous  vous  defaire 
Ne  cherchez  point  d'  assassins. 
Donnez  lui  deux  Medecins, 

Et  qu'ils  soient  d'avis  contraire. 

*  *  =^ 

TABARIN  (lyth  century). 
Questiofis. 

THE    PATIENT,  THE    DOCTOR    AND    HIS 
MULE. 

Tabarin :  My  dear  master,  I  could  not 
help  admiring  the  doctor  who  came  to  see 
your  sick  father  yesterday,  he  was  so  digni- 


fied, so  distinguished-looking,  as  he  descen- 
ded from  his  mule  in  front  of  your  door. 

The  Master :  What,  Tabarin  !  You  as- 
tonish me  by  such  remarks.  Why  should 
you  admire  his  appearance  in  dismounting 
from  his  mule  ?  Would  you  rather  the 
mule  attend  the  patient  ? 

Tabarin :  Well,  perhaps  the  mule  is  more 
worthy  of  admiration  than  the  doctor. 

The  Master:  Oh,  you  stupid  !  Don't 
you  see  that  there  is  nothing  strange  in  a 
physician  visiting  a  patient  on  a  mule  and 
leaving  the  animal  outside  at  the  door  ? 

Tabarin:  I  find,  by  reasoning,  that  it 
would  be  better  for  the  patient  to  be  visited 
by  the  mule  than  the  doctor.  Let  me  ask 
why  the  doctor  goes  to  see  the  patient  ? 

The  Master:  The  doctor  is  a  man  of 
science ;  he  has  skill  wherewith  to  remove 
the  disease ;  he  gives  proper  remedies  to 
rertore  health,  and  by  the  compositions  he 
makes  he  re-enforces  Nature  and  cures  the 
malady. 

Tabarin :  Speaking  in  this  fashion,  you 
defend  my  side  of  the  question,  for  I  draw 
from  you  an  infallible  argument  that  it 
would  be  better  for  the  mule  to  visit  the 
patient  than  the  doctor.  Is  it  not  a  pity 
that  one  beast  should  stand  at  the  door  in 
the  cold  while  the  other  warms  himself  in- 
side at  the  fireplace  and  cheers  his  entrails 
with  a  good  glass  of  wine  ?  The  reason 
that  you  give  to  support  your  idea  is  that 
the  physician  sees  the  patient  because  that 
he  carries  the  science ;  as  for  me,  I  insist 
that  the  mule  should  visit  the  patient,  inas- 
much as  he  carries  the  science,  medical 
doctrine  and  physician  all  together. 


X. 


WHO    ARE    THOSE   WHO    MOCK    DOCTORS 
AND    APOTHECARIES  ? 


Tabarin :  Who  are  those  who,  to  your 
mind,  mock  physicians  and  apothecaries 
most? 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


109 


The  Master :  Those  are  the  ignorant, 
who  have  no  faith  and  rail  at  doctors'  pre- 
scriptions ;  people  who  ignore  the  fact  that 
medicine  is  a  Divine  art  from  Heaven, 
which  restores  Nature  to  its  perfection, 
medicine  is  the  science  of  all  natural 
sciences,  and  badly  understood  by  those 
who  scoff  at  its  miracles.  Attissimus  de 
ca'lo  creavit  medicinam  et  vir  prudens  non  ab 
horrerit  earn. 

Tabarin:  I  said  lately  to  a  sewing  girl 
who  made  stockings  for  me,  Homo  et  vir 
prudens  non  ab  horrerit  eum. 

The  Master :  By  the  Powers  that  be  ! 
I  hold  that  those  who  contemn  doctors  are 
ignoramuses. 

Tabarin :  You  deceive  yourself,  for 
those  who  mock  doctors  are  those  who 
themselves  need  medical  aid ;  they  are  the 
sick. 

The  Master :  The  sick,  Tabarin  ?  How 
can  a  patient  mock  a  physician,  seeing 
that  he  asks  his  kindly  assistance  ? 

Tabarin :  Is  it  not  a  mockery  when 
these  medical  asses  make  you  stick  your 
tongue  out  half  a  foot  for  the  benefit  of 
those  who  come  to  see  that  organ  ? 

XI.      WHO  ARE  THE  BEST  DOCTORS. 

Tabarin  :    My  dear  master  ! 

The  Master :   What  is  it,  Tabarin  ? 

Tabarin :  Only  a  word,  if  you  please. 
I  have  heard  it  said  that  you  are  a  perfect 
judge  of  healthy  faeces. 

The  Master:  Medicine  is  the  best 
judge,  you  big  ass. 

Tabarin:  You  seem  to  be  a  perfect 
doctor,  then. 

The  Master :  In  truth,  since  my  youth 
I  have  always  judged  t'lat  such  a  science 
would  be  useful  to  mankind.  However,  I 
do  not  claim  superiority  as  an  expert.  I 
arrived  at  this  knowledge  as  much  by  con- 
stant practice  as  by  speculations;  and  now- 


adays a  man  is  always  praised  for  having 
employed  his  time  in  the  serious  study  of  a 
specialty,  and  thus  contributes  a  little  of 
his  nature  to  an  investigation  that  may 
prove  profitable. 

Tabarin  :  It  is  not  necessary  to  spend 
all  your  youth  in  this  particular  branch  of 
medicine.  To  study  the  quahty  of  healthy 
faeces  it  is  necessary  to  frapper  a  ma  porte 
dcrriere. 

The  Master :  Oh,  you  impertinent  fel- 
low !  Do  you  mean  to  assert  I  must  taste 
something  to  obtain  knowledge  ? 

Tabarin  :  By  the  death  of  my  life !  you 
will  find  I  entertain  such  a  sentiment.  But 
tell  me  truly,  I  pray  you,  who  are  the  best 
physicians,  and  how  do  they  distinguish 
diseases  ? 

The  Master:  The  best  doctors  are 
those  who  have  a  perfect  knowledge  of  the 
nature  of  things,  men  who  know  qualities, 
passions,  properties,  compositions,  tem- 
peraments, complexions,  and,  reflecting  on 
all  their  knowledge  of  these  things,  have  a 
proper  judgment  on  all  matters  relating  to 
health.  And  although  those  who  have  the 
theory  may  be  very  good,  it  is  those  who 
join  theory  with  long  practice  that  are  the 
best;  because  they  have  more  perfect 
notions  of  illness  and  accidents  and  those 
remedies  that  alleviate  or  cure  them,  tor 
the  whole  vital  essence  of  medicine  con- 
sists in  experience. 

Tabarin  :  But  I  desire  to  know  from 
you  how  to  tell  a  disease  from  a  sick 
man? 

The  Master :  We  know  that  when  we 
make  a  professional  visit.  We  feel  the 
pulse,  ask  what  part  of  the  body  has  pain, 
we  look  at  the  patient's  color,  and  analyze 
his  urine ;  we  demand  if  he  has  an  appe- 
tite, and  make  other  queries. 

Tabarin  :  Zounds  !  Truly  when  the  pa- 
tient tells  you  his  illness  it  is  easy  for  you  to 


lO 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


know  where  the  disease  exists.  But  I  can 
teach  you  a  secret :  Know,  the  very  best 
doctors  are  the  wine  makers. 

The  Master :  The  wine  makers  ?  Give 
me  a  proof  of  this  ! 

Tabarin  :  When  a  wine  maker  goes  to 
visit  a  cask  of  his  wine,  he  does  not  ask  it 
whether  it  is  white  or  red,  he  does  not  say, 
''Do  you  feel  badly?  Are  you  sour?" 
etc.  He  only  knows  the  malady  of  the 
wine  by  its  interior  properties.  He  opens 
the  bunghole  of  the  cask,  he  puts  his  nose 
into  the  opening  and  smells;  he  strikes  the 
belly  of  the  cask  with  his  fist  and  the 
vapors  are  exhaled.  Thus  he  knows 
whether  the  wine  be  good  or  bad,  sick  or 
well.  The  same  thing  should  be  done 
when  you  go  to  visit  a  sick  person.  You 
should  not  question  and  discourse  over 
much,  but  should  stand  your  patient  up- 
right, and  by  putting  your  head  beneath 
his  thighs  you  can  get  your  nose  closer  to 
the  fundament,  when  by  pounding  the  pa- 
tient on  the  bare  belly  you  may  secure 
those  gaseous,  fragrant,  and  delicious  in- 
testinal odors,  by  which  method  you  can 
best  judge  of  the  disease  lodged  within, 
after  having  smelled  with  all  due  pro- 
fessional care.  That's  the  true  man- 
ner of  studying  disease  and  being  a  good 
doctor. 

The  Master :    You  are  a  great  ass  ? 

Tabarin :  Or  a  sheeps'  skin  for  a  di- 
ploma. 

IX.       WHEN    DOCTORS    ARE    DECEIVED. 

Tabarin :  My  Master,  since  you  are  a 
professor  of  the  medical  sciences,  do  you 
know  when  doctors  are  deceived  and  fail 
greatly  in  their  recipes  ? 

The  Master :  Physicians  are  sometimes 
deceived,  Tabarin  ;  for  as  we  are  all  com- 
posed of  different  temperaments,  so  is  it 
very   difficult  to  recognize  them ;  for  that 


which  is  in  the  interior,  although  it  may 
give  outward  signs,  and  have  concealment 
for  the  appearances  withm,  yet  often  little 
experience  leads  one  to  uncertainty  in  judg- 
ment by  trusting  in  superficial  indications. 
There,  for  instance,  is  the  hot  tempera- 
ment, to  which  a  doctor,  applying  drying 
and  heating  remedies  to  prevent  the  spread 
of  the  malady,  may  really  augment  the 
difficulty  and  pain.  Another  patient  may 
have  a  cold  temperament  within,  which  ex- 
teriorly may  indicate  warmth,  so  that  a 
practitioner  is  really  never  absolutely  cer- 
tain. A  long  experience  in  medicine  must 
serve  to  best  aid  one's  judgment  before  a 
patient  can  be  prescribed  for  safely; 
reason  is  based  on  a  large  number  of  simi- 
lar cases  observed  in  practice.  I  believe, 
for  my  part,  that  we  sometimes  meet  dis- 
eases where  physicians  are  often  deceived, 
especially  in  hot  and  acute  maladies,  for  in 
such  the  reason  is  so  much  upset  by  the 
acuteness  of  the  affection  that  it  cannot  be 
calmly  used,  for  reason  is  a  necessary 
thing  to  exercise  in  order  to  prevent  acci- 
dents. Time  and  meditation  are  real  ad- 
juncts for  the  healing  art ;  and  this  leisure 
in  prescribing  cannot  always  be  practiced 
in  acute  cases  where  the  disease  will  not 
permit  us  to  delay  medication. 

Tabarin :  You  are  a  fine  doctor ;  you 
are  wise  and  well  posted.  It  is  not  hot 
maladies  where  physicians  are  most  often 
deceived  ordinarily,  but  when  they  order 
an  active  purgative  to  cleanse  the  brain  of 
a  woman,  for  instance;  where  the  medi- 
cine seeks  the  brain  high  and  low,  to  ope- 
rate, and  finds  it  not.  This  is  the  abuse  of 
drugs,  my  Master. 

The  Master :  To  put  out  one's  tongue 
is  a  sign  of  derision. 

Tabarin  :  Yes.  When  a  doctor  visits  a 
patient  and  the  patient  sticks  out  his 
tongue  it  is  often  as  a  sign  of  mockery. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


The  Master:  And  what  about  the 
apothecary  ? 

Tabarifi :  The  apothecary  has  an  ad- 
vantage ;  for,  if  he  comes  with  a  clyster  to 
a  patient  whom  he  visits,  the  patient  pre- 
sents him  his  rump,  which,  under  most 
noses,  is  very  indicative.  Are  not  all  these 
things  derisive  and  mocking  ? 

*  *  * 

MADAME    DE    SEVIGNE  (1626  to 
1696). 

Letters. 

LETTER    TO    M.   DE  POMPONNE. 

Nowefnbcr  24th,  1664. 
Madam  Fouquet  has  given  a  plaster  to 
the  Queen  that  has  cured  Her  Majesty  of 
her  convulsions,  (')  which  were,  properly 
speaking,  only  hysterical.  The  physicians 
in  the  case,  without  prescribing  a  plaster 
even,  refrained  from  expressing  an  opin- 
ion, and  made  their  visit  at  the  expense  of 
the  truth. 

LETTERS    TO    MADAM    DE    GRIGNAN. 

December  2d,  167 1. 
It  is  said  that  the  new  Madam  is  alto- 
gether astonished  at  her  greatness,  and 
they  will  now  ask  how  she  acts.  When 
she  was  presented  to  her  physician,  she 
said  she  was  perfectly  well  and  that  she 
had  never  been  bled,  purged  nor  vomited; 
that,  when  she  felt  unwell,  she  walked  two 


I  The  day  after  her  accouchement  Marie  The- 
resa had  a  convulsive  attack,  which  sadly  fright- 
ened her  attendants ;  but  the  rapidity  of  her 
recovery,  and  the  method  employed,  indicate  that 
the  so-called  spasm  was  simply  a  nervous  attack, 
and  that  a  glass  of  cold  water  thrown  in  the 
Queen's  face  revived  Her  Majesty  immediately. 
When  Marie  Theresa  was  first  presented  to  the 
Court  Physician  she  responded  :  "  'Wv^  first  is  well 
said,  for  so  far  in  my  life  I  have  not  needed  med- 
ical attendance." 


leagues  afoot  and  was  cured  :  Lascianio  la 
andar,  c  he  far  a  buon  viags^io.Q) 

December  2d,  1672. 
Hef)  has  been  copiously  and  rudely 
bled ;  he  objected  to  this  treatment  to  the 
last,  which  was  the  nth,  but  the  physi- 
cians insisted ;  he  told  them  that  if  they 
acted  towards  him  thus,  that  it  was  only  to 
kill  him  according  to  prescribed  rules. 

April  2 2d,  1672. 
That   little  Daquin    is  first    physician. 
'*  This  favor  hath  done  him  as  much  as  he 
merited."  0 

April  15th,  1676. 
My  face  has  not  changed.  It  is  because 
I  have  not  been  bled,  and  that  I  have  not 
been  cured  of  my  malady,  and  have  taken 
no  remedies. 

April  2 2d,  1676. 
I  only  hoped  for  the  cure  of  my  hands, 
shoulders  and  knees  at  Vichy,  as  my  poor 
nerves  have  been  rudely  attacked  by  rheu- 
matism; so  that  I  can  only  hope  to  go 
thither.  The  Abbot  Bayard  and  Saint 
Herem  have  attended  me;  I  have  told  you 
the  beauties  of  this  country  and  prome- 
nades, the  bracing  air,  that  have  brought 
me  to  Bourbon.  I  have  seen  the  most 
ignorant  persons  here,  who  advised  me  to 
take  different  remedies  for  my  hands,  and, 
to  satisfy  them,  I  have  used  some  ;  but  I 
am  best  contented  with  Vichy. 

April  24th,  1676. 
I   am   much   troubled  with  my  hands. 
They  did  not  wish  me  to  leave  before  the 

1   Let  us  go  and  make  a  good  journey  {pleasure 
trip). 

I  2  Charles  Philippe  Augustus  Adhemar  de 
j  Monteil,  one  of  the  brothers  of  M.  de  Grignan, 
i  who  was  attacked  by  small- pox  and  died. 

I         3  Verses  from  the  *'  Cid." 


112 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


I  St  of  May,  and  the  house  I  desired  has 
been  let;  Bourbon  is  the  place  now,  but  it 
is  a  conspiracy,  so  I  will  follow  the  treat- 
ment of  Vichy. 

May  6th,  1676. 
Madam  du  Gue,  the  nun,  is  going  to 
Chelles;  she  is  going  to  open  a  place  there 
with  all  kinds  of  conveniences ;  she  often 
changes  places,  so  that  a  young  fellow, 
Amonio,  who  is  physician  to  the  abbey, 
and  whom  I  yesterday  saw  at  Livry,  is  not 
obhged  to  remain.  My  dear  child,  he  is  a 
man  of  twenty-eight,  whose  face  is  as  beau- 
tiful as  an  angel's,  the  most  charming  I 
have  ever  seen.  He  has  a  garden  of  herbs 
at  the  convent,  but  he  only  appears  to  me 
to  be  a  ^'Lamponchio."Q) 

May  loth,  1676. 
You  have  then  been  obliged  to  undergo 
phlebotomy?  The  delicate  little  hand  of 
your  surgeon  made  me  tremble  as  you  did 
when  he  approached.  The  Prmce  once 
said  to  his  new  surgeon:  *'Do  you  not 
tremble  when  you  bleed  me  ?  "  And  the 
little  surgeon  answered:  ''Pardon,  sir,  it 
is  you  who  tremble ! "  and  he  told  the 
truth. 

August  26th,  1676. 
To  Vichy,  and  I  do  not  think  I  shall 
return  this  summer.  Vesou  said  to-day 
that  he  wished  it  were  immediately;  Lorme 
said  I  would  die  there,  that  I  had  then 
forgotten  that  I  am  only  on  fire  and  that 
my  rheumatism  was  come  from  heat.  I 
love  to  consult  them  all,  so  as  to  be  able  to 
mock  them.  Can  anything  be  more  pleas- 
ant than  such  a  variety  of  amusement  ? 

I  Mazet  de  Lamporechio,  in  "  Contes  de  la 
Fontaine,"  enters  a  convent  of  nuns  under  guise 
of  a  gardener. 

II  les  engea  de  petits  Mazillons, 
Desquels  on  fit  de  petits  moinillons. 


September  25th,  1676. 
Ah  !  what  can  I  say  of  these  doctors ! 
What  a  set  of  boasters  they  are  in  their  art ! 
I  was  told  yesterday  of  that  comedy  of 
"  Malade  Imaginaire,"  that  I  have  not  yet 
seen  acted ;  it  must  be  an  exact  imitation 
of  the  actions  of  these  medical  gentlemen  ; 
it  fits  their  case ;  it  is  seventeen  drops  of 
an  elixir  in  thirteen  spoonfuls  of  water — it 
there  be  fourteen  spoonfuls  the  patient  was 
lost.  He  takes  a  pill,  and  is  told  to  walk 
afterwards  about  his  chamber ;  but  he  is  in 
pain  and  rests  for  a  brief  space  of  time,  for 
he  has  forgotten  whether  he  must  prome- 
nade the  width  or  length  of  his  room.  Ah  ! 
this  made  me  laugh. 

September  25th,  1676. 
Beaujean  has  just  received  extreme 
unction,  and  will  not  live  through  the 
night.  In  truth,  it  is  a  terrible  disease ; 
but,  having  seen  the  manner  in  which  phy- 
sicians bleed  poor  persons,  and  knowing  I 
have  no  veins,  I  yesterday  declared  to  a 
gentleman,  who  came  to  see  me,  that  I  am 
in  danger  of  dying,  and  asked  him  to 
bring  m  Dr.  Sanguine.  (')  I  am  resolved 
on  this  course  of  action.  It  is  only  neces- 
sary to  see  these  gentlemen  in  order  to 
keep  them  from  having  one's  body ;  it  is  a 
back  blow  they  have  struck  and  killed 
Beaujean.  I  have  thought  of  Moliere 
twenty  times  since  I  saw  this.  I  hope, 
nevertheless,  that  the  poor  woman  will 
escape  all  their  bad  treatment.  (') 

November  ist,  1679. 
I  spoke  to  Duchesne  of  our  little  doc- 
tor, to  whom  our  neighborhood  has  given 
some  patients  to  kill,  in  order  to  see  how 


1  Dr.  Sanguin — play  on  words. 

2  "  An  emetic,"  says  she,  further  along  in  the 
letter,  "resuscitated  Beaujean,  for  she  was  really 
almost  dead. 


TJie  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


113 


he  would  perform  the  act.  He  would  have 
suffered  in  reputation  had  he  not  used  his 
privilege  of  *' slaying  with  impunity. "(') 
It  is  not  that  the  season  is  contrary  to  the 
doctors.  This  English  remedy,  ()  which 
will  be  very  soon  made  public,  will  make 
them  more  wicked  with  their  bleeding  and 
other  drugs. 

November  24th,  1679. 
What  pleasure  it  is  t6  hear  you  dis- 
course on  all  the  chapters  you  treat!  That 
on  medicine  fairly  ravishes  me.  I  am  per- 
suaded that  with  the  rare  intelligence  and 
facility  at  learning  that  God  has  given  you, 
that  you  can  know  more  than  the  doctors. 
Experience  may  be  lacking,  and  you  will 
not  kill  with  impunity  as  they  do ;  but  I 
should  be  more  proud  to  have  you  judge 
of  my  malady  than  to  have  them  in  attend- 
ance. It  is  true  that  it  is  only  a  question 
of  health  in  this  world.  ' '  How  are  you  ?  " 
'*  Are  you  well?"  and  they  entirely  ignore 
all  that  touches  the  science  that  is  so  nec- 
essary. Take  your  title ;  there  is  nothing 
in  the  science  save  to  put  on  a  red  robe  as 
in  the  comedy.     But  why  will  you  send  us 

1  Allusion  is  here  made  to  the  reception  of 
Argan  in  the  "  Malade  Imaginaire." 

2  The  Chevalier  Talbot,  an  English  physician 
who  first  introduced  cinchona  into  France.  After 
curing  the  Dauphin  (and  not  Louis  XIV,  as 
Maurice  Raynaud  has  said)  of  a  very  rebellious 
intermittent  fever,  the  King  purchased  his  secret 
for  48,000  livres.  The  following  verses  on  this 
subject  are  by  De  Bonnecamp  : 

Autrefois  un  Talbot,  ennemi  de  la  France, 

La  mit  presqu'  aux  abois  par  un  fer  inhumaine ; 

Un  Talbot  anjourdhui,  le  gobelet  en  main. 

Par  des  coups  plus  heureux  en  sauve  I'esperance. 

Malheur  a  Talbot  I'assassin  ! 

Vive  Talbot  le  Medecin ! 

The  Faculty  of  Medicine  did  not  partake  of 
this  enthusiasm,  and,  of  course,  condemned  the 
new  remedy.     "This  powder  of  kinikina,"  says 


your  jolly  doctor  ?  I  am  answered  that  the 
profession  is  much  deceived  and  held  in 
contempt  here ;  aside  from  three  or  four 
whom  you  know,  who  prescribe  the  Eng- 
lish remedy,  the  rest  of  the  medical  fra- 
ternity hold  it  in  holy  horror. 

February  9th,  1680. 

Brother  Ange  has  resuscitated  Mare- 
chal  Bellefond  and  entirely  cured  his  chest, 
which  was  to  him  an  object  of  despair. 
We  went  to  call,  Madam  De  Coulange  and 
I,  on  the  Grand  Duke,  whom  it  was 
thought  would  die  the  last  fifteen  days;  his 
gout  had  gone  upwards,  he  was  so  op- 
pressed in  his  lungs  that  every  breath 
seemed  his  last  sigh ;  he  had  cold  sweats 
and  was  unconscious;  he  was  as  sick  as  it 
was  possible  to  be.  The  physician  could 
do  nothing  for  him,  and  he  called  in 
Brother  Ange,  who  cured  him  with  the 
most  simple  and  pleasant  remedies.  His 
oppression  ceased,  the  gout  went  back  to 
his  legs  and  feet,  and  now  he  is  out  of 
danger. 

The  Englishman  has  promised,  on  the 
stake  of  his  head  to  the  King,  to  cure 
Monseigneur  in  four  days  of  his  fever ; 
and  I  really  believe  if  he  does  not  keep  his 
promise  he  will  be  thrown  out  of  the  win- 
dow ;  but  if  his  prophecies  come  as  true  as 
those  he  has  heretofore  made  to  all  the  pa- 
tients he  has  treated,  I  should  deem  him 
entitled  to  a  temple  equal  to  that  erected 
to  ^sculapius.  What  a  pity  Moliere  is 
dead,  as  he  would  make  a  marvelous  scene 
of  Daquin,  who  is  enraged  at  not  having 
an  equal  remedy,  and  all  the  other  physi- 
cians, who  are  overpowered  by  the  experi- 
ence and  success  and  divine  prophecies  of 


Guy  Patin  spitefully,  "has  no  credit  on  this  side 
of  the  water.  Fools  seek  it  because  it  is  very  ex- 
pensive^  but,  in  fact,  its  use  is  generally  ridiculed 
to-day." 


114 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


this  little  Englishman.  (')  The  King  made 
him  compound  his  remedy  before  him, 
and  confided  to  his  hands  the  health  of 
Monseigneur.  Madam  the  Dauphine  is 
already  better,  and  the  Count  De  Gram- 
mont  said  yesterday,  under  the  very  nose 
of  Daquin: 

Talbot  est  vainqueur  du  trepas, 
Daquin  ne  lui  resiste  pas; 
La  Dauphine  est  convalescente, 
Que  chacun  chante,  etc.(=) 

November  5  th,  1684. 
You  will  then  be  obliged  to  cure  your- 
self with  your  own  remedies;  this  third 
bleeding,  following  the  second  so  shortly, 
and  your  badly  prepared  remedies  are  re- 
sponsible. You  have  been  badly  treated, 
my  poor  girl,  in  all  fashions. 

December  13th,  1688. 
Be  not  distressed  on  account  of  the 
health  of  your  child;  neither  bleed  nor 
give  it  medicmes ;  nothing  at  all ;  a  good 
appetite,  sound  sleep,  vigor  in  fati'^ue; 
that  is  what  the  doctor  will  rob  it  of  if  he 
be  called  in  attendance. 

October  12th,  1689. 
The  Abbot  Bigorre  informs  me  that  M. 
de  Niel  fell,  the  other  day,  in  the  King's 
chamber  and  suffered  from  a  contusion. 
Felix f)  bled  him  and  cut  an  artery,  so  that 
an  immediate  capital  surgical  operation 
was  required.  What  do  you  think  of  this, 
Madam  de  Grignan  ?  I  do  not  know  of 
what  to  most  complain,  whether  it  should 
be  his  suffering  or  of  a  first  physician  of 


1  Dr.  Talbot. 

2  Parody  on  the  chorus  of  "  Alcestes,"  act  v, 
scene  1st. 

3  Felix  de  Tassy.  It  was  this  surgeon  who 
operated  on  the  King  for  fistula,  November  18th, 
1686. 


a  King  who  mistakes  arteries  for  veins. 
Madam  de  Sully  is  very  ill,  all  owing 
to  the  bad  methods  of  the  doctors.  She 
has  been  milked^  bled,  and  purged.  She  is 
not  reasonable  on  medical  points,  although 
she  will  listen  well  to  any  other  advice. 

TO    THE    COUNT    DE    BUSSY. 

There  have  been  continual  fetes,  ex- 
cept at  the  time  of  the  accouchment  of  the 
Dauphiness;  for  the  doctor,  not  being 
able  to  inflict  other  injury,  bled  her  at  the 
end  of  the  third  and  during  the  eighth 
month,  so  eager  are  they  to  always  be 
doing  some  mischief. 

REGNIER    DESMARAIS   (1632   to 
1713)- 

EPIGRAM. 

When  in  public,  more  than  elsewhere, 
a  physician  shines  brilliantly  and  knows 
how  to  recite  from  Hippocrates  and  Galen, 
I  believe  in  him.  But  when  he  professes 
to  be  more  expert  and  skilful  in  his  art 
than  others,  yet  fills  the  town  with  mourn- 
ers, I  do  not  believe  in  him. 

EPIGRAM. 

Believe  me,  my  Doris  most  charming, 

'Tis  best  that  your  doctors  should  vanish ; 

They're  assassins,  the  timid  alarming, 
For  them  all  credulity  banish. 

In  their  eloquence  is  deep  designing, 
Pay  no  heed  to  the  jargon  they  say, 

Unless  health  you  think  of  resigning  ; 
So  into  their  hands  never  play. 

In  vain  false  conjectures  e'er  making, 

By  judging  within  from  without ; 
All  light  and  real  knowledge  forsaking. 

Thus  involving  what's  certain  in  doubt. 

All  futile  their  efforts  at  reading 
I       What's  writ  on  humanity's  scroll ; 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


115 


Never,  even  to  Nature,  conceding 
That  the  body  is  ruled  by  the  soul. 

'Tis  true  they  display  a  great  learning 
When  the  vitals  by  Death  are  exposed — 

Post  mortems  the  real  truth  discerning. 

Poor  cadavers !   on  vv^hom  they've  imposed. 

The  blood  through  your  beautious  veins  creeping 

Was  never  intended  for  waste. 
Put  it  not  in  the  cruel  doctor's  keeping; 

Pray  ne'er  of  their  vile  senna  taste. 

Then  be  ever  trustful,  confiding 

To  that  Nature  that  gave  you  a  birth. 

The  more  you  keep  medicine  deriding 
The  longer  you'll  stay  on  this  earth. 


BOUDIER    RENE  (1634101723). 

EPIGRAM    ON    CHRISTOPHER    OZANNE, 
PHYSICIAN  OF  CHAUDRAY.  (') 

With  sweet  roots  and  herbs,  powdered  most  finely, 
Without   any  Latin,  but  knowledge  more  sure, 

A  rustic  /Esculapius  treats  all  ills  divinely, 
And,  even  the  evils  of  medicine(2)  doth  cure. 

ON    THE    SAME. 

Chris  Ozanne's  a  wonderful  fellow,  indeed  ! 

He  will   tell  you  regarding    the   ills   that   you 
feel; 

1  This  empiric,  who  lived  at  the  small  hamlet 
of  Chaudray,  enjoyed  a  wonderful  reputation  in 
his  time.  The  Abbot  of  Bordelon  devoted  a 
whole  volume  to  this  quack,  entitled  '*  Les  Mala- 
dies en  belle  humeur."  The  seventh  of  Borde- 
lon's  letters  contains  the  following  :  •'  When  you 
are  carried  to  Chaudray  sick  and  crippled,  you 
will  return  from  that  healing  fool  perfectly 
healthy.  It  is  Master  Christopher  treats  you 
there,  contrary  to  all  medical  rules,  and  you  there- 
fore are  sure  to  recover." 

2  Above  a  portrait  of  this  Ozanne,  painted  by 
the  celebrated  Audran,  are  the  following  verses : 

Sans  Grec,  ni  Latin,  ni  grands  mots, 
Avec  une  herbe,  une  racine, 
Ozanne  guerit  de  tous  maux 
Et  surtout  de  la  Medecine. 


Though  having  no  doctor's  diploma  to  bleed, 
And,  though  a  clod-hopper,  he  ever  doth  heal. 


BOILEAU  (163610  1711). 

A    BURLESQUE    DECISION. 

Viewed  by  the  Court,  the  request  pre- 
sented by  the  Regents,  Masters  in  Arts, 
Doctors  and  Professors  of  the  University, 
in  their  own  names  and  as  tutors  en  blanc 
of  Aristotle,  ancient  and  Royal  Professor 
of  Greek  in  the  College  of  Lycia  and  Pre- 
ceptor of  that  King  of  quarrelsome  mem- 
ory, Alexander  the  Great,  conqueror  of 
Europe,  Asia  and  Africa,  besides  sundry 
other  places  not  herein  enumerated,  we 
recognize  the  fact  that  an  unknown  party, 
called  Reason,  has  entered  by  force  the 
portals  of  the  aforesaid  University;  and, 
in  doing  this,  has  been  assisted  by  certain 
facetious  quidatns,  bearing  the  names  of 
Gassendentists,  Cartesians,  Malabranchists 
and  Pourchotists,  persons  without  foresight, 
who  conspire  to  expel  the  previously  men- 
tioned Aristotle,  former  ancient  and  peace- 
able possessor  of  the  aforesaid  School,  to 
which  end  these  and  their  consorts  have 
already  pubUshed  several  books,  treatises, 
dissertations  and  defamatory  articles,  citing 
the  above-mentioned  Aristotle  to  submit  to 
an  examination  before  them  on  his  doc- 
trines, which  will  be  in  direct  opposition  to 
all  the  laws  and  customs  of  the  previously 
mentioned  University  or  the  aforesaid 
Aristotle,  as  the  latter  has  always  been 
recognized  as  one  from  whose  judgment  no 
appeal  can  be  taken  and  one  not  to  be 
held  responsible  for  his  opinions;  these  per- 
sons have,  without  consultation,  changed 
and  created  innovations  in  the  natural 
order  things,  having  agreed  that  the  heart 
was  not  the  principal  nerve  centre,  as  the 
Grecian  author  has  decided  literally  and  at 


ii6 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


his  own  free  will ;  these  iconoclasts  have 
ceded  this  right  and  privilege  to  the  brain, 
and  afterwards,  by  a  procedure  made  in  all 
nullity,  have  attributed  to  the  aforesaid 
heart  the  mission  of  receiving,  among  other 
things,  the  chile,  which  before  had  be- 
longed to  the  liver,  so  that  the  blood 
charging  around  through  the  body  with 
full  power  may  circulate  with  impunity  by 
means  of  veins  and  arteries,  yet  having  no 
other  right  nor  title  to  perform  the  afore- 
said vexatious  actions.  (^) 


In  Florence  once  lived  a  doctor,  a 
learned  man  but  a  celebrated  assassin. 
For  a  long  period  of  time  he  had  caused 
the  public  great  misery ;  on  one  hand  an 
orphan  girl  asked  for  her  father,  on  the 
other  a  brother  wept  for  a  poisoned 
brother — one  died  empty  of  blood,  the 
other  expired  full  of  senna  ;  whenever  this 
doctor  appeared  in  the  presence  of  rheuma- 
tism that  disease  turned  to  pleurisy,  and  in 
his  hands  an  ordinary  headache  became  a 
frenzied  delirium.  He  finally  left  Florence, 
detested  by  all  its  inhabitants.  To  him 
only  one  friend  remained,  all  the  others 
having  died.  This  friend  was  a  wealthy 
abbot,  who  was  a  monomaniac  on  the  sub- 
ject of  architecture ;  the  doctor  at  once 
conceived  a  great  admiration  for  the  build- 

I  This  extract  from  a  long  and  not  very  inter- 
esting burlesque  will  suffice  for  the  average  Eng- 
lish reader.  "  This  curious  piece,"  says  Ray- 
naud, "  so  well  expressed  in  the  judicial  language 
of  that  epoch,  which  Boileau  has  so  well  utilized, 
had  almost  the  same  origin  as  the  '  Maladie  Im- 
aginaire.'  It  was  conceived  and  executed  with 
the  assistance  of  that  witty  physic'an,  Bernier, 
the  true  friend  of  Moliere,  and,  like  the  drama- 
tists, a  pupil  of  Gassendi."  At  the  present  day  a 
full  rendering  in  English  translation  would 
neither  entertain  nor  instruct,  hence  a  good  rea- 
son for  the  omission. 


ing  art.  On  the  roof  of  the  abbot's  house 
he  constructed  what  is  known  as  a  Man- 
sard ;  he  placed  vestibules  here  and  ap- 
proved of  stairways  there.  The  abbot 
called  in  a  mason,  who  agreed  with  all  the 
medical  architect's  plans.  The  medical 
assassin  now  left  the  doctor's  trade  forever ; 
he  renounced  drugs,  and  instead  could 
always  be  found  rule  and  compass  in  hand  ; 
leaving  to  Galen  the  suspected  science,  he 
became  a  good  architect.  His  example 
affords  all  bunglers  an  excellent  precept, 
for  to  young  doctors  we  may  say,  without 
fear  of  contradiction,  You  had  best  be  an 
architect  or  stone-mason  if  your  talent  lays 
that  way. 

LETTER  TO  THE    MARSHAL  DE  VIVONNE. 

You  must  know,  then,  Monsieur,  there 
is  a  doctor  at  Paris  named  P.,(0  a  great 
enemy  of  health  and  the  opponent  of  good 
sense ;  but,  in  recompense  for  this,  he  has 
a  great  friend  in  M.  Quinault.  A  move- 
ment of  pity  for  his  country,  or  rather  the 
small  gains  he  made  at  his  trade,  finally 
made  him  embrace  another  occupation. 
He  frequented  the  offices  of  Le  Vau  and 
Ratabon,(''')  and  finally  became  an  archi- 
tect, so  that  in  a  few  years  he  erected  more 
poor  buildings  than  as  a  doctor  he  had 
ruined  good  healths.  He  is  not  the  first 
physician  who  has  quitted  his  trade  for 
that  of  the  trowel  and  architecture,  f) 

LETTERS    TO    RACINE. 

Since  my  last  epistle  I  have  been  bled, 
purged,  etc.;  in  fact,  none  of  the  pretend- 


1  Claude  Perrault. 

2  Two  celebrated  architects. 

3  Louis  Savot,  physician  to  the  King,  died  at 
Paris  in  164O  ;  he  translated  the  works  of  Galen, 
and  afterwards  gave  up  the  profession  for  that  of 
architecture.  ' 


^ 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


117 


ed  formalities  have  been  omitted  prior  to 
taking  the  water.  The  medicine  I  have 
taken  to-day  will  do  me,  so  it  is  said,  a 
world  of  good ;  so  I  fell  down  four  or 
five  times  from  weakness,  and  I  am  in 
such  a  healthy  state  that  I  have  trouble 
in  living. 

The  waters  here  have  done  me  great 
good,  according  to  all  rules,  since  they  de- 
prive me  of  rest  and  drive  everything  out 
of  my  body,  except  the  disease  for  which 
I  am  taking  the  fluid.  Dr.  Bourdier,  my 
physician,  insists  that  my  voice  is  stronger 
than  when  I  arrived;  Bandiere,  my  apothe- 
cary, who  is  deaf,  pretends  the  same  thing; 
but  they  strive  to  flatter  me,  or  rather 
flatter  themselves,  etc. 

LINES    ON    ONE    OF    MY    COUSINS    WHO    DIED 
IN    A    charlatan's    HANDS.  (') 

(Sonnet.) 

Nursed  in  the  same  cradle  with  thee,  my  Orantes, 

And    no    less    by    heart    than    by    blood    close 

allied ; 

With    thee    my    dear   cousin,    my   sweetheart   in 

fancy, 

I  tasted  the  full  sweets  of  youth's  morning  tide. 

But  a  false  .^sculapius,  an  ignorant  creature, 
Has  torn  thee  away  by  his  failure  to  cure ; 

Farewell   the  bright  days  that    come    no    more, 
darling. 
Ah !  can  I  e'er  conquer  the  grief  I  endure? 

This  rude  blow  has  driven  the  tears  to  my  eyes, 
And  the  pen  in  my  hand   faint   expresses   my 
pain. 

Ah  !  cursed  be  this  doctor's  perfidious  act ! 
Is  the  sentence ;  I  write  it  again  and  again. 

For  fifteen  long  years,  love,  my  plaint  has  been 
heard ; 
In  the  ardor  of  vengeance  each  doctor  I  curse. 

I  "  This  sonnet  was  made  on  account  of  one  of 
my  nieces,  who  was  about  my  age,  and  the  char- 
latan was  a  famous  professor  of  the  Faculty." 
(Boileau  :  "Lettre  a  Broissette,"  1702.) 


Ah  !  the  barbarous  wretch  that  tore  thee  from  my 
arms 
Is  the  medical  demon  inspiring  this  verse. 

TO    MADAM    MANCHON,   HIS    SISTER. 

Bourbon,  fuly  31st,  1687. 
So  shall  I  regard,  in  the  future,  the 
mineral  waters  and  other  remedies  that  I 
swallowed  as  a  penance  imposed  rather 
than  agents  that  could  cure  my  corporeal 
failures.  Certain  it  is  that  it  is  better  to 
resign  one's  self  to  the  will  of  God  rather 
than  submit  to  this  medical  yoke,  which  is 
the  same  here  as  at  Paris,  except  as  to  the 
doctors,  who  are  more  attentive  to  their 
patients,  perhaps,  and  think  less  of  their 
maladies  during  the  time  of  their  visits. 

Epigram  XX. 

IMITATION   OF    MARTIAL. 

Paul,  the  great  doctor,  the  whole  city  alarmed ; 
His    treatment   far    worse    than    the    pestilence 

harmed. 
He's  a  sexton  now,  burying  men  in  the  ground ; 
As  skilful  at  this  trick  as  ever  he's  found. 

TO    A    M.   PERRAULT.(') 

Thine  uncle(2)  sayest  thou  hath  cured  me  of  my 

ill. 
The  proof  he's  not  my  doctor  is,  that  I'm  living 

still. 


BOURSAULTO   (1638  to  1701). 

LETTERS. 

You  have  done  me  the  honor  to  inform 
me  in  your  last  communication  that  you 
had  written  me  before  relative  to  the 
malady  of  Monsieur  Dupre,  and  I  now 
freely  avow  to  you  that  I  know  no  more 


Translator  of  Vitruvius  and  brother  to  the 


poet. 


2  Claude  Perrault,  the  architect-physician. 

3  See    the  '*  Medecin  Volant"  of   Boersault, 


ii8 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


about  his  case  than  I  have  already  written. 
I  have  so  often  hoped  for  his  perfect  con- 
valescence, yet  dared  not  hazard  an  opin- 
ion, inasmuch  as  that  depends  on  one's 
faith  in  the  doctors.  Since  the  beginning 
of  his  illness  up  to  the  present  moment 
they  have  predicted  nothing  that  subse- 
quent events  justified;  and  all  that  I  can 
feel  assured  of  is,  that  no  immediate  dan- 
ger exists.  In  truth,  however,  I  dare  not 
hope  that  his  cure  will  be  rapid  in  a  season 
when  health  is  more  liable  to  fail  than  to 
be  restored.  It  is  eight  days  since  your 
friend  was  placed  on  a  diet  of  ass's  milk, 
and  if  we  are  to  believe  Dr.  Lancereau  his 
chest  is  much  better ;  but,  as  I  am  resolved 
to  no  longer  judge  remedies  save  by  their 
effects,  if  you  are  satisfied  I  will  allow  a 
few  more  days  to  pass  before  I  put  faith  in 
the  physician's  words.  Yesterday  a  con- 
sultation was  held  between  his  three  doc- 
tors, who  have  already  evidenced  their 
uselessness,  and  keep  continually  saying : 
''Clisterium  donare,  postea  saignare,  en- 
suita  purgare."  Take  this  away  from 
them  and  one-half  their  boasted  science 
vanishes.  Although  our  poor  friend  is 
emaciated,  they  have  ordered  him  bled 
anew;  and,  in  the  state  he  is,  it  seems  to 
me  that  Nature  should  be  fortified  rather 
ihan  weakened.  We  will  see,  in  the  end, 
if  the  Medical  Faculty  are  right;  but  up  to 
this  time  they  have  only  inspired  my  pro- 
found contempt. 

REMARKS    AND    BON    MOTS. 

An  almoner  of  Cardinal  Ranuzzi, 
whom  your  Highness  has  met  in  France, 
was  attacked  by  an  affection .  that,  at 
first  sight,  did  not  appear  dangerous,  but 
which,  thanks  to  the  aid  of  the  physicians, 
became  mortal.  When  informed  that  it 
was  useless  for  him  to  even  dream  of 
living,  he  made  up  his  mind  to  die  and 


sent  for  a  priest.  Father  Grenade  Theatin, 
who  never  left  the  sick  man  until  the  latter 
expired  in  his  arms,  although  the  poor  fel- 
low awaited  his  death  with  the  greatest 
resignation  at  the  will  of  God.  The  hour 
of  final  agony  having  arrived,  Father 
Theatin  recommended  the  soul  of  the 
dying  to  its  creator  in  the  beautiful  prayer, 
^^Proficiscere  anima  Christiana,^^  etc.,  which 
signifies,  liberally  rendered.  Leave  prompt- 
ly. Christian  soul.  When  the  dying  man 
responded  in  a  mournful  voice,  ^^  Fian 
piano,  anima  7nia,  pian  piano  I "  (A  little 
slow,  my  soul,  go  slowly !) 


BRUEYS  (1640  to  1723). 

THE    GRUMBLER. 
(Comedy  in  three  acts.) 

Act  II.     Scene  4. 

Lolive:  Make  haste!  make  haste! 
Monsieur  Grichard.  William  has  fallen 
from  his  mule.  The  little  accident  oc- 
curred only  a  few  steps  away  from  here. 
He  was  riding  past  the  door  of  one  of  our 
neighbors  when  a  little  Spanish  dog  yelped 
at  him;  the  mule  became  frightened  and 
shied,  made  a  turn  to  one  side,  and  William 
went  head  over  heels  the  opposite  way. 

Hortense :    Is  he  injured  ? 

Lolive:  No;  but  he  is  furious  at  the 
dog! 

Catati :  He'll  soon  convalesce  from 
that! 

Lolive:  That's  what  he  wants  to  do. 
That's  what  William  says. 

Catau :  Perhaps  he  has  sent  for  some 
other  physician. 

Lolive:  No,  but  he  is  impatient;  and, 
seeing  that  you  have  delayed  about  going,  he 
has  departed. 

Catau  :  He  is  dead  then  ? 


i 


The  Evil  tJmt  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


119 


Lolrve:  You  have  told  the  truth. 
Caiau :  Ah!   that   happens  every  day. 

Act  II. — Scene  10. 

Dr.  Grichard  (in  a  fury) :  I  will  stand 
this  no  longer.  Go,  you  rascal.  Go  to 
your  captain,  your  Viceroy,  to  all  your 
fellows — you  cannot  allay  the  wrath  of  a 
doctor ! 

Lolive:  Sir,  you  are  a  man  of  honor, 
and,  when  you  have  engaged  to  go,  you 
will  go. 

Dr,  Grichard:  Yes,  traitor,  I  shall  go 
immediately,  and  assemble  the  entire  Med- 
ical Faculty. 

Lolive :  And  I  shall  call  out  my  regi- 
ment, then ;  we  shall  see  who  will  win. 

Dr.  Grichard:  This  will  interest  my 
medical  confreres. 

Lolive :  Yes,  Monsier,  do  so,  if  you  will 
only  bring  a  few  of  them  with  you ;  there 
will  still  remain  too  many  for  the  good  of 
Paris. 

Scene  i6  aTid  Last, 

Dr.  Grichard:  The  Devil !  Lt  will  cost 
more  than  four  lives.  (') 

Caiau :  Of  your  patients,  perhaps. 

*  *  * 

LE    NOBLE    EUSTACHE  (1643  to 
1711). 

vESOPUS — COMEDY    IN    THREE    ACTS, 
1691. 

Rodopus :  Ah !  who  would  know  you  in 
this  garb?  Your  figure  is  laughable  and 
most  grotesque. 

Columbine  {as  a  hump-backed  doctor,  or 
Clistorel)  :  You  will  find  it  very  amusmg  in 
the  success  that  awaits  me.  But  wait  until 
you  see  me  discourse  on  my  doctrines. 


I    See  the  apothegms  of  Francis   Bacon,    in 
previous  note. 


Rodopus:  Ah!  Columbine — or  Clisto- 
rel, as  I  should  call  you — parlez  vous  Mede- 
cine?  Do  you  know  how  to  speak  in 
medical  jargon? 

Columbine :  My  Greek  jargon  is  of  the 
first  order.  I  can  furnish  the  finest  sam- 
ples to  order.  You  shall  see  with  what  a 
finished  air  I  shall  give  the  language  of 
these  assassins.  It  is  not  science  in  medi- 
cine that  makes  a  renowned  physician. 
No!  he  only  needs  arrogance,  self-asser- 
tion, and  a  patronizing  manner— one  who 
can  shoot  off  ten  overpowering  words 
slowly,  or,  at  times,  precipitate  the  same 
with  all  due  impertinence.  Thus,  he 
passes  for  a  man  of  great  importance,  and 
in  two  or  three  years'  time,  by  trotting 
around  on  mule-back,  we  shall  see  him 
attain  the  dignity  of  a  four-horse  chariot. 
But  here  comes  ^sop  towards  us. 

Columbine  (disguised  as  Clistorel,  a  doctor 
to  ^sop)  :  Ah !  My  dear  sir,  the  atmo- 
sphere of  your  rare  bounty  fills  my  dia- 
phragm's most  profound  capacity.  Re- 
ceive, Your  Highness,  the  first  drachm  of 
respect  to  which  your  position  entitles  you, 
and  merit  a  full-measured  decoction  of  my 
civility. 

JEsop:  A  beautiful  beginning!  How 
ably  you  play  your  part !  You  speak  in 
medical  phrase  most  truly,  and  could  serve 
a  neat  compliment  even  in  an  injection. 

Rodopus  {to  Clistorel,  or  Columbine)  : 
Courage !  he  is  with  us.  You  have  made 
a  most  successful  debut. 

^sop:  But,  before  I  can  explain  all, 
tell  me  as  to  your  medical  standing. 
Where,  in  the  name  of  ^^sculapius,  did 
you  'buy  your  doctor's  bonnet  and  cloak  ? 
Tell  me,  are  you  a  common  empiric  or  a 
real  doctor  of  our  Faculty  ? 

Columbine  {or   Clistorel) :    To   be  both 

would  not  embarrass  me.    I  know  as  much 

I  of  one  as  of  the  other.     I  can  pierce  the 


I20 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


secrets  of  Nature  by  the  strength  of  my 
acids.  I  know  how  to  aid  digestion.  I 
can  make  alkalies.  I  can  impregnate 
solids  and  render  them  coaguable.  Do 
you  desire  treatment  by  pure  chemical 
methods?  I  know  all  about  metals,  pearls 
and  minerals,  stones  and  vegetables,  ser- 
pents and  animals,  salts,  sulphurs  and 
waters.     I  cure  all  maladies,  as  follows  : 

By  frequent  bleedings, 
By  serious  lithotomies. 
I  am  Greek  in  anatomy, 
I  am  Latin  in  physiology. 
1  have  purgative  remedies, 
I  have  lenitives  and  emetics, 
Nutritives  and  soporifics, 
Fermentatives  and  fomentatives, 
Suppuratives  and  detersive, 
Aperitives  and  restrictives, 
Specifics  and  caustics. 
Diuretics  and  hepatics, 
Cephalics  and  podagratives. 
Febrifuges  and  cordials. 

I  can  apply  all  my  talents  to  each  and 
every  one  alike.  I  make  a  choice  from 
among  these  for  my  patients,  and  I  am 
truly  a  gfeat  genms  in  the  medical  line.  If 
you  have  need  of  my  valuable  services, 
call  on  me ;  I  will  treat  you  properly. 

Rodopus  {to  y^sop) :  Hear  him,  Signor 
^sop !  Listen  how  rapidly  he  has  learned 
and  developed  true  medical  doctrines. 

^sop :  No ;  I  do  not  care  to  expose 
myself  to  his  perfidy.  What  good  can  my 
death  do  him  ? 

*  ^  » 

ANTOINE     BAUDERON     DE 
SENECE  (1643  to  1737). 

THE    OLD    DOCTOR. 

The  physician  Nicodemus,  oftentimes 
an  assassin,  has  seen  a  hundred  carnivals 
since  the  day  of  his  baptism.  Be  not 
astonished  at  this,  since  his  balm  of  Hip- 


pocrates, his  salve  of  Mithridates,  his 
Alkermes  and  Opiates,  never  saved  his 
ignorant  patients.  But  death,  in  recogni- 
tion of  his  valuable  services,  has  paid  him 
by  giving  in  return  a  long  life. 

THE    SLAYER    OF    MEN. 

At  the  house  of  a  good  citizen  of 
Beauvais  a  Dragoon  behaved  very  badly, 
beating  and  otherwise  maltreating  the  host, 
who  cried,  ''Murder  !  Help !  "  The  neigh- 
bors all  ran  to  the  scene,  attracted  by  the 
noise,  and  endeavored  to  calm  the  excite- 
ment. The  bravest  appearing  one  of  the 
number  was  a  delicate  looking  man, 
who  said  to  the  Dragoon :  *  *  Know,  com- 
rade, that  I  am  the  man  who  can  settle 
you!  This  is  no  place  to  quarrel,  but 
upon  my  honor  I  swear  that  I've  killed 
more  people  than  you."  At  these  words 
the  soldier  was  mad  with  wrath.  **  Ah  !  " 
cried  he,  ** miserable  abortion!  Give  me 
my  pistols !  Give  me  a  musket !  We  shall 
soon  see  which  is  the  best  man  of  the  two. 
I  will  make  you  hold  your  tongue  forever." 
A  stalwart  fellow  threw  himself  between 
the  Dragoon  and  his  delicate  looking  op- 
ponent and  said  to  the  former:  "Great 
God!  man,  do  you  know  that  you  are 
about  to  fight  with  a  physician?"  This 
sally  created  such  laughter  that  good 
humor  was  restored,  the  landlord  of  the 
inn  brought  out  tankards  of  wine,  and  the 
Dragoon  himself  was  calmed. 


DELORME    (^Born  about  1642  A.D.). 

THE    INFALLIBLE   DOCTOR. 

The  physician  Scribart,  owing  to  rheu- 
matism, died  last  night,  aged  thirty  years. 
He  was  the  author  of  an  excellent  vol- 
ume, entitled  "  The  Art  of  Living  to  an  Old 
A^e." 


n 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


121 


LA  BRUYERE  (1645  to  1696). 

IRENE  AND  yESCULAPIUS. 

Irene  was  brought  at  great  expense  to 
Epidaurus,  to  visit  ^sculapius  in  his 
temple  and  consult  regarding  her  illness. 
First  she  complained  of  being  wearied  and 
suffering  from  lassitude ;  and  the  God  told 
her  this  came  from  the  long  journey  she 
had  taken.  She  said  she  had  no  appetite 
at  evening ;  and  the  Oracle  ordered  her  to 
take  but  a  little  dinner.  Irene  claimed  to 
suffer  from  insomnia;  and  vEsculapius 
ordered  her  never  to  rest  on  her  bed  ex- 
cept at  night.  She  said  she  was  growing 
stout  and  that  her  limbs  dragged ;  she  was 
requested  to  take  a  long  walk  before  noon. 
She  declared  that  wine  drinking  injured 
her ;  whereat  the  God  advised  her  to  con- 
fine her  libations  to  water.  She  said  she 
had  indigestion,  and  was  ordered  to  regu- 
late her  diet.  *'My  sight  is  enfeebled," 
observed  Irene.  "Stop  wearing  glasses," 
said  the  God.  * '  I  am  growing  weaker  !  " 
exclaimed  she.  "True,"  said  the  Oracle; 
"it  is  because  you  are  growing  old." 
"  But  how  can  I  cure  my  languor?"  de- 
manded Irene,  with  evident  signs  of  im- 
patience. "The  quickest  way,"  answered 
^sculapius,  "is  to  die,  like  your  mother 
and  your  grandmother."  Then  cried 
Irene:  "Great  son  of  Apollo,  is  this  the 
only  advice  you  can  give  me  ?  Is  this  all 
your  boasted  science  of  medicine  ?  Is  it 
for  this  that  the  earth  reveres  your  learn- 
ing ?  Is  it  this  that  has  brought  me  to  you 
for  council  on  things  mysterious?  Do  I 
not  know  myself  all  the  remedies  you  have 
prescribed  in  my  case?"  Then  ^scu- 
lapius  replied  with  dignity :  "It  was  use- 
less for  you  to  come  such  a  distance,  unless 
you  intended  to  shorten  your  days  by  a 
long  voyage ! " 


REGARDING    CERTAIN    CUSTOMS. 

The  world  has  always  improved  the 
condition  of  physicians,  and  we  serve  them 
in  order  that  they  may  live ;  the  theatre 
and  satire  do  not  cut  off  their  fees  and  pen- 
sions ;  they  give  their  daughters  handsome 
doweries,  place  their  sons  in  Parliament  or 
in  the  Priesthood,  and  the  people  that  rail 
at  their  trade  furnish  the  money.  Those 
who  are  well  must  sometimes  become  pa- 
tients, and  will  be  the  first  to  call  in  a  doc- 
tor to  discover  whether  Death  is  near.  So 
long  as  men  must  die  but  still  desire  to 
Hve,  so  long  will  the  doctor  be  bitterly 
ridiculed  but  nevertheless  well  paid  for  his 
services. 

The  rashness  of  doctors  and  the  sad 
lack  of  success  which  follows  necessarily, 
makes  us  value  physicians  as  well  as  their 
remedies.  If  the  former  permit  us  to  die 
the  latter  are  certain  to  kill  us. 

Carro  Carri  debarked  with  a  receipt 
that  he  called  a  prompt  remedy,  and 
which  was  sometimes  a  slow  poison.  With 
a  specific  that  was  good  for  colic  he  cured 
quartan  fever,  pleurisy,  dropsy,  apoplexy, 
and  epilepsy.  Force  your  memory  to  name 
some  malady,  say  the  first  that  comes  in 
your  mind;  hemorrhage,  say  you?  He 
claims  to  cure.  He  resuscitates  no  one,  it 
is  true ;  he  gives  not  life  to  man,  but  leads 
them  of  necessity  to  decrepitude.  It  was 
by  chance  that  his  father  and  grandfather, 
who  held  this  specific  remedy  as  a  family 
secret,  both  died  very  young. 

Doctors  receive  for  their  visits  that 
which  is  given  them;  some  few  thank  you 
for  the  gift.  Carro  Carri  is  so  certain  of 
his  specific  and  the  effects  that  follow  that 
he  makes  his  patients  pay  always  in  ad- 
vance; he  receives,  in  other  words,  before 
he  gives.     If  the  disease  is  incurable  so 


122 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


much  the  better ;  it  is  more  worthy  of  an 
application  and  of  his  remedy.  Commence 
by  giving  him  a  few  bags  of  a  thousand 
franc  pieces,  give  him  a  written  contract, 
one  of  your  estates,  and  remain  satisfied — 
that  you  will  be  cured.  The  emulation  of 
this  man  is  to  people  the  world  with  the 
names  O  and  I,  venerable  letters  that  he 
imposes  on  all  diseases  and  patients. 

Our  great  physician  Fagon,  and  others 
more  modest  in  the  Faculty,  admit  that 
they  cannot  always  cure;  those  who  in- 
herit secret  family  remedies  and  inherit 
their  medical  talent  from  their  ancestors, 
whose  experience  by  succession  is  lacking, 
promise  always,  with  sworn  statements  and 
affidavits,  that  they  can  cure,  that  all  man- 
kind can  hope  for  hope  even  in  mortal 
diseases,  and  thus  escape  the  final  agonies ! 
Death  surprises  some  agreeably,  without 
permitting  itself  to  be  feared. 


BERNIER   JEANC)    (1647  to  1698). 

MEDICAL  DOGMAS. 

A  poet  of  the  time  of  Nerveze  (1570  to 
1625)  thus  paints  the  physician  of  that 
period : 

Leurs  dogmes  dont  par  eux  nos  corps  sont  dis- 

sipez, 
Sont  des  recipez  faux  et  de  vrais  decipez, 
Butinans  sur  chacun  c'est  tout  leur  envie, 
De  vous  faire  mourir  pour  se  donnes  la  vie. 
Voila  comme  par  eux  les  hommessont  tous  Saints, 
Venus  au  lendemain  du  jour  de  la  Toussaint. 

A  great  Prince  of  our  times  said  that 
medicine  had  four  divisions,  of  which  the 
first  three  consisted  in  charlatanry  and  the 
fourth  in  braggadocio. 

I  This  physician  published  in  1689  his  *'  Es- 
says an  Medicine,"  from  which  these  extracts  are 
derived. 


A  Spanish  doctor,  having  no  hope  for 
his  patient,  whom  he  deemed  mortally  ill, 
came  to  make  the  unfortunate  a  final  visit, 
and  hitched,  as  usual,  his  mule  outside  the 
door,  when  he  was  called  to  make  haste, 
as  a  patient  was  dying  in  another  part  of 
the  residence.  He  ran  into  the  house,  and 
the  mule,  that  had  not  been  well  tied,  also 
trotted  into  the  first  patient's  chamber,  mak- 
ing a  terrible  noise  as  it  approached  the  bed, 
and  braying  loudly  at  seeing  a  form  move 
on  the  mattress.  At  this  ridiculous  mulish 
noise  the  sick  man  opened  his  eyes  (he  had 
been  semi-comatose  before),  and  endeav- 
ored in  his  fright  to  escape  from  what  he 
considered  a  Demon.  This  sudden  move- 
ment assisted  the  effort  of  Nature  and 
broke  an  internal  abscess  that  had  escaped 
the  physician's  notice,  the  contents  of 
which  entered  the  bowels  and  poured  off 
through  the  natural  channels. 

Meantime,  the  doctor  and  nurse  had 
come  down  stairs,  and  were  surprized  at 
seeing  the  mule  still  standing  over  the  sick 
man's  bed.  The  mule  was  driven  out  and 
the  physician,  feeling  the  patient's  pulse, 
discovered  him  to  be  better.  He  was 
astounded,  as  he  had,  as  before  remarked, 
regarded  the  termination  as  fatal.  Now, 
the  convalescent,  hearing  his  doctor  boast- 
ing of  his  sudden  improvement,  remarked : 
**  Sir,  it  was  not  the  last  remedy  that  you 
ordered  me,  but  it  was  the  kindly  act  of 
your  mule ;  and  as  you  are  only  a  small 
ass  in  comparison  with  your  magnificent 
and  stalwart  animal,  I  pledge  you  my 
word  as  an  honest  Spanish  gentleman, 
that  should  I  again  become  ill  I  shall 
call  in  that  skillful  mule  in  preference 
to   yourself. 


Souverains  juges  du  bien  dire, 
Que  le  blondin  Phebus  inspire, 
Sur  le  choix  des  mots  les  plus  fins 
Lequel  des  deux  faut  11  qu*on  die» 


I 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


23 


Jules  mourut  de  telle  maladie, 
Ou  mourut  de  tels  Medecins. 

A  woman  once  advised  her  daughter 
not  to  marry  a  physician,  using  the  follow- 
ing language :  "  How  weary  you  will 
become  of  the  chagrins  you  must  partici- 
pate in  on  account  of  your  husband ;  think 
of  the  smarting  displeasures  and  storms  of 
ridicule  that  will  be  heaped  upon  his  head ; 
think  of  the  confusion  and  excitement  in 
which  his  hfe  is  ever  spent.  He  will  make 
mistakes  in  predictions ;  he  will  be  con- 
sulted in  regard  to  Nature,  and  be  only 
able  to  respond  by  conjectures.  In  striv- 
ing to  save,  he  will  often  condemn  his 
patients  to  death.  His  perfume  will  be 
very  strong,  and  he  will  converse  with  you 
in  bad  Latin. 


DUFRESNY     CHARLES     RI- 
VIERE (1648  to  1724). 

Amusements^  Serious  and  Comical. 

WAGGISH    THOUGHT   ON    CHARLATANS. 

The  absence  of  physicians  is  a  sover- 
eign remedy  for  those  who  do  not  call  in  a 
charlatan.  This  is  not  saying  there  may 
not  be  good  charlatans.  That  stranger  in 
the  story,  for  example,  was  very  sincere ; 
he  sold  fountain  water  at  thirty  sous  a 
bottle ;  he  claimed  there  were  occult 
virtues  contained  in  the  fluid,  which  cured 
the  worst  maladies;  he  swore,  and  swore 
truly,  that  this  very  water  had  cured  his 
greatest  infirmity,  which  was  ^poverty. 

THE    FACULTY. 

Situation  of  the  country  of  the  Faculty. 
The  country  of  doctors  is  situated  on  the 
road  from  this  world  to  the  other.  It  is  a 
peculiar  climate,  where  they  breathe  a  re- 
freshing air  which  is  very  prejudicial  to 


natural  heat.  Those  who  travel  in  this 
country  spend  all  they  have  while  starving 
to  death. 

Language  of  the  country. — The  doctor's 
language  is  very  learned,  and  yet  those 
who  speak  it  are  very  ignorant  men.  Ordi- 
narily, people  learn  a  language  in  order  to 
express  what  they  know  clearly  ;  but,  in 
the  doctor's  country,  they  learn  a  jargon 
which  only  serves  to  mystify  that  which 
they  themselves  do  not  know. 

A    FEVER    patient's    VISION. 

When  I  talk  to  a  patient  of  good  sense, 
I  have  to  combat  at  once  the  arguments  of 
the  physician,  the  disease,  the  remedy  and 
the  sufferer's  inanition.  One  of  my  friends, 
who  had  brain  trouble  once,  had  a  vision 
in  his  fever  that  saved  his  life.  He  thought 
he  saw  his  fever,  under  the  form  of  a  pur- 
suing monster,  chasing  him  step  by  step, 
and  that  a  charitable  person  seized  him  by 
the  waist  to  pull  him  out  of  a  river  which 
was  a  running  torrent  of  blood ;  but  the 
patient  dreamt  he  had  not  the  strength  to 
help  himself  and  was  drowned.  The  char- 
itable friend,  who  was  in  the  guise  of  a 
doctor,  robbed  the  dead  man's  pockets  and 
ran  to  assist  another  patient  who  had  fallen 
into  a  river  of  warm  chicken  broth.  My 
friend  took  a  hint  from  this  dream,  for  he 
discharged  his  doctor  and  recovered. 

IS    IT    BETTER    TO    ABANDON    ONE'S   SELF    TO 
NATURE   THAN    TO    THE    DOCTORS  ? 

In  Paris  the  fashion  in  doctors  is  like 
that  in  almanacs,  the  newest  are  the  most 
consulted ;  but  their  reign,  like  that  of  the 
almanac,  only  lasts  for  the  current  year. 

When  a  person  leaves  all  his  ills  to 
Nature  he  risks  much ;  when  he  confides 
entirely  to  the  doctors  he  also  takes  many 
chances.  But,  chance  for  chance,  I  love 
Nature  best,  inasmuch  as  I  know  it  acts  in 


124 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


as  good  faith  as  it  can,  and  does  not  make 
its  profit  by  prolonging  one's  illness. 

THE     DEPARTURE     OF     THE    COMEDIANS.  — 
COMEDY    IN    ONE    ACT,     1 694. 

Scene  2. 

Colombine:  Thou  shouldst  seek  some 
remedy  for  our  ills. 

Harlequin  :  Alas  !  we  are  the  patients, 
and  there  are  the  doctors  {pointing  to  dress- 
circle).  It  is  only  a  number  of  physicians 
that  could  cure  our  several  maladies. 

Colombine :  We  will  bear  our  illness 
patiently,  if  we  can  have  a  consultation  of 
four  or  five  physicians  every  day. 

Harlequin :  Not  of  these  doctors  {point- 
ing to  parquet )  !  These  doctors  are  not  so 
learned  as  the  Professors  of  the  Faculty  of 
Medicine. 

Colombine:  I  know  the  reason  well! 
These  dramatic  doctors  {pointing  to  the 
entire  audience)  pay  us — at  the  door ;  but 
the  doctors  of  medicine  charge  us  before 
they  enter  our  sick  chamber. 

THE    MORAL    PHYSICIANS. — COMEDY    IN 
THREE    ACTS,    1 697. 

Act  I. — Scene  7. 

Chorus  :  It  is  said  that  the  doctor,  from 
malice,  is  an  assassin,  but  this  is  a  mistake. 
They  say  that  his  ignorance  causes  more 
mortality  than  war  or  pestilence.  This  is 
the  pure  truth. 

Act  II.     Scene  5. 

Pasquin  {shoiving  a  miniatme)  :  Here  is 
Monsieur,  the  murderer,  the  doctor  ! 

This  doctor,  who  knows  well  how  to  bring  Death, 
Talks  of  bringing  children  in  the  same  breath  ; 
Talks  of  begetting  to  each  husband  and  wife, 
Knowing,  lor  death,  that  one  must  have  life. 

Act  III.     Scene  3. 
Pasquin  :  Doctors  are  like  almanacs — 


the  most  recently  arrived  the  most  con- 
sulted. Novelty  is  the  folly  of  the  French, 
who  prefer  green  peas  to  dried  peas,  the 
latest  journal  to  the  older  gazette ;  who 
love  the  girl  of  sweet  sixteen  more  than  her 
experienced  mother. 

Scene  8. 

The  doctor,  full  of  science, 

Who  trusts  we're  always  well, 
And  quotes  us  old  Hippocrates, 

Who  on  Galen  long  doth  dwell. 
Reminds  us  of  that  husband, 

That  stupid,  without  sense, 
Who  sought  to  satisfy  his  wife 

With  naught  but  eloquence. 

Ah  !  husbands  and  doctors, 
It  is  I  that  you  assure 

Your  eloquence  amounts  to  naught, 
To  Nature  leave  the  cure. 

If  the  patient  be  a  coquette. 

And,  at  bottom,  full  of  fun, 
No  medicine  will  ease  her 

If  her  head  to  Folly  run. 
You  may  quote  Greek  and  Latin 

E'en  by  the  inch  or  yard  ; 
But  pills  and  clysters  never  heal 

A  heart  that  groweth  hard. 

Ah  !  husbands  and  doctors. 
Your  arts  are  imposture. 

Your  eloquence  amounts  to  naught. 
To  Nature  leave  the  cure. 

SIMILARITY    BETWEEN    DOCTORS    AND 
HOUSE    STEWARDS. 

There  is  a  similarity  between  physicians 
and  stewards :  A  steward  will  ruin  the  best 
established  house,  and  the  doctor  ruins  the 
best  constituted  body.  The  ruined  houses 
enrich  the  steward,  the  ruined  body  en- 
riches the  doctor.  All  physicians  should 
be  obliged  to  marry ;  is  it  not  justice  that 
they  should  give  to  the  State  a  few  men  in 
place  of  the  many  they  daily  remove  ?  I 
can  pardon  those  who  at  the  end  of  their 
lives  give  themselves  over  to  the  physi- 
cian's care,  even  as  I  can  pardon  the  gam- 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


125 


bier  for  stopping  play  when  old  age  pre- 
vents his  handling  his  cards  skilfully. 

*  u.  * 


PIERRE 

1728). 


DE   VILLIERS    (1648  to 


THE    DIFFERENCE. 


When  a  doctor  visits  his  patients  on  foot, 
He  suffers  from  dozens  of  insults  and  ills  : 

He  hears  of  rich  patients  he  thinks  he  could  cure, 
Who  are  slain  by  the  chariot  doctor  who  kills. 

But  when  he  grows  rich  and  rideth  along, 
With  two  horses  pulling  his  elegant  chaise, 

'Tis  then  that  he  changes  the  tune  of  his  song, 
And  thinks  one's  surroundings  alter  the  case. 

So  he  prudently  counsels  each  patient  that  ccmes, 
Finding  science  is  best  in  an  elegant  drag. 

Contented  to  kill  in  a  carriage  he  roams, 

And,  smilingly,  whippeth  each  mettlesome  nag. 


ANONYMOUS  (1649). 

UNIVERSAL    RAILLERY. 
(Extract.) 
Si  les  Cesars  en  une  ligne, 

Signoient  la  fin  de  nostre  sort. 
Que  fait  un  Medec  n  qui  signe 

Un  ordinance  de  la  mort  ? 

Si  I'objet  de  I'Anatomiste 

Est  de  mesme  que  d'un  boucher, 

C'est  que  tout  leur  employ  consiste 
A  ne  rien  faire  que  hacher. 

Si  Dieu  guerit  la  maladie 
Comme  le  souverain  agent, 

Ou  voit  une  main  hardie 

Au  Medecin  qui  prend  I'argent. 

^  *  * 

PALAPRAT  JEAN  (1650  to  1721). 

HARLEQUIN    PH/ETON.— COMEDY    IN 
THREE    ACTS. 

Act  III.     Scene  3. 

yEsculapius :   Believe  me,  you  are  well ! 
Do  you  think  you  have  only  been  asleep, 


my  brother  ?     Know  that  you  were  dead, 
and  I  resuscitated  you  with  my  medicines. 
Phaton:  For  one  you  resuscitate  scores 
of  others  must  die. 

Scene  9, 

Doris :  We  have  been  ejreatly  embar- 
rassed as  to  a  choice  of  trades.  Had 
^sculapius  taught  Phaeton  medicine  he 
might  have  gained  his  living;  besides  that, 
Phseton  would  have  been  learned,  too. 

Momus :  Many  an  ignorant  fellow  is 
enriched  by  this  medical  trade. 

yEsculcLpius  :  The  trade  was  a  meritori- 
ous one  in  former  ages,  but  to-day  it  is 
much  decried.  Even  children  knew  then 
that  oxicrat  was  only  a  mixture  of  vinegar 
and  water ;  now  all  the  world  deals  in  a 
multitude  of  special  drugs. 

Momus:  Added  to  this,  your  modern 
doctor  delights  in  fraud.  Some  persons 
will  kill  off  an  army  without  the  assistance 
of  the  physician  ;  another  will  kill  himself 
with  excesses  in  four  and  twenty  hours; 
but  in  extraordinary  ills,  taking  charlatan 
for  charlatan,  give  me  the  pure  empiric. 

Fhceton  :  In  ordinary  maladies,  —  the 
common,  every-day  afflictions  of  life, — we 
knew  as  much  as  you  formerly,  and  all  the 
world  applied  most  simple  remedies ;  so 
that  the  first  furniture  of  a  well-equipped 
mansion  was  an  easy-working  syringe. 

Momus :  But  now  there  exists  a  true 
alliance  with  the  Medical  Faculty.  When 
fever  comes  they  seize  upon  the  patient 
while  a  drop  of  humor  or  red  blood  flows 
within  his  veins ;  they  take  great  pains 
prescribing  their  vaunted  quinia,  which  is 
duly  adulterated  beforehand  by  the  apothe- 
caries; the  mortal  effect  of  this  cursed 
febrifuge  is  noted,  inasmuch  as  pharmacy 
has  sophisticated  on  the  virtue  of  the 
drug. 

Phmton :  You  are  right.     But  I  do  not 


126 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


enrich  myself  in  that  manner,  as  I  only 
treat  secret  diseases.  I  advertise  on  my 
cards  that  I  only  see  men,  but  Madam 
Phaeton,  my  wife,  will  examine  all  the 
ladies. 

Momus :  For  shame  !  Yours  is  a  vile 
bawdy  trade,  although  it  is  true  it  offsets 
the  tricks  of  the  rascally  apothecary. 

A    GIRL   OF    GOOD    SENSE. — COMEDY    IN 
THREE    ACTS. 

Act  I.     Scene  2. 

Pierrot:  Now,  Master,  you  always 
promised  me  your  doctor's  robe  when  you 
married,  and  you  will  enter  wedlock  to- 
morrow with  the  pretty  Angelica.  Then  I 
shall  throw  aside  my  working-jacket  and 
be  a  doctor  like  you  are. 

The  Doctor:  Barone,  ti  credi  dresser 
Dottore  per  averne  il  vestito?  (Fool!  Do 
you  think  to  be  a  doctor  by  wearing  one^s 
clothes?) 

Pierrot:  Why  not  ?  There  are  a  thou- 
sand doctors  to-day  who  enter  the  profes- 
sion with  no  more  ceremony  or  prepara- 
tion ;  I  know  fifty  here  in  Paris  to-day— 
they  are  only  physicians  in  equipage  and 
clothing.  I  see  asses  who  are  doctors  all 
the  time,  in  utroque  et  in  medecina  si  voluis- 
sent  (one  and  the  other  in  medicine  as  they 
will). 

*  *  * 

BARATON  (1650  to  1720). 

verselets. 

Ou  portoit  a'  I'Eglise  un  mort  de  qualite, 

Qui  dans  sa  maladie  avoit  ete  traite 

Comme  le  sont  les  Grands,  avec  mainte  beveue, 

Deux  Medecins  amis,  et  de  la  Faculte, 

S'etant  recontrez  dans  la  rue, 

L'un  d'eux  goguenard  et  boufon, 

Dit  en  riant  a  son  confrere ; 

Get  homme  que  Ton  port  en  terre 

N'est — il  pas  mort  de  ta  facon  ? 


THE    DOUBLE   DROPSY. 

An  old  fellow  with  dropsical  effusion 

Fell  ill  and  was  ready  to  die. 
All  his  doctors  came  to  the  conclusion 

He  was  soon  to  yield  up  his  last  sigh. 

'Twas  then  that  he  made  the  decision, 

To  go  down  to  Lyons  to  dwell. 
As  he'd  heard  that  there  dwelt  a  physician 

Who  would  kill  when  he  could  not  make  well. 

So  he  hitched  up  his  family  carriage 
And  sought  for  this  doctor  post-haste, 

With  his  pretty  young  wife,  whom  marriage 
Had  never  made  full  in  the  waist. 

Now  the  doctor  was  handsome  and  jolly  ; 

The  old  man's  wife  cooed  like  a  dove  ; 
Before  she  was  sad — melancholy, 

But  now  she  o'erflowed  with  her  love. 

For  in  nine  months  her  husband  was  cured, 
And  his  dropsy  was  perfectly  well ; 

While  the  young  wife  her  nausea  endured 
For  with  something  her  belly  did  swell. 

Ah  !  can  one  a  skillful  young  doctor  blame, 
When  he  transmits  a  swelling  from  husband  to 
dame  ? 

*  *  * 

CINTHIO  (Old  Italian  dramatist). 

THE    REMEDY    FOR    ALL    ILLS. — COMEDY    IN 
THREE    ACTS. 

(Harlequin,  disguised  as  a  doctor, 
mounted  on  an  ass,  and  is  accompanied  by 
Trivelin ;  they  lead  another  animal  carry- 
ing a  standard.) 

Harlequin :  I  am  a  doctor,  a  sur- 
geon, apothecary  and  barber ;  I  am 
perfectly  acquainted  with  all  infirmities 
and  every  malady.  I  have  cured  with 
my  perlin- pin -pin -powder  a  case  of  sea 
sickness(')    in    eight    days    in    a    young 

I  A  play  on  French  words  is  noted  here  in  the 
original.  Mai  de  f?ier  means  sea-sickness,  while 
ine7'e  means  mother;  an  illness  caused  by  a  mother 
is  here  rendered  as  ma  I  de  mere.  The  pun  is  ob- 
vious to  all  readers  of  French. 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


127 


man  aged  fifteen  years.  \Here  Trivelin 
innterrupts  Harlequin^  and  the  doctor  admits 
that  only  girls  and  old  women  have  this  affec- 
tion.] **You  are  deceived,"  responds 
Harlequin,  '*  for  the  mother  of  this  young 
man  has  hit  him  a  violent  blow  on  the 
head  with  a  stick.  I  believe  I  can  call 
that  mal  de  mere  (sea-sickness).  In  the 
same  skillful  manner  I  cured  a  fellow  who 
had  headache  in  his  stomach.'"  "  How  can 
that  be?"  says  the  doctor.  '*  Why,  he 
was  hooked  in  the  belly  with  a  bull's 
horn,"  replied  the  mock  physician.  *' I 
have  cured  toothache  in  the  hand,''  says 
Harlequin  {all  the  audience  laugh).  "Yes, 
gentlemen,  I  will  convince  you  of  this,  for 
a  dog  bit  one  of  my  patients  in  the  left 
hand.  Gentlemen,  beHeve  me,  this  won- 
derful powder  of  mine  comforts  the  stom- 
ach, establishes  natural  heat,  aids  the 
spleen  and  liver,  and  makes  the  lungs 
breathe.  This  powder  is  a  remedy  for  all 
nations,  especially  as  it  is  French.  Ah  ! 
gentlemen,  I  am  a  bard  student,  I  observe 
the  revolution  of  the  planets,  because,  as 
Plato  has  observed,  '  a  doctor  without 
astrology  is  an  eye  without  a  pupil.'  You 
will  observe  that  I  cure  all  diseases  except 
those  under  the  sign  of  Taurus  or  Capri- 
cornus,  which  are  incurable,  because  they 
attack  the  head."  Here  Harlequin  ceases 
to  speak  and  they  bring  in  some  pretended 
paralytics ;  he  gives  them  his  powder, 
which  is  a  variety  of  snufF,  whereat  ihey 
all  sneeze  violently  and  dance  around  the 
stage. 

In  the  second  act,  several  patients  pre- 
sent themselves  to  the  pretended  doctor. 
**  My  daughter  has  lost  her  health  !  "  cries 
one  of  those  present.  "Well,  I've  not 
found  it  yet !  "  retorts  the  ever-ready  Har- 
lequin. He  orders  a  person  to  heal  an 
incurable  affection  of  the  feet  by  cutting 
off  his  head,  on  the  theory  of  contrariis 


contraria  curantur.  He  calls  Scaramouche, 
and  says  to  him,  "  I  desire  to  show  you 
the  virtue  of  my  powder."  He  places 
Scaramouche,  who  pretends  to  be  help- 
lessly crippled,  on  a  bed  of  straw,  and, 
after  sprinkling  him  with  his  powder,  sets 
the  bed  on  fire,  whereat  that  malingering 
party,  scorched  by  the  fire,  takes  to  flight, 
pursued  by  the  laughter  of  the  appreciative 
audience. 

*  *  * 

MARCOUREAU  DE  BRECOURT 
(Died  in  1685). 

THE    GHOST    OF    MOLIERE. — COMEDY    IN 
ONE   ACT. 

Scene  1. 

Second  Ghost :  During  the  four  years  I 
have  served  this  famous  empiric,  he  has 
never  given  me  the  least  information  as  to 
the  poisons  he  composed.  How  many 
lives  has  he  sold  by  this  means  to  the 
highest  bidder  ? 

J^irst  Ghost :  The  secret  of  killing  men 
is  certainly  connected  with  medicine,  or 
we  should  not  be  seduced  into  this  dis- 
course. Yet  it  is  a  difficult  matter  to 
speak  of  doctors  and  not  avoid  the  subject 
of  death.  It  is  a  well-known  fact  that 
these  gentlemen  are  a  little  vindictive,  and 
that  for  some  time  past  they  have  been 
preaching  the  vengeance  of  those  who  did 
not  wish  to  die  at  their  hands ;  and  it 
happens  that  our  grand  master,  Pluto, 
gives  these  people  position  here  and  vents 
his  wrath  on  us  for  not  speaking  of  the 
Faculty  with  due  respect.  Perhaps  it  were 
better  to  hold  our  tongues. 

Second  Ghost:  The  festival  is  arranged 
for  these  people  and  is  to  be  prepared 
here. 

First  Ghost:  I  know  not  whether  it  be 
for  doctors  or  others  ;  but  I  do  know  that 


128 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctofs. 


Pluto  will  soon  be  here  to   manage   the 
affair. 

Scene  3. 

Minos :  In  other  times  it  was  the  ambi- 
tion of  a  certain  man  to  write  what  he 
desired  to  say,  but  this  was  a  difficult  task 
when  nothmg  appeared  to  be  perfect. 
There  is  not  up  to  medicine  even  anything 
that  has  not  been  censured  at  his  hands, 
and  this  is  what  he  most  often  touched 
upon ;  and  so  well  did  he  succeed  on  this 
subject  that  he  still  is  feared,  for  they 
dread  that  they  may  be  banished  from 
earth  for  another  six  hundred  years. 

Pluto  {seated  on  his  throne) :  That  would 
do  me  a  great  injury. 

Scene  13. 

Moliere :  Ah !  here  are  my  friends,  the 
doctors.  Let  us  listen,  and  we  will  answer 
afterwards. 

Pluto:  Gentlemen,  doctors,  you  are 
welcome.  You  visit  a  prince  who  honors 
you  so  much.  I  know  full  well  all  the  ob- 
ligations I  owe  your  profession,  and  m  this 
vast  Empire  of  the  Dead  you  can  well 
boast  of  playing  a  good  part  in  my  inter- 
ests. So,  in  return,  I  can  refuse  you  no 
favor  you  demand  of  me.  Ask  and  ye 
shall  receive ! 

First  Physician :  Grand  Master  of  the 
Dead,  you  see  before  you  the  very  flower 
of  medical  chivalry — your  ever  faithful 
servitors. 

Second  Physician:  We  have  never  let 
the  occasion  slip  to  give  you  full  evi- 
dence of  the  marks  of  our  esteem  and 
fidelity. 

Pluto :  I  know  that  full  well,  for  your 
opium,  emetics,  and  bleedings  render 
ample  testimony  that  you  truly  and  loyally 
served  me. 

Third  Physician:  We  deemed  it  our 
simple  duty. 


Pluto:  The  many  that  come  to  me 
fully  attest  that  fact. 

Fourth  Physician  :  It  is  only  a  pleasure 
to  serve  so  great  a  Monarch. 

Pluto :  I  am  ever  under  obligations  to 
you  all,  and  it  gives  me  joy  to  greet  you. 
I  know  too  that  your  aid  is  still  necessary 
in  the  world  above,  and  that  I  am  some- 
what vexed  that  age  has  called  you  here  I 
will  admit.  Nevertheless,  I  am  consoled 
by  the  thought  that  you  have  left  children 
on  the  earth  who  know  how  to  practice 
your  trade,  and  have  already  sent  me  an 
installment  of  their  clients  with  whom  they 
experimented.  But  what  do  you  desire  of 
me? 

Third  Physician  :  We  come  to  demand 
justice  of  a  mortal  who  pretended  that  the 
art  of  medicine  was  an  imposture  and 
gross  charlatanism. 

Pluto :  Is  it  someone  I  know  ? 

Fourth  Physician :  He  was  one  who 
raged  without  a  foundation  of  truth  for  his 
assertions;  a  fellow  who  satirized  all  our 
profession.  A  man  whose  animosity  was 
envenomed  solely  by  envy,  and  who 
organized  a  conspiracy  against  medical 
practitioners. 

Moliere  [aside] :  I  will  confound  these 
superb  pretenders ! 

Third  Physician :  He  is  already  pre- 
dicting bad  things  of  us  here.  Even  the 
Dead  seem  now  leagued  against  us;  he 
still  emits  his  calumny  against  us,  and 
is  full  as  ever  of  biting  sarcasms  against  our 
doctors.  So,  Grand  Monarch,  we  come  to 
you  humbly  as  a  committee  from  our  illus- 
trious Medical  Faculty,  to  show  that  the 
increase  of  your  Empire  depends  on  re- 
pressing the  audacity  and  insolence  of 
even  the  Dead,  whom  he  inspires. 

Pluto :  I  shall  teach  these  deaJ  how  to 
live.  I  fully  understand,  and  shall  tell 
them  you  are  the  firmest  supporters  of  my 


J 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


129 


State.  But  who  are  these  dead  who  impu- 
dently dare  to  discredit  your  trade  ? 
Name,  only  name  them  to  me,  and  I  shall 
make  a  horrid  example  of  them ! 

Fourth  Physician  :  There  are  a  number 
of  lesser  spirits  who  swell  the  general  tor- 
rent of  abuse,  and  who  echo  the  com- 
plaints of  another  who  has  lied.  It  is  the 
author  of  our  injuries  whom  we  desire  to 
punish.  It  is  this  latter-day  Cato,  who  in- 
veighs against  us,  and  who,  in  his  scorn  of 
our  noble  profession,  has  pushed  his  audac- 
ity to  the  point  of  sublime  ridicule,  render- 
ing us  a  veritable  laughing  stock  to  the 
public.  It  is  the  ghost  of  this  man,  this 
impertinent  slanderer  of  the  Medical 
Faculty,  on  whom  we  invoke  your  direst 
vengeance. 

F/uto  [to  Moliere\  :  Answer  to  this 
charge ! 

Moliere  \io  the  Doctors] :  So  you  wish 
me,  gentlemen?  You  demand  vengeance 
for  the  contempt  I  bear  your  illustrious 
Faculty  ?  I  admit  that  I  have  made  you 
all  the  laughing  stock  of  the  public.  As  it 
is  necessary  to  answer  you,  I  shall  make 
your  characteristics  more  accursed  than 
ever.  Pluto,  Monarch  of  Hell,  I  swear 
here,  by  the  respect  I  owe  you.  Great 
Master,  that  it  is  not  against  medicine  that 
I  have  so  bitterly  inveighed.  I  have 
adored  the  study  of  the  Healing  Art,  I  re- 
vere its  judicious  practice ;  but  I  abhor  and 
detest  the  pernicious  and  wicked  use  that 
is  made  of  it  by  senseless  fools  whom  only 
a  diploma  makes  doctors;  it  is  only 
against  those  who  abuse  the  name  of  phy- 
sician that  I  deign  to  respond. 

Fluto  :  You  argue  sensibly  enough. 

Moliere  [to  the  Doctors] :  Im posters  ! 
You  perpetually  prove  your  ignorance  and 
the  unccitainty  of  your  practice  by  con- 
tinual disagreements.  Never  in  your  sim- 
plest prescriptions  has  the  world  ever  seen 


you  follow  each  others  prescriptions  with- 
out adding  or  subtracting  something.  As 
to  your  opinions,  they  are  more  varied 
than  your  practice.  Some  say  the  cause 
of  disease  lies  in  the  humors ;  others  in  the 
blood.  Some  with  pompous  assaninity  im- 
pute all  maladies  to  invisible  atoms  that 
enter  the  pores  of  the  body.  Some  con- 
tend that  all  affections  arise  from  a  de- 
ficiency of  force ;  some  that  they  proceed 
from  an  inequality  in  the  elements  of  the 
organization  and  the  character  of  the  air 
we  respire,  or  the  abundance,  poverty,  or 
corruption  of  our  food.  This  diversity  of 
opinion  fully  evidences  the  ignorance  of 
doctors ;  but  the  weakness  and  rashness  of 
the  sick  who  abandon  themselves  to  con- 
trary gales  is  more  stupid. 

Pluto  [to  Doctors] :  Gentlemen,  do  you 
hear  this  ? 

Moliere  :  The  only  thing  seeming  half 
unanimous  in  their  schools  is  their  idea  on 
the  composition  of  a  medicine.  They  say 
one  thing  purges  the  brain,  another  warms 
the  stomach,  another  refreshes  the  liver, — 
as  if  in  such  mixtures  each  remedy  carried 
its  own  point  of  etiquette,  and  that  all  were 
not  absorbed' by*  the  system  at  the  same 
time.  It  is  well  that  these  gentlemen  are 
satisfied  with  the  efficacy  of  their  drugs, 
for  if  one  of  the  remedies  happens  to  be  in 
the  road  of  another,  a  part  of  the  anatomy 
to  be  warmed  might  be  cooled — and  what 
becomes  of  the  patient  ? 

Pluto  [to  Doctors]'.  Gentlemen,  listen  to 
this  argument ! 

Moliere  :  But  these  fraudulent  imposters 
abuse  the  occasion ;  they  tyranically  usurp 
all  family  authority  when  dealing  with  the 
sick  overcome  with  disease  and  dreading 
Death.  They  take  ev5ry  advantage  of 
mankind's  weakness  and  superstition,  and 
in  this  dangerous  moment  they  brazenly 
experiment  with  our  lives  with  any  remedy 


I30 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


that  may  suggest  itself  to  their  ambitious 
imagination.  These  scoundrels  try  any- 
thing, and,  in  this  confidence,  the  sun 
shines  on  their  successes  and  the  earth 
hides  all  failures. 

Pluto  [to  the  Doctors] :  Gentlemen,  listen 
to  his  remarks ! 

Moliere  :  I  remember  at  this  poir  with 
some  grief,  the  weakness  of  one  c .  my 
friends,  who  stupidly  confided  in  their 
seductive  promises  and  poorer  treatment. 
Two  hours  after  he  was  attacked,  the  phy- 
sician whom  he  had  called  came  to  ask 
what  effects  his  remedies  had  secured. 
' '  I  sweat !  "  exclaimed  the  sufferer.  Three 
hours  after  he  came  to  demand  how  his 


patient  felt.  "  I  have  a  chill  and  quake," 
said  the  invalid.  ''That  is  well!"  ex- 
claimed the  doctor.  In  the  evening,  when 
the  physician  returned  for  the  fourth  time 
and  made  inquiry,  he  was  informed  that 
his  patient  was  swollen  up  with  dropsy; 
he  answered,  "It  is  well!"  The  next  day, 
calling  on  the  patient,  he  asked  *'How 
fares  he  to-day  ?  "  and  the  reply  was,  ' '  My 
dear  friend,  he  is  dead."  "  Ah  !  "  cried  I, 
overcome  with  grief,  '*  how  happy  are  ani- 
mals, where  simple  Nature  can  cure  with- 
out the  aid  of  medical  consultations  ! 

Pluto :   Gentlemen,  what  think  you  of 

this? 

*  * 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctoi's. 


131 


POPULAR  FRENCH  ANECDOTES  REFLECTING   AGAINST  DOCTORS. 


[These  are  from  notes  collected  from  time  to  time  by  the  Translator.] 


PIERRE      CHIRkAC     (French     sur- 
geon,  1650  to  1732). 

Chirrac  once  heard  a  priest  proclaim- 
ing on  the  subject  of  the  resuscitation  of 
Lazarus  from  the  dead,  remarked  :  *'  If  he 
had  been  my  patient  they  could  not  have 
raised  him." — Choix  d' Anecdotes. 

Chirrac  was  attacked  with  apoplexy. 
Several  of  his  medical  friends  were  called 
to  his  assistance,  and  bled  him  repeatedly. 
Chirrac,  after  partially  returning  to  con- 
sciousness, became  delirious  again,  and 
beheved  himself  to  be  at  a  patient's  bed- 
side. His  right  hand  seized  his  left  wrist 
and  felt  the  pulse.  Then  he  cried:  *'I 
have  been  called  in  too  late.  You  doctors 
have  bled  this  man  when  he  should  have 
been  purged.  Fatal  error  !  He  is  dying  ! " 
and  soon  after  expired. 


ANDRE  JOSEPH  PANCKOUCKE 

(1700  to  1753). 

On  the  death  of  the  celebrated  Boer- 
haave,  they  found  among  his  effects  a 
book  that  was  said  to  contain  all  the 
secrets  of  medical  art  worth  knowing. 
Those  who  bought  this  treasure,  on  open- 
ing the  work  found  a  volume  of  white 
paper  leaves,  perfectly  blank  except  on 
one  rine,  where  was  written  this  apothegm : 


"  Keep  your  head  cool,  your  bowels  open, 
your  feet  warm,  and  you  will  mock  the 
doctors." 

Falconet  was  one  day  called  to  a  lady 
suffering  from  an  imaginary  complaint. 
On  being  questioned,  she  admitted  that 
she  ate,  drank  and  slept  well  and  had  all 
the  apparent  signs  of  health.  "Never 
mind,  madam,"  remarked  the  Doctor,  "I 
will  give  you  a  remedy  that  will  remove  all 
these  complaints." 

The  physician  Du  Moulin  said  to  seve- 
ral of  his  confreres  who  stood  around  his 
bedside  deploring  his  fate:  "Gentlemen, 
I  leave  only  three  eminent  physicians  be- 
hind me."  Believing  he  was  about  to 
name  them  out  of  comphment,  the  doctors 
stood  filled  with  pride,  when  he  continued : 
"These  three  are  eminently  successful 
practitioners  I  leave  behind  me  :  Water, 
Exercise,  and  Diet."  —  Dictionnaire  des 
Anecdotes. 

Crebillon  the  tragedien,  had  a  trouble- 
some malady  several  years  before  achiev- 
ing his  success  in  his  "Catalina,"  and  his 
physician,  Hermont,  one  day  asked  him  to 
present  him  the  first  two  acts.  Crebillon 
only  answered  him  by  repeating  the  verse : 

"  Ah !   should   one  inherit  from  him  he  assassi- 
nates." 

—  Galerie  de  V  Ancienne  Cour. 


132 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


JEAN    FRANCOIS    MAMONTEL 

(1723  to  1799). 

Malouin  imagined  I  was  taking  his 
lavements  and  infusions.  This  I  did  not 
do,  and  at  the  end  of  the  usual  period  the 
malady  disappeared.  Malouin  rejoiced  in 
what  he  considered  a  glorious  cure.  I  did 
not  attempt  to  restrain  his  triumph  by  un- 
deceivmg  him.  *^Ah!  my  friend,"  said 
he,  *'you  think  there  is  nothing  in  medi- 
cine and  the  knowledge  of  doctors."  I 
answered  him  that  I  was  a  strong  believer. 
"  I  do  not  think  so,"  he  responded,  '*  inas- 
much as  you  sometimes  speak  of  the  pro- 
fession slightingly."  Whereat  I  retorted, 
''But  think  of  Moliere?"  Then  closing 
his  fists  in  wrath  he  looked  me  with  fixed 
eyes  and  exclaimed  in  wrath,  "Yes,  but 
he's  dead,  too !  " 

On  another  occasion  Dr.  Malouin  was 
visited  by  a  celebrated  philosopher  who 
had  taken  one  prescription  for  four  years 
and  recovered.  When  he  had  made  this 
astonishing  statement,  Malouin  cried  out 
in  a  voice  of  profound  admiration,  "Em- 
brace me,  my  friend,  you  are  worthy  of 
being  one  of  my  patients." 

*  *  * 

SEBASTIEN  NICHOLAS  CHAM- 
FORT  (French  satirist,  1741  to 
1794). 

Dr.  J.  operated  on  one  of  his  clients 
and  cut  off  the  leg.  A  relative  of  the  vic- 
tim took  the  surgeon  to  one  side  and  said, 
' '  Do  you  think,  Doctor,  that  our  friend 
will  recover  ? "  To  which  the  medical 
scientist  rephed,  "  I  never  had  the  slight- 
est hope  of  such  a  good  ending."  And 
the  indignant  relative  thereat  exclaimed, 
"Why   make  him   suffer,  then?     Why  in 


the  Devil  operate  on  a  person  given  over 
for  lost  ?  "  Then  said  the  surgeon  calmly, 
"Oh,  it  is  necessary  to  humor  patients  a 
little ! " 

We  all  know  what  familiarity  the  King 
of  Prussia  permitted  to  his  immediate 
friends.  General  Quintius  Icilius  was  one 
of  those  who  profited  most  by  this  liberty. 
The  King,  before  the  battle  of  Rosbach, 
remarked  that  if  he  lost  the  day  he  would 
go  back  to  Venice,  where  he  had  formerly 
lived,  and  there  practice  medicine.  When 
Quintius  responded,  "Always  in  the  kill- 
ing business,  eh  ?  " 

One  day  the  King  said  to  his  physi- 
cian, "Tell  me  truly,  doctor,  how  many 
men  have  you  slaughtered  during  your 
life?"  And  the  physician  answered 
promptly,  "  Almost  three  hundred  thou- 
sand less  than  you,  Sire  !  " 


VICOMPTE    DE    LAUNAY   (Nine- 
teenth century). 

Gerard  de  Nerval  had  been  locked  up, 
a  little  too  soon,  as  insane,  and  when  re- 
leased and  asked,  "What disease  have  you 
had  ?  "  he  repUed,  * '  A  hot  fever,  compli- 
cated with  doctors !  " 

Madam  X.  every  day  received,  be- 
tween the  hours  of  two  and  three,  her  phy- 
sician, Dr.  Z.,  a  most  entertaining  conver- 
sationalist and  amiable  gentleman.  One 
day  Dr.  Z.  called,  according  to  custom, 
and  was  not  received.  He  ordered  the 
servant  to  announce  his  name  again,  and 
the  valet  brought  back  the  answer, 
"Madam  is  sick  to-day  and  does  not  de- 
sire to  see  a  doctor." 

Cardinal     Richelieu,    fearing     himself 


iself  I 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


33 


about  to  die,  pressed  his  physicians  to  tell 
him  truly  what  they  thought  of  his  condi- 
tion and  how  much  longer  he  might  live. 
All  replied  that  a  life  so  precious  to  the 
world  should  interest  the  aid  of  Heaven, 
and  that  God  would  make  a  miracle  and 
cure  him.  The  Cardinal  was  not  satisfied 
with  these  flatterers,  but  sent  for  blunt  and 
honest  old  Dr.  Chicot,  physician  to  the 
King,  and  implored  the  latter  to  tell  him 
the  truth.     "  In  twenty-four  hours,"  said 


Dr.  Chicot,  "  you  will  be  dead  or  cured." 
The  Cardinal  was  satisfied,  and  died  in 
twenty-four  hours. 

A  physician  once  asked  Father  Bourda- 
lone  what  he  did  to  enjoy  such  good 
health,  and  the  priest  responded  that  he 
ate  only  one  meal  a  day  and  took  no  medi- 
cine. ''Keep  the  secret,"  cried  the  doc- 
tor, ''for  if  you  make  it  public  you  will 
ruin  the  profession." 


34 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


EXTRACTS  FROM   ENGLISH  WRITERS. 


[These    few  extracts   by   English  writers  are   added   by  the  Translator,  and  include  only  the 
commonly  quoted  lines  familiar  to  the  average  American  medical  reader.] 


SHAKESPEARE  (1564  to  1616). 

Throw  physic  to  the  dogs  ;  I'll  none  of  it. 

—Macbeth. 

Take  physic,  pomp  ; 

Expose  thyself  to  feel  as  others  feel 

— Macbeth. 

*  *  * 

ROBERT    BURTON  (1576  to  1639). 
Anatomy  of  Melancholy. 

OF    PHYSIC    WHICH    CURETH    WITH 
MEDICINES. 

Paulus  Jovius,  in  his  description  of 
Britain,  and  Levinus  Lemnius  observe  as 
much  of  this,  our  island,  that  there  was  of 
old  no  use  of  physic  among  us  and  but 
little  at  this  day,  except  it  be  for  a  few 
nice  idle  citizens,  surfeiting  courtiers  and 
stall-fed  gentlemen  lubbers.  The  country 
people  use  kitchen  physic,  and  common 
experience  tells  us  that  they  live  freest 
from  all  manner  of  infirmities  that  make 
least  use  of  apothecaries'  physic.  Some 
think  physicians  kill  as  many  as  they  save, 
and  who  can  tell  * '  How  many  murders 
they  make  in  a  year  ? "  Quibus  inipune 
licet  hofninem  occidere,  *  *  that  many  kill  folk 
and  have  a  reward  for  it ;  "  and,  according 
to  the  old  Dutch  proverla,  * '  a  new  physi- 
cian must  have  a  new  church-yard,"  and 
who  daily   observes   it   not?     Many  that 


did  ill  under  physicians'  hands  have 
happily  escaped  when  they  have  been 
given  over  by  them,  left  to  God  and  Na- 
ture and  thems^elves ;  'twas  Pliny's  dilem- 
ma of  old.  '  *  Every  disease  is  either 
curable  or  incurable,  a  man  recovers  of  it 
or  is  killed  by  it ;  both  ways  physic  is  to 
be  rejected.  If  it  be  deadly,  it  cannot  be 
cured ;  if  it  be  helped,  it  requires  no  phy- 
sician, Nature  will  expel  it  of  itself."  It  is 
no  art  at  all,  as  some  hold,  no,  not  worthy 
the  name  of  a  liberal  science,  as  Petronius 
Canonherius,  a  patrician  of  Rome  and  a 
great  doctor  himself  "one  of  their  own 
tribe"  proves  by  sixteen  arguments,  be- 
cause it  is  mercenary  as  now  used,  base 
and  as  fiddlers  play  for  a  reward.  Juridi- 
cis,  medicis,  fisco  fas  vivere  rapto,  'tis  a 
corrupt  trade,  no  science,  art,  no  profes- 
sion; the  beginning,  practice  and  profes- 
sion of  it,  all  is  nought,  full  of  imposture, 
uncertainty,  and  doth  generally  more 
harm  than  good.  The  Devil  himself  was 
the  first  inventor  it;  ^^Invenimn  est  medicina 
meum,''  said  Apollo,  and  what  was  Apollo 
but  the  Devil  ?  The  Greeks  first  made  an 
art  of  it,  and  they  were  all  deluded  by 
Apollo's  sons,  priests,  oracles,  ^scula- 
pius,  his  son,  had  temples  erected  to  his 
deity,  and  did  many  famous  cures ;  but,  as 
Lactantius  holds,  he  was  a  magician,  a 
mere  impostor.  The  Arabians  received 
medicine   from   the   Greeks,    and   so  the 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


35 


Latins,  adding  new  precepts  and  medi- 
cines of  their  own,  but  so  imperfect  still, 
that  through  ignorance  of  professors,  im- 
postors, mountebanks,  empirics,  disagree- 
ing of  sectaries  (which  are  as  many  almost 
as  there  be  diseases'),  envy,  covetousness 
and  the  Hke,  they  do  much  harm  among 
us. 

They  are  so  different  in  their  consul- 
tations, prescriptions,  mistaking  many 
times  the  party's  constitution,  disease,  and 
causes  of  it,  they  give  quite  contrary 
physic.  "  One  sayeth  this,  another  that," 
out  of  singularity  or  opposition.  As  he 
said  of  Adrian,  viultitudo  ^ne^dicorum  princi- 
pem  interfecit,  "a  multitude  of  physicians 
hath  killed  the  Emperor ;  "  plus  a  medico 
quant  a  morbo  periculi,  ''  more  danger  there 
is  from  the  physician  than  from  the  dis- 
ease." 

Besides,  there  is  much  imposture 
and  malice  among  them.  "  All  arts," 
sayeth  Cardan,  ''admit  of  cozening,  physic, 
among  the  rest  doth  appropriate  it  to  her- 
self," and  tells  a  story  of  one  Curtius,  a 
physician  in  Venice;  because  he  was  a 
stranger,  and  practiced  amongst  them,  the 
rest  of  the  physicians  did  still  cross  him  in 
all  his  precepts.  If  he  prescribed  hot 
medicines,  they  would  prescribe  cold, 
miscentes  pro  calidis  frigida  pro  purganti- 
bus  astringenta^  binders  for  purgatives, 
omnia perturhahant.  If  the  party  miscarried, 
Curtiu7n  damnabant,  Curtius  killed  him, 
that  disagreed  from  them  :  if  he  recovered, 
then  they  cured  him  themselves. 

But  it  is  their  ignorance  that  does  more 
harm  than  rashness ;  their  art  is  wholly 
conjectural,  if  it  be  an  art,  uncertain,  im- 
perfect, and  got  by  killing  of  men ;  they 
are  a  kind  of  butchers,  slayers,  leeches ; 
chirurgeons  and  apothecaries  especially 
are  indeed  the  physician's  hangmen,  carni- 
fices,  and   common   executioners;  though, 


to  say  truth,  physicians  themselves  come 
not  far  behind ;  for,  according  to  that 
facete  epigram  of  Maximilianus  Urentius, 
what's  the  difference  ? 

Chirurgus  medico  quo  differt  ?     Scilicet  isto, 
Enecat  hie  succis,  enecat  ille  manu  ; 
Carnifice  hoc  ambo  tantum  differre  videntur 
Tardius  hi  faciunt,  quod  facit  ille  cito. 

Or,  as  rendered  by  Burton,  **How  does 
the  surgeon  differ  from  the  doctor  ?  In 
this  respect :  one  kills  by  drugs,  the  other 
by  the  hand;  both  only  differ  from  the 
hangman  in  this  way  :  they  do  slowly  what 
he  does  in  an  instant." 

The  most  rational  and  skillful  of  them 
are  so  often  deceived,  that,  as  Tholosanus 
infers,  "  I  had  rather  beUeve  and  commit 
myself  to  a  mere  empiric  than  to  a  mere 
doctor."  It  was  Xenophon  who  told 
Cyrus  that,  to  his  thinking,  physicians 
"were  like  tailors  and  cobblers,  the  one 
mended  our  bodies  and  the  other  our 
clothes."  But  I  will  urge  these  cavilling 
and  contumelious  arguments  no  further, 
lest  some  physician  should  mistake  me  and 
deny  me  physic  when  I  am  sick ;  for  my 
part,  I  am  well  persuaded  of  physic ;  I  can 
distinguish  the  abuse  from  the  use,  in  this 
and  many  other  arts  and  sciences;  aliud 
vinum,  aliud  ebrietas,  wine  and  drunkenness 
are  two  distinct  things. 


JOHN   DRYDEN  (1531  to  1701). 

Better  to  hunt  in  field  for  health  unbought 
Than  fee  the  doctor  for  a  nauseous  draught. 
The  wise  for  cure  on  exercise  depend — 
God  never  made  his  work  for  men  to  mend. 


GEORGE  HERBERT  (1593  to  1632). 

After  death  the  Doctor. 

—Jacula  Prudentuvi, 


136 


The  Evil  that  has  been  said  of  Doctors. 


MILTON  (1608  to  1674). 

Budge  doctors  of  the  stoic  fur. 

— Comus. 


TOM  BROWNC)  (1663  to  1704). 

I  do  not  love  thee,  Doctor  Fell. 
The  reason  why  I  cannot  tell. 
But  this  alone  1  know  full  well, 
I  do  not  love  thee,  Doctor  Fell. 

I   Non  amo  te,  Sabidi,  nee  possum  dicere  quare  ; 
Hoc  tantum  possum  dicere,  non  amo  te. 

— Martial,  Epigram  I,  33. 

Je  ne  vous  aime  pas,  Hylas ; 
Je  n'en  saurois  dire  la  cause. 
Je  seulement  une  chose , 
C'est  que  je  ne  vous  aime  pas. 

— Bussy,  Compte  de  Rabutin,  Book  I. 


JOHN  GAY  (1688  to  1732). 

"  Is  there  hope?"  the  sick  man  said. 
The  silent  doctor  shook  his  head. 

—  The  Sick  Man  and  the  Angel. 

*  *  * 

POPE  (1688  to  1744). 

Who  shall  decide  when  doctors  disagree. 
And  soundest  casuists  doubt,  like  you  and  me  ? 
—  Moral  Essays. 


GEORGE   COLMAN    (1762  to  1836). 

But  when  ill  indeed. 
E'en  dismissing  the  doctor  don't  always  succeed. 
— Lodgings  for  Single  Gentlemen. 


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